March 07, 2008
Impending Placenta-Fest of Doom
After months of dread, the object of my dismay finally arrived in the mail yesterday. A baby shower invitation. And even worse? I'm not already busy that day.
Dear Christ, but I hate baby showers.
I mean, my sisters' showers weren't bad because a.) I had something to gain personally from them, i.e. a niece or nephew to whom I could teach bad habits, and b.) I had a hand in picking the menus.
What is with baby shower food? Here are the five main ingredients of baby shower food:
1. Chicken salad.
2. Ham salad.
3. Egg salad.
4. Cucumbers.
5. Cream cheese.
It's like they're feeding us bland, pureed food as if we were the babies!
And if keeping down your lunch wasn't hard enough, what with it all being in pre-chewed form -- someone always has to start in with the birth stories. The longer and bloodier, the better. And as much as I don't want to hear about your episiotomy, I'm sure the first-time-mother-to-be is even more horrified. Find other ways to bond, ladies! I'm trying to choke down a sandwich over here!
And as long as I'm bitching, they'd better not make me participate in any baby-themed games.
One time, they had taken the labels off a dozen jars of baby food, and we had to guess what they were strictly going by color. It was a real eye-opener. That's the day I learned that Spam is not technically considered a baby food.
But nothing was more crass than The Diaper Game. That's when the hostess melts different candy bars in diapers, and you have to guess which candy bars they are. No, I'm totally serious -- I've actually played this game. With other adults. Sober.
Well, at least the father-to-be says that the restaurant the shower is at has good margaritas. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's his sole motivation for attending. That, and all the placenta talk, of course.
Comments
You are so getting an invitation for my baby shower.
Posted by: Kelly Garrett at March 7, 2008 12:34 PM
I've never heard of the Diaper Game. GROSS!
Thankfully the last baby shower I went to was at an Italian restaurant and I had a lovely lasagne and a big ol' chocolate sundae for dessert. Best of all NO GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Snippy Bitch at March 7, 2008 01:15 PM
I want to know if kelly garret is serving Tang and Egg Salad at his shower!!!!??????????? Garrance
Posted by: garrance at March 7, 2008 05:30 PM
Do you need me to knit the adorable baby hat and anti-scratch mitts as a present to redeem you? I can tell you will not be able to hold in that acrimonious attitude (nor should you) if you do have to play baby games!
Posted by: sue at March 8, 2008 07:17 PM
When I RSVP I always ask about stupid shower games. If they say yes, there will be games, I tell them I won't come just because of that. And I'm always deathly serious about it, because those games are the stupidest things on the planet. When they resolutely stick by their dumb-ass games, I just mail an extra nice gift and spend that day doing something awesome!!
Posted by: elle at March 9, 2008 02:54 PM