May 09, 2008
"Ready for My Close-Up"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," fuzzy hair photo shoot, pussy gladiators, and Kat went home despite being prettier than all the other girls.
Hee! I wrote "pussy gladiators." And I totally meant pussy as an adjective, as in weak and lame, but as a noun, "Pussy Gladiators" sounds like the BEST! PORNO! EVER!
Oh, wait. They already made that. It's called "Xena Warrior Princess."
Okay, focus, Wenchie. You have a recap to write. Whitney, Dominick, Anya and Fatima are left. God help us all. Oh, how I miss Marvita. If Whitney goes home this time, I will cry. And Husband will lose his faith in God.
Whitney has been in the bottom two for two weeks in a row. She is totally stunned that she wasn't sent home last week. She knows she has to be more natural (or perhaps au natural?), but whatever happens, she's glad to be getting the word out about plus sized models. What word? Cheetos?
Anya's not stressing. She just wants to do her best. And world peace. And to bake a chocolate chip cookie for everyone in the world. Does she have a moustache? I think she does.
They come home to find photos of Saliesha plastered all over their house. That's creepy, people coming in and doing shit while they're not home. Also? What's the point?
Dom says that she's "the Saliesha of this competition." Whatev. Go tuck in your junk, tranny.
Fatima is surprised that Dom has made it this far in the competition, and for once, Fatima and I are on the same page. I hope that never happens again. It makes me feel dirty. Whitney agrees and says that Dom is always eating. Oh, PLEASE, God, let Dom have bulimia! I still have ANTM Blue Balls from the Elise-is-too-skinny plot that went nowhere.
Dom thinks she's the most improved, and all the judges agree in a series of flashbacks. Anya keeps winning challenges and is impressed with herself. Fatima wants to win one.
Mona Tyra Mail! Take a picture, you might last longer. Um... isn't that pretty much the whole point?
The girls are taken to a woodsy park, where Paulina is being photographed by some guy who is apparently a big-wig in the modeling world. He's going to teach them the fundamentals of photography so they have a better understanding of modeling. Don't forget to remove the lens cap, Anya!
The girls are given a camera and set loose to take photos of one another. Whitney enjoys seeing "what the other girls' weaknesses are." God, I love her. For some reason, Fatima calls Dom "disrespectful," which is a clear-cut case of The Pot and The Kettle.
For the challenge, the girls will photograph Paulina and will be judged on their photography skills. The winner gets 50 extra frames in the next shoot. Each girl gets 5 minutes to take a great photo.
Anya thinks that Fatima does really well. See? She's a nice girl. I'm surprised the rest of them haven't eaten her, yet. Paulina says of Fatima, "I felt like she was leading me by the hand, and I wanted to take the trip." Hmm. Paulina's been reading too many bodice-rippers.
Paulina wishes for more direction from Dom, who keeps saying, "Hot! Hot!" in a bad Austin Powers impression.
Whitney thinks that she explained her shots and communicated her vision well, and even Dom agrees. Paulina says that Whitney is fun and never hesitates.
Anya is all over the place. She has Paulina throwing leaves in the air and running and jumping and inspecting leaves. Anya totally has ADHD. Paulina kindly says that "Anya needs to narrow her focus a bit." Anya gives direction a la, "You're a fierce tiger!" Hee!
Critiques! Whit had a firm hand (oooooh!) and made sure Paulina had great light. Anya had crazy ideas, only some of which worked well. Fatima gave Paulina the most options. Dom's composition produced "lot of cactus hats" (i.e. Paulina standing in front of plants).
Fatima is the winner. Damn. Her first challenge win. Now she'll be impossible to live with.
Back at the house, Fatima is practicing her runway walk, while Dom tells the other two that Fatima doesn't have anything on her. Whitney and Anya roll their eyes.
Mona Tyra Mail! Something about out for blood, a taste of fame. From this, the girls deduce that they'll be posing with guys for the next shoot. Well, they're right, but I have no idea how they came to that conclusion.
