October 31, 2008
"Top Model Confidential"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," we were forced to sit through a commercial for "Sylista" that was longer than your average movie trailer.
Which is only slightly more annoying than the clip show that follows. I'll just briefly recap the stuff we haven't seen before. Don't blink.
Isis: I prefer "born in the wrong body."
Sheena: I prefer "transvestite."
Before the girls are taken to the house, they are given ugly clutch purses, one of which holds the key to the house. Whoever has the key gets the first pick of beds.
Did we mention that there aren't enough beds for all of the girls? How mean. Sam doesn't get a bed, so she builds a little... nest. On the floor. Jeebus Cripes, there has to be six couches in the house! She couldn't sleep on one of those?! Martyr.
Elina confesses that she wants to be an actress. Really? Is that a realistic career choice? I mean, we're talking about a girl whose facial expressions range from pissed to annoyed.
On the bus, Sheena and Elina argue about meat. Elina asks, "Do you really want a dead body in your mouth? Because that's what it is!" Personally, as long as it tastes like bacon, I'd eat the dead body of just about anything, including my mailman and/or the neighbor's dog.
Sheena's all respecting of Elina's opinion, even though she disagrees with it, but Elina keeps getting louder and more annoying on the subject of Why Everyone Who Isn't Just Like Elina Deserves Her Sneering Disdain. And I have to admit, in her own ghetto way, Sheena is completely in the right and not at all an asshat, unlike Elina. Go figure.
Isis and Brittany (remember them?) are play-fighting and horsing around -- like siblings, observe the other girls. Then baby powder gets involved, and I'm pretty sure I've seen this porno. But then Brittany gets too rough and really gives Isis a whack. And instead of whipping out her penis and bitch-slapping Brittany, Isis just gets catty and pouty. Billi, did we ever act like this?
Then there's this big, stupid thing about McKey who swears she isn't girlie and gets all defensive when the girls are like, "Then why are you a model?" And McKey is trying to tell them who she is, and it's all retarded, and then she cooks for them. Yeah, I don't get it, either.
Best quote from the hemroid-inducingly long "Stylista" commercial -- "I'm not a back stabber in the evil sense." No, he's a back stabber in the caring and gracious sense. He uses a knife make of chocolate-covered marshmallow.
We get a makeover montage, with a voiceover from Jay declaring that they had a "record number of makeover tears." Hee! But you can totally understand it when you see what the hell they did to Sheena's hair.
Remember when I was bemoaning the fact that they were taking her perfectly gorgeous Asian hair and fucking with it? Well, they fucked it all right. Fucked it right out of her scalp!
Ew.
Yeah, they were trying to dye it red or blonde or something, and they fried it so badly that it was falling off of her head in chunks. I defy anyone not to cry when that happens!
And in a bizarre move, Elina names her hair Sherry. Or Sharie. Or Cherie. I don't know, she didn't specify. But Elina's hair-naming antics seem commonplace when we are confronted with Hannah's Alaska Pixie Dust. No, that's not code for cocaine.
Apparently, Hannah's mom gave her a little bottle of glitter, labeled "Alaska Pixie Dust" -- Hannah is from Alaska, remember -- and told her that it wards off mean girls. Now I personally think that's kind of adorable. I mean, of course Hannah knows that it's not magic and that bitches will always be bitches. But it's a cute symbol of her Mom's affection and a reminder to not let the mean girls get her down.
But the other girls have to rain on her parade by being overly critical and calling it creepy and weird and psycho. Only proving the dire need for Alaska Pixie Dust.
Elina says, "Isis looks like a posessed hyena." Apropo of... I don't know what.
Clark, Samantha and Lauren Brie all take a bath together, but they're in their bathing suits, so it doesn't count.
Even less exciting is the bee that gets into the house. Jeebus, it's a HUGE house, and they're all excited about one stupid bug. This is what happens when you take the television away from young people. The girls try to kill it, but McKey makes some grand statement by taking the injured bee outside and giving it water. She says, "All serial killers start small." She's a freak.
Elina has a crush on Clark, so when Clark is sent packing, Elina is crushed. Now she's the only harpie in the house. Boo-hoo.
Marjorie and Analeigh are "weirdly close," making Elina jealous because she's supposed to be the lesbian in the house! Marj and Ana are all "You're prettier!" "No, you're prettier!" "No, you're prettier!" I'd mock them, but I've had this same conversation with Heather, so I haven't a leg to stand on.
Next episode: Who cares!