April 23, 2008
Cyborg Etiquette Lesson
Okay, Friday was the WORST day. So bad that it wasn't even made better by the fact that my lavender nail polish perfectly matched my sweater.
First, there was the earthquake.
Then, I got a headache.
And then, my next Netflix movie was supposed to arrive Friday, and it didn't.
Why does everything bad always happen to me?
Another example -- I was at the movies with Marty on Friday. Now mind you, it was 1:00 in the afternoon, so at first, he and I were the only ones in the theatre. So we sat right in the middle by the railing and put our feet up.
Then two old ladies came in, and out of ALL THE HUGE THEATRE-FULL OF SEATS, they sat right fucking behind us. AND? It gets better. I started hearing this weird mechanical noise, like... a valve or something. Like a release valve, rhythmically hissing or closing or whatever.
And I'm like, "Do you hear that? What the hell is that? Is that an air tank? An iron lung? A colostomy bag? What the hell IS that???"
Yes, I said it out loud. What? She's old! She couldn't hear me! And certainly not over the din of her mechanical heart!
And of COURSE the woman being kept alive by only a machine was making gutteral, humming noises on top of it.
Does she not know the rules? If you are a cyborg, hooked up to a machine, then you must aware of the fact that it CONSTANTLY makes noise. Therefore, it is the cyborg's responsibility to make sure that his or her steam engine isn't annoying the rest of the non-cyborg population. Which means NOT sitting right on fucking top of the only other people in a movie theatre! That's how society works!
So I got up to go to the bathroom, and I told Marty, "When I get back, be sitting somewhere away from the cyborg."
And I'm sure you think I'm a terrible person for getting mad at the "mechanically challenged," or whatever they want to be called nowadays, but c'mon. If she's well enough to go to the movies, she's doing alright and doesn't need my sympathy.
Damn cyborgs. Next thing you know, they'll be wanting the right to get married and adopt children.
Comments
And your friend Vicki thinks I'm a horrible monster.
Posted by: Uncle Twitchy at April 24, 2008 08:42 AM
There's a guy at my church who has some sort of mechanical regulator and it makes me crazy to sit by him. I mean, I know he needs it and all, but does he need to sit behind me every week?
Posted by: sue at April 30, 2008 10:29 AM