April 08, 2008
Heartburn II: Son of Heartburn
The steady decline of old age is picking up its pace in my 38-year old body. Despite having started a work-out regimin three weeks ago, and despite my constant stuggle to cut down on sugar in my diet, my body continues to morph into that of my father's. (Dear God, is he going to be 75 this summer?!)
I did inherit some nice things from my father. My pretty hair, my tall stature. But I also got his hyper-active sweat glands, his uncooperative knees and -- most recently -- his uneasy stomach.
My father drinks Mylanta straight from the bottle. He's a Mylantaholic. Welcome to my future.
If you'll recall, three years ago, that son-of-a-bitch Cupid shot me with the heartburn arrow for Valentine's Day. I had heartburn so bad, it warranted a trip to the E.R. And those of you who think I was a wussy for going, clearly you don't know the pain of hot, liquid magma under your ribs.
Well, this weekend was a repeat of that pain. And why the hell does it always happen at night? I swear to God, I have never barfed or had to ingest stomach remedies during daylight hours. My digestive system has no respect for the amount of beauty sleep I require.
I went to bed with mildly unhappy stomach. I assumed it was because of all the garlic in the P.F. Chang's I had for lunch. At 1:30, I woke up thinking an alien was about to burst out of my chest.
At 3:00, I woke up Husband.
PW: Honey? Can you do me a favor?
H: Hmpf.
PW: Can you go to Walgreens for me?
H: Nnts.
PW: I have heartburn so bad I think I'm gonna die.
H: What did you eat?
PW: Nothing out of the ordinary.
H: Did you have garlic?
PW: You leave the garlic out of this! I have garlic every day, and it's never done this to me before!
H: Did you have some Tums?
PW: Yes. Before I went to bed. It didn't do anything.
H: Take some more. Take, like, four.
PW: Tums ain't touchin' this pain! Go to the 24-hour Walgreens and ask the pharmacist what he recommends!
H: What time is it?
PW: Three o'clock.
H: Oh, for Pete's sake.
PW: It's either Walgreens or the E.R. You decide.
H: Fine!
That was 3:00 a.m. Saturday morning. But in truth, the rumblings of torture had started Friday afternoon. By Saturday afternoon, after many ineffective Mylanta/Maalox cocktails, I was seriously considering the E.R. again.
Then I made the mistake of going on WebMD.com. I started by looking up heartburn, which led to ulcers and gall bladder, and by the time I was done, I was convinced I had stomach cancer. Again.
I finally resolved that, since our new insurance sucks, I would wait until Sunday morning. If I was still percolating battery acid then, I would go to the E.R.
For dinner that evening, Husband and Younger Step Daughter ordered pizza. How cruel is that?! My stomach was barely tolerating club crackers, and those bastards ordered a succulent, pepperoni pizza from Perry's.
Well, my stomach was going to destroy me from the inside out no matter what I ate, right? I might as well enjoy it! Knowing I would pay with my life later, I indulged in a couple pieces and savored them as a convict savors his last meal. Pure, primal pleasure, tainted with the knowledge of one's impending death.
But, you guys... I didn't die. I didn't percolate. Nothing burst out of my chest. In fact, the more I ate, the better I felt.
Daring not to believe my luck, I waited ten minutes between each piece. I figured the non-pain was probaby the calm before the storm.
But it wasn't.
Perry's Pizza Cures Terminal Heartburn.
It's the only logical explanation.
Comments
Three Words: little. purple. AWESOMENESS.
OTC Prilosec, baby. Seriously. (sadly, it's not purple any more since it's otc. who knew that purple dye was that expensive?)
Posted by: elle at April 8, 2008 09:57 AM
Oh, how NS would be pleased. With your medical discovery, he could put the makers of Prilosec and Zantac out of business. Maybe Imodium can be his next conquest...
Posted by: WG at April 8, 2008 10:25 AM
I suffered from HORRIBLE heartburn a few years ago. Nothing I did helped - no matter how many Tums I ate, which was a lot. I knew I had to go to the doctor when I was being woken up in the dead of night....CHOKING IN MY OWN STOMACH ACID. Pretty right?
So my doctor wrote me an rx for Prilosec OTC - it's expensive in the store but now I get it with my $5 copay. Maybe give it a try and see if it calms things down a bit.
Oh, and my gallbladder up and freaked out a year ago and I had to have emergency surgery to have it taken out - it quelled the acid for several months, didn't need any Prilosec or Tums. Now it's back a tiny bit because I eat like crap. But when I take the meds, they work perfectly!
Good luck with that.
Posted by: Hope at April 8, 2008 12:31 PM
As long as your heartburn doesn't turn into acid reflux... I have an acquaintance who is currently in the hospital geting treated for esophogeal cancer due to acid reflux. :-(
Posted by: some_other_dave at April 8, 2008 05:28 PM