March 03, 2008
"The Girls Who Are Going Home So Don't Get Attached To Them"
Of course, this isn't the real name of the first episode of this season's "America's Next Top Model," but it'll do.
Wednesday is the third episode, so I figured I'd better get around to doing the first two, right? Geez, I only have one page of notes -- it's not like it's hard.
Thirty-five broke-down, trashy morons are on a school bus. Marvita is back this season, having left her "crazy past" behind her. We'll see, Marvita. We'll see.
Jay and Miss J make their grand entrance and send the girls to a locker room to put on their uniforms. And yes, I'm takin' 'bout Naughty Catholic School Girl uniforms. Thank you, Tyra! Then they get their "photo I.D.s" taken.
Well, all the usual suspects are here. There's Miss Ivy League who feels that her education will give her an "edge up" in the competition. Too bad she's not smart enough to know that it doesn't take brains to be a model.
And we have our geeky "punk artist," who sounds way too much like first season winner Adrienne for my comfort. God, blow your nose or something!
Allison feels she is the "silent predator," and we can only hope she stays silent. Token person from a different country -- Fatima from Somalia. And Kim rounds out the pack as a dumb blonde.
In the classroom, Miss J is there for Runway 101, where the girls have to walk... *gasp* with BACKPACKS! Oh, the horror!
Next we meet Claire, who is a mom and wife. And we all know how I feel about these broads who leave their babies for three months, trying to break into a career that will take them away from home for the majority of the year, and then claim they are "doing it for my child," so let's move on.
Is Anya from Russia? What's up with that funky accent? Or is it a speech impediment?
The girls are taken to the football field, where this is a bonfire surrounded by ex-ANTM-contestant cheerleaders. There's Furonda, the twins, Jael and Joanie.
The Js announce that they will all be going to New York City, but first! They have to pick a Homecoming Queen. And the girls are stupid enough to believe that it'll be one of them. Keep dreaming, ladies! There's only room for one Queen on this show, and it ain't one of you.
It's TYRA!!! The girls go ape-shit when Tyra appears in a yellow prom dress and tiara. Her acceptance speech includes, "I'm sorry I slept with all your boyfriends." It's actually pretty funny.
Then it's time for the one-on-one interviews. Mohammad Ali's niece is there, of whom Miss J says, "I see a model, but then she opens her mouth, and I want to die." Amy is "positively coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs."
Meanwhile, backstage, Fatima endears herself to all by calling all the black girls "ghetto." I believe we've found this season's Black Girl Who Everyone Hates. Shaya (I think that's her name) goes off on her and ends with, "You're dead in my book."
Stacy got married when she as 17, and not because she was preggers. She gives Jay a lap dance.
And then we find out why Fatima is such a bitch -- as a girl, she was circumcised in a horrible "traditional ritual." Well. Okay then. I guess I'd be pretty bitter and hostile, too.
Shaya, to whom Fatima was dead only moments ago, is the one to start the pro-Fatima group hug. It's actually really sweet. And then Marvita kills the moment by asking Fatima if she feels like less of a woman. The rest of the pack goes nuts on Marvita.
We discover that Jena's dream is to own a tricked-out Impala. Dream big, Jena. And in a moment that can only be described at T.M.I., we find out that Claire is pumping her breast milk. Dear God, she left a nursing baby behind.
The girls get their "report cards" and find out who passed and who failed. The passers get their "senior class photo" taken. They have to do their own hair and make-up, and in a tube top, will get a fur stole to work with.
From those photos, they pick the 13 finalists: Allison the Silent Predator, Fatima, Katrazanya or some such silly name, Kimberly the Dumb Blonde with the smooshed in pug-face, Stacy of lap dance fame, Amy and Aimee, Claire the Baby Abandoner, Whitney the token plus-size model, Marvita, Lauren the Punk Artist, Tatalia and Anya.
But Tyra is easily confused and says they can't have two Amys, so Aimee changes her name to Amis. "Because it's in the Bible." Really? I thought it was Amos.
And then in an unprecedented move, Tyra also says that 13 is an unlucky number, so they're taking one more girl -- Dominique the Drag Queen.
Although I did watch the second episode of "America's Next Top Model" last Wednesday, I was far too feverish to take any notes, so I'll just tell you what I remember. Which isn't much.
The girls go to their new house in NYC, and the sleeping arrangements leave much to be desired. One room is full of bunk beds, like an army barracks. The other one is just... one big bed. Huh.
Fatima rears her ugly head again, and Mother Marvita takes it upon herself to have a heart-to-heart with her. Fatima tries to chalk her shitty behavior up to I've-been-hurt-blah-blah-blah, and Marvita shares her own story of being hurt and getting over it. The two bond, and I am suddenly a big fan of Marvita.
At judging, Dumb Blonde Kimberly pulls an unbelievable move. She says that she doesn't believe in high fashion and $2,000 dresses, so she'd just rather go home. The judges are clearly pissed, and I don't blame them.
What did she think? She would only be modeling for Wal-Mart and Old Navy? What a selfish little bitch! All those other girls who wanted to compete and wear $2,000 dresses and didn't get a chance because Miss Wal-Mart got chosen, and then she bails the first week!
I think all the girls who didn't make it to the final 13 should take up a class action suit against that retard.
Um, who went home? They sent someone else home, too... who was it? Oh, I think it was Stacy the lap dancer. Pretty, but no one's home.
Next episode: Wenchie will actually be coherent enough to write a real recap!
Comments
"I see a model, but then she opens her mouth, and I want to die."
I LOVE THIS!!!!
isn't this pretty much what we feel about most models? honestly?
Posted by: heather at March 3, 2008 12:21 PM
Tyra is my hero. Go Inglewood!
Posted by: Kelly Garrett at March 3, 2008 01:38 PM