December 15, 2007
"The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Ho-Bag"
Welcome to a Bianca-free episode! Woo-hooooooooooo!
Previously on The Girl Child's Future Career, Chantal the "Barbie blonde" was in the Bottom Two after the Cover Girl video, and Saliesha won two challenges, proving she's more than a commercial model. Jenah is stunning but sarcastic -- can she turn on the charm? And none of the other girls matter because they're all losers, every last one of them.
Tyra Mail! "Ripe for the picking," "show your flavor." From this porno-speak, the girls somehow arrive at the conclusion that it's a shoot for Cover Girl. Well, I guess they've seen previous seasons.
Jenah says to Chantal or Sal (I can't tell which), "If you are I are in the Bottom Two, I'm going home." Blah blah, wah wah. We all know she's right, but can't we at least maintain the facade of suspense?
The girls to see Jay and Brent from Cover Girl, who tell them they're shooting both a commercial and a print ad -- the very same print ad that the winner of ANTM will have plastered all over the country. No pressure!
Jaslene! Jaslene is there to... give them a pep talk or something. Chantal goes, "I wanna be in her cute, little, strappy shoes!"
The ad is for some lip glop called "WetSlicks Fruit Spritzers," and the girls will be representing 3 of the 12 colors.
Chantal is up first for the commercial. Jay immitates her as, "I'm the dumb model." Which somehow inspires Chantal to correct her behavior and do awesome.
As soon as the camera starts rolling on Jenah, the crickets start chirping. She freezes and can't get it together. Finally, Jay threatens the cue cards, and she pulls one good take out of her butt. Jay warns her that her insecurity comes off as bitchy. Oh, like she's the only one!
Saliesha just can't do it. She starts crying and has to take a minute to pull herself together. Jay gives her some lame nugget of wisdom that probably contains the words "fierce" and "giraffe," I don't remember.
Judging! Tyra announces that the 2 girls left after this elimination will "walk to the death!" That'd be so awesome. Model cage match!
And then Tyra asks her favorite question of the models -- "Who do you think has the most and least potential to be a model?"
Of course, everyone says themselves. And frankly, I think that's a cop-out. I think it would be a much more interesting question if they had to pick someone besides themselves.
Chantal and Sal both say that Jenah has the least amount of potential because of her bad attitude. Jenah defends herself saying something to the effect of, "I think lots of girls will be able to look up to me and see that a bad girl can be a Cover Girl."
Wahw-wahwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Wrong answer, Jenah.
They all look at the commercials and photos.
Sal smiles with her eyes in the commercial, but in the photos, she has the same smile in all 20 takes.
Chantal is naturally charming and very girl-next-door. Yeah, she's doomed, too. You know Tyra rarely chooses the white girls to win. If she saw Twiggy 20 years ago, she'd probably say she's not "edgy" enough.
Tyra accuses Jenah of "making fun of the commercial" because she laughs when she's supposed to bite into her fruit. But in Jenah's defense, she got the strawberry which, let's face it, looks like a penis head. Then Nigel dusts off the old, "We believe in you, but do you believe in yourself?" Vomit.
Jenah tearfully says that she hates "being misunderstood by my FRIENDS." Dig! Tyra asks about her "armor" (Jesus, can't someone just be sarcastic without having deep, emotional issues?), and Jenah says she has to be tough because she had to raise her two little sisters.
Then Tyra forgets which of her shows they are currently filming and presses, "You resent your mama, don't you? For leaving you to raise your sisters." More tears, and Chantal joins in, which I think is kind of sweet.
Then, because they all feel bad for having to endure Tyra's mother-hen bullshit, the judges throw her a bone and tell her that her photo is soft, innocent and great.
Deliberations! Sal IS a Cover Girl, but is she high fashion? Jenah apologized and meant it, so she's obviously more "self-aware" now, and she always takes the most stunning photos. Chantal is the most amateur and should probably be going home.
But in a SHOCKING turn of events, Chantal gets called first to get her photo! Oh, editors of ANTM, your dizzying plot twists are sheer genius!
Sal and Jenah are in the Bottom Two, and Sal gets her photo. Jezum Crow, you've never seen such blubbering! As soon as Sal's name is called, she hugs Jenah and sobs, "I love you!" Billi and I crack up.
Her obligatory farewell photo montage proves that she does, indeed, take the best photos of any girl ever on ANTM, as Tyra tells her.
Sal and Chan go to a photo shoot for Seventeen, the photos from which will be used in the winner's photo spread. It's uneventful and doesn't get much airplay. They must not shell out as much in sponsor dollars as Cover Girl does.
The fashion show "walk to the death" will be for Qi Gang. The concept is something about the Ming dynasty coming into the modern age. I don't know. I want the crazy, haunted brides back.
Tyra looks fabulous in her qi pao, by the way.
The girls will talk on the world's longest runway, which is really just a red carpet rolled down a big cement lot in front of some Chinese building. The audience is... 600 people all in costume. It's weird and doesn't feel very fashion-showy.
Jay's final words of advice? "Do you." Brilliant.
Tyra has her grand entrace first, natch. Then the Chinese acrobats on stilts, then Jaslene. I guess Tyra doesn't want Jaslene to forget her place in the world.
The girls walk. It's walking. It's getting dressed and undressed quickly. It's more walking.
One of the acrobats trips on the long train of one of Chantal's gowns and goes down really hard. It looks really painful, and Chantal is clearly upset by it. Because she's human. But models aren't supposed to be human.
At panel, everyone looks at all the photos of both girls and compares them. But we only get to see three.
The harmful effects of smoking shoot: Chantal is graceful, Sal is committed. Is that a compliment?
Gargoyles on skyscrapers: Chantal is sexy yet high fashion. Sal is unique. Is that a compliment?
Great Wall of China: Sat took the city by storm. Chantal dominated her photo.
Runway: Chantal was stiff and took short, quick steps, showing her nerves. Sal has a great, confident walk but "bopped" her shoulders too much.
Deliberations! Tyra is surprised that the girls she thought were the most commercial are in the Final Two. She solicits sympathy from the panel because her "butt has to go up there and CRUSH one of them!"
Two girls stand before Tyra. They're both beautiful, yet they both suck in their own special way. One of them sucks less, and that's Saliesha. Damn. She gives the same scripted speech all past winners have given.
Chantal interviews that she's hurt and shocked, but she will continue to work hard.
Sal cries that she's "got is and never letting it go!"
Enjoy your 15 minutes, Sal.