The girls have a night shoot, and Jay explains the theme. The girls will be 50s-esque movie stars with their sexy male arm candy, running from the papparazzi. Nigel will be their photographer, and we are reminded that Fatima gets 50 extra frames.
Okay, why can't we see more of Sutan, the stylist? He's so awesome and funny. We need more of him. I'll be making t-shirts. MORE SUTAN!
Nigel tells them that they will be acting, not just posing. Fatima has never had a boyfriend so she "can't be sexy around guys." Or at all, really.
Jay wants Anya to be "effortless," but he had to distract her in order to get a good photo. Look, Anya, something shiney!
Fatima is glad she has 50 extra frames for her shoot. Jay says, "Yeah, she might need them." Fatima keeps looking away from the camera. She probably keeps forgetting that she does show up on film. And in mirrors, even!
Whitney's up next. Too posey, too posey, too posey. Jay rolls his eyes and tells her to interact with her man-candy. And then he says, "Oh, your booty looks great!" Which one of them was he talking to? Whitney confesses, "I don't feel like it was my best shoot. But I looked really pretty!" Awwwwwwww, sure you did, honey.
All Jay can say about Dom is that she took "a few steps back."
Then he says, "Y'all need to go back and bring the spirits back in. It didn't come to set today for anybody." Ooooh, seance! I'll get the candles!
Back at the ranch, Anya is bummed, and all the girls are stressed. It's pretty much up-for-grabs who could be going home. Even Dom is blissfully silent.
Panel! What is with Miss J's glitter eyebrows? Seriously. Did he burn his off in a home-perm accident or something?
Anya is in a mini skirt, and her legs are FABULOUSLY long! She looks like Madonna in her photo, what with the red lips, dark eyebrows and platinum hair. Who's that girl? Tyra thinks it's the best photo of her, but Nigel reminds them that it was an accident. Paulina adds that she's not focused but very fresh and energetic.
Whitney is "gorgeous but stiff." She found it hard to get into character. She wasn't acting, just modeling.
Dom is sporting another terrible outfit. Her photo is so tranny that there's an audible gasp from the panel when it comes on screen. Paulina says, "This is a transvestite. I'm sorry." I don't really think she's sorry.
Fatima looks too pretty, like a Cover Girl, but not like a surprised movie star.
The Cover Girl of the Week is Whitney! YAY!
Deliberations!
Anya lucked into her photo because she naturally "oozes glamour." Tyra says she has "eyes like a kitty cat." And I'm immediately transported to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman's scene with Vince Vaughn in "Wedding Crashers."
Fatima is so beautiful, but "the idea of the photo has escaped her." The Panel also doesn't like the way she talks over everyone and can't take criticism or direction. Nigel calls her "snooty." Said the Pot to the Kettle!
Whitney's photo is stunning. The guest judge from Seventeen says that Whitney has to "own her sexiness." Which goes against EVERYTHING the other judges have been telling her for two months.
For Dom, Miss J does his best tranny-voice and says, "Cover Girl covers up the man in you!"
Tyra calls... Anya and Whitney! WHOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That means the bitches are in the bottom two! This can only end for the betterment of humanity!
Tyra tells Fatima that she's there because she won 50 extra frames, and her photo still sucks. And? She doesn't listen. Dom's photo was "too strong," which is code for TRANNY.
The photo Tyra has left in her hand is Fatima's because I guess a snooty, stupid girl is better than a girl who isn't a girl at all. Fatima apologizes to Tyra and is totally freaked and crying. Let's hope she has learned a bit of humility.
Dom goes home all smiles talking about "an amazing opportunity" and "a blessing." Then she talks about herself in the third person and says, "Life goes on for Dom." Oh, how I hate that.
Next episode: FINALE!!! There's a high-stress Cover Girl mascara commercial for the final three, and a high-fashion runway show for the final two. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!