September 04, 2008
"The Notorious Fierce Fourteen"
This episode could also be called "The Bane of Uncle Twitchy's Existance." Yes, it's that time of year again. The machine that is "America's Next Top Model" comes to life for Cycle 11 to crank out another nobody who will be yesterday's news before the happy-tears even have time to dry.
A Tribue to Tyra's Limited Vocabulary
1. fierce-tastic
2. fierce-alicious
3. fierce-abulous
4. fierce-icity
5. fierce-acadabra
6. fierce-aful
7. fierce-errific
Enough already.
Thirty-three semi-finalists are in L.A. to be whittled down to fourteen.
Says Hannah from Fairbanks, Alaska, "Alaska is so different from L.A." Hannah's clear grasp of the obvious is, unfortunately, her only good attribute, as she is a homely, little thing.
Oh, holy shit. The Js are in platinum hair and silver jackets. I'm in fag-hag heaven! According to Tyra, the theme of Cycle 11 is The Future. Of which these girls have none. Tease!
The girls don bodysuits and patent leather character shoes, the likes of which Mary Poppins wore. And wore better than these no-class skanks, I might add. We are introduced to the Token Vegan-Lesbian Elina, who looks angry all the time, probably because she can't eat bacon; The Token Mormon; and The Token Asian Sheena, who is the most ghetto Asian chick I've ever seen in my life.
ANTM-tastic Quote: "I know how to have class and be sophisticated."
Miss J judges the girls' walks, all of which are beneath contempt. Then they introduce the girls to The Glaminator, which is a silver outhouse from a cheesy sci-fi movie, and tell them that each girl will go in and come out with a makeover.
ANTM-tastic Quote: "I didn't know they had that technology!"
Suddenly, The Glaminator goes crazy, and -- to the shock and awe of no one, except the 33 nitwits in the room -- out pops Tyra in a Miracle Bra, tap pants, leg warmers and a silk shrug. Truly boobalicious.
Oh my God. She addresses The Js as Alpha J and Beta Jay. I wonder how Miss J got to be the Alpha? He is clearly The Catcher in that pairing!
We get snippets of the girls interviewing in front of Tyra and The Js. One girl (I forget who) brings her lucky panties. Dear God, I hope she washed them. Analeigh was accidentally sold to a Saudi prince, but was rescued or something. And one can see how that happened cuz she's dumb as a baggie of fingernail clippings.
Says Clark, "I'll manipulate a girl with no problem if it gets me what I want." I guess The Token Girl Who Everyone Hates is white this year. And then she claims to be "strong." Because Total Fucking Bitch = Strong. Of course.
Marjorie is from Marsailles, France, but I love her despite her being a stinky frog. She's so cute! She reminds me of Audrey Tautou from that movie "Le Fabuleux destin d'Amelie Poulain."
The Token Mormon's parents checked her into a lockdown facility as a teenager when they discovered that she was having sex with her then-boyfriend. I wish I could remember which one she is!
Isis was in the "homeless shoot" from last season as one of the background runaways. She was "born in the wrong body" and is a pre-op tranny. But I'm not even going to mock her because she's less tranny than other girls I've seen on this show. Including half of the judges' panel.
Okay, maybe just once -- Guy-sis! Hee!
The girls all grill Isis and then spread the word amongst the others.
Sheena is from Harlem. Tyra thinks she's another Kimora Lee Simmons, in looks and attitude. God help us.
Lindsey is a plus-size model, but Tyra says she's not big enough. Man, I'd love to have Lindsey's problems. "Honey, you're gorgeous and perfectly-proportioned, but there's just not enough cake in your diet."
Hannah didn't have electricity or running water, growing up in Alaska. Isn't that child abuse?
Nikeysha has auditioned for ANTM over 30 times. She'd go to three different casting calls for each season. Or wait -- was that Joslyn? Oh, who cares.
Elina, the Lezzie-Veggie, dresses in only black and only wears pants. She doesn't like her clothing to be gender-specific. Oh great. She's fun. Gee, do you think modeling is going to entail wearing any gender-specific clothing? Can't we get Kim back, that cute lesbian from a couple seasons ago?
Whitney's Cover Girl commercial! She looks amazing! And I think they upped the production value because this one isn't as cheesey as the commercials with past winners. Husband comes out of his office to drool because he luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvs himself some booty-licious blonde!
And speaking of commercials, I'd like to go on record -- and I think I speak for everyone here when I say -- 90210 did NOT define my generation.
One of the girls pulls a cutlet out of her bra and throws it at Tyra. Miss J wears it on his head. Yes, class abounds.
The English Lit major from Harvard has read fewer books than Tyra.
The Js are now in hot pink spandex tops. They are faggo-rific! And silver pants! Hee! While the girls put on metallic cobalt blue catsuits for a photoshoot with big, silver balls.
After the photoshoot, they are whittled down to the final fourteen: Sheena the Ghetto Asian, Analeigh the Saudi Purchase, Nikeysha, Marjorie the Frog, Lauren Brie the Alien, Brittney the African-American-Native-American, McKey the Martial Artist (was she also Token Mormon?), Sharaun of the Lucky Panties (that's the one), Hannah Plain and Tall, Isis, Clark TTGWEH, Samantha the Unremarkable, Elina the LezVeg, and Joslyn.
The girls take a bus to their new crib, and some take a dip on the pool.
ANTM-tastic Quote: "The magic of tape!" -- Isis
Some of the girls are being really sweet to Isis, but Clark is off talking smack about her to Hannah, who says that there are no trannies in Alaska. I am so tired of hearing about what Alaska doesn't have.
Did I mention that the season premiere is a two-hour show? Well, it is. More tomorrow, bitches!
Comments
holy crap that was a long recap - and you say this is just part 1? I'm going to have to see if I can get an intern so I can have time to keep up!
also? of COURSE husband loves boobalicious blondes.
and? I believe it's just called Amelie here, you elitist frog-lover!
Posted by: heather at September 4, 2008 12:07 PM
I can't believe you didn't mention the THREE Brittanys (Brittanies?) and that 2 of them had to pick new names. AND that the Brittany from Chicago (now Sharaun) is a TOTAL EGOTISTICAL BIYATCH! She's going to give us city girls a bad name. Introducing herself to everyone one as THE ANTM and then saying she's not arrogant and cocky! Pul-EEZE!
Posted by: sue at September 4, 2008 05:09 PM