November 26, 2007
"The Girls Go To Shanghai"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Heather fumbled and ran outta gas, and yet it was Ambreal who went home. I'm sure Ambreal is calling Al Sharpton right this very minute.
Tyra leaves some books for the girls so they can study up on China. It's so cute how she believes they can read. The girls pack their suitcases like crazed monkeys. Lisa is all upset about being in the Bottom Two last week, especially after enjoying Tyra's favor for so long.
Heather is packing and doesn't hear Bianca ask her to move so she can get by with her big-ass suitcase (or Heather is ignoring her, in which case I say, Hooray for passive aggression!). Finally, Heather moves, and Bianca interviews, "Send her ass home!"
If there is any justice in this world -- and if ANTM has taught us anything it's that there isn't -- Bianca will get sent home before Heather. And Bianca will have to suck on some bitter, sour grapes. And then perhaps make wine from them and drink herself to death.
The girls arrive in Shanghai, and Chantal says it's "an amazing, futuristic place. I feel like I'm on The Jetsens." Whereas Heather likens Shanghai to Vegas.
Jay and Miss J greet the girls... for no apparent reason because they're not even at their hotel, they're just at some random place where Jay probably liked the lighting or something. And then the girls move into their penthouse on the 63rd floor.
There are six girls and five beds, but one of the beds is huge, obviously meant to be shared. Sal nabs the huge bed but refuses to let Heather, the only one left bedless, sleep with her. Wait -- I thought Sal was one of the nice ones?
Bianca laughs in Heather's face. Heather cries. And really, can you blame her? She just came off a 14 hour plane ride, she's had to deal with Bianca's shit for weeks, and now someone who used to be kind to her is being a total bitch. I think I'd be at my boiling point, too.
Chantal thinks that Heather gets ganged up on a lot. She calmly states that the obvious solution is for two people who don't mind sleeping together to share the bed. Bianca and Jenah volunteer. Seriously, people, was that so hard?
Bianca interviews that she hates that Heather is 21 and needs people to stand up for her. Um, did Bianca miss the part where Heather has mild autism and has difficulty relating to people and is easily overwhelmed in social situations? Jesus, cut the girl some slack.
The girls arrive at some big film studio, where their "tour guide" is suddenly "attacked" by "ninjas," or some such shit. Tyra just kills me with the way she's always staging stuff. That whacky broad.
The girls learn the basics of martial arts, and since Bianca has the retention skills of a corn flake, she gets "sour," by her own admission. I just love it when people think that admitting their crappy behavior makes it okay. It's so charming.
The girls get changed into their faux-Chinese robes and are taken to a courtyard. There, they will have to don harnesses and do the poses they just learned 30 feet off the ground, a la "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon."
Heather is totally psyched to do it, but Bianca is freaking out because she's afraid of heights. Um, what was that about "not being able to handle modeling" and "having a nervous breakdown," Bianca?
Jenah and Chantal go up first and completely blank on all the poses, striking yet another blow against blondes everywhere.
Lisa is freaking out, too, but she keeps the goal in mind and eventually pulls her act together. She's up with Sal, who does pretty well.
Heather goes up with Bianca. Bianca says to Heather, "This is the only time you'll be able to kick my ass." Heh. As if her scrawny, scurvy body had an ass.
Bianca is crying, and it's just a soothing balm to my soul. Stupidly, Heather tries to pep-talk her into calming down. Oh, honey, don't bother. That bitch ain't gonna hate you any less no matter what you do, so just let her fail, like she was born to do.
Commercial break. And I must say, I really like Jaslene's My Life as a Cover Girl commercials more than any of the other winners'. I find her much more believable.
Bianca is crying and begging to be put back down on the ground. The guy running the challenge tells her that she'll be disqualified if she quits, and I get all excited, thinking she'll be disqualified from the competition. But no, she's just disqualified from the challenge. Big whoop.
