April 18, 2008
Stalking & Counter-Stalking
Oh my God, you guys, I am so busted.
So you know how my chiropractor is hott. Well, we have this weird symbiotic relationship that has now expanded beyond chiropracty. Beyond accupuncture. Beyond sending my friends to him (more on that in a moment).
No, we're not having sex. But he is now, apparently, my nutritionist. AND. He has put me on a core-strengthening exercise routine. As a result, I am barely stalking him these days. He's lucky he's hott.
See, he does this bike marathon across Iowa every summer. And no, not cool Harley bikes. Like, bicycle bikes. Wait -- in my Happy Place, picturing him in bike shorts...
**shudder**
Okay, I'm back.
So he's currently "in training" for this Most Gay of Sports, including a strict no-sugar diet. It's psychotic. I tried it for a day and then poured a chocolate chip cookie dough Blizzard(tm) all over my body and licked it off myself. It wasn't pretty.
The other day at my appointment, walking behind him to Room 4, I noticed that he's lost so much weight that he's cinching his pants to the point that they are gathering in the back and look weird.
Naturally, I felt compelled to tell him, "Dude, you've lost too much weight. You need to buy new pants."
He just looked back over his shoulder at me and laughed. Which is when I realized... he totally busted me checking out his ass.
GoDDaMMiT!!! Like he needs anymore ego-stroking from his female patients. I'm so disgusted with myself.
His little co-ed assistant just looked at me contemptuously and said, "Nice." [Translation: You idiot. Now he's going to be absolutely intolerable for the rest of the day.]
As soon as he left the room, I texted my faux pas to Sue, who ridiculed me, as she should. We always text each other from Dr. Hottie's office. We are totally co-stalking him. She thinks that I recommended him because I'm concerned about her chronic wrist pain, but really, I just wanted to make sure that he's thinking about me when I'm not there.
Last week, I met Garrance and Snippy Bitch at Starbuck's for an hour before my appointment with Dr. Hottie because his office is right across the street. (Ain't unemployment a bitch?) I accidently ordered a Venti instead of a Grande because their stupid-ass names for sizes are so random and meaningless, which means that I ordered a large instead of a medium. By the time I saw Dr. Hottie, I was vibrating with caffiene, and he was very disappointed that I was "stressing my liver."
On Thursday, I met Garrance, Snippy Bitch and Sue at Starbuck's before seeing Dr. Hottie. Sue didn't start work until noon that day, so she had an appointment half an hour before mine.
Moments after she left Starbuck's, I got a text from her: "He is already yelling about your caffiene habit."
Mind you, my "habit" is exactly one caffienated beverage per week. But I LOOOOOOOOOOVE that he was talking about me!!!
Two minutes later, I felt a presence behind me, and I looked up to see one of Dr. Hottie's little co-ed assistants, who said, "I'm supposed to confiscate your coffee."
"Too late! I already finished it! And you tell him that I can't believe he sent you to do his dirty work!"
You guys? He's stalking me! Gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Comments
Awesome! That's some good stalk.
Posted by: Vicki at April 18, 2008 12:49 PM
Six degrees of separation? My neighbor, the dentist who lives in IDAHO, does that bike race every summer. I CANNOT fathom just exactly why anyone would ride their bike across Iowa, let alone go all the way to Iowa to ride their bike across it. I guess I get it if you already live there....what else is there to do, right?
Posted by: elle at April 18, 2008 02:02 PM