October 17, 2007
"The Girl Who Was Afraid of Heights"
Previously, on "America's Next Top Model,"... I don't know. Bitchery, crying, underwear, does it really matter?
The house is a MESS, and the girls are eating on the furniture with food falling out of their mouths. To make it clear how much this disgusts me, I will tell you my Joe story.
Joe, my Barbie friend, is a wonderful person. He's gracious, generous, and has a lovely singing voice. However, whenever I mention him, it's like, "You know, my friend Joe. He can eat an entire McDonald's Big Breakfast in my car and not spill one crumb."
That's how much I abhorr slovenliness and cherish neatness. Cleanliness IS godliness.
I think Janet, like, bitched them out and got them organized with chores and stuff, but I wasn't really paying attention because Egrau called, and I hadn't talked to her in EONS, so I wasn't about to say, "Not now -- America's Next Top Model is on." But believe me, if it was anyone else, I would have.
We talked about migraines and thyroids and our uteruses (uterii? utereese?). And then I'm like, "Dude, we've been talking about medical shit for half an hour like we're 80."
And she's like, "Well, I can tell you about the pretzel incident I had on a flight yesterday."
And I'm like, "You had a pretzel incident and waited this long to tell me???"
I'll tell you the pretzel incident some other time.
Tyra Mail! "Spring forward, fall back." Oh no! The girls will face the difficult challenge of changing all the clocks in the house!
Benny Ninja is having the girls jump on a trampoline and pose at the top of the jump. When did he become a regular? He freaks me out. I'll bet he can suck his own penis -- he's that limber.
And remember, girls -- you can't have trampoline without tramp! Work those poses!
And suddenly, there are naked girls in the pool, and I have no idea why because I'm still on the phone with Egrau. The naughty bits are pixelated anyway.
The girls are taken to the IceOPlex where some skaters are showing off. They're going to have to pose in the air on the ice. Yikes. Some guy named Lloyd Eisler is there, and he has a TERRIBLE beard. It's like someone pasted a big, square patch of faux gorilla fur on his chin.
And listen to what Wikipedia has to say about this Canadian douchebag:
"Eisler appeared in the 2006 FOX television program Skating with Celebrities in which he was partnered with actress Kristy Swanson. They reportedly began an affair while his wife Marcia was eight months pregnant with their second child. Representatives for both Eisler and Swanson have confirmed the couple are dating, but deny that the affair began before the Eislers filed formal separation papers in November 2005."His wife Marcia has resumed using her maiden name and also changed their children's names to her maiden name as well. Swanson and Eisler welcomed a son at 1:36 p.m. on Friday, February 16, 2007 and named him Magnus Hart Swanson Eisler.
"Effective October 6th, 2006, Eisler was suspended from coaching in Canada by Skate Canada. This was after allegedly sending sexually suggestive e-mail to a 15-year-old student. Eisler was coaching in the United States, where the Canadian Ban does not apply, at the time it was announced."
So, yeah, this is the guy you want fondling impressionable, young models. Good call, Tyra.
Hey, it's Dani! She looks... miserable. I guess even beautiful people get PMS. Mind you, at this point, I'm still on the phone with Egrau and only half-watching the girls get held in their air by Canada's Biggest Skating Douchebag.
Heather can't seem to do a damn thing. It's weird. Lisa wins. Bianca fumes. Lisa gets to do a photo session with Dani featuring plaid clothing. I assume it's for Seventeen?
Tyra Mail! "Never look down." Unless you're not sure if you zipped your fly.
Jay is on top of a tall building. Ambreal sees him and starts crying. Maybe it's the height, maybe it's Jay... I'm just saying.
The girls are all in Matrix leather pretending to be gargoyles. Boy, they're really running out of stuff, eh?
Ambreal is freaking out. Ebony is "dull as dishwater," and then she gets in front of the camera and is "amazing," according to Jay, who can't figure her out.
I finally get off the phone with Egrau, after a 52 min. call.
Tyra Mail! Judging. Lisa and Ambreal are nervous. Why is Lisa nervous? Didn't she win the skating challenge? I missed something here, and I think it had something to do with people hating on Lisa.
The girls get to see their best photos.
Ebony is stunning and shows no fear. She still won't smile for Tyra because her "gums are too big."
Chantals legs are to die for, and yet Twiggy thinks she's "not raunchy." Twiggy's so sweet.
Ambreal's pose is robotic and almost comedic. She looks uncomfortable.
Sarah is very ungargoyle-like. And you'd think that would be a compliment, but not in Tyra World.
Bianca is one of the best shots they've seen. Tyra loves her eyes which are in an "open squint." Now I wanna see Snippy Bitch imitate the open squint.
Janet's underwear is showing in her photo.
Lisa's body is great, her shape is great, she looks scary and awesome, very gargoyley. But Mama Tyra can see some hurt in her, and Lisa confesses that the other girls have grown "distant" from her. Tyra helpfully tells her to "never dull your shine." And Miss J tells it like it is with a simple, "Jealousy!"
Heather is stunning, as always, but is always giving a profile shot. It's her comfort zone because she doesn't like eye contact. The judges tell her to change that.
Jenah is strong and beautiful in photos, but needs more polish in person.
Sal looks high fashion, and Tyra thinks that being scared of being in the Bottom Two again pushed her to really excell.
Deliberations.
Ebony is two people. Chantal needs to be less sexy. Ambreal is not high fashion. Sarah just doesn't work.
Bianca is beautiful and totally sold it this week.
Janet doesn't look like a model. Lisa lacks confidence but looks amazing. The judges want to see another side of Heather -- like the front.
Jenah is extraordinary. Sal gave great eye contact.
The girls are called, in order of how much fickle Tyra likes them this week: Lisa, Bianca, Ebony, Chantal, Jenah, Sal, Heather and Sarah.
Janet and Ambreal are in the Bottem Two. Because Janet needs too much coaching, and Ambreal is getting worse instead of better. But Tyra loves her sistahs, so Janet gets sent packing.
She cries and says, "Mama Janet has left the building." Oh, that's the reason. Tyra doesn't like having another Mama around!
Next week... I don't know. I had to pee.
I'm outta town Thursday night through Sunday night, my darlings! Catch you on the flip side! In the meantime, own your look and BE FIERCE!
Comments
Dam! I was going to show you my open squint at dinner tonight! Mmmm, sounds naughty! hee Hee!
Snippy Bitch
Posted by: Snippy Bitch at October 18, 2007 03:33 PM