September 29, 2008
A Sympathy Card
Dear Mom,
I was so surprised to hear of Paul Newman's untimely death last week, and I immediately thought of you. I know that your heart was always with him, even when he was far away (which was always), and that your love for him remains constant, even now.
I am so sorry for your loss. Remember that I am thinking of you and praying that God gives you the courage needed to face the coming years without him.
I know that you and Paul will find each other in heaven one day. Because Dad sure as hell won't be there.
Love Always,
Wenchie
September 26, 2008
"Fierce Eyes"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," makeover joys, tears and weaves.
Isis and Hannah both had issues during last week's photo shoot. Hannah looked retarded, and Isis has a penis. But it was vagina-having Brittany who was sent home to be a football player's pretty trophy wife. Analeigh is nervous because she was in the Bottom Two. Yes, but can she spell "nervous?"
Oh my God. Elina's "digitart" is on the huge screen in the front room, and Tyra has superimposed a few quotes from the judges onto the photos. One of them being “racially ambiguous.” I can't for the life of me understand why, but it rubs me the wrong way. I know Tyra believes it to be a huge plus in the fashion industry, but... as a person, it bothers me. I think it's the word "ambiguous." To me, it implies weakness and noncommital-ness. I think "flexible" would sound more like a plus.
Anyhoo. Jeebus, where'd all that come from? *shakes it off* Much too thoughtful for this show. Let's see girls walking around in their underwear!
The ever-tactful Hannah tells a mopey Analeigh to stop "wallowing" and accuses she and Marjorie of having a "pity party." Hee! Now, Marj was merely a sympathetic ear for Ana and tells Hannah to shut up. Hannah interviews that Ana should "pick up her beans" and keep going.
"Pick up her beans?" Is that how Ana stays so thin -- an all-bean diet?
The girls go to Hollywood Bowl, where Miss J distributes stilletto bowling shoes!!! The pure awesomeness of these shoes is tempered only by the unfairness that Heather doesn't have a pair.
Isis is first and slips on bowling alley. And as much as I feel that the tranny should be the best damn runway walker in the group, I feel for all of them. I went bowling last night, and bowling floors are really slippery. Made worse by the fact that bowling shoes have felt soles, as I assume their stillettos do, too, or no bowling alley owner would have agreed to let these graceless ostriches careen down his alley.
Ana is too slow. Her walk and her brain synapsis. Miss J accuses Marj of doing her "shopping walk." Loaded down with bags and strung-out on Starbucks?
Hannah walks with her hands on her hips. How in the hell did she think that was a good idea? I hate it when the girls on the show haven't watched a single episode. Miss J tells the others to “help her when you get home.” Pfft. That bitch is on her own.
I don't know how McKey's walk is, but her dress is fabulous, and she should get points for that.
Miss J imparts his infinite wisdom on ghetto Sheena, "Shake it but don’t break it cuz the boys won’t take it." Oh, Miss J. I think puh-lenty of boys have taken it, and there's no putting the cows back in the barn. If... you know what I mean.
Joslyn gives that little extra that often gets her confused with a mental patient, but Miss J would rather have to pull her back than try to get a girl to give more.
Sam is so bowlegged that you can bowl between her legs. She's bowl-legged. Hee!
Elina needs to let go of control. Oh, she's going home. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but she's not going to win. You know how Tyra hates a control freak. Or rather, she hates competition from other control freaks. There's only one control freak allowed on this show, honey, and it's the freak with the lifetime supply of Victoria's Secret miracle bras!
Miss J concludes by tell them that that's their “tips for the day.” And he actually makes the quote signs when he says "tips for the day," which... is that necessary? Doesn't that imply that they are, indeed, not really their tips for the day? I think America has forgotten the purpose of air-quotes.
Tyra Mail! Something about “in the bank?”
Lauren Brie and Clark talk about amazing Elina’s and McKey’s faces are. Wow. It's so refreshing to hear a girl say something nice about another girl. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And it does. They don't think Isis is feminine enough (she's more feminine than lesbian Kim from season ___). Clark says she should go home because "models aren't five-seven."
Isis tells a few of the girls who are cool to her that the bitchy girls are intimidated by her. And one of them says, "Because you do girl better than most girls." Hee! They are very sweet to her and don’t think about what she is under her clothes -- “you’re just one of us.” Awwwwwww, group hug. Now group shower! No? Dang.
Dear Christ, what the hell is on Miss J’s shirt? Sequin doves? Disco Stu is sooooooooo jealous right now!
Jeremy Scott, designer and "dear friend" of Miss J, is having a fashion show, which the girls are going to be in. Hey, he’s white! Miss J has jungle fever! Okay, what's with the faux-hawk and bowler hat? His whole look is very Little Rascals.
The girls are given hair-dos that make them look like the creatures from "Alien" and must walk blindfolded on the runway. Proving once again that Tyra hates young, fresh-faced models. I'm sure the ones who are "eliminated" are secretly killed and drained of their blood so that Tyra can bathe in it at night.
The editor of Seventeen and Jay are judging, and Sue is doing a little judging of her own. (I watched the episode at Sue's house.) She says to the editor, “You should have taken the nose job instead of the car when you turned sixteen.” This is why I like to watch with Sue.
And the final clincher is that one of the girls is being eliminated immediately following the fashion show. Dare I hope to be rid of Analeigh so soon?
Mckey’s earrings are giant curtain tassles, and her dress has a big curtain rod through the shoulder a la Carol Burnett. God bless that Jeremy Scott. I'm sure he and Miss J sit around after sex and watch old Carol Burnett and Dina Shore reruns.
Elina is really, really good. Analeigh says that she's "smiling with her friggin' eyes." Bear in mind -- the girls are all blindfolded. Over their eyes.
Sam, in her desire to be edgey and flirty, lifted up her skirt by failing her arms around, and I'm sure it was an accident, but Jeremy Scott throws The Mother Of All Hissy Fits. Miss J agrees that they saw things that they didn't want to see, but she's wearing black leggings, so I don't know what the hell they think they saw. Visible panty lines?
Clark is wearing a dress that looks like a dresser, and I'm reminded of "Beauty and the Beast."
Lauren Brie... is she wearing a comic strip? Oh, it's books. How... ugly.
Sheena is a giant Gold Card, and I can't help but think they are eternally playing on her resemblance to Kimora Lee Simmons (who makes a kick-ass Barbie that I totally want for my birthday, by the by).
Marjorie is a grandfather clock and can’t walk. I'm tempted to blame the dress. "We've got a lot to do! Is it one lump or two? For you, our guest! Be our guest, be our guest!"
Joslyn's dress has a print on it like dead foxes. It's so retarded. I can't even pay attention to their walks, I'm so distracted by this hideous excuse for fashion. Don't ever mock my hoodies again, Billi -- at least I ain't wearin' this shit!
