May 03, 2008
"We Are Spartans!"
Dude. The long-turned-to-ash bones of the 300 just collectively rolled over in their hastily-dug graves. C'mon. My mom is more of a Spartan than these biotches.
This is the description for this episode of "America's Next Top Model:"
The models train like gladiators for a challenge and the winner receives a shopping spree in Rome; and Tyra directs the photo shoot in a Roman castle.
Why do these losers get to live my ideal life while I have garage sales and deliver lunches to shut-ins?! It's not FAIR! Someone's going to have to dress-up like a gladiator with me and take pictures. I need more rich friends. I have no castle access. This sucks.
Fine, I'll quit bitching and do the damn recap.
But not before I show you this photo of Tyra, Jaslene and Claire. Doesn't it look like Claire could fit Jaslene's entire head in her mouth? And why is loser Claire allowed to hang around with Tyra and Jaslene? Shouldn't she be off breast-feeding her baby?
You know what's really fun? Go to The Superficial and do a search on Tyra Banks. There is a whole world of crazy there! And then do Janice Dickinson! INSANITY!
Okay, I'm recapping this time for reals.
Previously on ANTM, Fatima got sick, the girls sickened everyone with their Italian commercials, but Lauren made us the most sick and went home.
Whitney makes the excuse that she comes across fake because she's nervous.
Fatima, on the other hand, claims to be "a natural" and "improving," which "bothers the other girls." She also says that the judges were "dead on" when they said that Kat has no personality, and she adds that Kat "should be an accountant."
Suddenly, Whitney's fakeness doesn't seem so bad...
Mona Tyra Mail! Something about "fight with the masses so you can pose with the classes." No idea what that means. She should stop with the rhyming. Her normally inarticulate sentences make even less sense when she tries to be clever.
The girls go to some ancient ruins where there are gladiators battling. One is a female gladiator, and I suddenly feel dainty and willowy. Fatima is scared, but Whitney is like, "Awesome!" See? This is why I love her, fakeness and all.
The fighters are from the Gladiator School of Rome. Holy. Fucking. Shit. That is the coolest thing I have ever heard of! It's so cool, I've lost my mind and am putting prepositions at the end of sentences!
Dom says she hopes she gets to battle Whitney. And then she's all, "Kidding! I have nothing against her." Boy. Talk about fake.
The girls go change into their outfits, which I'm sure Miss J picked out for them. They're totally Red Sonia. (Which, by the way, there is a remake of in progress, and if there is a God, Milla Jojovich will play the title role.)
The girls faux-fight and learn some stuff. Jay is all, "Be strong! More attitude!" These are the wussiest girls ever. I've seen red-shirts on the original Star Trek show more moxie than these yabbos.
To the surprise of no one... except the girls, they will be doing a photo shoot RIGHT THEN! Doing fighting poses with a huge gladiator. Each girl only gets five shots.
Whitney is HOTT, holy crap. Dom quips that Whitney "looks like Xena's sidekick." Okay, first of all, I wish Gabrielle were here to hear Dom call her a "sidekick." She would so deliver the smackdown on Dom. Secondly, no. Whitney does not look like Gabrielle. Case closed.
Fatima is afraid of the gladiator guy because... this is an actual fight to the death in an uncontrolled environment with a real trained killer? Or something? She's wearing a metal breastplate, but it kind of loses its appeal when there's nothing to put in it. She keeps doing the same crappy pose over and over, and even when Jay warns her to do something different on her last frame, she doesn't. So she sucks.
Dom decides to stand out from the pack by... posing like a ballerina. It's the gayest thing I've ever seen. Even Jay is nonplussed.
And then Whitney coins the term "gladiatrix," cementing my undying love for her. Don't be jealous.
Anya does all the poses and moves she was taught by the gladiators, like a good, little girl. Kat looks "weak." Whitney does awesome and is "unafraid." Fatima forgets that the camera actually needs to see her body. Dom looks pretty (according to Jay, not me) but forgets about the action.
