May 30, 2008
My Run-In With the Law
When one is delivering fourteen lunches all over town, one tends to... bend the laws of traffic. U-turns are a staple. As is turning without signaling. "Oh, shit, that's the street!"
Parking, too, brings out my creative side. Take yesterday, for example. I normally just park on whatever side of the street that the house I'm delivering to is on, regardless of whether or not I'm facing the proper direction.
But that option was unavailable at Millie Peterson's house in Oak Park. There was NO parking, and the street was very narrow, so I didn't want to double-park. Mind you, I wasn't concerned about my fellow drivers and the flow of traffic; I just didn't want to get side-swiped.
So I parked on the incorrect side of the street, in front of a driveway. And as I got out of the car and went to open the door to the back seat to retrieve a hot lunch, a cop car slowed and pulled partway into a driveway across the street.
Shit, I thought. He's gonna wanna give me a ticket for parking here. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. Maybe if I look like I think what I'm doing is okay, I'll be able to fool HIM into thinking it is, too. Uh oh. He's coming over. Dammit! He can't ticket me! I'm delivering lunches to white-haired old ladies! I'm practically a saint! He's interferring with the work of God! Shit, shit, shit.
I turned around, lunch in hand, and the cop approached me. He had on the RayBans and bullet-proof vest. Add to that the Ron-Jeremy-porno-moustache, and he was the epitomy of a Chicago cop. I was dead.
He gave me the two-fingered flick that is the international sign for C'mere, pal. I prayed that my saintly mission -- and low-cut t-shirt -- would be enough to dissuade him from his evil mission.
"Millie Peterson?" he said, pointing to the metal dish I was carrying.
I nodded.
"That's my Mom! I'll take it in to her. Thanks!"
I handed over the meal, and Officer Peterson walked away, without a glance at my felonious parking job. I assume. I don't really know -- his sunglasses were really dark.
Needless to say, I jumped back into my car and skeedaddled outta there! Jumping Jack Jeebus, that two-fingered flick is scary! So seemingly innocuous, yet sooooooo ominous.
But don't be thinking that Wenchie has learned her lesson. No, the encounter has only served to make me more bold! I AM INVINCABLE!!! Mwah ha haaaaaaaaaa!
Posted at 07:08 AM | Comments (5)May 28, 2008
Haikus for a Busy Week
graduation brunch
how much bacon for fifteen?
where do I seat them?
lunch deliveries
"south of austin" means nothing
if you've lost austin
temp job expanding
three days a week through July
this always happens
put out fires all day
came home and slammed a blue moon
do i need a.a.?
my fans are leaving
too much work, not enough blog
come back, my minions!
t.m.i. alert
popcorn plus booze plus sliders
equals bad poopies
May 21, 2008
Great Name for a Horror Movie
I have recently started seeing a dermatologist. No, not dating seeing. Seeing on a professional basis. And no, he's not hot.
Jesus, why do I have to qualify everything with you people?! It's like you don't trust me!
See, I have rosacea, as do many Scandihoovian types of my age. Those of you who know me may be wondering what the hell I'm talking about, as my skin looks damn fabulously perfect.
I'm going to tell you a little secret. It helps to have an Older Step Daughter who works at Sephora. I wear high-quality make-up. Lots of it, expertly applied. I won't leave the house without the full-on masque.
But as fun as it is being a Product Whore, I really wish I could go back to The Days of Yore, when I would just throw on some mascara and lip gloss and look radiant. My skin was like a frosting of marzipan.
I finally got tired enough of the extra 10 minutes in my morning routine to ask my G.P. for a recommendation. His own kids have found relief at this place, so I'd say that speaks well for Clear Complexions.
My first appointment went really well. The doctor talked to me for half an hour about symptoms and flare-ups and every little thing under -- and including -- the sun that could possibly have an effect on my skin. Who the hell gets that kind of attention from a doctor anymore?! I don't even get that much foreplay from my gyne! And the dermatologist let me keep my clothes on!