Hannah is dressed as another clock. "It's a guest! It's a guest! Sakes alive and I'll be blessed! Wine's been poured, and thank the Lord I've had the napkins freshly pressed!" Yes, I own the soundtrack. Don't judge me.
Isis is wearing some weird pantsuit that even Carol Brady would have turned up her nose at.
Jay, editor and Jeremy Scott discuss the girls after the show. McKey totally worked her curtain rod, but I don't find that dress particularly practical. For instance, how would you ride the bus?
Analeigh was "fantastical." Sam's bad arm movements showed her booty. Joslyn gave great energy, while Hannah looked scared and nervous.
The winner is Joslyn, and she's given an editorial in Seventeen, but I still can’t decide if she's annoying or adorable.
Jay says that “we are the eyes and ears of Tyra.” And vagina. Someone’s going home, and they get to pick who it is -- Hannah going home. Good riddance to lack of social skills!
Joslyn gets to choose two girls to be in the editorial with her, and she chooses Sheena and Isis for their “different looks.” And by "different" she means that everyone there is at least half black. Go diversity! I'm just so excited that there's going to be A TRANNY IN SEVENTEEN!!!!
Tyra Mail! It's “deep.” "Some will rise above, some will go under."
Analeigh says, “I’m the only one not doing well that’s left.” God, her voice makes me wanna not be a woman.
The girls are sleeping, and Jay shows up in gym shorts. Krikey, he's so gay, and yet, so hott. They are doing a photoshoot at the house, in the pool, shooting from nose up in the water. This is where smiling with their eyes is going to be critical. Good thing Analeigh has been practicing!
Nigel is the photographer. Ick.
McKey confesses, “I’ve got two looks with my eyes -– squint and wide open." Joslyn can’t swim. So it's a good thing they're only in four feet of water.
It's a good shoot for Clark because you can’t see her mouth and subsequent complete lack of lips. Jay calls her on “straight-up flirting with Nigel." Again, ick.
Isis is wearing "three pairs of undergarmets in case the tape comes off." Me, I'd be more worried about the tape pulling at my pubes.
Analeigh is really exciting Jay with how well she's doing. He says, "It's good to be in the Bottom Two because you wake right up.” Jay's all about the tough love. Going to my Naughty Place for a moment...
...And I'm back. Sheena left the hootch out of the pool, according to Jay. And thank God because cleaning that thing is a bitch.
Lauren Brie is so sensational that she doesn’t even need her last five shots. On the other hand, Nigel keeps asking Elina to surprise him, but she's stuck.
Sam is "animalistic and comes up with "some of the most unusual poses."
Aaaaaaaaaand scene.
Tyra Mail! Judging!
Isis calls her godfather Tremain for a pep talk. And I'm wondering why she didn't call a parent or sibling? Did her biological family disown her, and now she's left with Gay Uncle Tremain?
Panel! Tyra reminds them that “you think you know Top Model, but you have no idea." Whatev. Nigel wearing a trench coat like the perv he is.
Tyra blah-blahs about she and a friend taking photos of each other on vacation, and they did some with their faces half-submerged in the pool, which is where she got the idea for the shoot. I never do stuff like that with my friends. Oh, that's right, they're all skinny, gorgeous bitches and I hate them. I keep forgetting.
Sheena is “intense,” her photo is exciting, and she tried lots of different things. But where the hell is her photo? There are no photos of her in the photo gallery, like there are supposed to be. I'm pissed.
Joslyn could’ve been better if she had smiled with her eyes. Marjorie, earns a "not pretty" from Paulina, but Tyra and Nigel defend the photos.
Lauren Brie has “mystery in her eyes.” Isis was scared of her penis bursting free and let it hamper her performance.
Clark smiled with her whole body. Or rather, flirted with Nigel with her whole body. McKey is so instnse, but of course, Paulina says that her hand looks like club because she has to find something wrong with her.
Tyra tells Elina that she has to be careful because she has a lot of flesh over her eyes, so when she puts her chin down and looks up, "the meat falls down on her eyes.” Eye meat. Mmmmmm. Anyone hungry?
The judges love Analeigh -- great eyes, great legs. Except for Paulina, of course, who has nothing nice to say about anyone. Jeebus, at least Janice was entertaining when she was being a bitch.
Sam has great hands and did wonderful things with them during the shoot. She did the worst in the show but the best in the shoot. Jeremy goes all pissy again and lectures her, “It’s my show. You are not a rock star. That’s my reputation on the line.” Um, then maybe you shouldn't design retarded dresses? A little tip from me to you, Jeremy. You know Miss J is going to have to let him be pitcher tonight to work off some of his hostility.
Deliberations! Tyra says that “someone is leaving hizzle, fo shizzle.”
Sheena actually looks like she has power in her eyes. Gee, I wish we had a photo of that. McKey has come out of the boxing ring, which is a good thing.
Elina is stuck. Analeigh would be gone tonight, if she hadn't taken such a fabulous photo.
Joslyn did okay after she started holding her breath. Yeah, drowning chicks take horrible photos. Paulina actually say that Marjorie looks like "the headless horseman drowning in a pool of his own blood." But Tyra says the photo is fierce, so you can just SHUT UP, PAULINA! Better women than you have sat where you're sitting, so just watch your ass!
Lauren Brie has amazing swan arms. Isis, they muse, is scared to stand out and is trying to "meld in." Clark has the most powerful eyes, but there's "a little bit of cocky in there," think Tyra. Ya think?
Sam's walk is like a "truck-driver-stipper," and Jeremy just can’t get over it. If he's such a professional, then why is he taking a non-model's screw-up so damn personally? God, go have an Appletini and get over it, Spanky.
Clark is the first one called and this week's digitart. Then Tyra calls Analeigh, Lauren Brie, Sheen, McKey, Marjorie, Joslyn and Elina, leaving Isis and Sam in the Bottom Two. Oh, no, I like them both! They hold hands.
Tyra tells Isis that she stood out in the background last season, but now, she’s getting sleepier in her film, coasting into nothingness because she's afraid to stand out. Sam takes great photos but insulted Jeremy, who has to pipe up one more time with how disgusted he is.
But Sam gets to stay because she's gorgeous and Tyra only made her sweat to appease Jeremy. She tells Sam that she doesn’t have to push her sexuality because it’s natural in her.
Isis thanks Tyra for the opportunity. She exits like the queen that she is, in a tiara and huge-ass earrings, God bless her. She cries but leaves gracefully and with determination to pursue her dream.
Next week: Marjorie swears a lot, and the girls are scared of Miss J in bad monster make-up.
Posted at 02:04 PM | Comments (0)September 23, 2008
Classy Broads
I think it's safe to say that, where I work, the majority of the top positions in the company are held by women. And the floor I work on is where many of these women have their offices. And these women -- lemme tell you -- fabu-freakin'-lous dressers! Hands down, these are the classiest broads I know.
