December 10, 2007
eHarmony eSchmarmony: Part I
I have a friend. She is single. She is young. She is pretty, smart and funny. She is employed. She's a catch. However, I'm not revealing her name because she's a little embarassed about that fact that she has recently joined... eHarmony.
I pass no judgement upon her because, if I were again single (and mildly retarded, as I'd have to be to want to date ever again after having two husbands), I'd probably give eHarmony a shot, too.
I will, however, pass judgement upon the walking freak shows that she has been "matched" with, according to her 238-question compatability test.
Now, let me clearly state that "Jane," as I will call her, is just a normal person. She has a dog. She yells at other drivers. She's losing patience with her mother. She loves PB&J sammiches. Normal, normal, normal.
Of her eHarmony experience so far, she has said, "I have been on eharmony for 3 weeks now. I've been sent 195 matches. I've deleted 188 of them for being like the ones below. The rest have deleted me. I'm telling you, it has been lame. And the time has come that I show you how lame it is. I don't think you can really understand without reading these profiles that were sent to me today."
Bachelor #1
The three things that Bachelor #1 is most thankful for:
"my mother, education (when it's good), globalization."
The most important thing Bachelor #1 is looking for in a person is:
"Tacit magic of understanding and compatibility. I believe in working things out, but starting from a good match helps."
Five things Bachelor #1 can't live without:
"Music (but I happily got rid of my ipod last year)
Paper, the greatest invention.
Internet. Almost as good as paper.
Tea.
Daily Show and Colbert Report."
One thing that only Bachelor #1's best friends know is:
"a. I wouldn't readily admit, but since I found out there's free cable in my apartment I've started watching a little bit of TV (after 10 years without it). b. This is a terrible secret: I don't like movies, and do not watch them unless it's supposed to be really good for my soul in some way (like a bitter medicine). This has got to be the worst quirk to have in American culture, because everyone is immersed in movies (or "films")."
[ ** I can't even express how much I hate Bachelor #1. Globalization? Tea? TEA?! And who happily gets rid of their iPod? Oh, that's right -- the same sanctimonious asshole who hasn't watched t.v. in 10 years and doesn't like "films." What a prick. I'm not even going to delve into his mommy issues. ** ]
Bachelor #2
The one thing Bachelor #2 is most passionate about:
"I am most passionate about inspiring others to see the wonder of creation all around them and to remind them that we do walk in beauty on this earth. While work and the diurnal consumes our time, we are always connected to the eternal, which can be found in any moment. I seek to know the tender revealed truth of another and to love in full awareness, seeking not the sentimental but the glorious revealing of another soul, the tenderness of vulnerability and the strength of a strong will and loving heart."
The most important thing Bachelor #2 is looking for in a person is:
"I think the most important quality is the ability to see past material obsessions and worries and to see the world in a glorious new light, in total surrender to Christ's love and will. I am looking for someone who is practical but who can also imbue the domestic with passion and adventure. I seek someone who lives with an expansive joy and deep spirituality, understanding her own being and sense of aliveness in a living relationship with the Creator. In this vein, I seek someone daring and unafraid to reveal her own vulnerability and who seeks to live authentically."
The first thing you'll probably notice about Bachelor #2 when you meet him:
"They may notice how quickly my deep voice and stern expression can turn to joyous laughter. They may also realize how quickly I can segue to conversation, from the most trivial to the most profound subjects."
Bachelor #2 typically spends his leisure time:
"I love to write, read, and see thought-provoking films. I can write in any genre and love to evoke the most fascinating mental images and sensations. I read novels, poetry, nonfiction, etc. I also read to keep current with events in order to advance my knowledge and be a better teacher. As for other interests, I have many, including singing, but that is something I reserve for only the most daring woman! I also love hiking and the outdoors. I am a man of many talents and surprises, and I love to enjoy every moment..."
One thing that only Bachelor #2's best friends know is:
"I have a great sense of humor and aptitude for caricature."
Some additional information Bachelor #2 wanted you to know is:
"If you want intimacy, if you want a guy who can be both tender and strong, and can take the good times with the bad, I'm your guy. Walk with me for a while past the transience of our days and let me awaken you with a kind word and loving touch. I am an original thinker and can definitely provide you with a unique perspective and a passionate embrace of life. Maybe I can even make you smile! Also, I grew up in Dallas, TX (lot of family there) but have lived in diverse places such as Chicago, Phoenix, etc. so I am familiar with a wide variety of regions in the US and have the potential to move to other regions for academic positions if need be."
