December 31, 2007
Well, Now I HAVE To Because It's a Tradition
Let's see if 2007 sucked less than 2006, shall we?
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
I quit three jobs and started three jobs, which is really stressful. I don't recommend it.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year's resolution was to nag Husband into getting onto MY sleep schedule so we could spend more time together, and it worked! Of course, it took me 11-1/2 months, but I did it! We're both getting up at 5:30 a.m. now, and he's taking the train to work so he's not crabby when he gets home. It's awesome. For 2008... my resolution is to eBay at least half the crap that's taking up space in my basement that I promised to eBay for other people. Seriously, it's a fire hazard.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Dodged that bullet yet again!
5. What countries did you visit?
The country of Cool, which I rule.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Stable, permanant, part-time employment.
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Due to the trauma my brain suffered that day, I don't remember the exact date. However, I vividly remember looking at the emergency vet's X-rays of Daisy's stone-filled bladder, when Husband called to say he just read an email telling him he was fired. Good times.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting paid to put some ads on my blog. Whore-ish, yes, but now I'm a PAID PROFESSIONAL WRITER!!!
9. What was your biggest failure?
Still haven't gotten around to putting all my photos into albums, and now another year has gone by, and the project is even BIGGER.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Ach, my ankle aches just thinking about it. Stupid ice and double-sprain and long healing process. You know, it's probably wrong that all my clumsiness is rewarded by spending lots of time with Dr. Hottie. I'm never going to learn to be careful!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Christmas presents. I think I made a lot of people happy this December.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Younger Step Daughter, who got into Purdue's engineering program. The brains on Husband's girls continue to impress me, destroying the myth that beautiful women can't be brilliant. God, I hate them.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My old boss'. You'd think that someone who so appreciated me would have tried a little harder to keep me. Meh, his loss.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Husband and Older Step Daughter both got cars this year. But 2008 is MY YEAR, and I want a mini-van with power sliding doors!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
PIRATE BARBIE!!!
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
That stupid 50-page long epic song "Hiawatha's Wedding" we sang in Chorale. HOURS -- nay, DAYS of my life I'll never get back!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder. Things don't change as quickly as I'd like.
b) thinner or fatter? Still at the plateau.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer, thanks to those assholes at Husband's former place of employment, who totally fucked him over.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Serious writing.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Blowing my nose.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
I believe we've covered this to death.
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Billi. She's my sistah AND my bestie. Plus, we know a lot of retards to gripe about. (No, Mom, you are not on that list.)
22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
No. I'm too old, jaded and tired for that shit.
23. How many one-night stands?
Bitch, please.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
HBO's "Rome." Titus Pullo is a god.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yes. Husband's EX-business partner. That bitch's husband has been embezzling hundreds of thousands of dollars from the company over the years, AND SHE KNEW. Which is why, when Husband informed her of the stolen money, she fired HIM instead of her asshole, verbally-abusive, alcoholic husband. I hope they both live to be 100 together. Would serve her right.
26. What was the best book you read this year?
"A Girl Named Zippy: Growing Up Small in Mooreland, Indiana." One of those rare books that I read and think, I wish I had written that.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Josh Grobin. Have you heard the pipes on that guy?!
28. What did you want and get?
PIRATE BARBIE!!! More on her soon...
29. What did you want and not get?
A pigmy goat.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Fuckin' "Superbad," dude!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 38 on a Tuesday. Went to lunch with SH, who surprised me with a lovely and thoughtful gift. Silly girl!
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less working. More time for writing, eBaying, walking my dogs, cooking and socializing.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Expensive make-up is often worth the added price. Older Step Daughter can never quit her job at Sephora.
34. What kept you sane?
Sheer, evil hatred. And spite. I refuse to let my enemies make me insane.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Bruce. Always Bruce.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Hillary. Please, please, please, God, don't let her be president!
37. Whom did you miss?
Same as 2006 -- Natalie and Nicki.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
This one is a tie -- it's two women who work in this building, in the two different departments that I have temped for this year. SG in the spring, and Smokey currently. They are both hilarious, down-to-earth, and just the right amount of bitchy. They help keep me sane here by reminding me that insanity is FUN when you share it with others!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
You people expect waaaaaaay too much from me. Valuable life lesson. Why should I tell you? Go learn your own lessons! Quit bothering me! Get off my lawn!
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Take this job and SHOVE IT! I ain't a'workin' here no mo'!
December 28, 2007
My Dinner with Kelly
First, let me clarify -- Kelly is a dude. Kelly Garrett is just his chosen commenter name because he's a big 'mo and loves Charlie's Angels.
Because Kelly is a tree-hugging, hippie socialist, we went to Hillary's home town and dined at the incomparable Pickwick Restaurant. Home of the "Hillary Burger." And no, that's not a euphemism for anything.
Surprisingly, he orderd the BBQ beef. I say surprisingly because he normally only eats smoothies and veggies and couscous that he makes for himself. Yes, he lives in L.A., which means that his smoothies don't include Hershey's syrup and Cool Whip. Freak.
Kelly is quite the cook, making all his own food, and soon we were talking about organic this and fresh that. Can you believe I had dinner with someone from L.A. and didn't once punch him in the face? Not once!
He had total sand in his vagina over the fact that his mom, K, had made a casserole for Christmas Eve dinner.
PW: So did I!
KG: That's just so wrong! I haven't eaten a casserole in twelve years!
PW: Why is that wrong? Turkeys are a pain in the ass.
KG: First of all, no one should ever, EVER cook with onion soup mix and store-bought French dressing.
PW: Did her casserole also have chicken and cranberry sauce?
KG: Yes.
PW: I made the same one!
KG: Oh, my God.
Fearing retribution from the L.A. Food Gods upon his return to The Land of Protruding Collar Bones, Kelly shopped for and cooked dinner on Christmas Day.
KG: I was walking around Jewel going, Where the fuck are the dried cranberries? Finally I found them when I realized that they were in a package labeled Craisins! They can't call them cranberries, or no one in the midwest would eat them!
PW: Dude, cranberries are waaaaaaaay too exotic. Unless, of course, they are jellied and canned, the way God intended.
You can bet your ass that God eats casseroles and jellied cranberries. Because God is Lutheran. And because, bananas aside, casseroles are nature's most perfect food. All the food groups in one pan, mixed with Miricle Whip and topped with crushed Ritz crackers! What could be better???
Next time you're in town, Kelly, c'mon over, and I'll prepare some nice homemade macaroni and cheese. It's fabulous. You do like Velveeta, right?
Posted at 02:08 PM | Comments (2)December 26, 2007
Another Damn Holiday Survey
Got this from the New Girl last year! Hey, New Girl, I still need that recipe for Candy Cane Pie!