Today, I was sitting at my desk when my cell phone rang. Figuring it was my Mom, I answered without looking. I was surprised to hear the voice of one of these classy broads.
CB: Hi. Are you in your office?
PW: Yes...
CB: Can I ask you to do me a favor?
PW: Of course! (figuring I was to get something off her desk and bring it to some meeting she was in)
CB: Don't laugh.
PW: (starts laughing) You can't tell me that! That automatically makes me laugh because I know this is going to be good!
CB: Alright. Don't think I'm weird, but can you come to the bathroom?
PW: I'm on my way. Should I, um... bring something? (imagining some type of Caddyshack- or Porkys-esque shenanigans)
CB: No. You'll see when you get here.
I walked into the bathroom, not even being able to imagine what I could possibly imagine in this case. I said her name, and she stepped out of a stall with her tailored skirt around her hips and her arm awkwardly at her side.
"My bracelet is stuck to my pantyhose!"
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
I bent over for a closer look, and sure enough, Brighton had falled in love with Hanes, and they refused to be parted.
"I tried ripping the pantyhose, but they're really strong! And I can't see it to unhook it! And I didn't want to walk to my office with my skirt pulled down! I'm so glad you were here!"
Once my face was the inches from her hip, it was an easy thing to unhook the offending trinket.
I guess this falls under the "and other duties as needed" portion of my job description.
Posted at 07:25 PM | Comments (1)September 22, 2008
"You're Beautiful, Now Change"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Wenchie wishes she had TiVo. Husband wants it, too, but we're both too lazy to actually order it, so we're each hoping the other one will break down and get it.
Britney is fretting because she's merely "pretty" and not edgey enough. Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. "I'm too pretty! Waaaaaaaaanh! Get a real problem, bitch. Like rosacea! You wanna see my face after I have a glass of wine? It's not pretty!
Analeigh is sad and feels like she disappointed the Panel. Well, then, you're toast. And now you have a bigger problem. After eliminations, how are you going to find the front door with none of the other girls there to show you, you STUPID, STUPID GIRL?!
Tyra shows up at the house with her tiara and wand. I'm starting to think that this show is just a forum for Tyra to act out her bizarre fantasies. She has tiaras for all the girls (smaller than hers, of course) and little princess gift bags. Oh, man, that's so cool. I want Tyra to throw me a birthday party.
I'm totally doing a Princess Party for my 41st. See, this year, it's a Pirate Party. Next year, for my 40th, I'm doing an 80s Dance Party. So for my 41st -- Princess Party!!!
Anyhoo, Tyra tells this story about how, when she was twenty, in Italy, some agency said she had to loose fifteen lbs. because she was getting too much boobie and booty. But instead of listening to them, she ordered pizza and decided to market herself to Victoria's Secret and Sports Illustrated. Because, ya know -- boobies.
The point is, she "madeover" her image and her career, and the girls are getting... MAKEOVERS!!! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
But before the girls get too excited, in comes Miss J dressed as the evil witch from Snow White. And he's carrying apples. And he gives one to Tyra. And I guess all that talk of pizza made her hungry becauase she takes a bite of the apple... and faints. Because it's not beer-battered.
Oh, wait. It gets better. And by better, I mean much, much gayer. Because in comes Jay dressed as Prince Coutoure. Yeah, they went there. Prince Coutoure revives Tyra with a kiss.
...
Nah, too easy.
Tyra wakes up but is much too woozy to talk about makeovers, so she tells the girls that Jay and Miss J are going to have to take care of them. And then... JAY CARRIES TYRA OUT OF THE ROOM! CARRIES! And there are no wires! Dude is strong!
The girls go so Neil-George Salon, where all the mirrors are covered. They don't get to see their makeovers until it's all done. Well, at least they're postponing the crying.
Marjorie gets brown hair, which is awesome cuz it really brings out her eyes, and that platinum shit was, well... shit. Joslyn gets a wavy weave. Meanwhile, Jay gives Elina a pep talk about "letting go" or something.
Sam get her hair chopped, and she weeps, but it's soooooooo cute! Really blond and sassy and makes her cheekbones look insane! Hannah gets bangs and a blunt cut, and they dye her hair darker, and I can't believe what a huge different it makes.
Clark goes dark with wavey layers, but they can't makeover her personality, so I don't know why they bother. Lauren Brie goes platinum, which apparently makes her even stupider, because what the hell is she doing with her hands in this photo?
What the...? Why did they give Sheena highlights?! I'm sorry, but she's half Asian. Asian's have black, glossy, sleek, FLAWLESS hair! Why mess with that and give her chunky highlights like some soccer mom?! Ugh!
Analeigh gets some highlights, some layers. Not a big difference. On the other hand, Miss J tells Elina that she's getting something done that's a First Ever In Top Model History!!! Oooh, finally something interesting. She wants a long, long weave. We'll see!
McKey gets her hair short and black, and she is stunning. Isis gets a weave, and she's... a tranny with a weave.
Brittany suffers from Catalogue Syndrome, so to give her some edginess, they give her a... weave. Can I just say -- why is it that Tyra can't think of anything to do to black girls except give them weaves? Miss J tells her, "I can see you as the trophy wife of a football player." Hee! More emo from her about being pretty. If she'd just stop with the crying and make with the cutting herself, I'd be enjoying this show a lot more.
Elina's big shocker is that they give her red, curly hair via a weave. What?! They can do that?! I WANT ONE! She looks hott. I'm so jealous.
Tyra Mail! Something about "working the late shift." A photo shoot about prostitution! YAY! But no, they just go to WalMart. HA! I love it when they do that. Tyra's all, "This is about high-fashion coutour." And then takes them to WalMart.
Sutan is there, and again, we just don't see enough of him! I want Sutan and Jay to have their own spin-off. "America's Next Top Queen." Crissy Barker, Nigel's wife, is there, too. Nigel must've put that in his contract or something because, for the life of me, I can't figure out her purpose.
Sutan and Chrissy unveil Whitney's Cover Girl WalMart display, and I must say, that broad classes up the joint. I love her, but not as much as Husband does. He starts licking the t.v. screen, and I know he's going to be thinking of her during sex tonight.
There's a TruBlend make-up display -- you know, the stuff that makes Drew Barrymore look orange in her commercial. The girls each have to film a 30-second commercial -- sans script! I love it when they just set the girls up for a trainwreck. The prizes are a $1,000 gift card to WalMart and photos on both the Cover Girl website and WalMart.com.
Surprisingly, Hannah does really well. I think she's growing on me. Analeigh sucks. She actually says "Yo," at the end. I hope she goes home because that vapid voice is killing me. Brittany is horrible, too, proving to the world that she really isn't anything more than pretty. Self-fulfilling prophecy much?
Marjorie is cute, but she say Walgreens instead of WalMart. Hey, it's an easy mistake. Sam is great, if you don't mind the Valley accent.
