February 08, 2008
A Sampling of the Instructions I've Left for the Dog Sitter
Make the dogs sit and stay while you put their food in their bowls. Daisy will drool little droplets while you do this, so make sure Stella isn't sitting under her.
Dogs go out after they eat because that's often when they poop.
Don't bother letting them out right before you feed them because they won't do anything.
When the dogs go outside, you have to go with them to make sure Stella doesn't eat Daisy's poop. Seriously.
If you don't want them begging while you eat or licking your feet while you put your socks on, they know the command, "Other room!" This means, "Be anywhere that I am not!"
You can have sex anywhere in the house, EXCEPT on our $1,000 Amish quilt.
Eat and drink anything you want. Don't bother looking for chocolate because there isn't any. But there's plenty of beer.
Don't have the basement t.v. and the dining room light on at the same time or it will blow a fuse.
The erotica is in the middle drawer of my nightstand. Don't judge me -- most of it is Heather's.
The lightswitch for the patio light is in the linen closet. I don't know why.
If you need any help or anything goes wrong, call my parents. They are four blocks away and have nothing to do anyway.
Don't run through the hallway while playing one of your little sex games because there's no rug-grip under the new runner, and you will slip and kill yourself.
If the dogs die or eat the couch, I will not hold you personally responsible. However, if you soil the quilt, I will kill you and eat your soul.
[I wonder where Elle lives? I'd sure like to stop off on our way up north for my 7 martinis! Well, it is morning -- maybe I'll just have 3 or 4. And she can put the rest in a to-go thermos.]
Comments
My dog is trained to sit before we will let her eat, she drools so much during this that it is not uncommon to have strings of slobber still connected to her jowls while pooled on the floor. She likes to eat the frozen cat poos, so cannot go out alone. Elle lives in Boise, ID, with said bulldog. I'd still buy you all 7 martinis though.
Posted by: elle at February 8, 2008 06:05 PM
This was just a SAMPLING?! I want to be your neighbor...
Posted by: Celestial at February 13, 2008 06:07 PM