April 04, 2008
"If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere"
Previously on "America's Next Top Stanky Sperm Recepticle," Dom is at odds with everyone on the planet, the girls represent music genres, and Aimee goes home, where no one remembers who she is.
In the jumbo-taxi, Whitney muses that she thinks America is ready for a plus-sized top model. Meanwhile, Dom is all, "Whitney won't win. I intimidate her. Blah blah I'm so strong."
It's the same sad tune we've heard from ALL the cripplingly insecure girls on this show. When, oh when is Mama Tyra gonna make her break down and cry ugly, snotty tears of self-loathing?
By the way, Husband and I now refer to Dominique as Dominick. You watch -- she's gonna whip out a schlong any minute now.
Last week, Claire was on the chopping block, which freaked her out. And when Tyra called her name, instead of sweetly hugging the loser Aimee, she's all "YES!!!" It seemed in poor taste. Even Lauren calls it "disrespectful," and she's the anarchy poster child.
Tyra Mail! The clue is the title of this episode -- don't make me type it again. The girls brilliantly discern that it has something to do with Broadway, so Miss J tosses them each a Milkbone.
And then! What later came to be known as The Great Coffee Incident.
Apparently, Fatima made some coffee and then left the kitchen. Lauren finds the pot, amid the array of discarded dishes, and since it has barely any coffee in it, assumes it's just another dirty dish. So she dumps it out, washes it and makes some fresh coffee.
Note: Why didn't Fatima just make a WHOLE pot of coffee? For the house? Selfish twat.
Enter Fatima, looking for her coffee. She accuses Lauren of vindictively making herself a pot of coffee, and Lauren TOTALLY looses her shit at Fatima in the Scorching Coffee Tirade of Death. Every other word is bleeped out. It's pretty impressive, considering she hasn't even begun to ingest her caffiene for the day.
Model Kristy Hinze and Elite Models' Karen Lee send the girls on go-sees. I don't even know why Hinze is there. She adds nothing to the segment.
The girls are issued Sprint GPS phones, since real models can't afford cabs when they're starting out, and the girls are going to walk to all their go-sees. Wait -- models who can't afford a cab can afford a Sprint GPS phone? Exhibit A for How Far Removed Tyra Is From Reality.
Team 1 is Claire, Whitney, Stacy and Dom. Team 2 is Anya, Lauren, Kat and Fatima. Claire leads her team, and Anya gets her team lost.
Whitney is scared that, as a size 10, she's not what these designers are going to be looking for.
Dom models a gown and does her runway walk for one of the designers, then comes back out in her street clothes, lavishly patting herself on the back. LITERALLY. With the designer standing right behind her. It's so tacky and childish.
The same designer says that she doesn't use size 10s on the runway -- only size 2s. Dom says, quite hopefully, that she thinks Whitney is breaking down. I'm sorry -- who is intimidated by whom here, Dom? I'm afraid I'm confused.
Whit says that the go-sees are unfair because she would be working for a whole different group of designers than the rest of the girls, and she's right. But then there's another designer, Shoshanna, who says that she wants "all different sizes and body types" for her runway shows. YAY!
Fatima is "too small," as a size 0. Claire's big personality monopolizes the go-see. And Whitney doffs her bra to wear an ugly dress. Husband whistles at the t.v. Fatima says that Lauren is "dragging them down." (The team, not Whitney's boobs.)
Okay, this go-see episode is pretty lame because the girls are on teams instead of relying on themselves and getting lost and being late and crying.
One designer wants "fun and animated" models for her runway. She says of Lauren, "She's very pretty, but... HORSE WALK!" Seriously.
The results are in. Team 1 has great walks and personalities, but no presentation. Team 2 lacks personality and good runway skills. Team 1 wins a spread in the June issue of Seventeen magazine. I may have to pick that up. Or at least thumb through it while at Walgreens.
Stacy booked the most shows of all the girls. Yay, Stacy Ann! She's growing on me. She's dumb as a box of hair, but she's adorable and very sweet, and this season is severely lacking in sweetness.
Tyra Mail! Something about "best foot forward" and "washed out."
The girls arrive at the shoot and see Jay on a conveyer belt runway. It's... some weird... "movement as art" thing. And at the end, he breaks through a wall of boxes. I don't know. It's totally gay. Some group called Fuerza Sabruta, I believe? I don't know. I Googled them and can't find them, so clearly, I've misspelled it. Or else they are a bunch of nobodies that Tyra is trying to pretend are edgey and fierce.
Appropo of nothing, the girls will be wearing gowns, lying in a puddle of water,... on a sheet of Saran Wrap,... being photographed from beneath. Who thinks this shit up? This isn't about selling a product. This is about "raw movements and shapes." *sigh*
Claire wants to dive in... to a 2-inch pool of water. Jay warns her that she doesn't have to, but she does anyway. And hurts her head and neck. What an idiot. She leaves the Saran Wrap to get her shit together, so Dom goes first instead. Dom says she would "never be that stupid." Her poses rock Jay's world. Back on the Wrap, Claire's poses are slow and stilted, her legs are dead. Dammit.