Sutan and Crissing tell Hannah that she's incredible, and tell Analeigh that she's a "hood rat." What's a hood rat? Hannah is the winner, obviously, and she's so excited that "I can Google myself!" Oh, Lord.
Tyra Mail! Are you suited to be ANTM? The girls think swim suits. I'm hoping Tyra is a bit more clever than that and the girls will be in men's suits or suits of armor or something. But no, it's swim suits.
Appropo of nothing, Elina says that she doesn't like her mom. Oh, I didn't realize she was thirteen. The other girls are like, "Does she pay the bills? Feed you? Let you live in her house? Then what's the problem?!"
Elina admits that, yes, her mom takes good care of her, and they hang-out and stuff, but her mom never encouraged her to show her feelings or something, and that's why she hates her. Okay, this is Elina.
Brittany calls her on her retardedness and tells her that she's "ungrateful" and "an evil bitch." She says that Elina is just using her mom. Elina gets pissy (like, what did she expect???) and tries to end the conversation... that she started. Brittany calls her "psycho." Hmmm, maybe there will be some cutting after all?
Then we get a heartbreaking montage of Analeigh trying out faces in the mirror and looking like ass, despite coaching from Marjorie and Isis. Go home, Analeigh! If a French broad and a drag queen can't teach you to be fabulous, NO ONE CAN!
The girls are taken to a beach house for the photo shoot, where Tyra tells them that she was the first black model on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Rose Parks would be pround, I'm sure.
The swimsuits the girls will be modeling are by Susan Holmes. Some apparently famous designer that I've never heard of. And today, the girls will be posing without direction from Jay. *gasp* He's pushing the little birdies out of the nest so soon! I hope this isn't Tyra's doing -- weaning Jay from the show.
Analeigh poses on a rock and is both as sexy as, and as dumb as, a barnacle. Hannah is doing some psycho shit with her eyes. Brittany keeps stressing about being pretty. She's got no range.
The photographer loves Sam. Elina is finally happy with her hair and pulls off some good shots. She's got tattoos on her stomach and arm that are just not going to work in the high-fashion world.
If you take nothing away from this blog, take this:
FOREARM TATTOOS ARE NEVER, EVER, EVER A GOOD IDEA.
I cannot stress this enough. There are only a few places you can have a career with forearm tattoos -- gas station, record store, tattoo parlor. Just say no, people.
Isis confesses to Jay that she's worried about hiding her package. I mean, it's one thing to wear a bathing suit in a pool a night, and quite another to be parading around in broad daylight. The photographer and designer don't know she's not 100% female, but I think the photographer has a clue when he says she's "difficult to shoot" because of the weird angles of her face.
Tyra Mail! Panel! Please God, let Analeigh and/or Brittany go home. I can't stand either one of them for another episode. The judges call the girls forward and check out their photos.
Sheena looks serene and lovely, which is certainly a 180 from the ghetto-fab that we see in person. Analeigh's arms are some scary shit, like the tree branches from "Poltergeist." And now I'm going to have nightmares, thankyouvermuch.
Clark looks bitter and angry in every photo, and her lips are practically non-existant. But that hair really makes her eyes pop! Hannah looks Euro-sexy, but her poses are all too alike.
Lauren Brie is gorgeous. How does she do that? She's homely in person! Brittany isn't "present" during the shoot. Then they shouldn't have told her to "be yourself!"
McKey needs to think outside of the box (as does anyone who still uses that phrase in ernest), but her photo is... oooooooooooooh. Wow. Isis looks sleepy. Her face had no variety, but her poses were good.
Marjorie looks like she's in an ad for a high-end boutique, but they wish they could see more of the suit. Sam just drawn Paulina into the photo. They are impressed with the way she can just "turn it on."
Elina looks smokin'. They tell her that tatts, in general, are a terrible idea for a model, but they kind of worked here so they didn't airbrush them out. The judges love Joslyn's poses. She has power and "poses in motion."
Deliberations!
Sheena "needs more power." And a chin reduction. Analeigh's face is dull... nah, too easy. Clark is not photogenic.
Lauren Brie looks bad in person but taking amazing photos. Brittany has no "wow factor." Sam is gorgeous.
Hannah looks great when she's messy. Isis is stuck. Loooooooove Marjorie!
McKey is fantastic. Elina really delivered and "owned" her new hair. Joslyn -- love it.
The girls come back in, and Tyra starts calling names. Elina is the first called and this week's "digitart." Then Lauren, Sam, McKey, Sheena, Joslyn, Marjorie, Clark, Isis and Hannah get called. Leaving Brittany and Analeigh in the Bottom Two.
Brittany is just not connecting with the camera. Analeigh is just all-around disappointing, but she stays anyway, and I get to listen to her voice for another episode. Tyra tells Brittany to go home and start looking at European fashion magazines.
Next week, the girls practice walking on a bowling alley and are in their first fashion show.
Posted at 05:59 AM | Comments (0)September 19, 2008
The Emissions
Dear Woman in the Bathroom Stall Next To Me,
There are four stalls in the 11th floor bathroom. I was in the last one, the furthest from the door. Which means there were two very convenient stalls that you could have used, leaving at least one buffer-stall between us as we powdered our noses, so to speak.
But you chose neither of those stalls. Which I find quite odd. Yes, there was a "wall" between us. But the wall goes neither to the floor nor the ceiling, so it's not so much a wall as it is the mere hint of a politeness barrier.
I don't like going potty two feet away from another person. Unless it's Billi, and then I couldn't care less because we spent at least 30% of our childhood in the bathroom together -- peeing, bathing, shaving our legs, brushing our teeth.
But as you are not my sister, I don't want you airing your hoo-ha, sphincter, and all the emissions thereof so damn close to me.
Ah, but you took it one step further, didn't you?
You collapsed onto the toilet seat and unleashed a torrential barrage of farts and excrement of various consistancies. It was noisy. It was smelly. And it was, at most, two feet from my person.
And you did it on purpose! You chose to be that close to me! You deliberately put me in the immediate vicinity of your DIARREAAAAAAA, YOU DISGUSTING PIG!!!!!!!
I can't imagine what would possess a woman to subject a sistah to that. I mean, I would expect that from a man because they like to fart in the car and roll the windows up and activate the child-proof window-locks. But I would expect a female to have a teesny, tiny bit more class than that.
I feel personally insulted and violated. I hate you and wish you unsolid, ass-burning, volcanic poop for the rest of your life.
Love, Wenchie
P.S. You left you diet A&W can on the sink. I know who you are.
Posted at 06:19 PM | Comments (2)September 18, 2008
Who's a Big Girl? Wenchie Is!
On October 30, I turn thirty-nine. And today, for the first time, I had this surreal moment where I really felt like a grown-up.
