September 15, 2008
"The Ladder of Model Success"
Okay, here's what happened. I had to go get another facial (complete with extractions) on Wednesday at 6:00. So before I left, I put a tape in the VCR and hit record.
No, I don't have TiVo.
No, I don't know how to set the timer on my VCR.
Leave. Me. Alone.
By the time I got home, the tape had run out. So I watched the last 20 minutes of it in real time, and then I watched what I could on the tape. In between real time and tape is TWENTY MINUTES OF HOOTCHY GOODNESS THAT I MISSED!
Someone needs to guest-blog the middle third of the show, or at least
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Sharaun was an arrogant 'tard -- an arrotard -- and got sent home for it. And rightly so.
The girls fuss and coo over Marjorie's digital art -- digitart -- while secretly plotting her death. I'm assuming. Meanwhile, Nikeysha talks to damn much.
Tyra Mail! "Don't get it twisted." "Bend over backwards." Even if he wasn't in the previews last week, we'd know it was twisted, backwards, freak-of-nature Benny Ninja. When was it decided that he was a show staple? I don't recall being consulted...
Benny tells the girls to think outside the box while posing, but also to think inside the box. My, what cleverness! There's a girl! In the box! Named Bree! Bree-in-the-box! Oh, I never tire of Tyra's antics!
Bree is a model and... "entertainer." So -- hooker, I presume. Wow, a tranny and a hooker! Tyra is like Jesus!
The girls have to pose inside sheer fabric tubes. Sheena brings the hootch. That girl can hootch from inside a fabric tube. Now that's talent! But Benny and Bree love Sheena, while hating Nikeysha, and pretty much everyone else. Hootch wins the day!
Tyra Mail! "Learn your lesson?" "In the bag." Lauren Brie thinks it's some kind of challenge with... posing. No, Lauren, it's Italian cooking. OF COURSE, IT'S ABOUT POSING, YOU DIM-WITTED TWAT! YOU WERE JUST POSING!!!
*pant* *pant* *pant* *compose*
The girls are in the pool playing Truth or Dare. Wow. It took them three and a half minutes to all go completely lezbo. Awesome! Someone dares Clark to kiss Elina.
Reminder -- Clark is the bitchasaurus from Smallsdale, Thedeepsouth. Elina is the bi-sexual vegan, who doesn't mind snacking on a fish taco once in a while. So it's not so much Clark kissing Elina as it is Elina sexually assaulting Clark. After which, Elina says she felt fireworks?
Really? Fireworks? From a uptight, cold fish? I don't care how hott she is -- bitches like her have sex with men. In the missionary position. In the dark. On Christmas and their anniversary. And that's it.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the pool, Hannah is clearly even more sexually repressed than Clark, who will at least give her boyfriend a handjob with a towel. She admits to being intimidated by all the sex talk.
Someone dares Isis to... I don't know, do water ballet. So she dances around and gets too close to Hannah, who shoves her away in a pretty aggressive manner.
Later on, in one of the bedrooms, Sheena and Brittney call her on it, but instead of calmly telling her that her behavior was unacceptable, they just get catty and gang up on her. In her defense, she pulls out the "typical white girl" defense, which TOTALLY pisses me off because a) don't be talking for me, you ignorant hick; and b) I have never shoved a black tranny.
Meanwhile Isis needs to give herself one of her hormone injections, and she asks Analeigh to distract her while she does it. I guess it takes a while to get all the dosage into her because she sits with that needle in her thigh for quite a while. Ow.
Analeigh is goofy and adorable and really sweet to Isis. It's a bonding moment. *tear*
The girls are taken to some dumpy, little theater with Benny Ninja and Tarina Tarantino. Her accessories... well, let's just say that I would never wear them. They look like something you could get out of a gumball machine. They're even too tacky to look good on Barbie. Oh my God, don't anyone buy me any of this crap for my birthday.
The girls must pose with one of her purses and be creative and whatnot. The prize is one of her purses filled with a bunch of her jewelry. Whoop-dee-shit. I might give you four bucks for the lot at a garage sale.
Isis is nauseated from her hormone injection, but she sucks it up and doesn't mention it to anyone. She tries really hard, but Tarina doesn't like her use of her toes.
Nikeysha totally screws it up by announcing, as she walks onto the set, that she has to pee. Classyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. But it's Sheena that fares the worst as she puts her ankles behind her ears and places the purse smack dab in the middle of her crotch. I hope that's not the same purse they are giving to the winner.
