February 15, 2008
24 Blunders
The following takes place between 11:00 a.m. and 1:00 p.m.
11:13
I call Beatrix and arrange to meet her in the lobby by the fountain at 11:45. We are going to Camille's Cafe for lunch, and if you don't get there before noon, you don't get a table.
11:35
Lady Boss calls me. She sounds like a man, due to an upper-respitory infection. She tells me that our department head has forbid her to come into the building and spread her germs. Thanks be to God. However, she needs to pick up the 120 pages I printed off for her to proofread. Fine. I can leave the documents at the front desk for her to pick up. Oh, and? Her work friend, Sabrina, who also lives in Lady's Boss' building, asked Lady Boss to pick up her lunch for her. (????) Can I go get it from Maria Lopez on the 8th floor and leave it with the documents? Fine. Whatever.
11:37
I call Maria Lopez and explain, to her voicemail, that I am looking for Sabrina's lunch, which I have to leave at the front desk for Lady Boss.
11:38
I call Beatrix and explain, to her voicemail, that I have to do one quick thing for Lady Boss, and then I'll call her and we can go.
11:42
I call Maria Lopez again, but she persists in being away from her desk. I don't leave another message.
11:43
I call Lady Boss and tell her that I can't find Maria Lopez. She says she'll call Sabrina.
11:45
Lady Boss calls back and says that Sabrina says that Maria Lopez is up on the 11th floor. I'm assuming that Maria Lopez is a secretary and is up on the conference floor in order to meet the caterer, who will bring lunch for some meeting, and with it will be Sabrina's lunch.
11:46
I make Smokey come with me to the 11th floor to find Sabrina's lunch, since I don't know Maria Lopez or anyone on the 11th floor, and I don't want to be arrested for lunch snatching.
11:47
On the 11th floor, we run into Chris from our department, who is waiting for a caterer to bring lunch for a meeting. A different meeting. Not the Maria Lopez meeting. I ask her if Maria Lopez is on that floor, and she says that Maria is IN a meeting. NOT waiting for the caterer. Shit.
11:49
Smokey and I stand outside the meeting room where Maria Lopez is, allegedly. We decide that there is no way we are interrupting the meeting to ask about Sabrina's lunch. We look in the little window and see a small table with some fruit on it but can't discern whether it is lunch-fruit or leftover morning-break-fruit. There is no other food on the entire 11th floor. We discuss whether or not they might already be done with lunch, since it's ten to noon, and lunch usually isn't served until noon. She tells me that, if she were me, she would just call Sabrina and tell her to make a fucking sandwich, but for some reason, I find the whole thing hilariously funny, like a madcap sitcom full of hijinx. Smokey makes sure not to stand too close to me in the elevator. The doors open, and there's Mr. Furley. Clearly, there's been some sort of misunderstanding with Jack.
11:54
I call Lady Boss, explain the situation and ask her what she wants me to do. She says that she'll call Sabrina, and I can hunt for the lunch again when I get back from my lunch.
11:56
I call Maria Lopez and leave a message saying that, if Sabrina's lunch turns up, to please put it somewhere safe and leave me a message with clues as to where it is. Preferrably in the form of some sort of word puzzle. No math.
11:57
I go down to the lobby as fast as the elevator will take me.
11:59
Beatrix is not there. I call her on her cell, and she is up on my floor looking for me. Lou Costello rounds the corner and barrells into me, knocking me over and sending all my packages flying. He also knocks over a fruit cart, then lands on a cat.
12:02
Beatrix and I go have a lovely lunch at Camille's Cafe. We even get a table.
1:05
I arrive back at my desk to find a styrofoam container full of Chinese food. It's labeled Sabrina. As if I might mistake it for someone else's lunch. Or a gift from friendly gnomes.
1:06
I call Lady Boss and tell her that Sabrina's lunch has magically appeared. She says she'll pick everything up at 1:45 at the front desk.
1:07
I decide to wait until 1:40 to bring the food down, so the poor guy at the front desk doesn't have to smell Chinese food for 40 minutes.
1:30
I decide that Lady Boss would probably like to enjoy the roses from her boyfriend over the weekend, so I empty the water from the vase. I rummage around in her desk and find a canvas tote. I also see an open bag of Starburst and make a mental note for later. I wedge both Chinese food and vase of flowers into the tote.
1:38
I realize I'm cutting it close enough and take the tote down to the front desk. I find that two other people have also left packages there for Lady Boss, in addition to my original stack of documents. Front Desk Guy is decidedly unamused. I leave the tote anyway.
1:58
Maria Lopez calls to tell me that Sabrina's food is missing. Not even bothering to conceal my laughter, I tell her that everything is fine and Sabrina's food has already been picked up by Lady Boss. I hang up and wonder who put the Chinese food on my desk. It was probably Curly.