Heather thinks it's a rush being up in the air. She loves it, and it shows in how graceful her poses are. She wins, natch. She gets $500+ for a shopping spree (which isn't much because, seriously, I could burn through that in under an hour -- I guess they're going to Old Navy) and to bring a friend.
She picks Chantal, and then she interviews that she almost picked Bianca. Probably as a kind of peace offering, which is stupid because Bianca would have just told her how crappy she looked when she tried stuff on. You can't kill that girl with kindness -- you have to cut off her head and stuff it with garlic.
I checked the ANTM official website, but it doesn't say how tall Heather is. I'd guess, if she's not six foot, she's darn close. So it's no surprise that she described their adventure on the streets of Shanghai as a couple of "giants in a land of little people." Quite a lame metaphor, if you ask me.
Tyra Mail! Something "inner queen," blah blah "let your beauty reign." And they are to bring their own outfits that best describe their personalities. Hmmm, I wonder if Bianca has anything skank-colored.
Turns out Cover Girl is selling their new Queen Collection, which is supposed to bring out the queen in you, or whatever.
Predictably, Heather chokes and can't memorize the lines. Sal is so adorable that Jay nearly goes straight. Bianca's voice is like fingernails on Satan's Chalkboard of Eternal, Writhing Agony, but she pulls it off. Jesus, the only thing she could sell me is a big ol' can of Shutthefuckup.
Back to Heather, who keeps blowing her lines, to the point where Jay has to feed her each one. Bianca watches and laughs. Jenah's eyes look amazing, but she needs thirteen takes.
Chantal is gorgeous and does pretty well. Lisa is terrified and totally tears up. I guess her inner queen is a real pussy.
Afterwards, Sal starts to lecture Lisa on what she needs to do, and Lisa blows her off, making Sal mad. Like, seriously, advice after the fact is really, really annoying. Sal should know that. Guess she's gearing up to be the new bitch once Bianca gets kicked to the curb.
Then Bianca starts talking smack, "They're not gonna send me home because I won't go flying thirty feet in the air -- I won't let them!" God, wouldn't that be awesome? Bianca's in the Bottom Two, and the other chick gets called, so Bianca tackles Tyra and yanks her wig off!
Heather and Lisa are also nervous but less full of smack.
Evaluations!
Tyra calls Lisa on crying during her commercial shoot and almost crying right there at panel. Her words of wisdom? "Let it go." Brilliant. THAT'S why she gets the big bucks, ladies and gentlemen. However, Lisa does get props for pulling her shit together and getting a "charming and approachable" photo.
Chantal looks like "Rebecca from Sunnybrook Farms." Is she related to Anne of Green Gables? Cuz I love that mini-series. One Sunday, I watched every damn episode ever made, back to back. Pure awesome.
Bianca tries to make her fear of heights about "trust issues," which just makes her more of a bitch. Her shoot is "flawed but beautiful." She shows attitude but is, apparently, "still approachable." I'm so sick of her. Have I mentioned that?
Jenah looks charming and "went for it with reckless abandon."
Sal was great the way she flirted with the camera, but her smile is all squinty in the photos.
Heather's commercial is completely screwed up, but the judges take turns masturbating to her photo. It shows a "different side of her." A side where she's smiling. Awwwwwww, remember smiling, Heather? In your life before Bianca?
Deliberations!
Lisa is getting weak. Chantal is Twiggy and Tyra's favorite flavor of the week.
Heather is gorgeous, but they're not sure she could handle a major client like Cover Girl. They don't see a whole lot of progress in Sal.
Jenah is not showing any beauty from within, and they're not sure she's completely invested in the competition. Bianca's delivery was hideous, but she has a great smile.
Tyra calls Chantal, Sal, Bianca and Jenah, leaving Heather and Lisa in the Bottom Two, and leaving Wenchie hysterical that Heather might get cut.
Lisa can't handle critique, and Heather can't deliver lines. Heather gets her photo because there's "something there." Lisa thanks Tyra and leaves graciously. Wenchie breathes a sigh of relief.
Next episode -- designer go-sees. Which we all know means we're going to see some tears and/or temper.