1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
EGG NOG!!!!!! You can get hot chocolate any old time. And how can you resist the word nog?
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Who the hell wants unwrapped presents? If Santa's not wrapping your presents, he probably doesn't really like you.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
BOTH!
4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No way. I already have enough people trying to kiss me.
5. When do you put your decorations up?
I start Nov. 1, and if I'm not done by Thanksgiving, I start freaking out.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
STUFFING!!! And no weird-ass, oyster, sausage, raisin stuffing, either. Just bread, sage, celery, onions.
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child?
Going to Gramma O's house for Christmas Eve because didn't make me eat dinner to get dessert, and falling asleep on the way home in the back of the station wagon with all the presents. Everything in between is kind of a blur.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
Santa's gay??? Probably 2nd or 3rd grade, from a friend. Probably Melinda. But the fun part was that Billi believed in Santa for one more year, so I got to be in on the big secret and keep the dream alive for one more year for her. That was cool.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
We open LOTS of gifts on Christmas Eve. Almost all. Stockings and small gifts are for Christmas Day. I think it's a Scandihoovian thing that Eve is bigger than Day.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
Which one? We have MANY! The do go by theme, tho'. Would you expect anything less?
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! It's beautiful, and dealing with it builds character!
12. Can you ice skate?
HAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Um, no.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
I don't remember what I did yesterday for 2 hours. Seriously, I'm missing a whole block of time after noon. Don't ask me about remembering. I only remember the Tollhouse Chocolate Cookie recipe and people who have wronged me.
14. What's the most exciting thing about Christmas for you?
Watching my niece and three nephews open presents.
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Anything made with almond paste.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Eating. Calories be damned!
17. What tops your tree?
A Barbie angel.
18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
Depends on the other participant. Some people are great givers; some... are better at getting.
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Today? "Merry Christmas, Darling" by The Carpenters.
20. Candy Canes?
Boring alone, good when part of a larger dessert, like cookies or a pie. HINT, HINT, New Girl!
December 25, 2007
Merry Christmahanukkwanzaadon!
Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I promised Garrance a Christmas tree pictoral. Here ya go, bay-bee.
This is the requisite Tree In the Front Window.
Yes, that is a Barbie angel on top.
Every year since the dawn of time, Husband has handmade an ornament to distribute to friends and family. One design, limited edition, each year. I put up these trio of trees to showcase his ornaments, and I'm toying with the idea of leaving them up year-round.
Yes, those are milk cans the trees are perched upon. Unfortunately, the Coach box under the trees is not for me. It's for Older Step Daughter.
Here's the basement tree. We have to have one in the basement because that's where we open all the presents.
Like the Star-Wars-Lord-of-the-Rings backdrop? Nerd alert!
This cluster of trees is also in the basement, and they do stay up year-round, complete with pinecone lights.
Some men love high heels, some love latex. Husband? He has a pinecone fetish. These were display trees at a Christmas shop in Door County. I bought them for $20 because they have little pinecones on them!
One of these years, I'm going to send out a cute photo of my dogs as a Christmas card. But not this year.
Next year's not lookin' too good, either. I think I'm gonna have to wait until someone gifts me a better camera. Or less-retarded dogs.
Posted at 12:51 PM | Comments (2)December 24, 2007
The Post-Christmas Rush
And the rushing doesn't stop with Christmas Eve, or even Christmas Day, oh no.
Tomorrow evening, I'll be going to Billi and Brad's house for dinner and more present frenzy. Husband will be staying home with his daughters for some undiluted daddy-daughter time, and that's just as it should be. But me -- I am obligated by The Bonds of Sisterhood to go be The Only Other Sane Person At Billi's House.
The Guest List
Billi
The Girl Child
The Boy Child
The Spare (going on 36 hrs. of over-stimulation, by that time)
Brad
Brad's father (the racist harbinger of doom)
Brad's mother (the poker addict)
Brad's sister (fairly cool)
Brad's sister's third husband (the professional stand-up comedian)
Brad's sister's third husband's father (think Grandpa Simpson)
Mom
Dad (down in the basement with the bar and t.v. all night)
Me
Never has a sitcom had such an entertaining ensemble cast.
One of the running gags is that Billi, Mom and I have a pact -- if one of us sees another trapped being talked at by Brad's father, we are sworn to interrupt and call them away from him. Even better? Brad knows about this and doesn't even get mad at us.
Wednesday night, I'm taking Kelly Garrett to dinner for being my 1,500th commenter. I'm sure I'll here more vomit stories. There will be no boofing. I will not be ordering the chili.
Thursday night, we have a rehearsal for Bottle Band. We have a gig Friday night at a big holiday fest at a local... place. I'm not even telling you because I don't want the stalkers to show up. We'll be the only Bottle Band there, so it won't be hard to figure out which one I am.
I have no idea what music we're doing. I told the director he'd better write an arrangement of "Santa Baby" for me, but I think he thought I was kidding.
Oh, and I work all week.
Then I get to get up early Saturday morning to go to Indiana with Dick, the girls and the dogs, to do Christmas ALL OVER AGAIN with his family. Sweet Jesus, I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Fifteen people (and at least four dogs) in one house. It's The Beverly Hillbillies without the Beverly. I know I won't be getting any sleep, but at least I'll get more presents.
And we won't be coming home until after lunch on Sunday. Oy. Thank God they are the least dysfunctional family I'm associated with. Oddly enough, they're also the only one that doesn't drink... I think there's a moral in there somewhere, but I'm not going to look to closely. Morals suck.
God Jul, everyone! Be good to yourselves!
Posted at 10:49 AM | Comments (0)December 23, 2007
Wenchie's Cop-Out Christmas Survey Entry
Some days, I'm just not as inspired as others, ya know? Today's one of those days. A day of drivel, as I like to call it. Enjoy!
1. What is your favorite Christmas song?
"The Twelve Days of Christmas" by John Denver and the Muppets. I'm sorry, but Miss Piggy just never gets old. Oh, and I can tell you what my favorite Christmas song isn't. Bruce Springstein's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town." I have Husband so trained that he runs to the radio to shut it off whenever that piece of crap comes on.
2. What is your favorite Christmas movie or cartoon?
"A Christmas Story." Every scene is pure gold.
3. What is your favorite treat/dessert during the holidays?
MARZIPAN!
4. What is your favorite festive drink, alcoholic or non?
Eggnog, alcoholic or non.
5. Do you open your gifts Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?
BOTH! And get this -- we open some Christmas Eve, some Christmas Day in the morning, and some Christmas Day after dinner!
6. What is the best gift you ever received and from whom?
A Tiffany charm bracelet from Husband.