So he put me on a regemin of different anti-inflamatories, which, in theory, will all work together to make my skin regain its former amazingness. And he told me to make an appointment with his receptionist for a facial.
A FACIAL?!?!
"It's a medical facial, so your insurance will cover it."
A FACIAL COVERED BY MY INSURANCE?!?!
Holy cucumber slices! It's like some great spa-related insurance scam handed down by God Himself! Next He's going to make it rain twenties, and a burning bush will tell me to go buy myself something pretty!
My heart sang as I made the appointment. I counted the days until my face would be primped and pampered, massaged and moistened.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
My dear little muffins, I have but one word to describe my medical facial.
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! I want my mommyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Oh, sure, they fool you with the steam machine, and the glycolic acid treatment. And then they sugar-coat the next step with the word "extraction."
People. Extraction is squeezing the blackheads and whiteheads from your skin! Nevermind how disgusting it is -- it fucking HURTS!!!
When Husband asked how the facial was, I said, "You know how I sneak up on you and squeeze a zit on your back, and you scream like a girl?"
"Y--no."
"It's like that."
"Ow."
"Times a hundred. All over your face."
"Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaach!!!"
"That's the scream."
My skin is as smooth today as the day I emerged, flailing and sticky, from my mother's womb. But it's not. Worth. The pain. Of...
The ExtractionsPosted at 09:05 PM | Comments (5)
May 19, 2008
Prescription: Lawsuit
Because he is the rock star of all doctors, Dr. Hottie is simultaneously fixing my forearm, helping me strengthen my core, and trying to figure out my gastro and roseacea issues. In this vein, he gave me a little survey to take about overall intestinal health.
Samples:
Circle the number that best describes the intensity of your symptoms with 0 being none and 3 being severe.
Bloating, belching and flatulence immediately after meals.
Itching around the rectum.
Undigested food in stool.
Chronic candida infections.
So you see my problem.
Dr.: Did you bring the digestive assessment I gave you?
PW: No.
Dr.: Why not?
PW: I've decided I'm not doing it.
Dr.: What?!
PW: Dude, you know my rule. I don't discuss internal distress with cute guys.
Dr.: Right. So just... do it and bring me the numeric scores for each section.
PW: Seriously? I don't have to give details?
Dr.: Not really.
PW: THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME THAT OPTION IN THE FIRST PLACE?! I wrestled with this for days! Jerk.
Then he showed me the next level of core-strengthening exercies.
Dr.: Okay, first, I want you on your hands and knees.
PW: Ohhhhhhhh, I've waited so long to hear you say those words to me.
That's right. Bringing inappropriate behavior to a professional setting since 1969.
Posted at 12:39 PM | Comments (3)May 15, 2008
"And the Winner Is..."
This finale of "America's Next Top Model" brought to you by Sue, who TiVoed it for me because I had Movie Night at my house Wednesday night and couldn't watch or tape the episode when it aired.
Previously... well, if you don't know, don't even bother reading this. The remaining three are Whitney, Fatima and Anya.
Or as Tyra would say, effervescent and ethereal Anya, full-figured and amazing Whitney, and strong Fatima who missed a photo shoot.
Anya is excited and believes in herself. After growing up in a shack with no running water, Fatima wants the world to see her as beautiful. (Boy, you'd think, living like that, she would have turned out less... superficial.) Whitney has gotten really close with Anya and wants them to be the Final Two.
Mona Tyra Mail! The girls have to memorize their lines for a Cover Girl commercial. They are all grateful that it'll be in English this time, and so is all of Italy.
Jay greets them in front of the Colusseum. In addition to the Cover Girl mascara commercial, they'll also get a print ad will be will featured in WalMart and on a billboard in Time Square.
Oh, and Saleisha is there.
Anya is teary-eyed with nervousness, and Jay gives her a pep talk, telling her that she "has the look," so all she has to do is be herself. Awwwwwww, I love it when he's sweet. It's so rare.
