April 30, 2008
"The Girl Who Marks Her Territory"
Ew. Nice title. Although -- having watched this particular group of girls for many weeks now -- not very difficult to imagine.
Anyhoo, this recap will not drone on and on like they usually do because I was at Sue's and too busy making catty remarks to her to put much down on paper. Also? There was pizza. Bacon and tomato pizza. And chocolate cake.
Unfortunately, she's not as free with the boob-showing as Heather is, so the evening was just shy of perfect.
Previously, on "America's Next Top Model," the universe collectively lost interest in seeing any of these girls succeed at anything ever. Dominick, Anya, Fatima, Whitney, Kat and Lauren jetted off to Rome.
Dom is looking forward to going to the museums in Rome because they "preserve their old stuff." How appropo. Anya prepares to finally set foot in Rome... and proceeds to fall out of the van. Awesome. Whitney's obsessed with her size and can't stop talking about it. As if we were going to forget that she's the only one with boobies!
Tyra Mail! Oh, Lord. Now Tyra fancies herself the likeness of the Mona Lisa. Save us all. Around the corner is the girls' new home, under the flag of Rome. Well, I hope that's the name of the building they'll be staying in because these sharpies couldn't pick the flag of Rome out of a two-flag line-up with the other flag had the golden arches on it. Their house has fountains and art and a pool and a garden. I hate these bitches.
Fatima gets sick, and sensing her weakness, Dom immediately starts ripping on her. Hee! And then Anya interviews that people only do that kind of thing to "feel better about themselves." Double Hee!
Anya is sleeping in the same bed at Fatima, which is dumb because Fatima probably has some weird African flu that no one here has so we don't know how to treat it. Lauren is being way too loud, way too early. I hope she's making all that noise looking for her hairbrush. God, doesn't she ever brush her hair?
Mona Tyra Mail! Something about "roll," so Anya exclaims, "A river!" The other girls, who have apparently never cracked a book and read the cliche "rolling river," call her "so blonde."
In the piazza, some pimp named Claudio gives them all Segues to tool around Rome on. The see shops of famous designers (pretty much like right here on Michigan Ave.) and some totally staged "examples of Italian fashion."
Some "designer" named Gai Mattiolo is involved in some challenge where the girls have to get an Italian make-over and portray the best embodiment of Italian fashion. I don't know why they bother. Italians should only wear aprons. While cooking me food.
Fatima looks "elegant" but "not fresh." I don't know what they say about Kat. Anya looks "blonde, skinny and fresh." Are those critiques, or just observations? Whitney looks "so American." I'm sure that's an insult. Lauren: "nice legs, bad walk." Anya wins for looking the least American. Whitney is jealous.
Mona Tyra Mail! "Facile, brezza, bella, Cover Girl!" Lauren's all, "I'm so not a Cover Girl." Well, duh.
Here I wrote, "Lauren sleeping on Dom. Jay! Hair blue?" One can only guess.
The girls will be whoring Vibrant Hues Lip Color. And why are there pumpkins in the make-up room? Is it... wait, they don't have Halloween in Italy! What the hell is going on?
In the commercial, the girls must walk, use lipstick and speak Italian -- all at the same time!
Everyone laughs at Anya's attempt. I don't know -- that seems like of unprofessional to me. Kat speaks Italian well but is "dull and lifeless." Dom sounds like she's "speaking Chinese." Lauren is so "awkward" and "hard to watch" that the camera crew is dying laughing. Fatima has the best pronunciation, which is like being the best runner at the Special Olympics. Whitney is "fake" and "not believable."
Mona Tyra Mail! Judging! They look at each girl's commercial in turn.
Tyra tells Fatima that she looks like she's "selling sexual chocolate." I'm sure that means something in Tyra's world. Miss J says, "Chil', I'm scared." Because he doesn't like vaginas.
The other judges think that Whitney is "fake from beginning to end," but Tyra likes it. Which blows my mind because Tyra HATES the beauty queen thing.
Someone calls Anya "a piece of dookie." I think it's Tyra. God, she's just so... STOOOOOOO-PID! Tyra, not Anya. Well, yeah, Anya's commercial is lame, but at least she's a nice person.
Dom looks "hootchified." Hee!
Lauren recieves the well thought out critique, "Hell To The No," from Miss J. Written on a piece of paper. Are all the judges drunk?
Kat is "very Italian," "much better" and "being sexy."
Anya is Cover Girl of the week! Take that, Tyra! The people have spoken!
Deliberations.
Fatima can walk and talk at the same time. Let's elect her President! Of the world! Whitney is fake, fake, fake.
Anya IS already a model, they just can't understand her when she talks. Lauren takes good photos, but she's too damn nervous. And doesn't know how to brush her hair!!! GOD!
Kat does quite well, and in proving that she has a personality, was a total snot at Panel. Dom is no Cover Girl, but they enjoyed her commercial, despite the fact that Miss J insists, "She's a brothah."
Tyra calls the girls up for their photos: Fatima (whom she reprimands that there's no sex in a Cover Girl commercial), Kat, Anya and Dom (whom she calls a mess, but they had fun watching her commercial). Leaving Whitney and Lauren in the bottom two.
Whitney takes good photos, and her commercial wasn't horrifying, but the judges see a "phoneyness." (Which is the wrong spelling, I'm sure, but whatever.) Lauren takes strong photos, but she's dreadful on film, and it seems like she's given up.
Given up BRUSHING HER HAIR, that is!
Tyra calls Whitney and tells her she "better get real."
Lauren goes, and Sue says, "'Bye, Horsie!" I pee laughing on her leather couch. Thank God she has a dog and had some Nature's Miracle handy.
Next week: "Mama's in charge!" And a gladiator shoot. This can only be completely surreal. I'm so excited!
Comments
Dude, the only reason I'm not free-showing with the boobies is because they are not anywhere near noteworthy--who can compete with Heather? In your honor, however, tonight's viewing of ANTWT will be braless!
Posted by: sue at April 30, 2008 05:05 PM