June 13, 2008
I Am a Coolness Parasite
Unlike Fonzie, who eminates him own coolness, I am like the moon -- I merely reflect the coolness of others. Which is why you'll find that I surround myself with fabulously cool people.
Take Heather for example. I can't tell you what her job actually is because I think she works for the French Foreign Legion or something. But I can say two words -- boobies and design. And if you are wondering what that has to do with the French Foreign Legion, then clearly you underestimate the power of boobies.
And then there's Snippy Bitch. She's a total crafting goddess and makes the best greeting cards. No Hallmark crap here! She's a cross between Martha Stewart and Terry Gilliam (in technique, not looks). I would gladly burn my Hallmark Gold Crown card, if Snippy started selling her handmade cards.
Billi, who has three kids, has always been a major influence on my life. ...okay, fertility is not really something I hope will rub off on me, but she's constantly trying to find new ways to boost my coolness factor. Like encouraging me to wear something other than a hoodie, and buying me Eminem CDs.
But last Tuesday, I saw one of the coolest things ever. I got to see Sue teach.
Sue taught in an affluent suburb for about a minute and a half before realizing, "These kids don't need me. I wanna go somewhere that I can really make a difference." So now... she's a Chicago Public School Teacher.
For those of you outside the midwest who don't know the horror of the words Chicago Public School Teacher, let me sum up what I saw:
Sue paid for many of the kids' school lunches herself because the kids had no money and probably hadn't had breakfast, either.
For most of the kids, English is their second languange, and it's not spoken at home, so they don't get much practice.
Many of them had outgrown their clothes six months ago, or were borrowing the wardrobe of a much older sibling, not necessarily of the same gender.
One of the Room Mothers on the field trip with us -- Sue calls her "Heroin Mom" -- had part of her ear cut off in a gang fight. Is it any wonder Johnny acts out at school? Is it any wonder Sue is thrilled when he can successfully put together a sentence on paper? I'm sure it sucks to be eight years old and have to make your own dinner and have your 8th grade sister sign your homework notebook because Mommy is "napping."
But you know what? The kids are adorable. And pretty darn well-behaved, for a bunch of hungry, neglected third graders. I'm convinced that it's because Sue is such a calm and assertive pack leader.
Sue is also lucky to have a lot of back-up -- Amy, Becky and Steph. Now don't let their youth, pluckiness and dimples fool you. These ladies have the power to take away your recess priviledges! And they aren't afraid to use it!
They can read a book to half the class, while keeping an eye on the half finishing their math, keeping track of who is in the bathroom and for how long, keeping order in the room of the teacher who had to go to the bathroom herself, and answering 47 questions per minute. All while keeping her cool (or at least keeping up the facade of keeping her cool).
Seriously, people. I didn't do anything but herd some kids through the Nature Center and grade a few papers, and I crawled into bed the second I got home that night, while Sue, Amy, Becky and Steph all went home and did stuff. So the next time Teacher's Day rolls around, don't get them another damn mug or Christmas ornament with World's Greatest Teacher on it. Give them CASH. Or a gift certificate. To a really nice restaurant. Or a spa. Or to Italy.
At the end of my day at school, the most darling little girl in perfect, shiny, black braids -- like a Middle Eastern Anne of Green Gables -- handed me a piece of paper. On it was written:
Thank you for coming to the field trip with us, Mrs. Pirate. Love, Nooha Greengables.
Like I know any other Nooha.
It was all I could do to keep from bursting out in tears right in front of her and scarring her for life. It was totally worth having to sit on that tiny chair all day! How does Sue say good-bye to these little darlings every year?! It has to be heartbreaking!
I can't stress it enough, you parents and legal guardians:
C * A * S * H
And if you're still not convinced, read The Tard Blog. She's much funnier than I am anyway. Sue's kids have curled up inside my heart and rendered me completely incapable of vitrol today. I'll have to go drive in some rush hour traffic to get my seething, sarcastic loathing for all of humanity back up to normal levels.
Comments
You're gay.
Posted by: Kelly Garrett at June 13, 2008 02:17 PM
Thank you for the Tard link - I spent my entire morning reading all of it - very productive Friday at work.
Posted by: Hope at June 13, 2008 04:18 PM
Why Thank you! I've been behind in my "Wench" blog reads. Maybe I should start my own line of greeting cards! SB
Posted by: Snippy Bitch at June 20, 2008 11:54 AM
Your observations about Sue's class are right on the money. Sue & I went to grad school together and I hear so much of you. Hope to meet you one day soon...
Posted by: Viannie Jimenez at June 27, 2008 05:25 PM