Whitney tells Saleisha that she's the first plus-sized model to make it this far, and Sal starts to say something nice, but they are interrupted by the disturbing sight of Anya weeping. She doesn't want to fail and really wants to be in the Final Two.
In front of the camera, Jay gives Fatima directions to be conversational. But when she starts saying her lines, she's "just plowing through them." He then calls her "robotic" and "not human." HA!
Whitney is adorable, and Jay eats her up with a side of BBQ sauce. Anya's "wonderful energy" saves her goofy performance because she's so "relatable." And I think the word relatable was used 37 times in this episode.
Then it's time to shoot the will-be print ad. Whitney is fabu. Fatima thinks that she herself is relatable to lots of young women, probably because so many young women are East African refugees. Anya "models from her toes up."
Mona Tyra Mail! Judging! At Panel, Tyra calls them "the top three baddest chicks." It's so cute when Tyra tries to relate to the young people.
Paulina says that Whitney's commercial looks like a "Miss America competition" and she's going to "feed poor orphans" after she wins. But the others say that it's her best photo, and she looks "vintage" and "stellar." Tyra particularly likes that she looks like a model and not some actress that Cover Girl hired to pose. Hmmmm, issues much, Ty-Ty?
Nigel says that if Fatima was "selling toothpaste, she'd be fantastic." Paulina does a robot imitation of her. Tyra instructs her in the famous open-eye-squint that we see her do every season. By now, my dogs can "smile with their eyes."
I wanna hear Anya say "last blast" ten times fast with her weird-ass accent. Tyra says that the commercial is a trainwreck, but when she dissects it, it's the best one: honest, natural and charming. Paulina when accusses her of having "no personality" and looking "stupid."
You know, Paulina is almost as much of a bitch as Janice, but without the pizazz.
Deliberations!
This isn't Anya's best photo, and they think the competition is getting to her. Fatima wants it so badly that it has taken control of her mind. Whitney is amazing, but they feel that she's covering something up.
Nigel will be shooting the "Seventeen" cover that the winner will appear on.
The two finalists, who will walk in a Versace fashion show in gowns hand-picked for them by Donatella (the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?), are...
Anya is called, and Whitney and Fatima both start crying. Whitney is stunning, "but who is Whitney?" Fatima gives great face, but modeling is also about taking direction. Tyra calls WHITNEY because of her potential.
Fatima thanks Tyra, who tells her that she is "more than her story." Whatever that means. Fatima "feels new" and wants to start her life all over again.
Anya says that Whitney's fear and crying was beautiful. Whitney says that she grew up with mean girls and their backhanded compliments. "You're not really that fat..."
Nigel shoots the girls' cover shots for "Seventeen"'s July cover. It's all jeans and t-shirts and red, white and blue. We get an adorable montage.
The Versace fashion show is in a big church, where Jay is going for an Imperial Roman feel, with Saleisha and male "eye candy."
Whitney bemoans the fact that she has "been on the chopping block" four times, while Anya never has. Sutan reminds her that she's the "first juicy beauty" to make it this far.
The show starts, and Jay encourages them to "stomp it to the death." The judges make their entrace via the runway. Miss J is wearing, some sort of gold tiara that Roman women used to wear. Paulina is in leopard print. Tyra is... just friggin' HOTT. I'll bet she's wearing Versace.
Out of the gate, Anya is perfect, and there's only one word for Whitney -- BOO-YAH! Next pass, Whitney is wearing some hot pink gown that's short in the front and long in the back. It's very Barbie. Anya is in a silver gown with butt-cleavage and having trouble walking.
Panel! There's no guest judge. Not even Jay. Which is a travesty.
Seeing Anya on the runway, the judges are surprised that she wasn't as strong as they thought she'd be. Whitney delivered. "BAM!" Tyra had a flashback to... herself, of course. But Whitney didn't pose at the end of the runway.
As they look at the girls' portfolios, I can't help but notice that Paulina is wearing a tiara and a bun, which makes her look like an aged ballerina. Gag.