The girl with the best photo gets 1,000 euros (approx. $1,556) to go on a shopping spree in Rome. Whitney wins! YAY!!! Jay tells her she can go alone and use all the money herself, or she can bring a friend and share. So Whitney brings Anya! They're so cute! They come home with TONS of bags and even remembered to bring some sour grapes for the other girls.
Mona Tyra Mail! Something about "a thing of the past." They're going to experience Tyra's modeling career? No, they're going to pose in a 600 year old castle, but it's not like Camelot or anything. Looks like it could be pretty much any fancy house.
The vision for the shoot is "a modern interpretation of the Renaissance." I want the girls to spell Renaissance. That should be their challenge.
Tyra walks in with her camera and announces, "Mama's in charge!" God, I hate it when she calls herself Mama. It's so creepy. Can't she just collect dolls or adopt abandoned cats to fulfill that urge?
The girls are worried about impressing Tyra because they know that all the other judges on the Panel are just for show.
Kat goes first, and Tyra keeps telling her that she wants "exaggerated poses with elongated limbs." But Kat keeps doing "Walk Like an Egyptian." Way to impress, Kat!
The first thing Tyra tells Dom is, "Don't be Cruella DeVille." HA! You know, if that's Tyra's reaction right outta the gate, why the hell is Dom still in this competition? Dom does basically the same poses that Kat did, only Tyra loves it. Wait. Is Tyra sleeping with Dom?
Dom comes back to the holding pen from her shoot and is all about verbally patting herself on the back. The other girls ignore her and roll their eyes.
I notice that Tyra and Jay are in the same shot alot, critiquing the girls together. I don't think I've ever seen that before, so I assume it's to dispell the rumors that they are fighting and Jay might leave the show.
Fatima says, "So Dom can pose. Am I worried? Not at all." She does great and earns the compliment "prima ballerina" from Tyra. Anya, too, gives good poses and understands angles.
Mona Tyra Mail! Panel. One of these bitches is going home. Please, God, let it be Dominick or Fatima. Tyra welcomes them all into the room with "Bon soir!" Opps. Wrong country, Tyra. Sue says that Tyra is Pentecostal, and we need to pause the TiVo so I can stop laughing.
Anya is "100% Italian vogue." Her film is "stunning," and she doesn't need much direction.
Fatima is so "amazing" and "exquisite" that Paula is jealous of the photo.
Dom shows up to panel in an outfit that Tyra calls a "mall outfit" and "restaurant hostess." Hee! But they think her photo is amazing.
Kat is just "not punching through," and her eyes look "sleepy" because she's thinking instead of flirting with the camera. C'mon, Kat, you can't be a model and think! You should know this by now!
They had a hard time picking a good photo for Whitney because she needs to "loose the hootch." Her photos are all tits and ass and Maxim magazine. And the one where her body looks good, she's staring right into the light and looks demented.
Deliberations!
Anya is fabu and just getting better and better, but that baby-talk voice of hers is a real liability. Whitney is better in person that she is in photos, but at least she's interesting. Which is more than we can say for Dominick.
Dom has great bone structure and looks great in photos, but that's only because she's not smiling, so you can't see the deep, cavernous furrows around her mouth. In person, she looks like a life-long smoker.
Fatima's beauty is "in-friggin'-sane." Kat is using her brain too much and her eyes not enough. And I'll bet you my eBay earnings for April that's the first time she's been accused of that.
Chopping block time! "Mama" calls Fatima, Dom and Anya, leaving Whitney and Kat in the bottom two. Oh, no. NOT WHITNEY!!! Kat has the "coveted Eastern European features" but no personality. Whitney is gorgeous and stunning (and has made it much farther than any other plus-sized model, I might add), but she's kind of "stuck" in her photos.
Tyra calls WHITNEY! Kat blows kisses to the Panel and leaves without crying, making a nice I'm-not-going-to-stop-trying exit speech. Very classy.
Next episode: Dom's true colors come to light (they are smog and sallow), and Nigel takes photos of the girls. Oh, please, let Dom piss him off! I wanna see them scratching each others' eyes out!
I just thought of something. Spartans didn't live in Rome.