October 07, 2008
"Natural Beauty"
What up, bitches!!!!!!!!!!!
I just got off of eight and a half straight days of work -- several of the days twelve hours long, or longer -- and now I'm going on vacation for a week. Doesn't leave much time for blogging, this life of polar opposites I lead. I have two pages of scribbled notes here, but I really need to keep it short cuz I gotta PACK.
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Hannah and Isis left, and Jeremy Scott threw a hissy fit worthy of The Girl Child.
Clark makes some snarky comment on her digitart saying, "It's lonely at the top." Well, stupid, arrogant cunts ususally are lonely, so I can't disagree on any particular point...
Tyra Mail! If it "doesn't fit," don't be "clothes minded."
The girls are taken to some empty warehouse, where Paulina is lurking, wearing a hideous outfit. Jeebus, this town has more empty warehouses than Sunnydale. Paulina tells them how to transform shitty catalogue clothes with the help of tape, water bottles and chicken cutlets.
Each girl gets a pink hard hat and pink toolbelt. I need me a pink toolbelt. The girls get ugly, ill-fitting clothes they have to make look good.
Marjorie asides that she doesn't see the judges as people she can talk to. *sigh* In the words of Calamity Jane on HBO's unwashed, F-bomb-saturated masterpiece Deadwood, "Welcome to the fuckin' club of most of us!"
Have I mentioned that, when I was little, a friend of the family nicknamed me Calamity Jane? It's true. I was a dead shot with a BB gun, man.
Paulina judges, but not in the funny, drunken-sailor kind of way that dear Janice did: Clark looks like a 60 year old lady. Please. Clark wishes she looks as good as Janice.
Marjorie sucks, and Paulina's flippant criticism causes her to blanche and lean on a pillar for support. Seriously, all of a sudden, she's Blanche DuBois. Paulina asks if she's going to throw up. The other girls rush to her defense and tell Paulina that Marjorie is just nervous. Marj says she has a strong "rejection impulse." Whatever that is. Must be some French thing.
In a moment of humanity probably programmed by her creators, Paulina empathizes with Marj and tell her that, "I have it, too. It's the socially acceptable way to be in Europe."
To which Samantha asides, "Welcome to America. You're not in France anymore." Hee!
The winner of the challenge, McKey, gets 50 extra frames at their next shoot.
Tyra Mail! "Are you a force of nature or a total disaster?"
More whining from Marj. The girls are nice at first and tell her it's all in her head, but then they get sick of her crap and start pecking at the bloody spot. Marj freaks out. *yawn*
Oooh! Whitney makes cupcakes in her commercial! Okay, I can totally believe that Whitney eats cupcakes in real life, and that's why I love her. I want to eat cupcakes with Whitney.
The girls are taken to Siren Studios. The set is a scale model of a city. Jay comes out in a monster suit and, with the help of a strobe light, makes the girls scream. Jeebus, they're retarded. The girls are going to be L.A. natural disasters.
As an earthquake, Elina earns high praise from Jay, who tells her that she's "not that bad." Sheena gives him lots of variety as a sandstorm. (Garrance -- Do you suppose she got sand in her vagina?)
Clark is a black-out, and a wash-out, apparently, because Jay says that she "doesn't look pretty at all." Lauren Brie is a snowstorm. Joslyn is a landslide, and Jay tells her to "go back to the way you were" at the beginning of the show. Ya know -- good.
Analeigh is the Santa Anna winds. McKey portrays a heatwave, and Jay goes, "Finally, we have a model show up to the set!" Hee! Samanatha "creates a wall of water" as a tidal wave.
Have I mentioned they're all in mod fashions and make-up? Totally cute.
Marjorie is a "traffic jam," which... I'm not sure is a natural disaster. Jay calls her a "broken Barbie doll." Marj's verdict? "I failed."
Back at the house, Clark is stoked that she's currently in the number one spot. Wait. Was she at her photo shoot? You can't rest on your laurels, girlie. Especially when you don't even know what that means.
Judging! The guest judge is some person who took some photos of Jaslene.
Marjorie gets another pep talk from Paulina.
Lauren Brie is "too posey."
Samantha is "ex-squirt-site." Yes, Miss J really said that.
Clark showed "no emotion."
Elina looks "mean but pretty."
Sheena was "having fun."
Analeigh -- "body good, film great, need more face."
http://www.cwtv.com/thecw/gen-gallery-antm11-models/7/7 is "a mess."
McKey causes a disagreement between Nigel and Tyra.
Deliberations!
Marjorie has "improved weekly." Or did they say "improved weakly?" The judges mention her insecurity, and Paulina educates them about the bitter, negative attitude of all Europeans because they are all alike, no matter where they're from or what kind of life they live.
Lauren Brie is "cheese on ice." Samantha is "a ham, but cute." Clark's "sparkle is gone."
Elina remains uptight. Some of the judges think that Sheena is "magic," but since Sheena isn't European, Paulina thinks that she doesn't have the looks.
Analeigh... I wrote "not photo genie." What does that mean? Joslyn showed great potential, but now she's struggling. McKey's photo wasn't "melty enough."
Tyra calls Samantha to be this week's digitart, remarking that she went "from the bottom to the top." Then she calls Analeigh, McKey, Elina, Marjorie, Lauren Brie and Sheena, leaving Joslyn and Clark in the Bottom Two.
Joslyn has gone from good to bad. Clark has gone from bad to okay. But Joslyn has a great personality, so she gets to stay. YAY! Oh, how the mighty bitch has fallen!
Clark's sobby, snotty farewell is accompanied by... a tiara. Is that, like, a parting gift that Tyra gives all the girls? We keep seeing tiara's in the good-bye interviews. Well, I'm not going to lose sleep over it.
Next week: Tyra teaches the girls about signature poses. Lord, save me from Tyra in a miracle bra.
Shortest. ANTM. Recap. EVAH!!!
Hey, Sue, don't forget to TiVo the next two episodes for me!