Deliberations!
Whitney: "Power," "energy," "alive," "presence," "ham," "juicy," "stuck." Juicy ham? Were they deliberating or ordering lunch?
Anya: "Weak," "fell apart," "good angles," "energy."
Anya is more interesting, but Whitney is prettier. Nigel says, "Whitney's the one you want to take to bed, but Anya is the one you'll buy a dress from."
The girls come back, and Tyra calls...
WHITNEY!
Holy shit! I can't believe it! I thought for sure Anya would win! I think it was planned all along because Tyra got tired of taking photos with the skinny bitches.
Anya says that she will have a good cry but she's so proud of herself.
Whitney says that she hated being judged as a kid, so she wants other women to "feel good about themselves and know that they don't have to starve."
And now, I'm going to have a ham sammich.
Posted at 05:02 PM | Comments (3)May 13, 2008
Cats and Wenches Always Land On Their Feet
GodDAMN, being unemployed is hard work! I have to do so much stuff just to justify my existance!
Like now? I'm delivering lunches to shut-ins.
(I'll wait for you to stop laughing.)
Twice a week.
(Okaaaaaaaaaay, get it all out of your system.)
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
(You know, you're not even really laughing now. You're just faking it to annoy me.)
I was going to be working for the guy I worked for in my most recent temp position. PART! TIME!
FROM! HOME!
FANTASY!!! JOB!!!
But -- due to circumstances that I can't write about here (YET!!!) because of a certain weepy, delusional backstabber -- I'm going to have to curtail my "official" business with the guy. At least for a while...
[And, yeah -- the second it's safe to do so, you are getting the Gossipy Blog Mini-Series of a LIFETIME!]
Aw, don't cry for me, my darlings! It is adorable when you care. But didn't you read the title? I popped right back into bigger and better things! Like a cockroach after a nuclear bomb. A singing, bejeweled cockroach.
I'm going back to work at the same company, but in a different capacity. On the top floor. Working at a desk mere feet from The Big Man Himself! God, it's just BRILLIANT! I'm like the star of my own fabulous movie! "The Princess Blog Posts!"
Oh, don't fret, my cuddly wittle wombats. It's only part-time. Three days a week. Well, one day this week. And then I go outta town for a long weekend. I RULE!
I hope my computer isn't facing The Big Man's office. That'd make it a lot harder to I.M. with my co-dependants.
Posted at 09:10 PM | Comments (4)May 09, 2008
"Ready for My Close-Up"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," fuzzy hair photo shoot, pussy gladiators, and Kat went home despite being prettier than all the other girls.
Hee! I wrote "pussy gladiators." And I totally meant pussy as an adjective, as in weak and lame, but as a noun, "Pussy Gladiators" sounds like the BEST! PORNO! EVER!
Oh, wait. They already made that. It's called "Xena Warrior Princess."
Okay, focus, Wenchie. You have a recap to write. Whitney, Dominick, Anya and Fatima are left. God help us all. Oh, how I miss Marvita. If Whitney goes home this time, I will cry. And Husband will lose his faith in God.
Whitney has been in the bottom two for two weeks in a row. She is totally stunned that she wasn't sent home last week. She knows she has to be more natural (or perhaps au natural?), but whatever happens, she's glad to be getting the word out about plus sized models. What word? Cheetos?
Anya's not stressing. She just wants to do her best. And world peace. And to bake a chocolate chip cookie for everyone in the world. Does she have a moustache? I think she does.
They come home to find photos of Saliesha plastered all over their house. That's creepy, people coming in and doing shit while they're not home. Also? What's the point?
Dom says that she's "the Saliesha of this competition." Whatev. Go tuck in your junk, tranny.
Fatima is surprised that Dom has made it this far in the competition, and for once, Fatima and I are on the same page. I hope that never happens again. It makes me feel dirty. Whitney agrees and says that Dom is always eating. Oh, PLEASE, God, let Dom have bulimia! I still have ANTM Blue Balls from the Elise-is-too-skinny plot that went nowhere.
