March 24, 2008
"Top Model Takes It To the Streets"
Oh, my darlings, I have failed you! I didn't watch "America's Next Top Model" two weeks ago! And I can't recap what I haven't seen, so I have left you swimming in a dark sea of confusion, lost and alone!
So, yeah, missed it. Sorry. But from the Previouslies, I learned that the girls did some designer runway show, a photo shoot in a meat packing plant (so bummed I missed that!), and Amis went home. Probably because of the terrible Xanadu-esque headband she wore to Panel. Stupid girl.
Fatima was in the bottom two with Amis, which she finds shocking, but the rest of us don't. She resolves to practice.
Marvita, in context of nothing, says that she can't stay with anyone and doesn't believe in "happy hand-holding" because she was raped and molested.
Claire thinks that Marvita is a crazy hood-rat. Now, Claire, I love you, but if you diss Marv, your stock is going to take a hit. So stop it. Play nice.
Whitney offers someone (Fatima, I think?) some banana bread, to which the someone replies, "Why, so I can be fat like you?" RUDE! And dudes, Whitney is hardly "fat" -- she's just not replacing meals with laxatives and cigarettes.
Whitney says that she doesn't believe in the word "fat," and she was called second in panel last time, so she's not worried about her size. Then she muses, "Maybe she meant phat -- P.H.A.T...?"
Tyra Mail! Something about The Three Cs.
Eeek! Oh, it's only Benny Ninja. Dude looks like Templeton the rat. He scares the shit outta me. Benny is joined by Vendela, a Swedish/Norwegian supermodel/actress. Apparently, The Three Cs are Catalogue, Commercial and Couture, and Benny and Venny are there to teach them.
There's lots of ridiculous posing. Benny tells Whitney that she looks like Anna Nicole Smith. And I disagree -- Whitney looks like she's only been dead for a few days. A week tops.
Back at the ranch, Dom didn't remember what phone time she signed up for, which she blamed on Whitney, adding that her phone time is more important than Whitney's because she has a child. (A child that she left for thirteen weeks. I'm just sayin'.)
So it's on between Dom and Whit. Dom keeps trying to say that it's Whitney's responsibility to tell Dom when it's her turn on the phone, but the rest of the girls are like, "Well, we didn't need to be reminded when it was our turn."
Dom stands her pathetic ground and tells Whit that she has no respect for other people, which is probably true but beside the point, in this case. Whitney tells her, "I have no reason to respect you. You speak all the time out of your ass."
Then, as a final and desparate act, Dom throws out the race card. Wait -- is Dom not white? Or at least 75% white? Is Whitney a self-loathing white girl who is racist against caucasians? I'm confused.
Well, this gets Whit all in a tizzy. "You can call me a bitch, fine, but don't call me a racist! My best friend is black!"
I love that. Also? Besides the point. My best friends are Irish, but that doesn't mean I don't think all the hoopla about St. Patrick's Day is pretty retarded. Oooh, I'm a racist!
Oh my God. Why is Janice Dickinson doing Orbit gum commercials? Is her show not doing well? Janice, call me, we'll talk.
Back to the show, Dom and Whit are still at it, when Whitney randomly exclaims, "Where's the Saran Wrap?" Is that a racist joke? I don't get it.
Tyra Mail! Something about bringing it to the center. I don't know.
Benny and Venny meet the girls in Brooklyn, along with The Best Posers In the World. Or so they claim. The girls are going to be split into two teams and DUEL TO THE DEATH!!! Wait, no. They're just going to pose. The winners get a trip to The Swag Tent, and the number one poser gets an even more special surprise.
Oh my God! How badly do I want a trip to The Swag Tent?! Doesn't that sound like heaven?!
In the posing face-offs: Claire vs. Dom is a tie; Lauren vs. Marv, Lauren wins; Anya vs. Stacy, Stacy wins.
Fatima vs. Whitney. Whitney wins, despite the fact that Fatima was basically on top of her and, at one point, had her disfigured vag all up in Whitney's face. Ew. People, if Fatima is not shaving her pits... well, I won't go there.
Aimee vs. Kat, Kat wins, making Team B the winners. Marv confesses that she's totally freeloading off the rest of the team because she didn't bring in any points. Awwwww.
Claire is the winner of all the posers, and Benny and Venny call her amazing! YAY!
On to The Swag Tent! Sponsored by Backstate Creations, which is the company that does the gift bags for the Oscars and stuff. Because, ya know, celebrities need lots of expensive stuff for free. Fuckers.
And Claire gets to go to Bora Bora. At some undetermined point in time. Huh.
Fatima bitches some more about Marvita, calling her "ghetto" and "hood." As if the girl can help where she was brought up. Fatima is a stuck-up bitch.
Hey, it's Saleisha's Cover Girl commercial! Oh, thank God they changed her hair.