Most days, I look at my tastefully-decorated house, my cool car, my two furry dependants, my schedule, my senior partner husband... and I think, "Day-um. When did I get so respectable? How am I fooling so many people? Don't they know that I'm still twenty years old? How did they let me have all this stuff?"
But today, as I walked to my car, I felt... adult. And not in the usual porno way, either.
Currently, at work, I have an office. Yes, I'm a temp, but my old boss' empty office is literally the only free desk on the entire floor. So I have an office with a door. And if I balled up a piece of paper and threw it out my office door, I'll bet I could land it in Official Title's office. That's how close I sit to greatness.
Most days, I think, "Are all these people just as retarded as I am? Are we all just fooling each other? These people think I'm a hard-working, capable, committed employee. That's insane! Who's idea was it to give me all this responsibility?!"
But today, after my meeting with the hotel representative to work out logistics for the event I'm planning, I'm like, wow. This is what grown-ups do. They go to meetings and make decisions and have other people accept those decisions. AT FACE VALUE! Simply because I'm... me?
CRAZINESS! UTTER FOOLISHNESS!
Tomorrow, I'm going in on my usual day off -- after I deliver lunches to my shut-ins -- to attend a department meeting. One of my co-workers commended me for being so conscientious as to realize that was necessary and to volunteer to attend.
ME! CONSCIENTIOUS! I almost fell out of my tasteful-yet-trendy, leather loafers!
Jesus Christ, whose shoes are these?!?!
So I strode proudly to my car, carrying my nearly-briefcase-sized Hobo International purse, with my Franklin Covey sticking out, and I felt so... satisfied. It was weird. I've been waiting my whole life to feel grown-up, and it finally happened.
Thank God I was wearing my hot pink, leopard-print panties or I never would have recognized myself.
Posted at 06:09 PM | Comments (1)September 15, 2008
"The Ladder of Model Success"
Okay, here's what happened. I had to go get another facial (complete with extractions) on Wednesday at 6:00. So before I left, I put a tape in the VCR and hit record.
No, I don't have TiVo.
No, I don't know how to set the timer on my VCR.
Leave. Me. Alone.
By the time I got home, the tape had run out. So I watched the last 20 minutes of it in real time, and then I watched what I could on the tape. In between real time and tape is TWENTY MINUTES OF HOOTCHY GOODNESS THAT I MISSED!
Someone needs to guest-blog the middle third of the show, or at least
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Sharaun was an arrogant 'tard -- an arrotard -- and got sent home for it. And rightly so.
The girls fuss and coo over Marjorie's digital art -- digitart -- while secretly plotting her death. I'm assuming. Meanwhile, Nikeysha talks to damn much.
Tyra Mail! "Don't get it twisted." "Bend over backwards." Even if he wasn't in the previews last week, we'd know it was twisted, backwards, freak-of-nature Benny Ninja. When was it decided that he was a show staple? I don't recall being consulted...
Benny tells the girls to think outside the box while posing, but also to think inside the box. My, what cleverness! There's a girl! In the box! Named Bree! Bree-in-the-box! Oh, I never tire of Tyra's antics!
Bree is a model and... "entertainer." So -- hooker, I presume. Wow, a tranny and a hooker! Tyra is like Jesus!
The girls have to pose inside sheer fabric tubes. Sheena brings the hootch. That girl can hootch from inside a fabric tube. Now that's talent! But Benny and Bree love Sheena, while hating Nikeysha, and pretty much everyone else. Hootch wins the day!
Tyra Mail! "Learn your lesson?" "In the bag." Lauren Brie thinks it's some kind of challenge with... posing. No, Lauren, it's Italian cooking. OF COURSE, IT'S ABOUT POSING, YOU DIM-WITTED TWAT! YOU WERE JUST POSING!!!
*pant* *pant* *pant* *compose*
The girls are in the pool playing Truth or Dare. Wow. It took them three and a half minutes to all go completely lezbo. Awesome! Someone dares Clark to kiss Elina.
Reminder -- Clark is the bitchasaurus from Smallsdale, Thedeepsouth. Elina is the bi-sexual vegan, who doesn't mind snacking on a fish taco once in a while. So it's not so much Clark kissing Elina as it is Elina sexually assaulting Clark. After which, Elina says she felt fireworks?
Really? Fireworks? From a uptight, cold fish? I don't care how hott she is -- bitches like her have sex with men. In the missionary position. In the dark. On Christmas and their anniversary. And that's it.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the pool, Hannah is clearly even more sexually repressed than Clark, who will at least give her boyfriend a handjob with a towel. She admits to being intimidated by all the sex talk.
Someone dares Isis to... I don't know, do water ballet. So she dances around and gets too close to Hannah, who shoves her away in a pretty aggressive manner.
Later on, in one of the bedrooms, Sheena and Brittney call her on it, but instead of calmly telling her that her behavior was unacceptable, they just get catty and gang up on her. In her defense, she pulls out the "typical white girl" defense, which TOTALLY pisses me off because a) don't be talking for me, you ignorant hick; and b) I have never shoved a black tranny.
Meanwhile Isis needs to give herself one of her hormone injections, and she asks Analeigh to distract her while she does it. I guess it takes a while to get all the dosage into her because she sits with that needle in her thigh for quite a while. Ow.
Analeigh is goofy and adorable and really sweet to Isis. It's a bonding moment. *tear*
The girls are taken to some dumpy, little theater with Benny Ninja and Tarina Tarantino. Her accessories... well, let's just say that I would never wear them. They look like something you could get out of a gumball machine. They're even too tacky to look good on Barbie. Oh my God, don't anyone buy me any of this crap for my birthday.
The girls must pose with one of her purses and be creative and whatnot. The prize is one of her purses filled with a bunch of her jewelry. Whoop-dee-shit. I might give you four bucks for the lot at a garage sale.
Isis is nauseated from her hormone injection, but she sucks it up and doesn't mention it to anyone. She tries really hard, but Tarina doesn't like her use of her toes.
Nikeysha totally screws it up by announcing, as she walks onto the set, that she has to pee. Classyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. But it's Sheena that fares the worst as she puts her ankles behind her ears and places the purse smack dab in the middle of her crotch. I hope that's not the same purse they are giving to the winner.
Tarina rates all the girls and rags on Sheena for not showing respect to the product. Elina wins because she was interesting and gave good face. Frankly, her posing wasn't all that great. I think she just sucked the least.
And this is where I loose time. Apparently, I miss a whole photo shoot with a hot air balloon.
...
Judging! It appears that, this season, instead of a big afro or flower boa, Miss J is wearing a big-ass, ghetto necklace with the number of girls left each week. And Tyra actually pointed it out, like we are all at home wondering, "What stupid, tacky-ass gimmick is Miss J going to come up with this season?"
Tarina is guest judge.
Analeigh... I miss what they say about her because Husband is actually talking at me.