Dom thinks she's the most improved, and all the judges agree in a series of flashbacks. Anya keeps winning challenges and is impressed with herself. Fatima wants to win one.
Mona Tyra Mail! Take a picture, you might last longer. Um... isn't that pretty much the whole point?
The girls are taken to a woodsy park, where Paulina is being photographed by some guy who is apparently a big-wig in the modeling world. He's going to teach them the fundamentals of photography so they have a better understanding of modeling. Don't forget to remove the lens cap, Anya!
The girls are given a camera and set loose to take photos of one another. Whitney enjoys seeing "what the other girls' weaknesses are." God, I love her. For some reason, Fatima calls Dom "disrespectful," which is a clear-cut case of The Pot and The Kettle.
For the challenge, the girls will photograph Paulina and will be judged on their photography skills. The winner gets 50 extra frames in the next shoot. Each girl gets 5 minutes to take a great photo.
Anya thinks that Fatima does really well. See? She's a nice girl. I'm surprised the rest of them haven't eaten her, yet. Paulina says of Fatima, "I felt like she was leading me by the hand, and I wanted to take the trip." Hmm. Paulina's been reading too many bodice-rippers.
Paulina wishes for more direction from Dom, who keeps saying, "Hot! Hot!" in a bad Austin Powers impression.
Whitney thinks that she explained her shots and communicated her vision well, and even Dom agrees. Paulina says that Whitney is fun and never hesitates.
Anya is all over the place. She has Paulina throwing leaves in the air and running and jumping and inspecting leaves. Anya totally has ADHD. Paulina kindly says that "Anya needs to narrow her focus a bit." Anya gives direction a la, "You're a fierce tiger!" Hee!
Critiques! Whit had a firm hand (oooooh!) and made sure Paulina had great light. Anya had crazy ideas, only some of which worked well. Fatima gave Paulina the most options. Dom's composition produced "lot of cactus hats" (i.e. Paulina standing in front of plants).
Fatima is the winner. Damn. Her first challenge win. Now she'll be impossible to live with.
Back at the house, Fatima is practicing her runway walk, while Dom tells the other two that Fatima doesn't have anything on her. Whitney and Anya roll their eyes.
Mona Tyra Mail! Something about out for blood, a taste of fame. From this, the girls deduce that they'll be posing with guys for the next shoot. Well, they're right, but I have no idea how they came to that conclusion.
The girls have a night shoot, and Jay explains the theme. The girls will be 50s-esque movie stars with their sexy male arm candy, running from the papparazzi. Nigel will be their photographer, and we are reminded that Fatima gets 50 extra frames.
Okay, why can't we see more of Sutan, the stylist? He's so awesome and funny. We need more of him. I'll be making t-shirts. MORE SUTAN!
Nigel tells them that they will be acting, not just posing. Fatima has never had a boyfriend so she "can't be sexy around guys." Or at all, really.
Jay wants Anya to be "effortless," but he had to distract her in order to get a good photo. Look, Anya, something shiney!
Fatima is glad she has 50 extra frames for her shoot. Jay says, "Yeah, she might need them." Fatima keeps looking away from the camera. She probably keeps forgetting that she does show up on film. And in mirrors, even!
Whitney's up next. Too posey, too posey, too posey. Jay rolls his eyes and tells her to interact with her man-candy. And then he says, "Oh, your booty looks great!" Which one of them was he talking to? Whitney confesses, "I don't feel like it was my best shoot. But I looked really pretty!" Awwwwwwww, sure you did, honey.
All Jay can say about Dom is that she took "a few steps back."
Then he says, "Y'all need to go back and bring the spirits back in. It didn't come to set today for anybody." Ooooh, seance! I'll get the candles!
Back at the ranch, Anya is bummed, and all the girls are stressed. It's pretty much up-for-grabs who could be going home. Even Dom is blissfully silent.
Panel! What is with Miss J's glitter eyebrows? Seriously. Did he burn his off in a home-perm accident or something?