7. What is one thing you are hoping to receive this year?
Pirate Barbie, but that's not real likely, considering her price tag.
8. Prefer dark meat or white?
White. I can't eat dark meat because it might trigger a gout attack. Seriously. Gout.
9. Cranberry sauce or gravy?
Not a big fan of either, frankly. I'm a stuffing gal all the way.
10. If you've traveled during the holidays, when and where did you go?
Husband's whole family converges on his parents' farm house every weekend following Christmas. It's in Indiana. The drive is boring, but the farm is beautiful, and everyone's really nice. I can almost forgive them for having no booze in the house.
11. What is one holiday memory you'd rather forget?
I'll tell you when my family is all dead.
12. Do you like to listen to Christmas music?
Yes, but not just any old crap. I like The Charlie Brown Christmas album, John Denver & the Muppets, The Carpenters' Christmas Portrait, the Bare Naked Ladies' Christmas album, and Mr. Hanky's Christmas Classics. Quality stuff.
13. Do you decorate a fake or real tree?
Fake. Has to be because we have it up for 3-4 months.
14. Describe one ornament on your tree or in your house that is special to you?
Husband hand makes a different ornament every year. All different kinds -- he's very crafty. I think my favorite is a little wooden chickadee sitting on a twig. Very simple, very sweet.
15. Do you open gifts neatly and slowly or do you tear them apart quickly?
Slowly. See yesterday's blog.
16. Who do you normally spend Christmas day with?
Billi's in-laws. See tomorrow's blog.
17. If you could send one Christmas wish to the world, what would that be?
If you're driving slowly, get the hell outta the far left lane.
18. If you could see one person on Christmas, who would it be?
Billi's kids, first thing Christmas morning, opening their presents from Santa. Oh, and baby Jesus. I'm supposed to say Jesus, right?
19. Do you like to sing Christmas carols?
Did we just meet? Of course, I do. Especially solo.
20. Do you send out Christmas cards, photos and/or letters?
Just cards. We all know how I feel about letters, and Stella is afraid of the Christmas tree, so the photo just ain't happenin.
December 22, 2007
Stop the Frenzy
It has been established, ad nauseum, that I love presents. Getting them, giving them, buying them, wrapping and unwrapping them. I just love the idea of fun things hiding inside pretty paper.
Which is why Christmas drives me nuts.
People, do you know why I start shopping in August? Because I put thought and often research into each and every gift. I invest time and money, just like everyone else. Maybe more.
Which is why I don't want all of you opening my presents at once! I want to see if you really like what I got! I want to make sure that I made you happy!
I also enjoy seeing what everyone gets from people who aren't me, in case I need to step up my gift-giving next year.
And when I open my presents, I want to look you in the eye and sincerely (or insincerely but convincingly) thank you; not just catch your eye and nod while you open your next present.
I just like the whole experience, and I hate it when months of preparation are over in a frenzy of tissue and boxes. Would the three wisemen have stood for that?
Do you think that Mary haphazardly ripped open the myrrh and threw it aside to grab the frankinsense? The wisemen would have been horrified! They wouldn't have even given her the gold! The shepherds would have looked away awkwardly and made some excuse about, "Oh, we gotta go. The, uh... sheep need... sheering."
Slow down and enjoy your presents. Baby Jesus wants you to.
Posted at 02:30 PM | Comments (0)December 21, 2007
The Christmas Rush
For most people, the Christmas rush starts the day after Thanksgiving. They battle the malls for presents. They're out on the coldest day of the year hanging lights. They panic because they can't get their damn kids to cooperate for a photo by the tree to send out with their cards.
For me, the Christmas rush hasn't started, yet.
I started Christmas shopping in August and was 75% done by Thanksgiving. God bless Amazon and Sephora. One of our Christmas trees was up on the day after Halloween. I suffer no delusions that my idiot dogs will sit still in front of the tree without licking themselves, so I don't even try.
Which means that during December, I've had time to do the things that actually get me in the Christmas mood. I've sung in several Christmas concerts. I baked and decorated gingerbread cookies with Younger Step Daughter, Nephew, Girl Child and Boy Child. And my house looks like Saint Nick moved in and brought all the elves.
(Yes, Garrance, I will have a Christmas tree photo blog within the next few days.)
So I've been pretty chill. Work today will undoubtedly be uneventful. People have been taking the last of their vacation days (lest they loose them), and there was a mass exodus yesterday evening. The lights aren't even turned on in the department next to me, and a tinsel tumbleweed just drifted by.
No, my Christmas rush starts today when the clock hits 4:00. This evening, I will start the Mad Cleaning Frenzy that will continue until 15 minutes before my family arrives for Christmas Eve dinner.
Tomorrow, my fellow second soprano SS and I will be getting henna tattoos on our hands! I'M SO EXCITED! A new spa opened up next to Dr. Hottie's office, so I stopped in a grabbed a brochure. I'm not much interested in the threading, tanning or airbrushing, but then I saw
Henna Tattoos - $10
That's a mere 20% of what they cost at the damn Renn Faire! And what could be better than the opportunity to cause the entire family to engage in simultaneous eye-rolling when I serve Christmas dinner with henna designs all over my hands? Hee!
After that, Nat is coming over to introduce her 6 mo. old weiner dog to my monsters. That will definitely be taking place in the kitchen.
Somewhere in there, I'm going to bake cookies and Rice Krispie treats and eat dough until I'm sick.
On Sunday, Egrau, J, PJ and Ramone will be over to celebrate a bit and exchange presents. Because, you know, why NOT have a bunch of people over the day before I'm hosting Christmas Eve? What could be less stressful than that?
And by hosting, I don't just mean cleaning the house and cooking dinner. Hosting also includes herding the dogs so they don't spaz out and barf on the presents and bodyslam The Spare; creating an individual, age-appropriate treasure hunt for each niece and nephew (except for The Spare -- he can just hunt for the stuff he hid last time he was over); and oiling my rusty fingers well enough to get through some carols on the piano.
Even the dogs are getting into the action. At 4:45 this morning, in preparation for the big event, one of the dogs -- I don't know which -- contributed some lovely sphincter syrup to the dining room carpet. Shaped like a bell. How festive.
Posted at 08:58 AM | Comments (0)December 19, 2007
Nicki, I Thought of You
Monday, when I got home from work, there was a pidgeon sitting on my front step.
My friends. Horrified, aghast, repulsed, distraught -- none of these words can convey my feelings upon seeing a feral bird that close up, snuggling its disease-infested body against my dwelling.
