September 22, 2008
"You're Beautiful, Now Change"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Wenchie wishes she had TiVo. Husband wants it, too, but we're both too lazy to actually order it, so we're each hoping the other one will break down and get it.
Britney is fretting because she's merely "pretty" and not edgey enough. Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. "I'm too pretty! Waaaaaaaaanh! Get a real problem, bitch. Like rosacea! You wanna see my face after I have a glass of wine? It's not pretty!
Analeigh is sad and feels like she disappointed the Panel. Well, then, you're toast. And now you have a bigger problem. After eliminations, how are you going to find the front door with none of the other girls there to show you, you STUPID, STUPID GIRL?!
Tyra shows up at the house with her tiara and wand. I'm starting to think that this show is just a forum for Tyra to act out her bizarre fantasies. She has tiaras for all the girls (smaller than hers, of course) and little princess gift bags. Oh, man, that's so cool. I want Tyra to throw me a birthday party.
I'm totally doing a Princess Party for my 41st. See, this year, it's a Pirate Party. Next year, for my 40th, I'm doing an 80s Dance Party. So for my 41st -- Princess Party!!!
Anyhoo, Tyra tells this story about how, when she was twenty, in Italy, some agency said she had to loose fifteen lbs. because she was getting too much boobie and booty. But instead of listening to them, she ordered pizza and decided to market herself to Victoria's Secret and Sports Illustrated. Because, ya know -- boobies.
The point is, she "madeover" her image and her career, and the girls are getting... MAKEOVERS!!! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
But before the girls get too excited, in comes Miss J dressed as the evil witch from Snow White. And he's carrying apples. And he gives one to Tyra. And I guess all that talk of pizza made her hungry becauase she takes a bite of the apple... and faints. Because it's not beer-battered.
Oh, wait. It gets better. And by better, I mean much, much gayer. Because in comes Jay dressed as Prince Coutoure. Yeah, they went there. Prince Coutoure revives Tyra with a kiss.
...
Nah, too easy.
Tyra wakes up but is much too woozy to talk about makeovers, so she tells the girls that Jay and Miss J are going to have to take care of them. And then... JAY CARRIES TYRA OUT OF THE ROOM! CARRIES! And there are no wires! Dude is strong!
The girls go so Neil-George Salon, where all the mirrors are covered. They don't get to see their makeovers until it's all done. Well, at least they're postponing the crying.
Marjorie gets brown hair, which is awesome cuz it really brings out her eyes, and that platinum shit was, well... shit. Joslyn gets a wavy weave. Meanwhile, Jay gives Elina a pep talk about "letting go" or something.
Sam get her hair chopped, and she weeps, but it's soooooooo cute! Really blond and sassy and makes her cheekbones look insane! Hannah gets bangs and a blunt cut, and they dye her hair darker, and I can't believe what a huge different it makes.
Clark goes dark with wavey layers, but they can't makeover her personality, so I don't know why they bother. Lauren Brie goes platinum, which apparently makes her even stupider, because what the hell is she doing with her hands in this photo?
What the...? Why did they give Sheena highlights?! I'm sorry, but she's half Asian. Asian's have black, glossy, sleek, FLAWLESS hair! Why mess with that and give her chunky highlights like some soccer mom?! Ugh!
Analeigh gets some highlights, some layers. Not a big difference. On the other hand, Miss J tells Elina that she's getting something done that's a First Ever In Top Model History!!! Oooh, finally something interesting. She wants a long, long weave. We'll see!
McKey gets her hair short and black, and she is stunning. Isis gets a weave, and she's... a tranny with a weave.
Brittany suffers from Catalogue Syndrome, so to give her some edginess, they give her a... weave. Can I just say -- why is it that Tyra can't think of anything to do to black girls except give them weaves? Miss J tells her, "I can see you as the trophy wife of a football player." Hee! More emo from her about being pretty. If she'd just stop with the crying and make with the cutting herself, I'd be enjoying this show a lot more.
Elina's big shocker is that they give her red, curly hair via a weave. What?! They can do that?! I WANT ONE! She looks hott. I'm so jealous.
Tyra Mail! Something about "working the late shift." A photo shoot about prostitution! YAY! But no, they just go to WalMart. HA! I love it when they do that. Tyra's all, "This is about high-fashion coutour." And then takes them to WalMart.
Sutan is there, and again, we just don't see enough of him! I want Sutan and Jay to have their own spin-off. "America's Next Top Queen." Crissy Barker, Nigel's wife, is there, too. Nigel must've put that in his contract or something because, for the life of me, I can't figure out her purpose.
Sutan and Chrissy unveil Whitney's Cover Girl WalMart display, and I must say, that broad classes up the joint. I love her, but not as much as Husband does. He starts licking the t.v. screen, and I know he's going to be thinking of her during sex tonight.
There's a TruBlend make-up display -- you know, the stuff that makes Drew Barrymore look orange in her commercial. The girls each have to film a 30-second commercial -- sans script! I love it when they just set the girls up for a trainwreck. The prizes are a $1,000 gift card to WalMart and photos on both the Cover Girl website and WalMart.com.
