November 15, 2007
"The Girl Who Starts To Lose Her Cool"
Previously, on "America's Next Top Model," Tyra wore a wig, and Miss J's afro got even bigger.
Lisa has been riding her crest of number-one-ness and feels pressure to stay there. God, I know how she feels! Heather is so sad about Sarah leaving and doesn't want anyone else to go. (Of course, the unspoken clause is, "Except Bianca.")
Bianca, in turn, tries to psych Heather into failing by spouting her "nervous breakdown" shit some more. Whatever happened to the Bianca that was actually a decent human being for an episode or two? Did the exorcism not take?
Tyra Mail! Schooled and a-mused.
Oh God. Benny Ninja lives up to his name and is wearing a... shirt reminiscent of... ancient Japanese armor? And a kilt. In the name of all that is holy, Benny Ninja has no business wearing The Pinnacle of Hottness that is The Kilt. People, even HE is not gay enough to pull off the combined Samuri/Braveheart look.
Anyhoo, they're at some school of fashion called F.I.D.M., where each girl is going to be paired with a designer. It's the girls' job to inspire their designer to create a dress specifically for her. So really, it's much more about the designers than the models, and they should be judged on if they were able to discern a shred of personality in their assigned model.
Bianca "ain't feelin'" her designers idea of Cleopatra. And neither am I. Think Ghetto-patra. Lisa likes to show her legs, which inspires her designer to put her in a short skirt. Voila! A match made in heaven!
Heather's designer just flat out doesn't get her. She should wear a shirt that says, "I'm not a bitch, I'm just autistic." And how tired am I of hearing Bianca bitch about how Heather doesn't have to do anything or try. Jesus Q. Christ, whine, whine, whine.
The winner gets to do a holiday jewelry spread in Seventeen.
Upon seeing their dresses, Bianca and Heather both think that their's is "not me." But Benny Ninja Samuri Braveheart ain't havin' it and orders the girls to "own it!"
Bianca does her "Cleopatra with an attitude" schtick. Okay, can she do anything without attitude? Because I'm not seeing the versatility that Tyra demands. I know Tyra hates to cut a sistah, but seriously, when is this bitch going home?
Heather gets stage fright and completely flubs her lines, which I might do, too, if forced to say something as retarded as "spirit of the ocean." I'm not worried -- Tyra loves her too much to send her home over one bad day.
Ambreak skipped and was darling. Jenah was an awesome "rock star ballerina." Lisa sucked and cried. Hee! She has shitty hair. Chantal was a "goddess Barbie," which makes me like her by default. Sal was a girly treat in her pixie ensemble. Her little wink made Chantal barf, which makes me love her pixie-ness even more.
(Okay, I think I'm giving Tyra a run for her money in the Fickle Bitch of the Year contest.)
In the critiques, Ambreal is accused of rushing and overselling her dress. Jerks. Bianca was more attitude than dress. Lisa's flubs completely derailed her.
Heather was blah and couldn't deliver her lines (which makes Bianca squeeeeeeeeeee with delight). And then Heather gives the Best Excuse Ever for not "owning" her spirit of the ocean dress -- "I'm not a water sign; I'm a fire sign."
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Sal wins and picks two friends -- Bianca and Lisa -- a crime I can't forgive. She is dead to me.
Heather is really upset about how bad she sucked, and the other girls console her, except Bianca's consoling sounds like, "You need to get tougher skin."
Tyra Mail! Burnt out, the heat is on.
I have to ask -- when the hell are they going to do the Naughty Catholic School Girl shoot? I'm just sayin'.
Lisa and Sal race into the GROUP SHOWER, but Heather is mad because she called it first. Unfortunately, the shots of three naked girls in the steamy shower yelling at each other doesn't even have any hair-pulling or pixelated nipples. Heather snaps and Sal runs scared, making Bianca laugh her ass off.
In all fairness, I'm surprised that MORE girls don't lose their shit after spending EVERY SINGLE SECOND with a bunch of strangers, without even t.v. or anything. Sweet Jesus, I'd stab them in the jugular with my mascara brush.
The girls have their earliest wake-up call ever. They road trip it to the middle of the desert, where Jay describes a photo shoot with a burning car. He talks about "model wasteland" and "desperation." Oh, that Jay, such a painter of pictures.
Bianca goes first, and Jay tells her she is "wearing me out with how fabulous you are." I vomit into Dick's slipper. Heather looks lost and awkward, but not in her usual good way.
Sal uses her anger at Jay's criticism to make the shoot work for her. Ambreal frustrates Jay with her posing. Because models... aren't supposed to pose. Apparently.
Jenah is an amazing amazer who amazes. Lisa doesn't work the garment.
Bianca is dying to hear from Heather what Jay said to make her cry. Because she's a vampire and feeds off the pain of others. Ambreal feels that Heather is babied by the other girls. Heather admits to having a hard time. Hmm. Me thinks she is losing her House Pet Status.
Tyra Mail! Judging. Heather is really worried. But I'm not.
Wait, now I am. A Chinese dragon just showed up. And Tyra is... talking to it. Eek. I love Tyra's flair for the theatrical, and how it always falls short.
Oh, it's a lion, and six of the seven girls standing in front of Tyra are going to China. Is that what lions look like in China? What a strange and beautiful country!
Jenah's photo is fab. She's broken down, in a good way. She was all over the place in her film, in a good way.
Heather is brilliant, but this was her weakest shoot. She admits to having "one of those weeks," and Tyra counsels her to compartmentalize.
Sal is good but not striking. She took chances on her film, but not often enough.
Chantal's photo is her best ever. Tyra gives her a tongue-bath and says her legs look as long as the desert.
Ambreal looks good facially, but her garment is hidden.
Bianca looks like she just set the car on fire. Why isn't anyone calling her on the fact that ANGRY is her only emotion?
Lisa looks short, and that's weird because girl is talllllllllllllll.
Deliberations.
Okay, this commercial is just wrong. You know the one with the panty liner riding the mechanical bull? Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Jenah has all the goods.
Tyra still loves Heather's mystery and thinks she's hott.
Sal is drop-dead gorgeous but also someone you'd want to hang out with.
Chantal is finally not looking sugary-sweet. Tyra thinks she looks like Cheryl Tiegs, which causes Husband to go to his happy place and recall "looking at" Tiegs' famous bathing suit photos.
Ambreal is just not special enough and doesn't know how to pose. See, Heather? You're not going home!
Bianca blah blah kick butt blah blah strong blah blah BORING! When will they learn???
Lisa is going downhill and doesn't photograph "fresh enough," i.e. she looks old.
Called in order of love: Bianca, Jenah, Sal, Chantal and Heather. (Cut to Bianca's sullen face.)
Lisa and Ambreal are in the Bottom Two, and no one is surprised when Lisa gets her photo, least of all Ambreal.
Next episode, the girls are in Shanghai, and a Cover Girl shoot totally fucks with their heads. Awesome.