Sam looks full-figured in her photo. Tyra tells her, "Shiney fabric is not your friend." Hannah's body has great angles, but her face doesn't cut it. Heh. I could've told them that.
Nikeysha is too thin in her photo. And in real life. TOO THIN! A MODEL! Tyra said they had to re-touch her photo to put some meat on her limbs. Jeebus, have a fucking sammich. Lauren Brie looks like a beautiful, brown-down doll. And AGAIN, I don't know how this fish-faced broad keeps taking awesome photos.
McKey looks like the love-child of Poison Ivy and The Joker. Hee! The judges are nerds! Clark looks like she could work in Europe. So basically -- Eurotrash.
Isis has confidence and looks sexy. Marjorie's photo looks like she has no nose, but the judges love how she's a chameleon and can change her look so dramatically with just a wig.
They think that Elina looks like Angelina Jolie, and I think that's like saying that someone looks like Marilyn Monroe -- there's just no fucking way.
Nigel calls Sheena's posing "Victoria's Secret-ion," and I laugh so loud that Daisy starts barking upstairs. Paulina asks her if her breasts are fake, and she says No. I'm not buying it, and neither are the judges. They look ridiculous in her photo.
Brittney looks very pretty, like a high-end catalogue model. So, like, Coach? Joslyn is effortlessly fabulous and strong.
Tyra excuses the girls to the holding dank while they deliberate, but before they go, Sheena asks to come speak to the judges. Immediately, Tyra's hackles go up, and I brace myself for something awesome.
But it's only Sheena coming forward to tell the panel what we all already know -- that the titties are fake. Something dumb she did and reguets, blah, blah, blah. Tyra switches into "The Tyra Show" mode and applauds her for coming forward and telling the truth.
Deliberations!
Analeigh is intersting. Yeah, I like her. Sam has potential but needs a pixie-cut makeover. Miss J fake-cries in a creepy imitation of things to come. Hannah is... earnest. Awwwwww, poor Hannah.
They dis Nikeysha. In contrast, they declare that Lauren Brie's photo is in the Top Five Ever On ANTM. Sheena had her Tarina handbag in her crotch, and they can't even get over that to discuss her photo. Hee!
McKey has potential. Clark needs a scrub down. And I know a lezbo-vego who'd love to do the honors! Isis is falling apart, and it shows in her dreadful photo.
Marjorie is fantastic. Elina is more advanced than the other girls. Brittney has not proven that she is high-fashion. Joslyn is, again, effortless.
Tyra calls the girls and gives them their photos. The first girl called and this week's "digitart" is Lauren Brie. God, I'm just not seeing it!
Also called -- Elina, Joslyn, Marjorie, McKey, Sam, Sheena (who is visibly shocked as hell to be called), Hannah, Clark, Brittney and Analeigh.
Nikeysha and Isis are in the Bottom Two. Isis better not go home!
Nikeysha's film is mediocre, which she argues and can't shut her damn mouth and Tyra is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO over her! Isis started out on top and has slid down to the bottom. Is she a good model with one bad photo, or a bad model with one good photo? Ohhh, you're makin' Mama Tyra need a drink!
Isis stays! YAY! Must like Tyra picking a plus-sized model as the winner last season because she was tired of taking photos with skinny bitches, she wants to keep a fellow tranny around to keep her looking more feminine.
Nikeysha goes, "I guess I'll be an anesthesiologist." HAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! You go, girl! And take those tacky shoes with you! She keeps running her mouth over the end credits. Okay, now that's funny.
Next week -- MAKEOVERS!!!! I wish I could watch that one with Billi. It's always my favorite!
Posted at 07:56 PM | Comments (1)September 14, 2008
Wenchie, Patron Saint of the Hot Dish
Yesterday morning, Husband and I made the move from Wenchietown to Floodsville. And so did everyone else in our neighborhood, town, county, state. So actually, Floodsville doesn’t look much different from Wenchietown, except for the overabundance of water.
Our neighbors across the street had to carry all the furniture out of their basement, but I think they beat the water and nothing got ruined. Our neighbors to the south had water gushing up through their basement toilet, just like last year. Our neighbors on the other side of them have six feet of water in their basement, just like last year.
The S.S. Wenchie, however, remains watertight, for three reasons. One, overhead plumbing. Whoever built this house was thinking. Two, my incredibly handy Husband installed TWO sump pumps. And three, the electricity is still on.
If the electricity goes, reasons one and two aren’t going to make much difference, and we will end up like our neighbors, just like last year – FUCKED.
As I stood in my kitchen yesterday, watching my neighbors carry buckets of water outside, watching Marion’s face as she simultaneously lived the current horror and re-lived last year’s horror, I racked my brain for something I could do.
They already had five people there cleaning up water. And really, once the toilet starts gushing, there’s only so much you can do before RUN!!! is the only viable option. Then the Lutheran inside of me spoke up and said:
Wenchie’s Inner Lutheran: They need a casserole.
PW: What.
WIL: A casserole! They need a casserole! STAT!
PW: A casserole isn’t going to plug up their toilet.
WIL: Lookit Marion. Does she look like she has the time and/or energy to fix her family the warm, balanced meal that they so desperately need after spending hours in cold, filthy water, trying to save their belongings?
PW: No.
WIL: Then get out the 9x13 pans, hon. It’s casserole time.
PW: I can’t do that. I’ll look retarded.
WIL: Why?
PW: Because they need soooooooo much more than a casserole right now!
WIL: But you don’t have super powers! You can’t make the water go away!
PW: I know.
WIL: But you can make a casserole.
PW: It just seems lame.
WIL: Don’t underestimate the power of comfort food! Where would you be without comfort food?!
PW: In size six jeans.
WIL: Don’t mock comfort food. The whole foundation of Lutheranism rests squarely on a good hot dish. You just can’t argue with chicken, rice and Miracle Whip.
Husband: You know, we should really bring some food to our neighbors.
PW: Really? That wouldn’t be weird?
H: No! It’s what neighbors do! Especially if they’re Lutheran.
PW: Okay!
H: Find a good casserole recipe and make me a shopping list – I’ll run to Jewel.
PW: I’ll make some chocolate chip cookies while you’re gone!
WIL: Oh, sure, you listen to him.
PW: Zip it, ya Garrison Keeler wannabe.
So I made four Kentucky Chicken & Wild Rice Casseroles.
And yes, they really did have Miracle Whip in them.
Posted at 01:08 PM | Comments (2)September 10, 2008
Advice to the Bride
Well, now that Becky has survived her honeymoon and the first week of back-to-school, it's time to further plagerize Art Linkletter and continue with some grade schoolers' advice to the bride.
And if you thought Amy's 1st graders were poetic, Sue, Becky and Steph's 3rd graders are downright profound!
