December 04, 2007
Twins
This is a guest blog by Kelly Garrett because I'm sick again.
When I heard this story from A, I made an ass of myself shrieking with laughter in the middle of Chorale rehearsal. But I knew I couldn't do the story as much justice as one who had actually been there, so I solicited this firsthand account from Kelly.
Enjoy.
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There are two reasons that "A" and I always get asked if we are twins. The obvious is that we look alike. But once someone gets to know us, it becomes clear that our biggest similarities are in our behavior.
[Let me point out here that I don't think A and Kelly look anything alike, but perhaps that's because I've known them for so long. Maybe they look alike to total strangers. With glaucoma.]
If you remember my first guest blog, then you know that I barfed in bed and went back to sleep without cleaning it up at my cousin's wedding last year. I went to another wedding the other week, and there was more sleeping with barf, only this time, it wasn't me.
The wedding took place in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, at a beautiful resort. I got to the hotel at about 7:00 p.m. "A" arrived first thing that morning because, if you've seen him lately, he wants death via melanoma.
[Recently, our pastor was heard to say to A, "If you get any darker, you're going to change race!"]
He was supposed to leave a note at the front desk for me so that I knew where he was. Was there a note? No! Did I have sand in my vagina? Yes!
After creating much consternation for the desk clerk, who asked about ten other employees if someone had left me a note, I said to forget it and I would just walk the grounds and see if they were around the hotel. Luckily, I immediately found the bride and her friends drinking beer on the terrace, but there was no "A." Maybe his flight was delayed or cancelled, I thought to myself. I can be so naive sometimes.
Arrive (the bride) and Arrival (her sister) jumped up and told me that they had to bring me to our room right away to see "A." On the five minute walk to the room, they explained to me a few things that I missed that day:
1. They went to the pool bar for happy hour between 4 and 5 p.m.
2. Happy hour meant 2-for-1 margaritas.
3. This is Mexico, and they don't fuck around with their margaritas.
4. "A" drank ten margaritas.
5. They took "A" to the room at 5:30, and he instantly got naked, lied down in the bathtub, and peed on himself. That was when he passed out in the tub and they left.
As Arrival (who "A" and I were sharing the room with) opened the bathroom door, a disgusting stench bombarded us and nearly induced us to vomit. We held our breath and peeked our heads around the door. "A" got up and was awfully cheery and happy to see me. Then he fell back into tub, but rather than a thud, we heard a swish.
When we moved in closer and could see inside the tub, we discovered the entire left side of "A's" body was covered in barf. Not just a little barf. I'm talking Gary barfing in Team America: World Police or the pie barf-o-rama in Stand By Me.
[That scene in Team America: World Police literally triggered my gag reflex. I had to close my eyes and plug my ears until it was over.]
Arrive took charge of the situation:
Arrive: A, you have to get out of the tub and come to the shower. (The shower was separate from the tub in our room.)
A: No, no, no, no, it's so cold. It's cold. It's cold. Nooooooooo.
Arrive: A, you are laying in your own barf. Get out right now and come to the shower.
A: No, my barf is warm.
Arrive: A, I am so serious. It smells and it's gross. I am taking you to the shower right now.
As she reached in to grab his right arm, "A" finally revealed why he was so hesitant about getting out of the bathtub:
A: Ok, you guys, I'm getting out, but I might have pooed a little bit.
Arrive pulled "A" up and, sure enough, there was a little terd sitting there in the tub. Arrival and I were in the other room laughing hysterically. When we composed ourselves enough to re-enter the bathroom, Arrive was actually in the shower with "A" helping him clean himself -- I'm sure this was just the wedding she always dreamed of as a child!
[Am I the only person who hasn't seen A naked?]
After getting all the barf off of himself, "A" went to lie down -- this time in the bed. You know "A" is wasted when he sleeps in the nude rather than his signature briefs.
I am happy to report that only one of us "twins" barfed that weekend.
Speaking of twins, I was sitting in first class on the way home, and the seats in front of me were empty, which was hard to believe since I didn't get upgraded until after taking my seat in coach. Just as the flight attendant was about to close the door, two familiar faces rushed aboard: The Olsen Twins! Ashley spent the flight sleeping and doing sudoko while Mary-Kate read a book. How could I tell them apart you wonder? Well, as soon as they came on board, Melanie Griffith, who was sitting behind me, rose from her seat, screamed "Mary-Kate!" And then embraced her in the aisle.
* * * * *
Nice name-dropping, Kelly. What the hell is this now -- Pink is the New Blog? Crimeny.
Comments
ok...so...this is 'A'. I would just like to point out that while I do remember barfing, I don't remember pooing. This story is totally made up.
:P
Posted by: A at December 4, 2007 01:56 PM
What a perfect first-hand account of the day's events!!! We can't forget about trying to get the maids to clean up the rest of the bathroom...hilarious!
Posted by: Arrive at December 4, 2007 02:40 PM
Yikes! Poo & barf in one fell swoop, err ... Poop! I've not seen "A" naked either, tho I did see him in baby diapers. Hope those maids got a nice fat tip! SB
Posted by: Snippy Bitch at December 5, 2007 03:10 AM
This story is making my liver hurt.
Posted by: Diana at December 5, 2007 02:00 PM
So where and when is Barf-fest 2008?
Posted by: Love 2 misbehave at December 6, 2007 01:49 PM
This child is 29 years of age!!!!!!!!!!!!! It does a parental proud to know this behavior continues on and on and on and on!! Shit, he's ready for depends!!!!!!!!!!!! Repectfully, Garrance
Posted by: garrance at December 8, 2007 04:24 PM