September 26, 2008
"Fierce Eyes"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," makeover joys, tears and weaves.
Isis and Hannah both had issues during last week's photo shoot. Hannah looked retarded, and Isis has a penis. But it was vagina-having Brittany who was sent home to be a football player's pretty trophy wife. Analeigh is nervous because she was in the Bottom Two. Yes, but can she spell "nervous?"
Oh my God. Elina's "digitart" is on the huge screen in the front room, and Tyra has superimposed a few quotes from the judges onto the photos. One of them being “racially ambiguous.” I can't for the life of me understand why, but it rubs me the wrong way. I know Tyra believes it to be a huge plus in the fashion industry, but... as a person, it bothers me. I think it's the word "ambiguous." To me, it implies weakness and noncommital-ness. I think "flexible" would sound more like a plus.
Anyhoo. Jeebus, where'd all that come from? *shakes it off* Much too thoughtful for this show. Let's see girls walking around in their underwear!
The ever-tactful Hannah tells a mopey Analeigh to stop "wallowing" and accuses she and Marjorie of having a "pity party." Hee! Now, Marj was merely a sympathetic ear for Ana and tells Hannah to shut up. Hannah interviews that Ana should "pick up her beans" and keep going.
"Pick up her beans?" Is that how Ana stays so thin -- an all-bean diet?
The girls go to Hollywood Bowl, where Miss J distributes stilletto bowling shoes!!! The pure awesomeness of these shoes is tempered only by the unfairness that Heather doesn't have a pair.
Isis is first and slips on bowling alley. And as much as I feel that the tranny should be the best damn runway walker in the group, I feel for all of them. I went bowling last night, and bowling floors are really slippery. Made worse by the fact that bowling shoes have felt soles, as I assume their stillettos do, too, or no bowling alley owner would have agreed to let these graceless ostriches careen down his alley.
Ana is too slow. Her walk and her brain synapsis. Miss J accuses Marj of doing her "shopping walk." Loaded down with bags and strung-out on Starbucks?
Hannah walks with her hands on her hips. How in the hell did she think that was a good idea? I hate it when the girls on the show haven't watched a single episode. Miss J tells the others to “help her when you get home.” Pfft. That bitch is on her own.
I don't know how McKey's walk is, but her dress is fabulous, and she should get points for that.
Miss J imparts his infinite wisdom on ghetto Sheena, "Shake it but don’t break it cuz the boys won’t take it." Oh, Miss J. I think puh-lenty of boys have taken it, and there's no putting the cows back in the barn. If... you know what I mean.
Joslyn gives that little extra that often gets her confused with a mental patient, but Miss J would rather have to pull her back than try to get a girl to give more.
Sam is so bowlegged that you can bowl between her legs. She's bowl-legged. Hee!
Elina needs to let go of control. Oh, she's going home. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but she's not going to win. You know how Tyra hates a control freak. Or rather, she hates competition from other control freaks. There's only one control freak allowed on this show, honey, and it's the freak with the lifetime supply of Victoria's Secret miracle bras!
Miss J concludes by tell them that that's their “tips for the day.” And he actually makes the quote signs when he says "tips for the day," which... is that necessary? Doesn't that imply that they are, indeed, not really their tips for the day? I think America has forgotten the purpose of air-quotes.
Tyra Mail! Something about “in the bank?”
Lauren Brie and Clark talk about amazing Elina’s and McKey’s faces are. Wow. It's so refreshing to hear a girl say something nice about another girl. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And it does. They don't think Isis is feminine enough (she's more feminine than lesbian Kim from season ___). Clark says she should go home because "models aren't five-seven."
Isis tells a few of the girls who are cool to her that the bitchy girls are intimidated by her. And one of them says, "Because you do girl better than most girls." Hee! They are very sweet to her and don’t think about what she is under her clothes -- “you’re just one of us.” Awwwwwww, group hug. Now group shower! No? Dang.
Dear Christ, what the hell is on Miss J’s shirt? Sequin doves? Disco Stu is sooooooooo jealous right now!
Jeremy Scott, designer and "dear friend" of Miss J, is having a fashion show, which the girls are going to be in. Hey, he’s white! Miss J has jungle fever! Okay, what's with the faux-hawk and bowler hat? His whole look is very Little Rascals.