Anya is in a mini skirt, and her legs are FABULOUSLY long! She looks like Madonna in her photo, what with the red lips, dark eyebrows and platinum hair. Who's that girl? Tyra thinks it's the best photo of her, but Nigel reminds them that it was an accident. Paulina adds that she's not focused but very fresh and energetic.
Whitney is "gorgeous but stiff." She found it hard to get into character. She wasn't acting, just modeling.
Dom is sporting another terrible outfit. Her photo is so tranny that there's an audible gasp from the panel when it comes on screen. Paulina says, "This is a transvestite. I'm sorry." I don't really think she's sorry.
Fatima looks too pretty, like a Cover Girl, but not like a surprised movie star.
The Cover Girl of the Week is Whitney! YAY!
Deliberations!
Anya lucked into her photo because she naturally "oozes glamour." Tyra says she has "eyes like a kitty cat." And I'm immediately transported to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman's scene with Vince Vaughn in "Wedding Crashers."
Fatima is so beautiful, but "the idea of the photo has escaped her." The Panel also doesn't like the way she talks over everyone and can't take criticism or direction. Nigel calls her "snooty." Said the Pot to the Kettle!
Whitney's photo is stunning. The guest judge from Seventeen says that Whitney has to "own her sexiness." Which goes against EVERYTHING the other judges have been telling her for two months.
For Dom, Miss J does his best tranny-voice and says, "Cover Girl covers up the man in you!"
Tyra calls... Anya and Whitney! WHOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That means the bitches are in the bottom two! This can only end for the betterment of humanity!
Tyra tells Fatima that she's there because she won 50 extra frames, and her photo still sucks. And? She doesn't listen. Dom's photo was "too strong," which is code for TRANNY.
The photo Tyra has left in her hand is Fatima's because I guess a snooty, stupid girl is better than a girl who isn't a girl at all. Fatima apologizes to Tyra and is totally freaked and crying. Let's hope she has learned a bit of humility.
Dom goes home all smiles talking about "an amazing opportunity" and "a blessing." Then she talks about herself in the third person and says, "Life goes on for Dom." Oh, how I hate that.
Next episode: FINALE!!! There's a high-stress Cover Girl mascara commercial for the final three, and a high-fashion runway show for the final two. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Posted at 04:12 PM | Comments (0)May 06, 2008
Psst! Look Over There!
We were at a wedding over the weekend. And by "we," I mean me, Husband, Snippy Bitch, Garrance, K, A, and my parents. I mean, there were others there, but who cares. This story isn't about them.
It was a small, intimate wedding, so the reception was in the fellowship hall of our church. My parents were sitting at the table next to the rest of us, with Spikette, her hubby and Nephew, who looked ADORABLE in his little shirt and tie!
In the middle of dinner, Mom stage-whispered, "Psst! Pass this to Wenchie!"
It was a note, and I thought maybe she wanted to know if I could come listen to records at her house after school. But when I opened it, it said this:
Look to your right to see the tattoos on the gal in red.
Oh my God! I LOVE it when my Mom is catty! It's hilarious because it doesn't happen very often. Especially at a formal event in a church!
Of course, K was like, "Secrets don't make friends!"
So I had to pass it around to the whole table. After which there was a flurry of obviousness -- the likes of which Mom was specifically trying to avoid with her discreet note -- as we all stared and speculated.
"What is that one above her boob?"
"Is it a sun?"
"A golf ball?"
"A pancreas?"
"Why would it be a pancreas?"
"I don't know! Don't you think it looks like a pancreas?"
And then we went and helped ourselves to cake because the people bringing it to the tables weren't fast enough for us.
Well, you know the saying: you can take the trash out of the trailer...
Posted at 06:37 AM | Comments (6)May 03, 2008
"We Are Spartans!"
Dude. The long-turned-to-ash bones of the 300 just collectively rolled over in their hastily-dug graves. C'mon. My mom is more of a Spartan than these biotches.
