November 27, 2007
A Shred of Dignity, a Tissue of Puffs
I have finally reached the point in my headcold where I sound worse than I feel. The mucus has officially taken over my body, but at least walking from my bed to the couch doesn't exhaust me anymore.
People, you wouldn't believe the stuff coming out of my nose today: Play Doh, raspberry Jello, artichoke hearts, ground beef. I had no idea that stuff was in there! I certainly didn't put it there!
And when I blow my nose, I can feel it traveling from, like, the back of my neck, through my sinuses and into the Puffs. It's quite a disconcerting sensation.
And don't ask me to post photos. I have one shred of dignity left, and I'm trying to ride it out through the end of the year.
Know what else is gross? After I blow my nose, I can hear little pops and squeaks inside my head as all the snot redistributes itself to restore the phlegm equilibrium. It's like there's a whole little world inside my head. Well, okay, another one.
At night, a half an hour before bed, I start The Sacred Nose-Clearing Ritual so that I can lie down without suffocating to death. (I tried sleeping standing up, and I just don't know what the horses see in it. Maybe it's easier with four legs?)
First, I down my Nyquil. Next, I blow my nose until I see stars. Then I apply two shots of Anefrin to each nostril. When I can breathe freely out of both nostrils at once, I quickly go to sleep before anything changes.
I don't need an alarm to wake me up because I just wake up when all the drugs have worn off and I can't breathe anymore. Then comes the morning fun of blowing out all the stuff that accumulated in my head during the night.
So, where does that stuff stay all night, anyway? Seriously, it's like a cup and a half of goo before I'm done. Where was it all stored for eight hours? Must be that part of my skull that should house the Math part of my brain, except that it got left empty and became a mucus storage tank by default.
I haven't been this sick in a while, but I know exactly why The Cold Fairy chose now to kick my ass. Because I have a Chorale Christmas Concert this weekend, and my church Candlelight Service next weekend. In which I have a solo. So of course I'm sick.
I don't think I've been well for any Christmas singing activity at any point in my entire life. On the up side, I'm always well by Christmas Eve!
Enjoy your meals today, my friends. And if they include any of the aforementioned foods, well... I'd apologize, but I'll be laughing too hard.
Comments
Zicam. Trust me.
Posted by: Uncle Twitchy at November 27, 2007 08:40 AM
heather's mom suggests Mucinex. even tho the commercials make her want to puke. seriously.
Posted by: heather at November 27, 2007 09:17 AM
If it was colder out I would suggest you go outside for a few minutes so your snot can freeze in our nose! Thems good times!!!
Posted by: Marty at November 27, 2007 10:59 AM
I am currently in cold denial. I am blaming my sneezing, itchy eye, noseblowing-ness on my dusty holiday decor that I put up over the weekend. However, I continue to have the same symptoms at work. Hm. Maybe I am sick. No, no I am NOT sick. I am safely back in my bed of denial. I have to go blow my nose now.
Posted by: Vicki at November 27, 2007 11:14 AM
Wow, you must have really cavernous sinuses. Do they go all the way down to your breasts or something? That would explain it...
Posted by: Mickey at November 27, 2007 01:29 PM
Can you say 'sinus infection'.
How bout some antibiotics?
Posted by: matt at November 29, 2007 08:19 PM