October 15, 2007
The Unanticipated Poop
One of Billi's neighbors conveyed this story to her, which she promptly relayed to me. And to the rest of the neighborhood.
I have, or course, paraphrased it, since I heard it secondhand, but I remain true to the facts.
Bear in mind that the original telling of the story is a woman. This factors in greatly.
"I was watering my lawn last night, and the sound of the water made me have to pee. I didn't want to go inside because then the kids would start bugging me. So I thought, Well, my husband and my son do it -- why not me?"It was dark out, so I just went to the side of the house and squatted down. Suddenly I realize that I had to poop, too!
"So I did!"
*cricket*
*cricket*
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU SAY TO THAT?!
I mean, I had many things rushing through my mind, but I didn't bring them up because I know, from the story, that there were no intelligent answers.
No answers, and yet, so many, many issues.
First of all, if you don't want to enter your own home for fear of your own children -- to the extent that you will deficate in full view of the neighbors -- it's time to re-evaluate your parenting skills.
Secondly, what the hell are her husband and son doing peeing in their yard all the time? Does she lock them out of the house? Do they each only have one kidney, forcing them to empty their bladders the second they are full? I mean, when you're camping -- fine. But when there's a perfectly good bathroom 20 steps away, there's no reason to engage in such freedom. They live in a subdivision, not on a farm.
Thirdly -- and perhaps most importantly -- who gets a mere second's notice to a bowel movement? I always assumed I was normal in having at least 2 min. to find a comfortable place to drop the Browns off at the Superbowl. Am I just one of the lucky few? Do most folks find themselves running to the bushes with a turtlehead poking out?
I think that a normal adult human with a normal, functioning gastro-intestinal system, when presented with the issue of an unanticipated poop, should be able to slam the sphincter shut for the time it takes to get to a nearby toilet.
The bottom line is, if this chick routinely gets no notice as to when a poop is coming on, she must be shitting herself daily. Perhaps that's why her children run her out of the house?
And finally, if she's going to take the time to actually TELL people the story of pooping in her yard, wouldn't it save time to simply grab and Sharpie and write, I was raised by wild dogs, on her head instead?
Comments
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh....
I love to pee outside:}
Posted by: Matt at October 15, 2007 11:21 PM
Garrance, you must explain that A was on the couch -- 15 feet from the indoor toilet -- when he would get the urge for a number 2 and walk 50 feet to cross the street just to poo outside. And this was when he was 17!
Posted by: Kelly Garrett at October 17, 2007 08:30 PM