The girls are given hair-dos that make them look like the creatures from "Alien" and must walk blindfolded on the runway. Proving once again that Tyra hates young, fresh-faced models. I'm sure the ones who are "eliminated" are secretly killed and drained of their blood so that Tyra can bathe in it at night.
The editor of Seventeen and Jay are judging, and Sue is doing a little judging of her own. (I watched the episode at Sue's house.) She says to the editor, “You should have taken the nose job instead of the car when you turned sixteen.” This is why I like to watch with Sue.
And the final clincher is that one of the girls is being eliminated immediately following the fashion show. Dare I hope to be rid of Analeigh so soon?
Mckey’s earrings are giant curtain tassles, and her dress has a big curtain rod through the shoulder a la Carol Burnett. God bless that Jeremy Scott. I'm sure he and Miss J sit around after sex and watch old Carol Burnett and Dina Shore reruns.
Elina is really, really good. Analeigh says that she's "smiling with her friggin' eyes." Bear in mind -- the girls are all blindfolded. Over their eyes.
Sam, in her desire to be edgey and flirty, lifted up her skirt by failing her arms around, and I'm sure it was an accident, but Jeremy Scott throws The Mother Of All Hissy Fits. Miss J agrees that they saw things that they didn't want to see, but she's wearing black leggings, so I don't know what the hell they think they saw. Visible panty lines?
Clark is wearing a dress that looks like a dresser, and I'm reminded of "Beauty and the Beast."
Lauren Brie... is she wearing a comic strip? Oh, it's books. How... ugly.
Sheena is a giant Gold Card, and I can't help but think they are eternally playing on her resemblance to Kimora Lee Simmons (who makes a kick-ass Barbie that I totally want for my birthday, by the by).
Marjorie is a grandfather clock and can’t walk. I'm tempted to blame the dress. "We've got a lot to do! Is it one lump or two? For you, our guest! Be our guest, be our guest!"
Joslyn's dress has a print on it like dead foxes. It's so retarded. I can't even pay attention to their walks, I'm so distracted by this hideous excuse for fashion. Don't ever mock my hoodies again, Billi -- at least I ain't wearin' this shit!
Hannah is dressed as another clock. "It's a guest! It's a guest! Sakes alive and I'll be blessed! Wine's been poured, and thank the Lord I've had the napkins freshly pressed!" Yes, I own the soundtrack. Don't judge me.
Isis is wearing some weird pantsuit that even Carol Brady would have turned up her nose at.
Jay, editor and Jeremy Scott discuss the girls after the show. McKey totally worked her curtain rod, but I don't find that dress particularly practical. For instance, how would you ride the bus?
Analeigh was "fantastical." Sam's bad arm movements showed her booty. Joslyn gave great energy, while Hannah looked scared and nervous.
The winner is Joslyn, and she's given an editorial in Seventeen, but I still can’t decide if she's annoying or adorable.
Jay says that “we are the eyes and ears of Tyra.” And vagina. Someone’s going home, and they get to pick who it is -- Hannah going home. Good riddance to lack of social skills!
Joslyn gets to choose two girls to be in the editorial with her, and she chooses Sheena and Isis for their “different looks.” And by "different" she means that everyone there is at least half black. Go diversity! I'm just so excited that there's going to be A TRANNY IN SEVENTEEN!!!!
Tyra Mail! It's “deep.” "Some will rise above, some will go under."
Analeigh says, “I’m the only one not doing well that’s left.” God, her voice makes me wanna not be a woman.
The girls are sleeping, and Jay shows up in gym shorts. Krikey, he's so gay, and yet, so hott. They are doing a photoshoot at the house, in the pool, shooting from nose up in the water. This is where smiling with their eyes is going to be critical. Good thing Analeigh has been practicing!
Nigel is the photographer. Ick.
McKey confesses, “I’ve got two looks with my eyes -– squint and wide open." Joslyn can’t swim. So it's a good thing they're only in four feet of water.
It's a good shoot for Clark because you can’t see her mouth and subsequent complete lack of lips. Jay calls her on “straight-up flirting with Nigel." Again, ick.
Isis is wearing "three pairs of undergarmets in case the tape comes off." Me, I'd be more worried about the tape pulling at my pubes.
Analeigh is really exciting Jay with how well she's doing. He says, "It's good to be in the Bottom Two because you wake right up.” Jay's all about the tough love. Going to my Naughty Place for a moment...