Lauren looses a contact in the pool of water... which now has the germs of Claire and Dom floating in it. Ew. Jay remarks that, even tho' Lauren is awkward, she never looks awkward at shoots... until now. Anya is beautiful.
Kat gets a haircut on set. She cries because she's had long hair all her life. It's about chin-length now. In the puddle, after some coaching from Jay, she turns into "a graceful goddess."
Whitney says she's nervous about being a chubby girl walking on a sheet of Saran Wrap. Hee! But Jay says that she's "not afraid" during her shoot. Stacy, on the other hand, only gets off one good shot. Jay loves Fatima. Guess she shaved.
Tyra Mail! Judging! Lauren is worried, and Dom thinks she knows who is going home. Well, I'm sure Dom wishes she knows who is going home.
Claire's body looks really good in her photo, but her face looks bad. Miss J makes some joke about getting the bug off his windshield.
Stacy was the challenge winner, but she really struggled in her shoot, and it shows in her photo.
When Kat steps forward with her new 'do, Paula remarks that her "weird Eastern European tackiness is now gone." *cricket* *cricket* Everyone has a holy-shit-did-she-just-say-that look on their face. The rest of the judges recover nicely by saying that Kat is beautiful and "looks like a dancer."
Whitney's photo evokes the comments "sonogram," "full-figured fetus," "alive" and "first breath." Tyra says that she was blown away by Whit's film. Husband does his happy-dance.
Tyra is taken aback by Dom's tacky outfit. She's wearing a tunic, but her leggings are too sheer, so she just looks like an aged, $25 prostitute. Also, her hair at panel, says Tyra, is very there's-something-about-Mary-hair-gel. She looks like she just got up from a nap. But there is "pain and orgasm" in her face in the photo.
Lauren looks dead. It's her weakest photo to date.
Fatima is "so perfect" -- that hand, that neck, oh my!
Anya "finally found the light" with her face and got a fierce photo.
Deliberations! And Kat is the Cover Girl of the Week!
Claire is a "one note" model. Stacy has a square jaw but is very bookable, as proved on the go-sees.
They don't know who Kat is because she doesn't have much of a personality. Oh, I hate it when they pull this crap. She's quiet! It's not a personality deficiency!
Whitney is a great model. Dom is crazy.
Nigel bristles at the mere mention of Fatima, and Paula calls him out on just hating her. Yeah? So?
Anya looks like a "nymph elf" with a "head of fire." O... kaaaaaaay. Lauren looks slightly "less Frankensteinish" this week. Ouch.
Tyra stands up and calls: Fatima, Anya, Kat, Whitney, Stacy and Dominick, leaving Lauren and Claire in the bottom two. Dude! That's so not right! How does beautiful Claire get in the bottom two while Dom isn't stoned to death by villagers with torches???
Apparently, Tyra's bullshit reasoning is that Claire isn't diverse enough, and Lauren is the same ol' awkward Lauren. Husband predicts that Claire is going home, and I hit him. Tyra calls Lauren, and a tiny part of my soul dies.
Claire is way bummed because she "failed." She's especially upset because she had started so strong. And she feels guilty for leaving her husband and baby "and dog" and not winning. I don't know why, but that's funny.
And now a word from today's guest blogger -- BILLI!
I CANNOT BELEIVE THAT CLAIRE IS GONE!!!!! Those stupid judges!!!! I hate them!!!!!!! That other moron who was in the bottom two really really should have gone. She can't WALK!!! She has no personality, except for when she's swearing! Stupid, stupid choice. I hate them. And that fuckin' bitch from Africa. Good Lord, do I hate her. And Dominique.... I don't even have words for my hatred for her. I don't even know who I like now! The blonde with the blonde eyebrows is just too damn ugly. I guess I like the chick who's hair they cut again and the plus size girl. Stupid judges.
Ah, no one can pour on the hate like Billi. God bless her little heart.
Next episode: Fatima has legal trouble. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say she's an illegal immigrant. Lauren "cuts off her finger," which means she probably needs a couple stitches.
Comments
Next week: Lauren has a break through and starts to get it together, Dominique and Stacy Ann are in the bottom 2 and Dominique is out. (So I hope)
Posted by: Kelly Garrett at April 4, 2008 06:42 PM
So who thought giving Lauren a knife would be a good idea? Maybe someone did it as sabotage because if you can't walk...don't handle a knife. And I'm a first rate klutz myself - I can see a kindred spirit in Lauren. No knives allowed!
I kind of hope INS shows up and hauls Fatima off kicking and screaming. Maybe she'll hide the closet like Elian.
Posted by: Hope at April 7, 2008 01:40 PM