Yesterday morning, the bird was gone when I left the house. I don't know where it went. Perhaps it was eaten by the coyote that frequents our neighborhood. Perhaps it crawled off to die in an area that was less exposed. I don't really care. I was just glad it was gone.
But yesterday, arriving home from work, I again spotted the offending animal, sitting in the same spot on my front step. My flesh actually crawled off my body, to O'Hare, and boarded a plane. I believe it's in Atlanta, Georgia, right now. I hope it's getting a tan.
People, that bird was sick and had chosen my front step on which to die. I can't imagine why. Perhaps it saw the slobbering mutts in the window and the myriad of flowers in the garden and thought, Ah, here is a lover of nature. Surely this house's inhabitants will take me inside and at least make my final hours warm and comfortable.
Fat fucking chance, Bird Flu! I waited until Husband came home and demanded that he deposit the thing in the garbage. Of course, that means I won't be touching him for a few days, but that's to be expected. I'm not going to risk getting The Black Plague. Especially not right before Christmas.
I'll bet you're wondering, Why did this incident make her think of Nicki? That seems rather insulting to such a lovely and eloquent person as Nicki.
That's because I know that Nicki shares my bird aversion and would have exactly the same reaction as I did: Do I get Husband to pitch the bird, or do we just sell the damn house and move?
Posted at 03:23 PM | Comments (1)December 18, 2007
Three Lists of Three
Things I Had to Remove From Stella's Mouth While Boy Child & Girl Child Were Over
1. A Bionicle.
2. A nickel.
3. A piece from Jenga.
Things I Can't Find Since The Spare Was Carrying Them Around
1. My comb.
2. My roller brush.
3. The ornament my boss gave me for Christmas, still in its box.
Things Boy Child Enjoyed Playing with While at Our House
1. The lazy susan where we keep the breakfast cereal.
2. The sliding door that separates the dining room and kitchen.
3. My Harley Davidson Barbie.
December 17, 2007
Pioneer Woman
Dear Jackass Neighbors,
Having lived in Chicago all my life, snow is nothing new to me. It doesn't take me by surprise. It doesn't ruin my day. In fact, I rather like it. It's lovely.
So don't think I'm a newbie to the midwest when I say that shoveling snow sucks. And shoveling six inches of really heavy snow sucks hairy abominable snowman balls.
Six inches. You know, like the amount of snow covering our town this weekend. Six inches. Like the length you hope your tiny penis will one day reach.
Don't pretend like you didn't see me out there at 6am, shoveling me entire driveway single-handedly so that I could drive to Jewel and get milk for my sister's childrens' breakfast. Don't pretend like you didn't notice that my house was one SUV short this week.
We live on 100-foot lots. Therefore, none of you four dinguses were more than 500 feet from me. There was plenty of early morning light reflecting off the MOUNTAINS OF WHITE SNOW. You saw me, asshats!
You, with your noisy, smelly, efficient snowblowers. You saw me, strugging to toss each huge, sodden shovelful of snow. You saw me stand to ease my aching back after every row. God, I was like a damn pioneer woman out there.
Except that my pioneer husband wasn't out back chopping wood while I was shoveling a path to the outhouse. He was in Indiana teaching a class at Purdue, unavailable to do his snow-clearing duty.
I didn't get married so that I could shovel snow. Or mow the lawn. Or clean the gutters. I got married so that I'd NEVER have to do those things again! That's Man-Work!
What really irritates me is this: If YOU were out of town, and it was YOUR wife shoveling your driveway and MY husband outside with a snowblower, there is no way he would have let her finish the job single-handedly!
So I raise my aching arms to the keyboard to say this: If you aren't going to lend a hand to your neighbors in a difficult situation, if you aren't going to band together against the forces of nature, move the hell out of my neighborhood.
And don't frickin' wave to me anymore, either. I don't want to see you nodding and smiling at me and my dogs this summer, like this winter never happened. You're dead to me.
Love, Wenchie
Posted at 11:42 AM | Comments (2)December 15, 2007
"The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Ho-Bag"
Welcome to a Bianca-free episode! Woo-hooooooooooo!
Previously on The Girl Child's Future Career, Chantal the "Barbie blonde" was in the Bottom Two after the Cover Girl video, and Saliesha won two challenges, proving she's more than a commercial model. Jenah is stunning but sarcastic -- can she turn on the charm? And none of the other girls matter because they're all losers, every last one of them.
Tyra Mail! "Ripe for the picking," "show your flavor." From this porno-speak, the girls somehow arrive at the conclusion that it's a shoot for Cover Girl. Well, I guess they've seen previous seasons.
Jenah says to Chantal or Sal (I can't tell which), "If you are I are in the Bottom Two, I'm going home." Blah blah, wah wah. We all know she's right, but can't we at least maintain the facade of suspense?
The girls to see Jay and Brent from Cover Girl, who tell them they're shooting both a commercial and a print ad -- the very same print ad that the winner of ANTM will have plastered all over the country. No pressure!
Jaslene! Jaslene is there to... give them a pep talk or something. Chantal goes, "I wanna be in her cute, little, strappy shoes!"
The ad is for some lip glop called "WetSlicks Fruit Spritzers," and the girls will be representing 3 of the 12 colors.
Chantal is up first for the commercial. Jay immitates her as, "I'm the dumb model." Which somehow inspires Chantal to correct her behavior and do awesome.
As soon as the camera starts rolling on Jenah, the crickets start chirping. She freezes and can't get it together. Finally, Jay threatens the cue cards, and she pulls one good take out of her butt. Jay warns her that her insecurity comes off as bitchy. Oh, like she's the only one!
Saliesha just can't do it. She starts crying and has to take a minute to pull herself together. Jay gives her some lame nugget of wisdom that probably contains the words "fierce" and "giraffe," I don't remember.
Judging! Tyra announces that the 2 girls left after this elimination will "walk to the death!" That'd be so awesome. Model cage match!
And then Tyra asks her favorite question of the models -- "Who do you think has the most and least potential to be a model?"
Of course, everyone says themselves. And frankly, I think that's a cop-out. I think it would be a much more interesting question if they had to pick someone besides themselves.
Chantal and Sal both say that Jenah has the least amount of potential because of her bad attitude. Jenah defends herself saying something to the effect of, "I think lots of girls will be able to look up to me and see that a bad girl can be a Cover Girl."
Wahw-wahwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Wrong answer, Jenah.
They all look at the commercials and photos.
Sal smiles with her eyes in the commercial, but in the photos, she has the same smile in all 20 takes.
Chantal is naturally charming and very girl-next-door. Yeah, she's doomed, too. You know Tyra rarely chooses the white girls to win. If she saw Twiggy 20 years ago, she'd probably say she's not "edgy" enough.
