December 17, 2007
Pioneer Woman
Dear Jackass Neighbors,
Having lived in Chicago all my life, snow is nothing new to me. It doesn't take me by surprise. It doesn't ruin my day. In fact, I rather like it. It's lovely.
So don't think I'm a newbie to the midwest when I say that shoveling snow sucks. And shoveling six inches of really heavy snow sucks hairy abominable snowman balls.
Six inches. You know, like the amount of snow covering our town this weekend. Six inches. Like the length you hope your tiny penis will one day reach.
Don't pretend like you didn't see me out there at 6am, shoveling me entire driveway single-handedly so that I could drive to Jewel and get milk for my sister's childrens' breakfast. Don't pretend like you didn't notice that my house was one SUV short this week.
We live on 100-foot lots. Therefore, none of you four dinguses were more than 500 feet from me. There was plenty of early morning light reflecting off the MOUNTAINS OF WHITE SNOW. You saw me, asshats!
You, with your noisy, smelly, efficient snowblowers. You saw me, strugging to toss each huge, sodden shovelful of snow. You saw me stand to ease my aching back after every row. God, I was like a damn pioneer woman out there.
Except that my pioneer husband wasn't out back chopping wood while I was shoveling a path to the outhouse. He was in Indiana teaching a class at Purdue, unavailable to do his snow-clearing duty.
I didn't get married so that I could shovel snow. Or mow the lawn. Or clean the gutters. I got married so that I'd NEVER have to do those things again! That's Man-Work!
What really irritates me is this: If YOU were out of town, and it was YOUR wife shoveling your driveway and MY husband outside with a snowblower, there is no way he would have let her finish the job single-handedly!
So I raise my aching arms to the keyboard to say this: If you aren't going to lend a hand to your neighbors in a difficult situation, if you aren't going to band together against the forces of nature, move the hell out of my neighborhood.
And don't frickin' wave to me anymore, either. I don't want to see you nodding and smiling at me and my dogs this summer, like this winter never happened. You're dead to me.
Love, Wenchie
Comments
Just give them the one-finger wave next time you see them.
Posted by: Kelly Garret at December 17, 2007 08:52 PM
As asshatish as your neighbors are, my friend sandykidd's neighbors take the proverbial cake.
Posted by: Mickey at December 18, 2007 03:23 AM