April 10, 2008
"Top Model 10 Confidential"
I don't know where Tyra gets off calling it "confidential" when "America's Next Top Model" is being broadcast nationwide, but whatever. I don't understand her motives for lots of things.
This episode was billed as:
Never-before-seen footage of the cycle 10 contestants includes the women battling with posing instructor Benny Ninja, New York City firefighters practicing their runway struts, and contestant wrestling matches.
But it was only, like, 50% never-before-seen footage, tops. So I'm only gonna recap the stuff we haven't seen already. Don't blink.
At prep school, in the beginning, Jay leads a class called Expressions 101, where the girls have to make faces in their mirrors. I don't know why they included it. It's as boring as it sounds. Perhaps there is a minimum amount of time Jay has to be in each episode, according to his contract?
We all saw Stacy's lap dance that she performed for Tyra at auditions... in Jay's lap. But apparently, she sings, too. Or... not. She made up some song about ANTM that included the words "my fierce, fierce lips." Believe me, it sounds cooler than it really is.
Whitney confessed to being disappointed in ANTM's past plus-sized models for giving up. Wait -- did we see that before? I can't help but feel this is foreshadowing. The only question is: which bitch will be the one to beat Whitney down?
The girls have a bidet in their bathroom. Huh. Half of them don't know what it's for.
Remember dumb blonde Kim? She doesn't know how to make hot chocolate because her Mommy always made it for her. Amis and Fatima humor her, making them better people than me because I would have punched her in her pug face.
Paula Porzkova? Poriskova? Poritzkova? Whatever. She told Dom, "You look kind of like Robin Wright-Penn, but in a transvestite kind of way." Hee! I think Paula is almost as big of a bitch as Janice! I wish they'd give her more camera time.
Claire drinks her own breast milk, "for the nutrients." She's hoping to sell it for $50 a bottle. What Claire doesn't know is that there are sicko fetishist men out there who would consider that a bargain.
Does anyone remember Atalya?
Allison eats A-I sauce on Jello. Marvita (miss her!!!) calls her, "Hellacrazy." But I can't help thinking that might be kind of good. That salty, tangy on the sweet Jello. Now I'm craving a peanut butter and Dorito sammich.
Dom wants "to be Mother Theresa but in a diva kind of way." Does she even know what that means? Maybe she doesn't know who Mother Theresa is.
Amis breaks three lamps... okay, what the hell is wrong with her? Who goes into a fabulous house that SOMEONE ELSE PAID FOR and breaks shit? No one is that clumsy, okay? That girl was raised by wolves. In a barn.
Marvita apparently walks around naked all the time. Well, honestly, if I had her body, you'd have to put clothes on me by force, while I kicked and screamed. But Stacy says, "Do I have to see all that all the time?" Apparently, Stacy is not comfortable with The Va-Jay-Jay. Hers probably has sand in it.
Then, Miss J makes an entrance coming down a fireman's pole at a fire station because the girls are going to practice their runway walks and get judged by firemen. And I'm thinking there would be some sexual tension in a situation like that, but Miss J just sucks all the heterosexuality out of the room. As proof positive of just that, the firemen show off their runway walks. [Insert awkward, reaching "flaming" joke here.]
Marvita apparently gives great massages. To all the girls in the house. Huh.
Remember the posing show-down with Benny Ninja and his posse of circus freaks? Well, after the girls' Battle of the Posers, the girls and the freaks just started throwing down with the posing. [We SO have to do this at the next Movie Night!]
Anya takes pictures of the other girls, ordering them around in her weird-ass Hawaiin accent.
Marv took a pink guitar from the Swag Tent, remember? Well, it was an odd choice, considering she can't play. But that doesn't stop her from making up songs well after everyone else has gone to bed!
Whitney bakes muffins and stuff for the rest of the girls. Fatima's all gracious and "She's trying to make the rest of us fatter than her." Oh, lighten up and have a damn muffin, Fatima! You're just going to puke it up anyway!
The girls go to a nightclub and start drinking. Unfortunately, no one pukes. But Whitney is all judgemental of them dancing on the leather seats in their stiletto heels and humping each other. I love that she has a modicum of decorum.
Stacy, on the other hand, smuggles a bottle of vodka into the limo. Classyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Just like Heather at the movies!
Seven girls are left: awkward Lauren, sexy Kat, poised Whitney, lovely Stacy, strong Dominick, ethereal Anya and indomitable Fatima.
Please allow me to translate Tyra-speak into English: un-sexy Lauren, Maxim cover Kat, stuck-up Whitney, going-home-next Stacy, tranny Dominick, way-out-there Anya and bitch Fatima.
I wonder what word Tyra would use to describe me?
Comments
After seeing Claire drink her own breast milk, I'm glad she is gone!
Posted by: Kelly Garrett at April 10, 2008 03:15 PM