Tyra accuses Jenah of "making fun of the commercial" because she laughs when she's supposed to bite into her fruit. But in Jenah's defense, she got the strawberry which, let's face it, looks like a penis head. Then Nigel dusts off the old, "We believe in you, but do you believe in yourself?" Vomit.
Jenah tearfully says that she hates "being misunderstood by my FRIENDS." Dig! Tyra asks about her "armor" (Jesus, can't someone just be sarcastic without having deep, emotional issues?), and Jenah says she has to be tough because she had to raise her two little sisters.
Then Tyra forgets which of her shows they are currently filming and presses, "You resent your mama, don't you? For leaving you to raise your sisters." More tears, and Chantal joins in, which I think is kind of sweet.
Then, because they all feel bad for having to endure Tyra's mother-hen bullshit, the judges throw her a bone and tell her that her photo is soft, innocent and great.
Deliberations! Sal IS a Cover Girl, but is she high fashion? Jenah apologized and meant it, so she's obviously more "self-aware" now, and she always takes the most stunning photos. Chantal is the most amateur and should probably be going home.
But in a SHOCKING turn of events, Chantal gets called first to get her photo! Oh, editors of ANTM, your dizzying plot twists are sheer genius!
Sal and Jenah are in the Bottom Two, and Sal gets her photo. Jezum Crow, you've never seen such blubbering! As soon as Sal's name is called, she hugs Jenah and sobs, "I love you!" Billi and I crack up.
Her obligatory farewell photo montage proves that she does, indeed, take the best photos of any girl ever on ANTM, as Tyra tells her.
Sal and Chan go to a photo shoot for Seventeen, the photos from which will be used in the winner's photo spread. It's uneventful and doesn't get much airplay. They must not shell out as much in sponsor dollars as Cover Girl does.
The fashion show "walk to the death" will be for Qi Gang. The concept is something about the Ming dynasty coming into the modern age. I don't know. I want the crazy, haunted brides back.
Tyra looks fabulous in her qi pao, by the way.
The girls will talk on the world's longest runway, which is really just a red carpet rolled down a big cement lot in front of some Chinese building. The audience is... 600 people all in costume. It's weird and doesn't feel very fashion-showy.
Jay's final words of advice? "Do you." Brilliant.
Tyra has her grand entrace first, natch. Then the Chinese acrobats on stilts, then Jaslene. I guess Tyra doesn't want Jaslene to forget her place in the world.
The girls walk. It's walking. It's getting dressed and undressed quickly. It's more walking.
One of the acrobats trips on the long train of one of Chantal's gowns and goes down really hard. It looks really painful, and Chantal is clearly upset by it. Because she's human. But models aren't supposed to be human.
At panel, everyone looks at all the photos of both girls and compares them. But we only get to see three.
The harmful effects of smoking shoot: Chantal is graceful, Sal is committed. Is that a compliment?
Gargoyles on skyscrapers: Chantal is sexy yet high fashion. Sal is unique. Is that a compliment?
Great Wall of China: Sat took the city by storm. Chantal dominated her photo.
Runway: Chantal was stiff and took short, quick steps, showing her nerves. Sal has a great, confident walk but "bopped" her shoulders too much.
Deliberations! Tyra is surprised that the girls she thought were the most commercial are in the Final Two. She solicits sympathy from the panel because her "butt has to go up there and CRUSH one of them!"
Two girls stand before Tyra. They're both beautiful, yet they both suck in their own special way. One of them sucks less, and that's Saliesha. Damn. She gives the same scripted speech all past winners have given.
Chantal interviews that she's hurt and shocked, but she will continue to work hard.
Sal cries that she's "got is and never letting it go!"
Enjoy your 15 minutes, Sal.
Posted at 12:07 PM | Comments (0)December 13, 2007
eHarmony eSchmarmony: Part II
We now return to our regularly scheduled program, which is already in progress.
Remember, people, I am not making this stuff up!
Bachelor #3
The one thing Bachelor #3 is most passionate about:
"I am most passionate about living a life pleasing to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and fulfilling a lifelong dream of becoming the best pastor I can be. Following Christ is an adventure and I want to make the most of it while I can!"
The most influential person in Bachelor #3's life has been:
"Other than my parents (who have had a tremendous influence on me through their godly example & commitment to Christ), I would say Jesus, because He is my Savior & Lord. Besides Christ, my childhood pastor, because he boldly communicated the Gospel & stirred in me a desire to become a pastor myself someday. My high school youth leader also had a great influence on me because of his authentic love for Christ & for us youth (great times! :-))."
The most important thing Bachelor #3 is looking for in a person is:
"A genuine, sacrificial love for Christ and people. If someone has this kind of love, everything else tends to fall into place. Related to this would be authenticity/honesty--I think this is key to a healthy relationship."
The one thing Bachelor #3 wishes MORE people would notice about him is:
"It depends on the person. If they get to know me, they'll soon discover my sense of humor. Youth pick up on this more quickly, since their zaniness rubs off on me and gives me an excuse to be silly! ;-p "
The things Bachelor #3 can't live without are:
God & His Word
family & friends
fellowship with other believers
good books
Troy (my Jack Russell terrier) :-)
Some additional information Bachelor #3 wanted you to know is:
"I've never been married, have no children, am a virgin, and am looking for a soulmate who also has never been married and has saved herself for her future husband. Also, ideally, I would like someone who is also ministry-minded! :-) "
** I don't hate Bachelor #3 as much as I just pity him. eHarmony only allows people over 21, so he's not a teenager, and yet, he's still using emoticons. He is doomed to remain a virgin because he's not going to let any woman forget about Jesus' omnipotent presence long enough to feel comfortable getting it on. **
Okay, here's what would happen if I got on eHarmony...
Wenchie
The one thing Wenchie is most passionate about:
Having enough time to myself. It's really, really important that you leave me alone much of the time and not pester me with silly requests, such as dinner, a clean house, or a trip to visit your parents.
The most influential person in Wenchie's life has been:
My second husband. He bought me a car as an engagement present, thereby really raising the bar for the rest of you schmucks. If you don't have a 401k and good credit, look elsewhere.
The most important thing Wenchie is looking for in a person is:
Money. What? I'm not shallow! Sure, candlelight is romantic, but not when you can't pay the electric bill.
The one thing Wenchie wishes MORE people would notice about her is:
The color of my eyes. Or that I have eyes.
The things Wenchie can't live without are:
Carbohydrates, my Sleep Number Bed, Allegra, shoes with arch support, and a good moisturizer.
Some additional information Wenchie wanted you to know is: If you smoke, live with your parents, have more than one cat, or are currently umemployed, don't waste my time.
