March 10, 2008
"Top Model Makeovers"
I don't think that's the real name of the lastest episode of "America's Next Top Model," but I couldn't find the real name. Anyone? Don't they usually start with "The Girl Who..." or aren't they doing that this season?
Previously, fourteen girls go to NYC, do a runway show in Times Square, meet Paulia Porizkova and do a shoot as homeless people. Oh, Tyra's so sensitive! Italia went home, not Stacey, as I had previously said. And I don't even remember there being an Italia, so it's just as well.
Right out of the gate, Dom talks about how awesome she is and confesses to being a diva. Hate her.
Someone plays ding-dong-ditch on the girls, leaving them ugly, white purses, with Apple Bottoms swag inside. God, that never happens to me! Probably because I have more of a melon bottom. Sweet, round and ripe -- yeah, bay-bee!
Eighteen-year-old Allison wants to kill all the other girls. Well, I'm sure the feeling is mutual, sweetheart. Now shutthefuckup.
Fatima makes some comment about Allison's ass being bigger than hers, which is AWESOME, and Allison responds, well... like a dramatic 18-yr. old, saying, "That's a nice thing to say to someone with anorexia," and storming out of the room.
And oddly, my heart does not go out to Allison for her affliction. Weird.
The girls get a 5:00 a.m. call... to Wal-Mart. Oh, my God, I'd be so pissed if someone got me outta bed before 4:00 a.m. to go to Wal-Mart. Brent and Molly are there from Cover Girl. Turns out, it's a 5:00 a.m. Cover Girl challenge and casting. The winner of ANTM gets a big-ass Wal-Mart Cover Girl display. I would hang my head in shame.
The girls have 5 minutes to create a fresh, natural look with CG slop. Lauren and Fatima forget to use color; Whitney looks awesome, Allison is wearing too much (hee!); but it's Claire who wins! And as much as I hate Baby-Leavers, I find myself silently rooting for her. I'm so conflicted!
Oh, then Claire goes and really tests my budding love for her by telling the other girls that she and Dom want to win more than the other girls because they're doing it for their babies. Vomit.
Oh, sweet Jesus! Allison brought BARBIES with her! Is my hatred for her misplaced after all? One is black and one is white, and holy racist, she pads the black Barbie's pants with Kleenex to make her butt bigger, and then she makes the black Barbie say, "I wanna take it in back because I'm black!"
Holy shit! That is one ignorant bitch! It is so on between Allison and Fatima!
But not right now because they get Tyra Mail. Something something "curl up and dye." MAKEOVERS! My favorite!
Damn, Tyra's dress is boobylicious. Too bad Husband isn't here to see it. Steven Knoll will be doing the girls' hair, and I can't believe I've actually heard of him. Tyra tortures the girls by telling them that they're not going to know what's happening to their heads until it's done. Hee!
Anya goes platinum blonde -- eyebrows included -- and I just don't think that's a good look on anyone. (Plus, she has a troll-face in this photo.)
Whitney goes blonde and is a total kitten. (Although this photo doesn't really do her justice.)
Aimee is now a redhead with bangs and looks hot. I'm coveting her hair.
Marvita looks less like Chris Rock with her "horse mane" extensions.
Lauren gets a strawberry blonde weave and looks much less like a retard -- pretty, even. Now if only they'd remove her vocal chords...
Katarzyna gets really dark hair. Not much of a change. They probably don't want to invest too much time and money in her because they know she's too Maxim to win.
Claire looks better than I ever thought a woman could in a platinum blonde buzz cut. Seriously. (Sorry, Anya!) I know she's a Baby-Leaver, but I am kind of loving her.
Fatima looses the Bozo hair and looks like a bonafide, cell-phone-throwing supermodel, including the angst and crying during the procedure. But she still can't have sex.
Allison got some highlights or something. But she's still a total bitch.
Dom's hair really looks like shit. They really screwed her. She looks like a Lutheran Church Basement Lady/Soccer Mom/Poor Drag Queen.
Stacey's to-die-for cheekbones are now The Cheekbones That Ate New York, with her buzz cut. But she's still a dingbat.
Amis gets a blonde weave, but she's still a total horseface, and I have no idea what she's doing on this show.
Tyra Mail! Something about "The Body." Isn't that Giselle Somebody's nickname? Nope, turns out it's Elle McPherson. Oh, she's so adorable. And she's pimping her new line of Elle McPherson Intimates! Fun!
The girls pose in Elle's skivvies on a boat with the NY skyline as their backdrop.
Okay, I am officially loving Claire and Marvita. I can't help it!
They put poor Whitney the fat girl in a corset and bubble skirt, which is horrible. Don't cover her up! Put her in some boy cut shorts and let her work it!
Lauren is horribly awkward, to the shock and awe of exactly no one.
Allison blah-blahs about how she has so much more experience than the other girls, and then proceeds to underwhelm Jay with her posing. Love it.
Dom is terrible, and Jay calls her "catalogue" half a dozen times.
Elle tells the girls they are all awesome and thanks them for helping promote her "bras and knickers." Only when she says it, it sounds like "knickahs." Oh, she's just the cutest thing!
Judging!
Marv looks fierce, people. And I know I sound retarded saying "fierce," but she really does. The judges love her photo, and they say she looks like a panther.
Claire shows up to Panel in over-the-knee socks and a pleated skirt, cementing my undying devotion. Baby be damned! She's got the cocked eyebrow going on in her photo. *swoon*
(Seriously, Heather, I can't believe you don't watch this show.)
Fatima looks like Iman, according to the judges. Whatev.
Kat looks like a "Russian mail order bride." Hee!
Dom looks old.
The judges tell Allison that she looks soft and pretty, and after a pause, Nigel brings it to everyone's attention that "Thank you" might have been an appropriate response. That Nigel -- such a stickler. But Allison doesn't get the hint even when delivered with a trebuchet. She just winks at him. Idiot. One of them even says, "The lights are on, but no one's home," right to her face.
Deliberations!
The photographer confesses that he thought Dom was one of the model's mom. Ouch!
Nigel says that Anya's accent sounds like a Jamaican on sleep medication.
Allison is just hands-down conceited.
Tyra comes forward and has photos for: Lauren, Marvita, Aimee, Claire, Stacey, Fatima, Anya, Whitney, Kat and Amis, leaving Dom and Allison in the bottom two. HA!
At this point, I'm thinking Dom is going home because Allison is clearly the prettier girl. But Allison forgot Top Model Rule #7, which is -- Don't offend Nigel.
Allison goes home! YAY! And she's clearly unsettled because she thought she was so much better than the other girls, what with all her "experience" and all. I guess selling handjobs next to the dumpster behind Chili's isn't the kind of experience Tyra is looking for. Too bad!
Oh, and something random -- when Tyra gives Dom her photo, she says something about Dom staying and getting the hair color Tyra wanted her to have. Hmmm...
Next episode: Fatima and Amis get on Miss J's last nerve. Dear God, please, let there be hair-pulling!
Comments
Anya totally had the worse make-over. Those eyebrows are killing me. My favorite is Claire! Loved her from the start! Love her new hair! She rocks. And why doesn't Heather watch ANTM? All the cool kids do!
Posted by: Billi at March 10, 2008 11:17 AM
Lutheran Church Basement Lady? Wow - is this based on anyone I know???? How snippy of you ... bitch! hehee!
Posted by: Snippy Bitch at March 10, 2008 12:38 PM
I thought the whole Wal-Mart thing was horrid! Tyra did show she had some class at the end by getting rid of Allison, though. Most judges would have kept her around since conflict = ratings!
Posted by: Kelly Garrett at March 10, 2008 02:25 PM