October 30, 2008
"The Fierce Awards"
The rough draft of this recap was typed in a swanky hotel room in Fish Creek, WI, after a meal of wine cheese, crackers and lo-cal Sprecher root beer. Pure. Awesome.
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," continued employment thwarts Wenchie’s dream of sitting on her ass and blogging all day long, and the girls make pancakes and tofu. Elina rags about her mom controlling her and blames her mom for her own control issues. Lauren Brie pines for a personality.
The tattoo on Elina's abdomen says “a voice for those who cannot speak." Oh, whatever. If Elina's abdomen could speak, it would say, "Feed me some fucking bacon!!"
The girls are taken to a studio dressing room. Tyra Mail! And tyra comes in wearing her hootchie mail outfit. Tyra reads some bad poetry -- badly -- about signature looks.
The girls change into black dresses and heels. Tyra is posing in the next room. Her boobs are supernatural, I swear to God. Tyra's signature pose is, apparently, that creepy smile-with-your-eyes thing that she does. To which Husband says, "No, sorry, it’s your boobs."
The girls get to shoot 20 frames of film, which will then be critiqued by Tyra, and then they get 20 more so they can correct all the stupid shit she will tell them they're doing.
Analeigh’s signature is her iceskating legs, so she says, but she's got weird lip tension, and too much repetition in her poses. Tyra gave her a 7. McKey decides that over-the-shoulder will be her thing. She does great, considering her Audrey Hepburn-neck is her strength.
Sam thinks that her signature is her hands, since Nigel liked them so much in the water. But Tyra says she can’t think about them too much or they don't look natural. Lauren Brie wants her signature to be awkward, but Tyra says that she's more "surfer dope chick." Oh, that's disheartening. All the other girls think LB is boring, and they're right. Tyra calls her empty, and she cries. Because life is a parade where the candy is pain.
Sheena's signature is "diva-esque. Not hootchie." Yeah, good luck with that. Tyra tells her to "think cultural dance" i.e. African. Damn. I wanted to see Sheena thinking "Finnish folk dance." Joslyn's signature is to “pose kinda wide.” Hoooooo-kay. Tyra tells her that her profile is better than full-on, so maybe that should be her signature.
Elina is too catalogue. Tyra tells her that she’s magic when she lets go. Yeah, she really blows me away for that nano-second of unrestrained passion. Marjorie is in character as the hunchback of Notre Dame. She plays up her awkwardness and makes it beautiful.
I was thinking of reading that book, The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Is it worth a read? Or is it one of those over-rated "classics" like The Great Gatsby or Catcher in the Rye?
Tyra announces that “this was a challenge.” No! Say it ain't so! The inner and a friend gets fucking diamonds. Bitches. Marjorie wins because "she had a character." She chooses Analeigh to win diamonds with her. “They’re the little couple of the house,” Sam says. Only Sam doesn't seem to think it's as cute as I do.
The two girls go to "Diamond Hut," where Analeigh picks a $2,300 peace sign. Fucking hippie. Wait, isn't a $2,300 peace sign kind of an oxymoron? Shouldn't she be saving the rain forest with that $2,300? Marjorie picks some $8,700 square pendant. Oh my God. Children not old enough to have yet developed a sense of taste should not be allowed to choose their own jewelry!
Tyra mail! “You better bring it or you’re never gonna work in this town again.” The girls are taken to a huge, amazing theatre, which Sheena describe as “off the hizzle.” Wha??? Jay is on stage in a tux. He looks fab. I so want him for my own gay.
The photo shoot is with some hot male models. Tyra has invented some "Fiercity Awards Show" that is the theme of the shoot. The girls have to act out some Most Embarassing Moments, like a scene from the awards show.
Marjorie is in a fabulous turban. When I'm old, I'm gonna wear turbans. Her schtick is that she’s in the john, has to pee and can’t get out of her dress. She’s awesome and awkward and hilarious. She accidentally flushes the toilet with her foot, and Jay laps her up. Golden showers, anyone?
Sam has to read cue cards poorly, using her signature hands. Soooooo... sign language? I don't get it.
Elina is supposed to be an over-emotional actress. Ha! Tyra really set her up to fuck with her, and she does. Ah, the hauty cunts are always the first to dissemble, aren't they?
Husband wakes up from his nap to watch Whitney jiggle through her latest commercial.