This is the description for this episode of "America's Next Top Model:"
The models train like gladiators for a challenge and the winner receives a shopping spree in Rome; and Tyra directs the photo shoot in a Roman castle.
Why do these losers get to live my ideal life while I have garage sales and deliver lunches to shut-ins?! It's not FAIR! Someone's going to have to dress-up like a gladiator with me and take pictures. I need more rich friends. I have no castle access. This sucks.
Fine, I'll quit bitching and do the damn recap.
But not before I show you this photo of Tyra, Jaslene and Claire. Doesn't it look like Claire could fit Jaslene's entire head in her mouth? And why is loser Claire allowed to hang around with Tyra and Jaslene? Shouldn't she be off breast-feeding her baby?
You know what's really fun? Go to The Superficial and do a search on Tyra Banks. There is a whole world of crazy there! And then do Janice Dickinson! INSANITY!
Okay, I'm recapping this time for reals.
Previously on ANTM, Fatima got sick, the girls sickened everyone with their Italian commercials, but Lauren made us the most sick and went home.
Whitney makes the excuse that she comes across fake because she's nervous.
Fatima, on the other hand, claims to be "a natural" and "improving," which "bothers the other girls." She also says that the judges were "dead on" when they said that Kat has no personality, and she adds that Kat "should be an accountant."
Suddenly, Whitney's fakeness doesn't seem so bad...
Mona Tyra Mail! Something about "fight with the masses so you can pose with the classes." No idea what that means. She should stop with the rhyming. Her normally inarticulate sentences make even less sense when she tries to be clever.
The girls go to some ancient ruins where there are gladiators battling. One is a female gladiator, and I suddenly feel dainty and willowy. Fatima is scared, but Whitney is like, "Awesome!" See? This is why I love her, fakeness and all.
The fighters are from the Gladiator School of Rome. Holy. Fucking. Shit. That is the coolest thing I have ever heard of! It's so cool, I've lost my mind and am putting prepositions at the end of sentences!
Dom says she hopes she gets to battle Whitney. And then she's all, "Kidding! I have nothing against her." Boy. Talk about fake.
The girls go change into their outfits, which I'm sure Miss J picked out for them. They're totally Red Sonia. (Which, by the way, there is a remake of in progress, and if there is a God, Milla Jojovich will play the title role.)
The girls faux-fight and learn some stuff. Jay is all, "Be strong! More attitude!" These are the wussiest girls ever. I've seen red-shirts on the original Star Trek show more moxie than these yabbos.
To the surprise of no one... except the girls, they will be doing a photo shoot RIGHT THEN! Doing fighting poses with a huge gladiator. Each girl only gets five shots.
Whitney is HOTT, holy crap. Dom quips that Whitney "looks like Xena's sidekick." Okay, first of all, I wish Gabrielle were here to hear Dom call her a "sidekick." She would so deliver the smackdown on Dom. Secondly, no. Whitney does not look like Gabrielle. Case closed.
Fatima is afraid of the gladiator guy because... this is an actual fight to the death in an uncontrolled environment with a real trained killer? Or something? She's wearing a metal breastplate, but it kind of loses its appeal when there's nothing to put in it. She keeps doing the same crappy pose over and over, and even when Jay warns her to do something different on her last frame, she doesn't. So she sucks.
Dom decides to stand out from the pack by... posing like a ballerina. It's the gayest thing I've ever seen. Even Jay is nonplussed.
And then Whitney coins the term "gladiatrix," cementing my undying love for her. Don't be jealous.
Anya does all the poses and moves she was taught by the gladiators, like a good, little girl. Kat looks "weak." Whitney does awesome and is "unafraid." Fatima forgets that the camera actually needs to see her body. Dom looks pretty (according to Jay, not me) but forgets about the action.
The girl with the best photo gets 1,000 euros (approx. $1,556) to go on a shopping spree in Rome. Whitney wins! YAY!!! Jay tells her she can go alone and use all the money herself, or she can bring a friend and share. So Whitney brings Anya! They're so cute! They come home with TONS of bags and even remembered to bring some sour grapes for the other girls.