You know, these questions are so impractical. I realize that they're trying to get to know Your Deepest Inner Self, but seriously, when the hell does that ever come up?
Daily married life -- and I address this point because eHarmony is geared towards holy matrimony -- is much more about the mundane and necessary than the imperative and passionate.
Here are the questions I think people should be forced to answer honestly:
1. What was your most recent house-related disaster, and how did you handle it?
2. Do you collect anything, and if so, how much room does it take up?
3. When was the last time you called anyone in your family, and what did you talk about?
4. How much time do you spend watching t.v. in a day?
5. What kind of mood are you generally in at the end of a work day?
6. How high is your tolerance for sarcasm?
7. Do you want children?
8. Am I allowed to notice that people of the opposite sex exist and may be, in fact, better looking than you?
9. What kind of movies do you like?
10. Are you occassionally willing to lie to family and friends to get me/us out of social obligations?
[P.S. Since I first started to put this post together, my co-worker has come into the office with some very prominant stubble burn on her chin. Me thinks her luck may be a'changin'...]
Posted at 08:20 PM | Comments (2)December 11, 2007
"The Girls Go To the Great Wall"
I missed the Previously stuff because I was over at Spikette's having pizza and just barely made it home on time. Love this icey weather!
Shanghai. Heather mail! Jenah is sad to see Heather go. Bianca says that "she was in her own little world most of the time, so it's not that different with her not here." Except that now Bianca has to find someone else to hate on.
The girls travel to Beijing, where their tour guide is named "Kevin." Somehow, I don't think that's his real name.
Jenah is still stressed out from being in the Bottom Two. Chantal, on the other hand, is quite content because she knows that being America's Next Top Model is her density. I mean destiny. Ah, and Bianca starts with the bitching about Chantal. Took her about 3.47 seconds to find a new victim. Is that a record?
The girls go to some... stage or something. Miss J and Twiggy are carried in by Chinese servants. How green of them to use the backs of lesser people than to use golf carts.
The narrate some... pagaent about "The Four Beauties," who are apparently the four most beautiful women in China, each from a different era. The women are, indeed, much more beautiful, graceful and well-dressed than the models.
Bianca thoughtlessly quips, "Okay, is it over?" Yes, God forbid you experience any of the culture, learn anything or act like a grown-up for one damn minute. The Four Beauties aren't rapping, so -- whoops! There goes Bianca's attention span!
At the end of the program, Miss J says they must wait and see how The Four Beauties relates to them... oooooooooh, I can hardly stand the suspense!
The girls get to their new home, which is way more sophisticated and beautiful than any of them deserve. I'm sure Bianca is like, "Okay, where's the Old Kessler?"
Tyra Mail! Great wall, great mall, shopping, squealing. The dresses that The Four Beauties wore are in boxes waiting for them. They are to go to the mall in the gorgeous gowns and modernize them, making the dresses their own. Which is never a good idea. They get $200 each to spend.
The girls all try on shoes and buy purses. Bianca decides to ditch the other girls in search of a store that will give her some special, secret edge, I guess. The other side of the mall is dismal, so she comes back. On the way, she runs into Jenah and tells her something to the effect of, "You should go across the street. They have some really great stores over there."
Now, Bianca and Jenah have gotten along so far (because Bianca didn't view Jenah as real competition), so Jenah, of course, takes her advice. Bianca calls it "strategy" and "feels better" after sabotaging her friend. Nice.
Hey! Is that Dani(elle) in the mascara commercial with Queen Latifa?
Bianca interviews that there are "no friends in competition." Jenah merely says, "That. Bitch." She totally didn't see that coming because playing dirty "isn't my style."
Seventeen editor Anne Shorket is there at the runway to judge the girls' walks and gown-make-overs. The girls are given a bunch of Cover Girl crap to do their own make-up for the competition.
Sal's walk is superb. Chantal has a very natural, great walk. Bianca hiked up her skirt like a hootchie mama, but Anne thinks that's a cute idea to show off her legs. Jenah, too, turned her gown into a mini, and then she took off her cape on the catwalk, which Anne loves.
The girls are given their critiques. Sal needs to loosen up, which is a lot different than the tongue-bath they were giving her when she couldn't hear them. Jenah is amazing. Bianca's walk is too "hiphop." They love Chantal's yellow shoes.
Jenah wins and picks Chantal to share her prize because she "can't trust" Bianca. The girls get beautiful qi pao gowns tailored to fit them, and Jenah gets a one-on-one runway lesson with Miss J. Apparently, this lesson is supposed to be a big deal because Miss J has never done a one-on-one with any Top Model wannabe before. Whoop-dee-shit.
Tyra Mail! Something about being seen from space. The girls are going to Vegas! Oh. No. They're going to the Great Wall.
Bianca starts bitching about everyone and everything. Jenah is homesick and misses her boyfriend. They both just want to get the whole competition over with.
At the Great Wall, they girls are going to be warriors scaling the wall with six other red-shirt warriors. Tyra is the photographer and a vision in khaki.
In the hair and make-up trailer, Sal gets a huge bun on the side of her head. She compares her look to http://www.warriorprincess.com/galleries/displayimage.php?album=138&pos=5. And can I just say? Xena NEVER wore her hair like that, so Sal is snorting Comet and totally wishes she was Xena. Idiot.
Chantal is totally getting into the whole thing, talking about how she loves the jet-setting life and getting to shoot at different locations. Tyra really likes shooting her, and her yes-man, Jay, agrees.
Jenah feels like she's losing herself. Tyra asks her to pretend there's something she really wants on the other side of the wall. Jenah says she wants to find herself. Uh-oh. Bad answer. She's going home.
Bianca sucks ass and Tyra has to get up and show her how to pose. Her first 40 shots are painful, but the last 20 are better. Dare I get my hopes up?
Jay gives me a shout-out by telling Sal she looks totally crouching-tiger-hidden-dragon. He also says she's the only one who "used her environment and creativity." What does that even mean?
When they're all done shooting, Tyra wants to take a group shot, the challenge being to stand out with several other models in the same photo. Bianca is all pissed cuz Sal has her bun in Bianca's face. Hee! One might argue that she's doing Bianca a favor...
Back at their pad, Bianca starts ragging that Chantal is "bland" and Sal sucks and makes some crack about "blonde girls." RACIST!
Oh my God. Wednesday night, someone is going to have to come over and PHYSICALLY STOP ME from watching "Crowned." It looks even more dysfunctional than ANTM! Mothers and daughters competing as a team! Meow!
Judging!
Jenah's face is amazing, and her legs go on forever, but she seems to get a big lost in her costume. Which is, of course, Tyra's deliberate metaphor for what's going on inside her. Jenah starts crying that she misses her two little sisters, but at the same time, she wants to win this so she can be someone that her sisters can look up to. Awwwwwwwwww.