Elina is clearly stressed about having to cry. Jay tells her to try to feel "not good enough." She opens up to Jay, and it’s such... vulgar Oprah porn. Vomit. They hug.
Lauren Brie has to work her surfer signature pose while she’s tripping on her gown. She looks like a mannequin. McKey's character is believing that she’s going to win, but loses. Forshadowing, anyone? Actually, I think she's got a damn good shot at the title.
Backstage, Marjorie and Sheena fondle Marj’s fake-boob cutlets.
For Sheena's photo, someone steps on her gown. She reels it in too much and, as a result, isn’t pretty or believable. Joslyn is wearing the same gown as some other ho, while I take a potty break.
Analeigh is a red carpet interviewer with attitude. Jay tells her, “You do bitchy really well!”
Tyra Mail! Judging! Sam dons her glasses and tries the Rubik’s cube. Hee! Look -- she's trying to think!
And just to clear up any misconceptions, I am NOT watching "Stylista." Anne Slowey can’t walk in heels. She's bitchy, but not funny-bitchy, just toddler-who-needs-a-nap bitchy. I’ll be watching "Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency," thank you.
Dear Lord, is Tyra wearing a hoodie or a veil or a burka or what? It’s weird and gay. Could Miss J have any more foundation on? Oh, Tyra's wearing a hood "because the photos were theatrical." Little Black Riding Hood.
Mckey is beautiful and took her best photo, yet. Still, it needed more emotion and didn't quite convey her little scenario, which I think was a crappy idea to begin with.
Sheena looks classy. "The Shanghi Lil look," they call it. Really? But she lost her eyeballs because she didn’t cheat; she looked to far to the side.
The photographer was impressed with Analeigh. She looks exasperated but is still modeling.
Samantha was supposed to be blinded by the bright lights. She looks sad but doesn’t portray the story.
Joslyn has the prettiest shot of the day. She tears up because she hates her nose, but the judges love her profile.
Marjorie is wearing her diamond necklace. She’s extraordinary and incredible, in an extreme pose but has a relaxed mouth. Tyra loveslovesloves that Marjorie used her advice from the previous shoot!
Lauren Brie isn't believable in that she doesn't look like she's falling; she looks like she’s floating. She "doesn’t ugly it enough," so Miss J and Paulina rag on her because there aren't any helpless kittens around for them to skin and eat raw.
Elina isn’t over-emotional enough. Elina cries at panel as the judges rag on her. She’s broken, and Tyra staged it all because she loves that shit.
You know, I don’t even have a favorite at this point. This show is feeling hollow. There’s no real Token Girl That Everyone Hates, and there’s no favorite for me. I need to bet someone to make it interesting. Any takers? Shall we all put in $10 and make a pool?
Deliberations!
Sheena has great legs, but she's not a model. While Mckey’s potential is coming out more and more.
Analeigh is proving Paulina wrong by doing great the last two weeks. Nigel likes Samantha (as does Husband), but the ladies don’t like the photo.
Joslyn is great. Marj was photographer’s fav. Tyra says, "J’adore how she is making a pee-pee." Hee!
Elina needs to let go without feeling like she’s humiliating herself. But if humiliating herself is the only way she can do it, I'm fine with that. Lauren Brie has a strong face that photographs well,... but not this week.
Time for Tyra to call the girls to get their photos This weeks digitart is Marjorie! She’s wide-eyed. Digitart AND challenge winner! Tyra then calls Analeigh, McKey, Samantha, Elina and Joslyn, leaving Lauren Brie and Sheena in the Bottom Two.
The girls are "so different," and we get a variation of the same speech Tyra makes every week to the Bottom Two. LB is interesting and oddly beautiful but lacks personality. Sheena shines but is not modelesque, too sexy.
Sheena stays. You know how Tyra loves the personality. Sheena needs to find the balance between hootchie and flat. Tyra tells Lauren Brie that "personality not about relating to people in your circle and being nice." She cries and doesn’t do the group hug. Bitter! Hey, she's developing a personality already!
Next episode: They shoot a Cover Girl commercial. Sheena and Elina sharpen their claws on each other. Ghetto vs. Lesbo Repressed Vegan.
Comments
I'll bet you $10 that Marjorie is going to win. For reals.
Posted by: Shannon Erin at November 4, 2008 09:41 AM