Surprisingly, Hannah does really well. I think she's growing on me. Analeigh sucks. She actually says "Yo," at the end. I hope she goes home because that vapid voice is killing me. Brittany is horrible, too, proving to the world that she really isn't anything more than pretty. Self-fulfilling prophecy much?
Marjorie is cute, but she say Walgreens instead of WalMart. Hey, it's an easy mistake. Sam is great, if you don't mind the Valley accent.
Sutan and Crissing tell Hannah that she's incredible, and tell Analeigh that she's a "hood rat." What's a hood rat? Hannah is the winner, obviously, and she's so excited that "I can Google myself!" Oh, Lord.
Tyra Mail! Are you suited to be ANTM? The girls think swim suits. I'm hoping Tyra is a bit more clever than that and the girls will be in men's suits or suits of armor or something. But no, it's swim suits.
Appropo of nothing, Elina says that she doesn't like her mom. Oh, I didn't realize she was thirteen. The other girls are like, "Does she pay the bills? Feed you? Let you live in her house? Then what's the problem?!"
Elina admits that, yes, her mom takes good care of her, and they hang-out and stuff, but her mom never encouraged her to show her feelings or something, and that's why she hates her. Okay, this is Elina.
Brittany calls her on her retardedness and tells her that she's "ungrateful" and "an evil bitch." She says that Elina is just using her mom. Elina gets pissy (like, what did she expect???) and tries to end the conversation... that she started. Brittany calls her "psycho." Hmmm, maybe there will be some cutting after all?
Then we get a heartbreaking montage of Analeigh trying out faces in the mirror and looking like ass, despite coaching from Marjorie and Isis. Go home, Analeigh! If a French broad and a drag queen can't teach you to be fabulous, NO ONE CAN!
The girls are taken to a beach house for the photo shoot, where Tyra tells them that she was the first black model on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Rose Parks would be pround, I'm sure.
The swimsuits the girls will be modeling are by Susan Holmes. Some apparently famous designer that I've never heard of. And today, the girls will be posing without direction from Jay. *gasp* He's pushing the little birdies out of the nest so soon! I hope this isn't Tyra's doing -- weaning Jay from the show.
Analeigh poses on a rock and is both as sexy as, and as dumb as, a barnacle. Hannah is doing some psycho shit with her eyes. Brittany keeps stressing about being pretty. She's got no range.
The photographer loves Sam. Elina is finally happy with her hair and pulls off some good shots. She's got tattoos on her stomach and arm that are just not going to work in the high-fashion world.
If you take nothing away from this blog, take this:
FOREARM TATTOOS ARE NEVER, EVER, EVER A GOOD IDEA.
I cannot stress this enough. There are only a few places you can have a career with forearm tattoos -- gas station, record store, tattoo parlor. Just say no, people.
Isis confesses to Jay that she's worried about hiding her package. I mean, it's one thing to wear a bathing suit in a pool a night, and quite another to be parading around in broad daylight. The photographer and designer don't know she's not 100% female, but I think the photographer has a clue when he says she's "difficult to shoot" because of the weird angles of her face.
Tyra Mail! Panel! Please God, let Analeigh and/or Brittany go home. I can't stand either one of them for another episode. The judges call the girls forward and check out their photos.
Sheena looks serene and lovely, which is certainly a 180 from the ghetto-fab that we see in person. Analeigh's arms are some scary shit, like the tree branches from "Poltergeist." And now I'm going to have nightmares, thankyouvermuch.
Clark looks bitter and angry in every photo, and her lips are practically non-existant. But that hair really makes her eyes pop! Hannah looks Euro-sexy, but her poses are all too alike.
Lauren Brie is gorgeous. How does she do that? She's homely in person! Brittany isn't "present" during the shoot. Then they shouldn't have told her to "be yourself!"
McKey needs to think outside of the box (as does anyone who still uses that phrase in ernest), but her photo is... oooooooooooooh. Wow. Isis looks sleepy. Her face had no variety, but her poses were good.
Marjorie looks like she's in an ad for a high-end boutique, but they wish they could see more of the suit. Sam just drawn Paulina into the photo. They are impressed with the way she can just "turn it on."
Elina looks smokin'. They tell her that tatts, in general, are a terrible idea for a model, but they kind of worked here so they didn't airbrush them out. The judges love Joslyn's poses. She has power and "poses in motion."
Deliberations!
Sheena "needs more power." And a chin reduction. Analeigh's face is dull... nah, too easy. Clark is not photogenic.
Lauren Brie looks bad in person but taking amazing photos. Brittany has no "wow factor." Sam is gorgeous.
Hannah looks great when she's messy. Isis is stuck. Loooooooove Marjorie!
McKey is fantastic. Elina really delivered and "owned" her new hair. Joslyn -- love it.
The girls come back in, and Tyra starts calling names. Elina is the first called and this week's "digitart." Then Lauren, Sam, McKey, Sheena, Joslyn, Marjorie, Clark, Isis and Hannah get called. Leaving Brittany and Analeigh in the Bottom Two.
Brittany is just not connecting with the camera. Analeigh is just all-around disappointing, but she stays anyway, and I get to listen to her voice for another episode. Tyra tells Brittany to go home and start looking at European fashion magazines.
Next week, the girls practice walking on a bowling alley and are in their first fashion show.