Bianca's profile is nice, but her posing is really stiff and awkward. She second-guessed herself throughout the shoot.
Chantal is perfect and brought a real positive attitude to the shoot. She is taking her modeling "to the next level."
Sal looks so amazing in her photo that the judges notice her first and hardly even look at the Great Wall in her photo. I guess that makes Sal the Eighth Wonder of the World. Tyra says that she came to the shoot nervous but put that energy into her work.
I see Bianca and Jenah in the Bottom Two, with Jenah going home. You know how Tyra hates a disappearing model!
In the group photo, the judges all pick their favorite and ooze all over them. As an afterthought, they mention that Bianca looks like "the guy." HA!
The girls leave for deliberations, and Tyra says to the panel that she thought she knew what this elimination would bring, but that the photo shoot changed it all.
Jenah seems to have been "dislodged" from the competition, and they think she gave her "swan song" speech. Nooooooooooo!
Bianca is the least modely. True, she came in with no experience and has come a long way. But has she come far enough?
Chantal is "channeling her inner diva"
Sal is the hands-down favorite and seems to "sparkle" in person and in photos.
Chantal is called first. In addition to her own photo, she's also the only one who gets the group photo because she stands out the most.
Sal is called next, leaving Bianca and Jenah in the Bottom Two. Bianca is very urban but is improving. Jenah gave her swan song. Who will go home.
Husband rushes into the room saying that Bianca is going home, but I know Tyra -- she hates it when models break down, so I think it's Jenah.
HA! Jenah gets her photo! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I've never been so happy to be wrong! Husband makes sure I write down that HE was right.
Bianca interviews that she came in with an attitude but the whole experience humbled her. LIE!!!
Next episode: The finale! Two eliminations, and the crowning of America's Next Completely Forgettable Model! And then the premiere of "Crowned"...
Posted at 08:12 AM | Comments (0)December 10, 2007
eHarmony eSchmarmony: Part I
I have a friend. She is single. She is young. She is pretty, smart and funny. She is employed. She's a catch. However, I'm not revealing her name because she's a little embarassed about that fact that she has recently joined... eHarmony.
I pass no judgement upon her because, if I were again single (and mildly retarded, as I'd have to be to want to date ever again after having two husbands), I'd probably give eHarmony a shot, too.
I will, however, pass judgement upon the walking freak shows that she has been "matched" with, according to her 238-question compatability test.
Now, let me clearly state that "Jane," as I will call her, is just a normal person. She has a dog. She yells at other drivers. She's losing patience with her mother. She loves PB&J sammiches. Normal, normal, normal.
Of her eHarmony experience so far, she has said, "I have been on eharmony for 3 weeks now. I've been sent 195 matches. I've deleted 188 of them for being like the ones below. The rest have deleted me. I'm telling you, it has been lame. And the time has come that I show you how lame it is. I don't think you can really understand without reading these profiles that were sent to me today."
Bachelor #1
The three things that Bachelor #1 is most thankful for:
"my mother, education (when it's good), globalization."
The most important thing Bachelor #1 is looking for in a person is:
"Tacit magic of understanding and compatibility. I believe in working things out, but starting from a good match helps."
Five things Bachelor #1 can't live without:
"Music (but I happily got rid of my ipod last year)
Paper, the greatest invention.
Internet. Almost as good as paper.
Tea.
Daily Show and Colbert Report."
One thing that only Bachelor #1's best friends know is:
"a. I wouldn't readily admit, but since I found out there's free cable in my apartment I've started watching a little bit of TV (after 10 years without it). b. This is a terrible secret: I don't like movies, and do not watch them unless it's supposed to be really good for my soul in some way (like a bitter medicine). This has got to be the worst quirk to have in American culture, because everyone is immersed in movies (or "films")."
[ ** I can't even express how much I hate Bachelor #1. Globalization? Tea? TEA?! And who happily gets rid of their iPod? Oh, that's right -- the same sanctimonious asshole who hasn't watched t.v. in 10 years and doesn't like "films." What a prick. I'm not even going to delve into his mommy issues. ** ]
Bachelor #2
The one thing Bachelor #2 is most passionate about:
"I am most passionate about inspiring others to see the wonder of creation all around them and to remind them that we do walk in beauty on this earth. While work and the diurnal consumes our time, we are always connected to the eternal, which can be found in any moment. I seek to know the tender revealed truth of another and to love in full awareness, seeking not the sentimental but the glorious revealing of another soul, the tenderness of vulnerability and the strength of a strong will and loving heart."
The most important thing Bachelor #2 is looking for in a person is:
"I think the most important quality is the ability to see past material obsessions and worries and to see the world in a glorious new light, in total surrender to Christ's love and will. I am looking for someone who is practical but who can also imbue the domestic with passion and adventure. I seek someone who lives with an expansive joy and deep spirituality, understanding her own being and sense of aliveness in a living relationship with the Creator. In this vein, I seek someone daring and unafraid to reveal her own vulnerability and who seeks to live authentically."
The first thing you'll probably notice about Bachelor #2 when you meet him:
"They may notice how quickly my deep voice and stern expression can turn to joyous laughter. They may also realize how quickly I can segue to conversation, from the most trivial to the most profound subjects."
Bachelor #2 typically spends his leisure time:
"I love to write, read, and see thought-provoking films. I can write in any genre and love to evoke the most fascinating mental images and sensations. I read novels, poetry, nonfiction, etc. I also read to keep current with events in order to advance my knowledge and be a better teacher. As for other interests, I have many, including singing, but that is something I reserve for only the most daring woman! I also love hiking and the outdoors. I am a man of many talents and surprises, and I love to enjoy every moment..."
One thing that only Bachelor #2's best friends know is:
"I have a great sense of humor and aptitude for caricature."
Some additional information Bachelor #2 wanted you to know is:
"If you want intimacy, if you want a guy who can be both tender and strong, and can take the good times with the bad, I'm your guy. Walk with me for a while past the transience of our days and let me awaken you with a kind word and loving touch. I am an original thinker and can definitely provide you with a unique perspective and a passionate embrace of life. Maybe I can even make you smile! Also, I grew up in Dallas, TX (lot of family there) but have lived in diverse places such as Chicago, Phoenix, etc. so I am familiar with a wide variety of regions in the US and have the potential to move to other regions for academic positions if need be."