Tarina rates all the girls and rags on Sheena for not showing respect to the product. Elina wins because she was interesting and gave good face. Frankly, her posing wasn't all that great. I think she just sucked the least.
And this is where I loose time. Apparently, I miss a whole photo shoot with a hot air balloon.
...
Judging! It appears that, this season, instead of a big afro or flower boa, Miss J is wearing a big-ass, ghetto necklace with the number of girls left each week. And Tyra actually pointed it out, like we are all at home wondering, "What stupid, tacky-ass gimmick is Miss J going to come up with this season?"
Tarina is guest judge.
Analeigh... I miss what they say about her because Husband is actually talking at me.
Sam looks full-figured in her photo. Tyra tells her, "Shiney fabric is not your friend." Hannah's body has great angles, but her face doesn't cut it. Heh. I could've told them that.
Nikeysha is too thin in her photo. And in real life. TOO THIN! A MODEL! Tyra said they had to re-touch her photo to put some meat on her limbs. Jeebus, have a fucking sammich. Lauren Brie looks like a beautiful, brown-down doll. And AGAIN, I don't know how this fish-faced broad keeps taking awesome photos.
McKey looks like the love-child of Poison Ivy and The Joker. Hee! The judges are nerds! Clark looks like she could work in Europe. So basically -- Eurotrash.
Isis has confidence and looks sexy. Marjorie's photo looks like she has no nose, but the judges love how she's a chameleon and can change her look so dramatically with just a wig.
They think that Elina looks like Angelina Jolie, and I think that's like saying that someone looks like Marilyn Monroe -- there's just no fucking way.
Nigel calls Sheena's posing "Victoria's Secret-ion," and I laugh so loud that Daisy starts barking upstairs. Paulina asks her if her breasts are fake, and she says No. I'm not buying it, and neither are the judges. They look ridiculous in her photo.
Brittney looks very pretty, like a high-end catalogue model. So, like, Coach? Joslyn is effortlessly fabulous and strong.
Tyra excuses the girls to the holding dank while they deliberate, but before they go, Sheena asks to come speak to the judges. Immediately, Tyra's hackles go up, and I brace myself for something awesome.
But it's only Sheena coming forward to tell the panel what we all already know -- that the titties are fake. Something dumb she did and reguets, blah, blah, blah. Tyra switches into "The Tyra Show" mode and applauds her for coming forward and telling the truth.
Deliberations!
Analeigh is intersting. Yeah, I like her. Sam has potential but needs a pixie-cut makeover. Miss J fake-cries in a creepy imitation of things to come. Hannah is... earnest. Awwwwww, poor Hannah.
They dis Nikeysha. In contrast, they declare that Lauren Brie's photo is in the Top Five Ever On ANTM. Sheena had her Tarina handbag in her crotch, and they can't even get over that to discuss her photo. Hee!
McKey has potential. Clark needs a scrub down. And I know a lezbo-vego who'd love to do the honors! Isis is falling apart, and it shows in her dreadful photo.
Marjorie is fantastic. Elina is more advanced than the other girls. Brittney has not proven that she is high-fashion. Joslyn is, again, effortless.
Tyra calls the girls and gives them their photos. The first girl called and this week's "digitart" is Lauren Brie. God, I'm just not seeing it!
Also called -- Elina, Joslyn, Marjorie, McKey, Sam, Sheena (who is visibly shocked as hell to be called), Hannah, Clark, Brittney and Analeigh.
Nikeysha and Isis are in the Bottom Two. Isis better not go home!
Nikeysha's film is mediocre, which she argues and can't shut her damn mouth and Tyra is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO over her! Isis started out on top and has slid down to the bottom. Is she a good model with one bad photo, or a bad model with one good photo? Ohhh, you're makin' Mama Tyra need a drink!
Isis stays! YAY! Must like Tyra picking a plus-sized model as the winner last season because she was tired of taking photos with skinny bitches, she wants to keep a fellow tranny around to keep her looking more feminine.
Nikeysha goes, "I guess I'll be an anesthesiologist." HAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! You go, girl! And take those tacky shoes with you! She keeps running her mouth over the end credits. Okay, now that's funny.
Next week -- MAKEOVERS!!!! I wish I could watch that one with Billi. It's always my favorite!
Comments
The only think I remember from the balloon shoot was that Sheena struck a pose biting one of the ladder rungs and got called out for looking hoochy
- and the balloons/ladders were supposed to be mid-air but the wind made it too dangerous i think. would've been more entertaining if they were all flapping in the wind...oh well.
Posted by: lolly at September 15, 2008 10:44 PM