[I have not edited these for spelling or grammer.]
you were a nice friend for me. I don't won't you to fight. I won't your marriage to be right for me. I am happy you have become a teacher and find a man for your self. when I grow up am going to be a teacher. ~Amra
Well, that sounds more like a eulogy than a wedding toast, but whatever.
Married people should be happy with each other. Not being mad at each other. they should have peace around their friendship. ~Sergio
*sigh* "Peace around their friendship." Is that not beautiful? Where was Sergio when I was single?
Oh. Right. In utero.
Married people should celebrate after they get married so they get to know each other. ~Darrian
Clearly, this boy has an arranged marriage in his future.
Married people should listen and agree whith each other. I wish married people never fight. ~Carlos
you should have a great time with some of your new life. life can be hard in a new life so you just pick one to be happy with your new life or no. All the time you cant let the day go fast late it go normal. ~Carla
Married people should always know if they love each other before they get married. You make sure that you get a good wedding dress.
Amen, sistah!
Marriage people should go on boats and a little bit of fun and some freedom togethere were they want. They should act happy. It is romatic to go dinning al a buffet that they like. They should be good dressed up. ~Ricardo
I hope you have a good mereg with your husden and dot'n figth wiht and have a nice baby. ~Bryan
To have a happy day don't keep secrets from each other. Tell your fiance to buy you a white bird. ~Freddy
A white bird???
I hope you get another good time with your husband. This is your dream come true. I am so happy that you are getting married. The rule is to love your husband. P.S. I hope you don't get a baby like Stewie or else he will kill you! ~Jin
Hee! How inappropriate that his parents let a third-grader watch "Family Guy," but still, that's hilarious.
To have a great merriage you should not fight. Don't have burning pictures.
Eek. I mean, seriously,... EEEEEEEEK! What the hell goes on at this kid's house?!
have good mother and you have to wash a clos and you have to kare the baby and you have to cook.
Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
to have a happy marriage you should never fight. do not cheat. be happy. always have love for them. ~Andrew
To have a nice marriage your husband should buy you a big car, buy you close, take care of you when you are sick, when you are working he will take care of the baby to. ~Damren
Okay, you gotta love this guy and his rich stay-at-home-dad outlook.
Have a happy wedding. Also this is advice for a good marriage first. you should not fight. Also you should not be mad at him. you should give Mr. Becky a back scratch. Also hug him. you should make your fiance the food that he likes. ~Brenda
Well, now, see, that's going to be a problem. Which is why I gave Becky recipe books for her wedding. What? That's a good present!
Posted at 03:34 PM | Comments (2)September 08, 2008
Eagle Poop
I've hired a speaker for this big event I'm planning at work, and I know I need to get a contract for her, but I have no idea how to go about it.
So I asked my co-worker, Chris, and got this reply.
Make small leather pouch, fill it with tobacco. Go down to the lake and throw it out as far as you can while singing this song.Oh hi-ne-gi nah-dv-ga ni-hi a-go-wa-dv
na-v-i hi-a de-ga-lv-yi l-lv-yi e-ga-hiIf an eagle poops on your car within 2 days, write the terms of the contract on a green piece of paper and throw it in the lake too.
You contract should be delivered to you within 4 months.
If nothing else, one must admire his total commitment to sarcasm.
Posted at 08:53 AM | Comments (1)September 05, 2008
More of "The Notorious Fierce Fourteen"
Back at their Ty-rrific house, the girls find gifts of clothing. "Model staples" like shoes, skinny jeans and black dresses.
Tyra Mail! "Fashion is not the only way to make a start." Or something. Translation: The girls have an election-issues-themed shoot with Mike Rosenthal. I love how Tyra keeps trying to make modeling relevent.
Marjorie is Immigration. Hee! Brittney is The Military. Clark is Bureaucracy, only she doesn't know what that word means. Hee!
Clark asks a couple girls who are as clueless as she is, and then she asks McKey. The look on McKey's face clearly says that she knows, but McKey tells her, "I'm not telling you." HA! Clark gets all pissy and indignant. I'm thinking that she doesn't know what Hypocrisy means, either.
Hannah is Nuclear Weapons. This is hilarious! I'm gonna bet that a hefty majority of these girls have never cracked a newspaper, let alone darkened the doorstep of a voting booth.
Isis is Privacy. There are other girls in the shot, behind the voting booth, in shadow. I think most of the girls are sympathetic to Isis, but somehow, the three picked to be behind her for the shoot are not fans. They cruelly heckle Isis the entire time.
But Isis doesn't take the bait. She merely says, "C'mon, ladies, don't do that," and continues to pose her ass off. I love her.
Sheena is Energy. And right outta the box, Jay tells her, "Don't make it hootch. If I see it getting hootchie, I'm going to yell Hootch! That's your signal." God love 'im, Jay can smell a hootchie-mama a mile away.
Jay tells Sharaun that her posing is "convaluted," but she doesn't know what that means. Jeebus H. Fierce-adellic Christ, PICK UP A BOOK, LADIES!!!
Samantha is... I can't read my handwriting. Lauren is Education. Nikeysha is Cloning. Would someone please tell me which political party is running on the Cloning platform? I need to vote for them. A solitary Bruce Campbell is just not enough Bruce for this world.
Tyra Mail! Someone's going home! I've got my list!
At Panel, Tyra gives a lecture on voting... and then segues right into prizes! Elite Modeling Agency, Seventeen Magazine, Cover Girl.
Marjorie's nerves are obvious, but her film was all good, and her photo is "divine."
Sharaun "loves to spread her legs." HA!
Clarks photos are "all the same." Elina is very sexy but "needs more neck."
Nakeysha's legs look awful, and she's got nothing but excuses. Uh-uh, honey -- no one argues with Tyra.
Samantha looks "healthy." Wow. That's kind of a backhanded compliment, no?
Analeigh is "strong."
And there's two girls who are "fierce" and "powerful and proud." But I don't know who they are. Husband was talking at me while I was watching and taking notes. What was he thinking?!?!
There was no discussion of Hannah's photo, only this exchange between her and Tyra:
"Is that a headband?"
"Yes."
"Take it off."
"Okay."
"It's too Gossip Girl."
"I love that show!"
"Oh my God, me, too!"
Weird. Deliberations!
Sheena looks "cute."
McKey's photo is "amazing," but her film "was a mess" until she started with the boxing poses. But she can't always pose like she's about to kick the photographer's ass, so she'd better learn some new material.
Lauren Brie looks like "an angel." I'm not seeing it. I think she's homely. And has a stupid name.
Isis "nails it." The judges whip out their spoons and hot fudge sauce and start eating her up. They say they can see the story behind the photo, and she's just beautiful. And they're right. Ironically, the bitches talking smack to her behind the booth probably helped create the "story" that the judges are now fawning over, so the joke is on them! I love her.
"J'adore Majorie," say the judges. As do I.
Elina takes a great photo.