[ ** If you want a guy who can talk your damn ear off without taking a breath, Bachelor #2 is your guy. I give him two points for not putting quotation marks around the word film, but I take off five billion points for being a self-obsessed jackass in love with his own vocabulary. Notice that he is willing to move anywhere in the U.S. to find a woman who can tolerage his presence. I see a mail-order bride in this guy's future. ** ]
Tune in Wednesday for Bachelor #3 and Wench #1...
Posted at 09:53 AM | Comments (8)December 04, 2007
Twins
This is a guest blog by Kelly Garrett because I'm sick again.
When I heard this story from A, I made an ass of myself shrieking with laughter in the middle of Chorale rehearsal. But I knew I couldn't do the story as much justice as one who had actually been there, so I solicited this firsthand account from Kelly.
Enjoy.
* * * * *
There are two reasons that "A" and I always get asked if we are twins. The obvious is that we look alike. But once someone gets to know us, it becomes clear that our biggest similarities are in our behavior.
[Let me point out here that I don't think A and Kelly look anything alike, but perhaps that's because I've known them for so long. Maybe they look alike to total strangers. With glaucoma.]
If you remember my first guest blog, then you know that I barfed in bed and went back to sleep without cleaning it up at my cousin's wedding last year. I went to another wedding the other week, and there was more sleeping with barf, only this time, it wasn't me.
The wedding took place in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, at a beautiful resort. I got to the hotel at about 7:00 p.m. "A" arrived first thing that morning because, if you've seen him lately, he wants death via melanoma.
[Recently, our pastor was heard to say to A, "If you get any darker, you're going to change race!"]
He was supposed to leave a note at the front desk for me so that I knew where he was. Was there a note? No! Did I have sand in my vagina? Yes!
After creating much consternation for the desk clerk, who asked about ten other employees if someone had left me a note, I said to forget it and I would just walk the grounds and see if they were around the hotel. Luckily, I immediately found the bride and her friends drinking beer on the terrace, but there was no "A." Maybe his flight was delayed or cancelled, I thought to myself. I can be so naive sometimes.
Arrive (the bride) and Arrival (her sister) jumped up and told me that they had to bring me to our room right away to see "A." On the five minute walk to the room, they explained to me a few things that I missed that day:
1. They went to the pool bar for happy hour between 4 and 5 p.m.
2. Happy hour meant 2-for-1 margaritas.
3. This is Mexico, and they don't fuck around with their margaritas.
4. "A" drank ten margaritas.
5. They took "A" to the room at 5:30, and he instantly got naked, lied down in the bathtub, and peed on himself. That was when he passed out in the tub and they left.
As Arrival (who "A" and I were sharing the room with) opened the bathroom door, a disgusting stench bombarded us and nearly induced us to vomit. We held our breath and peeked our heads around the door. "A" got up and was awfully cheery and happy to see me. Then he fell back into tub, but rather than a thud, we heard a swish.
When we moved in closer and could see inside the tub, we discovered the entire left side of "A's" body was covered in barf. Not just a little barf. I'm talking Gary barfing in Team America: World Police or the pie barf-o-rama in Stand By Me.
[That scene in Team America: World Police literally triggered my gag reflex. I had to close my eyes and plug my ears until it was over.]
Arrive took charge of the situation:
Arrive: A, you have to get out of the tub and come to the shower. (The shower was separate from the tub in our room.)
A: No, no, no, no, it's so cold. It's cold. It's cold. Nooooooooo.
Arrive: A, you are laying in your own barf. Get out right now and come to the shower.
A: No, my barf is warm.
Arrive: A, I am so serious. It smells and it's gross. I am taking you to the shower right now.
As she reached in to grab his right arm, "A" finally revealed why he was so hesitant about getting out of the bathtub:
A: Ok, you guys, I'm getting out, but I might have pooed a little bit.
Arrive pulled "A" up and, sure enough, there was a little terd sitting there in the tub. Arrival and I were in the other room laughing hysterically. When we composed ourselves enough to re-enter the bathroom, Arrive was actually in the shower with "A" helping him clean himself -- I'm sure this was just the wedding she always dreamed of as a child!
[Am I the only person who hasn't seen A naked?]
After getting all the barf off of himself, "A" went to lie down -- this time in the bed. You know "A" is wasted when he sleeps in the nude rather than his signature briefs.
I am happy to report that only one of us "twins" barfed that weekend.
Speaking of twins, I was sitting in first class on the way home, and the seats in front of me were empty, which was hard to believe since I didn't get upgraded until after taking my seat in coach. Just as the flight attendant was about to close the door, two familiar faces rushed aboard: The Olsen Twins! Ashley spent the flight sleeping and doing sudoko while Mary-Kate read a book. How could I tell them apart you wonder? Well, as soon as they came on board, Melanie Griffith, who was sitting behind me, rose from her seat, screamed "Mary-Kate!" And then embraced her in the aisle.
* * * * *
Nice name-dropping, Kelly. What the hell is this now -- Pink is the New Blog? Crimeny.
Posted at 07:30 AM | Comments (6)December 03, 2007
Why I Don't Leave Dirty Laundry On the Floor
The Evil One is eating my home again.
Now that her favorite kitchen walls are fixed and wallpaper-free, Stella has turned her appetite to our $300 rug. Prompting me to ponder the age-old question: What the fuck is wrong with my stupid dog?
Can't she eat anything inexpensive? Almost makes me wish she'd just go back to eating poop. At least poop is free and plentiful. And outside.
Back in her poop-chowing phase, I bought a bottle of Stool Deodorizer Plus, whose promises include the following:
1. Eliminates Foul Stool & Urine Odor
2. Alleviates Occasional Gas
3. Stops Stool Eating
4. Reduces Bad Breath & Body Odor.
Now, my first reaction is, "If this product actually eliminates all smelly functions of the body, why don't they make it for humans???"
Husband, I'm looking at you.
But I don't really care about my dogs' stool and urine odor because they go outside in the yard. And if their occasional gas was alleviated, who would I blame mine on? As for bad breath and body odor, well... they're dogs. Those of us who know what it's like to bask in a pet's unconditional love are willing to put up with a bit of smelliness. It just comes with the territory.
No, it was the Stops Stool Eating that caught my attention. But how do they do it? How do they make poop less appealing?
Prompting me to ponder the other age-old question: What tastes worse than poop?
Vomit? Not for my dogs! The opportunity to re-eat what they've already eaten is a total bonus for them. Vomit: all the taste, no chewing required!
So how does it work???
Frankly, it doesn't. Tried it, Stella still snarfed turds. It was just something she had to grow out of.
She has since moved on to other fragrant snacks, including rugs, window ledges, Husband's socks and Younger Step Daughter's panties.
How do they taste in comparison to poop, I wonder? Uup, I just puked a little in the back of my throat.
Posted at 12:24 PM | Comments (3)