[ ** If you want a guy who can talk your damn ear off without taking a breath, Bachelor #2 is your guy. I give him two points for not putting quotation marks around the word film, but I take off five billion points for being a self-obsessed jackass in love with his own vocabulary. Notice that he is willing to move anywhere in the U.S. to find a woman who can tolerage his presence. I see a mail-order bride in this guy's future. ** ]
Tune in Wednesday for Bachelor #3 and Wench #1...
Comments
this is why I went with Nerve, back when I was single and looking. fewer douchebags, in my experience...that, and fewer questions to answer....but lots and lots of hilarious dates to be had!
Posted by: heather at December 10, 2007 12:41 PM
Dear eHarmony.com,
Please stop trying to match me up with women who live in Chicago, St. Louis, Champaign-Urbana, Bloomington-Normal, or Kansas of all places. I told you I am not interested. Peoria and Springfield is a stretch. So are the Quad Cities. I might be able to manage Burlington or Quincy, but the fact of the matter is, when I say try to find women in a 25 mile radius, you might think to actually try to find women in a 25 mile radius.
Please stop trying to match me up with women who weigh a 100 lbs. more than I do. While I am sure they are beautiful people on the inside, and while I know that there are people who appreciate larger women, I am aware enough of my shallowness in that regard to confess that I am not one of them, nor am I ashamed of that fact. We all have our preferences, after all, and if you're trying to match for compatibility and are at all the dating experts you claim to be, I would hope that you would be aware that as a man, I am attracted by physical appearance initially for a longer period of time and place a higher value on such than my feminine counterparts. In simpler terms, I told you already that I'm not a chubby-chaser, so cut that shit out.
Please stop trying to match me up with women who say that the greatest influences on their lives have been either God or their kids. Lord knows I don't want to have to compete with either. For that matter, if you insist on matching me up with women with children, please stop trying to match me up with women whose kids are still living with them. Again, I don't want to have to compete. Been there, done that, wrote the tell-all book, have the emotional scars to prove it. Even better, please stop matching me up with women who have kids, period. I'm pretty sure I told you not to.
And since we're on the subject, please stop trying to match me up with women who are more than five years my age. In fact, please stop trying to match me up with women who are even close to my age -- if they're close to my age and single, there's a damned good reason for it. I told you I'm not looking for anything long-term right now, that I'm recently separated/soon-to-be-divorced*, and that I'm in my mid-40s -- surely you should have picked up on the fact that I want to live out the middle aged divorced male cliché of finding a petite blonde in her early twenties to shag rotten until I get sick of her and move on to the next one. C'mon, is that so hard to figure out? I'm sure I'll want to settle down with another life partner eventually, but right now I'm wallowing in midlife crisis, for fuck's sake.
And finally, please stop telling me that I can get three months for the price of one for this limited time only, and that I only have two more days to sign up before you stop offering the deal to me for a couple of weeks. If I don't want to pay for one month, what makes you think I would pay for three at the same price?
Posted by: Uncle Twitchy at December 10, 2007 01:21 PM
NO, this blog is NOT about me.
Posted by: Vicki at December 11, 2007 09:24 AM
Dear Uncle Twitchy,
Save your money. Reading your post, you should be single for a long, long, long time. I plan to avoid eHarmony simply because you are on it.
Posted by: Vicki at December 11, 2007 09:26 AM
Dear Uncle Twitchy,
I think eHarmony is not the right sort of dating site for a man of your... qualifications. May I suggest AdultFriendFinder.com?
No love,
Mickey
Posted by: Mickey at December 14, 2007 02:08 AM
Buah ha ha ha ha ha!!!! I'm SO glad I'm married!
I predict that Bachelor #2 is ugly. And only his best friend knows that he has a great sense of humor?!?! I think Jane should go on a date with him so she can do a guest blog for you! Eh? You up for it Jane?!?! Come on!
Posted by: Billi at December 14, 2007 10:01 AM
Dear god, this entire thing makes me hap hap happy to be married. Jesus, I am SO sorry that your friend is having to wade through all that. One of my few single friends actually opted to go with a "matchmaking" service; two local ladies who meet local singles and set up lunch dates for them. She's had great luck.
Posted by: elle at December 14, 2007 05:00 PM
matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch.....who's this matchmaker, and how can I get them to give me a free match?!?!? Vicki needs a man. Someone the polar opposite of Uncle Twitchy....
Posted by: Vicki at December 17, 2007 11:15 AM