Samantha needs a boy haircut to make her edgey cuz she's too commercial. Can't wait for the makeover episode!
Clark has the "worst photo of the bunch." I'm hoping that Clark gets a buzz cut, and then gets sent home right away. All for naught, little bitchy-witchy!
Joslyn is... good, I guess. I wasn't paying attention. Hannah is "a mess."
Sheena has "a rockin' body." McKey is "a knock-out."
Isis is "fantastic." The judges all agree that "she's a model." And more importantly? She's "smart." I'll bet Isis has read a book or two.
The girls are called back in to get their photos. As a new twist, the first girl called will get her photo digitally displayed on a screen in the house, so she can rub all the other girls' noses in it all week. And it's Marjorie! Wheeeeeeee!
Isis is called second. And everyone is called but Sharaun and Nikeysha because Sharaun is an idiot, and Nikeysha has already given up.
But Nikeysha gets her photo because arrogance is just bad manners, and Sharaun stupidly displayed hers in front of Nigel. Tsk tsk, Sharaun. She leaves sobbing.
I love it when the conceited chicks get their comeuppance.
Next week: Benny Ninja. Ick.
Posted at 02:43 PM | Comments (1)September 04, 2008
"The Notorious Fierce Fourteen"
This episode could also be called "The Bane of Uncle Twitchy's Existance." Yes, it's that time of year again. The machine that is "America's Next Top Model" comes to life for Cycle 11 to crank out another nobody who will be yesterday's news before the happy-tears even have time to dry.
A Tribue to Tyra's Limited Vocabulary
1. fierce-tastic
2. fierce-alicious
3. fierce-abulous
4. fierce-icity
5. fierce-acadabra
6. fierce-aful
7. fierce-errific
Enough already.
Thirty-three semi-finalists are in L.A. to be whittled down to fourteen.
Says Hannah from Fairbanks, Alaska, "Alaska is so different from L.A." Hannah's clear grasp of the obvious is, unfortunately, her only good attribute, as she is a homely, little thing.
Oh, holy shit. The Js are in platinum hair and silver jackets. I'm in fag-hag heaven! According to Tyra, the theme of Cycle 11 is The Future. Of which these girls have none. Tease!
The girls don bodysuits and patent leather character shoes, the likes of which Mary Poppins wore. And wore better than these no-class skanks, I might add. We are introduced to the Token Vegan-Lesbian Elina, who looks angry all the time, probably because she can't eat bacon; The Token Mormon; and The Token Asian Sheena, who is the most ghetto Asian chick I've ever seen in my life.
ANTM-tastic Quote: "I know how to have class and be sophisticated."
Miss J judges the girls' walks, all of which are beneath contempt. Then they introduce the girls to The Glaminator, which is a silver outhouse from a cheesy sci-fi movie, and tell them that each girl will go in and come out with a makeover.
ANTM-tastic Quote: "I didn't know they had that technology!"
Suddenly, The Glaminator goes crazy, and -- to the shock and awe of no one, except the 33 nitwits in the room -- out pops Tyra in a Miracle Bra, tap pants, leg warmers and a silk shrug. Truly boobalicious.
Oh my God. She addresses The Js as Alpha J and Beta Jay. I wonder how Miss J got to be the Alpha? He is clearly The Catcher in that pairing!
We get snippets of the girls interviewing in front of Tyra and The Js. One girl (I forget who) brings her lucky panties. Dear God, I hope she washed them. Analeigh was accidentally sold to a Saudi prince, but was rescued or something. And one can see how that happened cuz she's dumb as a baggie of fingernail clippings.
Says Clark, "I'll manipulate a girl with no problem if it gets me what I want." I guess The Token Girl Who Everyone Hates is white this year. And then she claims to be "strong." Because Total Fucking Bitch = Strong. Of course.
Marjorie is from Marsailles, France, but I love her despite her being a stinky frog. She's so cute! She reminds me of Audrey Tautou from that movie "Le Fabuleux destin d'Amelie Poulain."
The Token Mormon's parents checked her into a lockdown facility as a teenager when they discovered that she was having sex with her then-boyfriend. I wish I could remember which one she is!
Isis was in the "homeless shoot" from last season as one of the background runaways. She was "born in the wrong body" and is a pre-op tranny. But I'm not even going to mock her because she's less tranny than other girls I've seen on this show. Including half of the judges' panel.
Okay, maybe just once -- Guy-sis! Hee!
The girls all grill Isis and then spread the word amongst the others.
Sheena is from Harlem. Tyra thinks she's another Kimora Lee Simmons, in looks and attitude. God help us.
Lindsey is a plus-size model, but Tyra says she's not big enough. Man, I'd love to have Lindsey's problems. "Honey, you're gorgeous and perfectly-proportioned, but there's just not enough cake in your diet."
Hannah didn't have electricity or running water, growing up in Alaska. Isn't that child abuse?
Nikeysha has auditioned for ANTM over 30 times. She'd go to three different casting calls for each season. Or wait -- was that Joslyn? Oh, who cares.
Elina, the Lezzie-Veggie, dresses in only black and only wears pants. She doesn't like her clothing to be gender-specific. Oh great. She's fun. Gee, do you think modeling is going to entail wearing any gender-specific clothing? Can't we get Kim back, that cute lesbian from a couple seasons ago?
Whitney's Cover Girl commercial! She looks amazing! And I think they upped the production value because this one isn't as cheesey as the commercials with past winners. Husband comes out of his office to drool because he luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvs himself some booty-licious blonde!
And speaking of commercials, I'd like to go on record -- and I think I speak for everyone here when I say -- 90210 did NOT define my generation.
One of the girls pulls a cutlet out of her bra and throws it at Tyra. Miss J wears it on his head. Yes, class abounds.
The English Lit major from Harvard has read fewer books than Tyra.
The Js are now in hot pink spandex tops. They are faggo-rific! And silver pants! Hee! While the girls put on metallic cobalt blue catsuits for a photoshoot with big, silver balls.
After the photoshoot, they are whittled down to the final fourteen: Sheena the Ghetto Asian, Analeigh the Saudi Purchase, Nikeysha, Marjorie the Frog, Lauren Brie the Alien, Brittney the African-American-Native-American, McKey the Martial Artist (was she also Token Mormon?), Sharaun of the Lucky Panties (that's the one), Hannah Plain and Tall, Isis, Clark TTGWEH, Samantha the Unremarkable, Elina the LezVeg, and Joslyn.
The girls take a bus to their new crib, and some take a dip on the pool.
ANTM-tastic Quote: "The magic of tape!" -- Isis
Some of the girls are being really sweet to Isis, but Clark is off talking smack about her to Hannah, who says that there are no trannies in Alaska. I am so tired of hearing about what Alaska doesn't have.
Did I mention that the season premiere is a two-hour show? Well, it is. More tomorrow, bitches!
Posted at 11:43 AM | Comments (2)