Back at ANTM, Marv is wondering if maybe she really is too ghetto for this competition. You guys, this totally sucks. The Man is keeping Marvie down, and in this case, The Man is bulemic wanna-be models. How sad is that? Don't listen to them, Marvilina!
Tyra Mail! Something about being naked in coats. Oh, please, God.
It's Jay! Seriously, why isn't Jay on Panel? He does all the damn work, while Tyra, Nigel and Miss J hang around Tyra's hotel suite and watch "Project Runway" and eat pot brownies.
The photo shoot is a close-up jewelry shoot where the girls will have paint splattered on them. Groovy. I hope they don't ruin the bling!
Marvita's soul has clearly been eaten by Fatima, so even Jay's big-sister-esque pep-talk can't help her. Fatima watches Marv with unconcealed disdain. It's all very sad, as is Marv's expression in her photos.
Ew. The girls actually get think, gooey paint poured on their heads. But they all seem to do really well. Except for Fatima, whom Jay accuses of over-thinking... and sucking. Welcome to Karmatown. Population: Fatima.
Jay also comments that Marv is a disaster, and it seems like she has already checked out.
Panel! Vendela is there, and Tyra introduces her as a supermodel from Scandinavia. SCANDINAVIA IS NOT A COUNTRY! Jesus H. Rosemaling Christ, can't you just say she's from Norway or whatever??? The panel checks out the girls' photos, oblivious to my rage.
Dom is "softer" and "more subtle" than they've seen her before. But she still looks like a dude.
Anya "needs more in her eyes." I assume they're talking about fierceness and not paint.
Kat has "great eyes" and looks "sophisticated."
Fatima doesn't shave her armpits, and it's the shot heard 'round the world, ladies and gentlemen. But other than that, she looks "fantastic." Nigel gives her some good advice: photo touch-ups are expensive; razors are cheap. Hee!
Lauren looks "gorgeous," but I still want to beat her up for being so retarded. She apologizes for coming to Panel in gym shoes, but someone stole her heels. I think it's interesting that she accuses the girls of being theives and doesn't assume that maybe her slobby self just lost them. Tyra is convinced that, because they are a size 10, some drag queen stole them. Heather?
Whitney is "not taking the competition seriously," according to Vendela.
Claire needs about "an inch more neck," but what she lacks in neck, she makes up for in "power." Claire, I will so babysit your kid.
Marvita seems "defeated." Her photo looks "sad," but "at least there's some emotion there." She looks like an "orphan modeling." Poor thing. She's so going home. Tyra hates a quitter, Marvita!
Stacy's lips are much loved, but Jay said she seemed lost during the shoot.
Aimee's skin is "insanely beautiful," but she's a "chameleon," which is a bad thing because it means she doesn't have her own look. Judging from this photo, I think her look is Psycho Chick Who Just Survived A Particularly Vicious Sneeze.
Deliberations! But first -- commercials. And Claire is the Cover Girl pick of the week for the fourth week running! YAY!
What the hell is on Miss J's eyebrows? Is that white glitter? He's so fucking retarded sometimes.
Dom is "almost getting it," but Anya's is "not good" close up. Kat is "losing her Wow factor." Fatima is "old enough to know better" than to be an unshaven model. Whitney just "does not have what it takes."
Damn, the judges really took their crabby pills that day.
Claire looks "confident;" Marvita, on the other hand, seems "uncomfortable" and is "giving up." Aimee can be "20 different people" but has "no self." Stacy is "improving," while they compare Lauren to "Young Frankenstein."
Okay, that's a low blow. "Young Frankenstein" is my favorite movie ever, and every frame is a work of art. Do NOT compare it with Lauren of the gawky gawkiness. Ugh.
A decision has been made, and the girls are called in the following order: Stacy, Dom, Claire (okay, how did those two get called before Claire of the Amazing Amazingness?), Anya, Lauren, Aimee, Kat, Fatima.
Marvita and Whitney are in the bottom two for related reasons. Neither of them seem to be wholly invested in the competition. But Whitney gets her photo, and poor, sweet, ghetto Marv is sent packing. Dudes, that's just not right.
Okay, I just re-read this recap, and I don't understand where the models "Take It To the Streets."
Also? For awesome black Barbie sex a la Allison (who was the first to get booted), go here! Glam! I haz it! I am immediately going to iTunes to download this song. Thanks, Heather!
Next episode: The girls have to pose with pain, and the entire house gangs up to reem out Dom. YAY!
Comments
have you read this?: http://dlisted.com/node/24810
poor Jay
Posted by: lolly at March 26, 2008 11:52 AM
I watched a few weeks ago and there was a girl from Wisconsin who made it and boy was she a beotch! Thankfully she got eliminated and hey, a Wisconsinite who wasn't a tubby on tv - yeah us.
Posted by: Hope at March 26, 2008 04:30 PM