November 20, 2008
"America's Next Top Model Is..."
Previously on ANTM, Wenchie started to loose interest in the whole franchise, so much so that she actually missed two episodes and had to lure Shannon into some illegal gambling in order to make things interesting.
Did we know that McKey is from Lake Forest, IL? Go fellow-Chicago-suburbian! She lives twenty miles from my house. I thought she looked familiar...
We get a recap of the three remaining girls' pros and cons. And I'm not listing them here. If you don't know them by now, then you are of no concern to me.
Tyra Mail! There's some nonsense words that apparently mean "easy, breezy, beautiful" in Dutch. Yay! The girls get to be whores for Cover Girl! A commercial and a print ad! The print ad will be, for the winner, a national print ad, a billboard in Times Square, and a display in WalMarts all across the country.
But wait -- there's a catch! The catch is that they have to memorize their scripts, and their first line is in Dutch! Hee! They are SO gonna suck!
Whitney! Whitney walks in, and I feel bad that Husband is working late and doesn't see her. Amazingly, she's been famous for a few months and hasn't yet starved herself into a size zero. Go, Whitney!
The crappy Cover Girl goo that the girls will be shilling for is WetSlicks Amazemint Lip Gloss with Crest Peppermint Oil. It shines your lips, freshens your breath, whitens your teeth and balances your checkbook! Jesus H. Kissable Christ, it comes in BLUE. Well, now I know what to get Heather for Christmas.
The "plot" of the commercial is this: there are three girls on vacation together. They meet a boy on a boat. They all throw themselves at him, and one slut ends up ditching her cock-blocking friends to make-out with him.
Jay says that Sam is holding back during her shoot. And I think he's right. She's holding back... her lunch. Seriously, she's so nervous, I think she's gonna blow chow.
McKey sounds good, but her head... it looks like she has Parkinson's, she's wobbling around so much. Advice to McKey: Channelling famous actress = good. Channelling 80 year old Kathryn Hepburn = not good.
Analeigh froze. Absolutely froze. Not a thought in that head. Crickets chirping. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Nyet.
Oh, and? They guy they have to kiss is quite homely. His eyes are too far apart, and he has bad hair.
Now, for the Cover Girl print ad, they have Jim DeYonker, who is, apparently, Cover Girl's staple photographer. Whoop-dee-shit. As a final test, Jay leaves the set and won't be there to give them direction. Actually, that should make them less nervous. Jay is a cruel mistress.
"McKey is coo-coo in the head," reports DeYonker. Sam struggles, and Analeigh's body is good, but she's crap from the neck up.
Tyra Mail! Judging! Some guy with a 57-letter name is the guest judge because he's the designer in whose show the Final Two will be walking.
They watch each girl's best take. Sam is choppy. Analeigh is gorgeous but sucks. McKey's personality drags her sorry ass into Not-Awful-Land.
As for photos, the judges are split on Samantha's. Some say adorable, some say forced.
Analeigh's photo... man, she really has wrinkley bags under her eyes. More so than me, and I'm old enough to be her mother! Couldn't they photoshop that shit outta there?
McKey looks a big like a young Marie Osmond, if you ask me, which they do not. But she "looks like a model."
Deliberations!
Sam has a great personality, great smile and great photos, but they're not sure about her walk. Analeigh's legs are bionic, as is her walk, but she needs a bag over her face. McKey listens to direction and has learned a lot, but there's a certain "Lerch" quality to her, a la Addams Family.
The girls come back into the room, all looking like they're gonna start bawling. McKey gets called first, and Sam and Ana are called forward. Ana has the strongest poses but a weak face. Sam looks commercial in person but she can't sell Cover Girl. What's a Tyra to do?
Tyra calls Sam and admonishes her not to look so teen-at-the-mall in person. Analeigh manages to hold herself together and gets a very encouraging pep-talk from Tyra and Paulina, possibly the nicest one to date. Ana has "no regrets. Regrets are mistakes that you don't learn from, and I've learned so much." Did they write that for her?
While she backs, Sam and McKey go shoot their Seventeen-magazine-covers-to-be-maybe. Sam squeals, "It's so me! I was seventeen three months ago!"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jay as designed a ridiculous runway for the girls' final challenge. The Dutch Runway Show. It's hot pink with stairs and curves -- it's like Shoots 'n' Ladders meets Candyland.
Samantha is super-nervous. Huh, Sam is the new Marj. McKey is all, "Well, once this is over, it's in the judges' hands." Tyra hugs them and tells them to "make Mama proud. Your black mama." Yeah, ya know, Tyra hasn't had a woman of color in the Final Two for two seasons now. Is Tyra a hater?
At the beginning of the show, before the actual fashion begins, Miss J walk the runway with... oh, it's so Cirque de So-Gay. There's a man on a leash, and his head is inside a giant, hot pink balloon.
Oooh, Whitney looks hott! McKey looks stiff. Hey, is that Amanda the legally blind chick from several seasons ago?! Samantha looks pretty good.
The gowns are freakin' FABULOUS! The Barbies are drooling.
Panel! Oh, God, Tyra? Joan Collins called. She wants her dress back. Miss J's lashes deserve a standing ovation.
When McKey took the runway, Tyra says that she liked her first turn, and loved the second. But McKey needs more grace in heels. Heh. Don't we all.
Sam's runway was fantastic, and she really worked the garmet. But her mouth looked very worried.
They then go through the girls' entire portfolios, and I just don't have the energy. My dinner just came outta the oven, so I wanna wrap this up.
Deliberations!
Sam looks commercial in person but is actually high fashion. McKey has star quality but a bad walk. Sam has the poses, but McKey has the high-fashion body. They're both tall, both have "line-backer-ish" bodies, both are sweet. Blah blah blah.
The girls re-enter, fighting tears. "America's Next Top Model is..." And McKey's photo pops up on the screen. My first reaction is, Hey, I get ten bucks!
Bonus Mini-Review of McKey's Post-Win Portfolio:
She looks stupid with her hair slicked back. I kinda love this dress, but it would look better on Heather. Why do the Tyra&Winner photos always look like they're on completely different sets on different days and photoshopped together?
And for even more bonus-y goodness, the ladies at Go Fug Yourself delightfully fug Tyra and the Final Three.
Comments
I wanted McKey to win all along, but I wish Ana would have been in the final two instead of Sam - she just didn't do it for me.
I actually find the commercial Nigel voices over about Top Models in Action more interesting than the show lately. I like seeing who made something of themselves.
Tyra's outfit at judging made me want to bitch slap her.
Posted by: Hope at November 21, 2008 03:24 PM
I ruv you! and I would TOTALLY rock that dress.
Posted by: heather at November 21, 2008 05:35 PM
Damnit. :)
Posted by: Shannon Erin at November 24, 2008 09:24 AM