November 06, 2007
The Pretzel Incident
Egrau is a flight attendant. Or "sky goddess," as she prefers. I won't mention what airline she works for, lest you stalk the friendly skies looking for her; suffice to say that, at this point, she's almost used to bending over and grabbing her ankles.
This high threshhold for pain comes in very handy when handling difficult customers, as she does on a regular basis. These men -- they're almost always men -- range from those who can't keep their hands off her butt, to those who can't handle their little, tiny bottles of booze and must be physically restrained.
Egrau has the best stories.
Recently, she encountered a passenger made quite surly by the hour delay, during which they sat on the tarmac while the flight attendants went into damange control mode, doing everything they could to keep the impatient flyers happy. In all honesty, most people handle delays with adequate decorum.
But there's always one.
This gentleman was particularly upset by the delay and seemed to hold Egrau personally responsible. Or perhaps she bore a striking resemblence to his ex-wife. Whatever the reason -- and it was certainly no fault of Egrau's -- this man was bound and determined to make trouble for her.
First, he wanted a seltzer water. "The WHOLE bottle," he demanded.
Sensing trouble, Egrau said with sugary-sweetness, "Of course, sir! On This Airline, we always give you the whole bottle!"
Then he wanted a tomato juice. "The WHOLE bottle," he repeated.
"Of course, sir!"
Unable to crack Egrau's determined kindness, he switched tactics.
"I want more than one bag of pretzels."
"Well, sir, I have to make sure there's enough for everyone, first," she sing-songed in her best Disneyland voice. "Then, if there are any left, I will bring you some."
"You better."
And the really scary thing here? He was sober! Tonic water and tomato juice! Dude wasn't even drinking, and he was still a total dick! Not that alcoholism is an excuse, but at least you can be comforted by the fact that you're not the reason he's an asshat.
When Egrau was done distributing beverages and pretzels, she had plenty of bags left, so she decided to kill the jerk with kindness. She went back to his seat and placed not one, not two, but FOUR bags of pretzels on his tray.
Ha! Try to be a douche with four bags of pretzels!
As she walked away, she heard him bellow, "Don't ever do that again! Don't ever do that again!"
And four bags of pretzels pelted her body.
Now granted, little snack bags aren't really going to hurt, unless a corner gets you in the eye or something. But... DUDE THREW PRETZELS AT HER! What the fuck?! The Boy Child knows better than to throw things, and he's FOUR!
One of the bags bounced off Egrau and hit another passenger. The thrower apologized, and the other passenger said, "Don't apologize to me! Apologize to HER!"
But he didn't. And to this day, Egrau still has no idea what it is that she's never supposed to do again.
The senior flight attendant on the flight told the captain about the incident, and he wanted to have the guy arrested and handcuffed as soon as the plane landed. But Egrau really didn't want that. Mainly because it was her last leg of her trip, and she preferred going home to filling out paperwork and being interviewed.
So the senior flight attendant told the pretzel-thrower, "I told the captain about your behavior, and he is in favor of having you arrested as soon as we land. However, the final decision is Egrau's. So you may want to spend the last hour of our trip thinking of what you might like to say to her."
Fifty-five minutes later, Pretzel Boy finally managed a brief, mumbled apology to Egrau, who smiled and thanked him ever so kindly. Think Scarlett O'Hara.
But don't worry, folks. Mr. Whole Bottle's story isn't over. See, he's going to find himself having a bit of difficulty. He'll be the first one bumped from overbooked flights. He'll be pulled aside for luggage checks.
For the rest of his flying career.
And he never even ate the pretzels.
Comments
That power entices me.
Aside from that, what is the point with getting angry on an airplane? It sucks and can be infuriating but if you let yourself get all crazy, you're just crazy and still on that airplane. You're better off playing the Buddha and remaining calm.
Posted by: Chuckles at November 6, 2007 03:42 PM
I love you.
(And Egrau, now, too.)
Posted by: CelticElff at November 6, 2007 06:18 PM