Mona Tyra Mail! Something about "a thing of the past." They're going to experience Tyra's modeling career? No, they're going to pose in a 600 year old castle, but it's not like Camelot or anything. Looks like it could be pretty much any fancy house.
The vision for the shoot is "a modern interpretation of the Renaissance." I want the girls to spell Renaissance. That should be their challenge.
Tyra walks in with her camera and announces, "Mama's in charge!" God, I hate it when she calls herself Mama. It's so creepy. Can't she just collect dolls or adopt abandoned cats to fulfill that urge?
The girls are worried about impressing Tyra because they know that all the other judges on the Panel are just for show.
Kat goes first, and Tyra keeps telling her that she wants "exaggerated poses with elongated limbs." But Kat keeps doing "Walk Like an Egyptian." Way to impress, Kat!
The first thing Tyra tells Dom is, "Don't be Cruella DeVille." HA! You know, if that's Tyra's reaction right outta the gate, why the hell is Dom still in this competition? Dom does basically the same poses that Kat did, only Tyra loves it. Wait. Is Tyra sleeping with Dom?
Dom comes back to the holding pen from her shoot and is all about verbally patting herself on the back. The other girls ignore her and roll their eyes.
I notice that Tyra and Jay are in the same shot alot, critiquing the girls together. I don't think I've ever seen that before, so I assume it's to dispell the rumors that they are fighting and Jay might leave the show.
Fatima says, "So Dom can pose. Am I worried? Not at all." She does great and earns the compliment "prima ballerina" from Tyra. Anya, too, gives good poses and understands angles.
Mona Tyra Mail! Panel. One of these bitches is going home. Please, God, let it be Dominick or Fatima. Tyra welcomes them all into the room with "Bon soir!" Opps. Wrong country, Tyra. Sue says that Tyra is Pentecostal, and we need to pause the TiVo so I can stop laughing.
Anya is "100% Italian vogue." Her film is "stunning," and she doesn't need much direction.
Fatima is so "amazing" and "exquisite" that Paula is jealous of the photo.
Dom shows up to panel in an outfit that Tyra calls a "mall outfit" and "restaurant hostess." Hee! But they think her photo is amazing.
Kat is just "not punching through," and her eyes look "sleepy" because she's thinking instead of flirting with the camera. C'mon, Kat, you can't be a model and think! You should know this by now!
They had a hard time picking a good photo for Whitney because she needs to "loose the hootch." Her photos are all tits and ass and Maxim magazine. And the one where her body looks good, she's staring right into the light and looks demented.
Deliberations!
Anya is fabu and just getting better and better, but that baby-talk voice of hers is a real liability. Whitney is better in person that she is in photos, but at least she's interesting. Which is more than we can say for Dominick.
Dom has great bone structure and looks great in photos, but that's only because she's not smiling, so you can't see the deep, cavernous furrows around her mouth. In person, she looks like a life-long smoker.
Fatima's beauty is "in-friggin'-sane." Kat is using her brain too much and her eyes not enough. And I'll bet you my eBay earnings for April that's the first time she's been accused of that.
Chopping block time! "Mama" calls Fatima, Dom and Anya, leaving Whitney and Kat in the bottom two. Oh, no. NOT WHITNEY!!! Kat has the "coveted Eastern European features" but no personality. Whitney is gorgeous and stunning (and has made it much farther than any other plus-sized model, I might add), but she's kind of "stuck" in her photos.
Tyra calls WHITNEY! Kat blows kisses to the Panel and leaves without crying, making a nice I'm-not-going-to-stop-trying exit speech. Very classy.
Next episode: Dom's true colors come to light (they are smog and sallow), and Nigel takes photos of the girls. Oh, please, let Dom piss him off! I wanna see them scratching each others' eyes out!
I just thought of something. Spartans didn't live in Rome.
Posted at 07:10 PM | Comments (0)