November 07, 2007
I Need Rich Friends
There is nothing in the world I want more than...
Not world peace. Not a long and healthy life. Not true and lasting love. Just this barbie.
And I'm sorry I had to put a link instead of a photo, but Mattel says that usage of her image is punishable by death. Which is completely understandable because, well, LOOK AT HER!!!
She is the embodiment of all things perfect and sunshiney and bisexual! I need her in my life!
She is rainbows and ponies and wind in your hair! She is dark chocolate and live music and always having the perfect witty retort!
And none of you cheap bastards are going to buy her for me, so I'd better step-up the eBaying. I need some rich friends.
You know what Vicki got for her birthday? From a friend? Not a sister, not a sugar daddy, not someone whose life she saved. Just a friend.
She got a $300 Dooney & Bourke purse.
People, I think you know what I'm getting at here. Vicki is not special. She is not more deserving of extravagance than I am. True, she's not shallow and spoiled and selfish like me, but that doesn't make her a better person!
Oh, wait. That's pretty much the definition of Better Person, isn't it? Okay, switch tactics.
I will totally have sex with whomever buys me Pirate Barbie. Male, female, cyborg, undead zombie alien -- I don't care.
[And Husband, since you're already entitled to sex with me by default, I will totally let you tie me up and do horrible, nasty things to me that you've only read about in books... that you found in my nightstand.]
All right. Pony up.
[And in related news, Coach is now making a skull and crossbones key fob.]
Comments
Pfft. I spent WAY more than that on a few lapdances last weekend.
Name the date and hotel, baby. I'll be there with Barbie in tow.
Posted by: Marty at November 7, 2007 04:47 PM
Funny girl... you would have LOVED fantasyfest in keywest. I don't know your email because I follow your stuff here, but I have hundreds of photos of women in pirate attire. I won't be following you becuase I have a thyroid biopsy coming up. Wouldn't you know it... the folks from MTV called me trying to get me to audition for Tila Tequila. My life sucks...
Posted by: Jennifer at November 7, 2007 07:01 PM
Hmph. I would have totally pitched in for this, maybe even thrown a fundraiser, but you said I am not SPECIAL. And I am. No barbie for you. Marty - $20 to change your mind.
Posted by: Vicki at November 8, 2007 02:11 PM
And I'm sorry I had to put a link instead of a photo, but Mattel says that usage of her image is punishable by death. Which is completely understandable because, well, LOOK AT HER!!!
Kowtowing to illogical [and likely unenforceable] copyright/trademark demands will cause the death of things more important than any one human.
Posted by: Adam Jury at November 8, 2007 07:33 PM