...And I'm back. Sheena left the hootch out of the pool, according to Jay. And thank God because cleaning that thing is a bitch.
Lauren Brie is so sensational that she doesn’t even need her last five shots. On the other hand, Nigel keeps asking Elina to surprise him, but she's stuck.
Sam is "animalistic and comes up with "some of the most unusual poses."
Aaaaaaaaaand scene.
Tyra Mail! Judging!
Isis calls her godfather Tremain for a pep talk. And I'm wondering why she didn't call a parent or sibling? Did her biological family disown her, and now she's left with Gay Uncle Tremain?
Panel! Tyra reminds them that “you think you know Top Model, but you have no idea." Whatev. Nigel wearing a trench coat like the perv he is.
Tyra blah-blahs about she and a friend taking photos of each other on vacation, and they did some with their faces half-submerged in the pool, which is where she got the idea for the shoot. I never do stuff like that with my friends. Oh, that's right, they're all skinny, gorgeous bitches and I hate them. I keep forgetting.
Sheena is “intense,” her photo is exciting, and she tried lots of different things. But where the hell is her photo? There are no photos of her in the photo gallery, like there are supposed to be. I'm pissed.
Joslyn could’ve been better if she had smiled with her eyes. Marjorie, earns a "not pretty" from Paulina, but Tyra and Nigel defend the photos.
Lauren Brie has “mystery in her eyes.” Isis was scared of her penis bursting free and let it hamper her performance.
Clark smiled with her whole body. Or rather, flirted with Nigel with her whole body. McKey is so instnse, but of course, Paulina says that her hand looks like club because she has to find something wrong with her.
Tyra tells Elina that she has to be careful because she has a lot of flesh over her eyes, so when she puts her chin down and looks up, "the meat falls down on her eyes.” Eye meat. Mmmmmm. Anyone hungry?
The judges love Analeigh -- great eyes, great legs. Except for Paulina, of course, who has nothing nice to say about anyone. Jeebus, at least Janice was entertaining when she was being a bitch.
Sam has great hands and did wonderful things with them during the shoot. She did the worst in the show but the best in the shoot. Jeremy goes all pissy again and lectures her, “It’s my show. You are not a rock star. That’s my reputation on the line.” Um, then maybe you shouldn't design retarded dresses? A little tip from me to you, Jeremy. You know Miss J is going to have to let him be pitcher tonight to work off some of his hostility.
Deliberations! Tyra says that “someone is leaving hizzle, fo shizzle.”
Sheena actually looks like she has power in her eyes. Gee, I wish we had a photo of that. McKey has come out of the boxing ring, which is a good thing.
Elina is stuck. Analeigh would be gone tonight, if she hadn't taken such a fabulous photo.
Joslyn did okay after she started holding her breath. Yeah, drowning chicks take horrible photos. Paulina actually say that Marjorie looks like "the headless horseman drowning in a pool of his own blood." But Tyra says the photo is fierce, so you can just SHUT UP, PAULINA! Better women than you have sat where you're sitting, so just watch your ass!
Lauren Brie has amazing swan arms. Isis, they muse, is scared to stand out and is trying to "meld in." Clark has the most powerful eyes, but there's "a little bit of cocky in there," think Tyra. Ya think?
Sam's walk is like a "truck-driver-stipper," and Jeremy just can’t get over it. If he's such a professional, then why is he taking a non-model's screw-up so damn personally? God, go have an Appletini and get over it, Spanky.
Clark is the first one called and this week's digitart. Then Tyra calls Analeigh, Lauren Brie, Sheen, McKey, Marjorie, Joslyn and Elina, leaving Isis and Sam in the Bottom Two. Oh, no, I like them both! They hold hands.
Tyra tells Isis that she stood out in the background last season, but now, she’s getting sleepier in her film, coasting into nothingness because she's afraid to stand out. Sam takes great photos but insulted Jeremy, who has to pipe up one more time with how disgusted he is.
But Sam gets to stay because she's gorgeous and Tyra only made her sweat to appease Jeremy. She tells Sam that she doesn’t have to push her sexuality because it’s natural in her.
Isis thanks Tyra for the opportunity. She exits like the queen that she is, in a tiara and huge-ass earrings, God bless her. She cries but leaves gracefully and with determination to pursue her dream.
Next week: Marjorie swears a lot, and the girls are scared of Miss J in bad monster make-up.