November 26, 2008
Heather & I Review "Twilight" via I.M.
A.K.A. Heather & I Overuse "Also?"
It should be noted that Heather and I were two of seventeen people in the theatre. All female. And we brought the median age up about a decade.
That being said, we were, without question, the most obnoxious, distracting and disrespectful people in the place. We were doing that ugly-crying-laugh during the scene where Bella and Edward were slow-dancing in his room, and that's when I snorted. In a near-silent theatre. With an echo.
Yeah, I hate us, too.
PW: first of all, a review of my movie snack. I don't think they use any real chocolate in Snow Caps anymore. I'm deeply saddened.
H: they don't? that is very sad.
PW: it's the end of an era, really.
H: no dinosaurs, eskimos, and real chocolate any more.
PW: SO not worth the $3.50 they raped me for them. but let's get to the real issue. was Twilight worth the $9.50 we paid for it?
H: no. no it was not. did you have nonpariels in your bra?
PW: I did have nonpariels in my bra. you must have overlooked them when you where in there. :) what about that part where Bella drops an apple, and Edward hacky-sacks it up into his hands. luck, or CGI?
PW: I blinked both times. so it just looked like "hey. an apple"
PW: blinked, or nodded off?
H: yes. I am still reeling that they included the baseball scene and didn't mention this
PW: LUCAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
H: yes! he pitches EXACTLY THE SAME as Alice
PW: pointy toe and all?
H: no, just really hot.
PW: how sad that you had that link READILY at hand. I know you watch it 20 times a day
H: we must mention that I can't wait until the werewolves get all grown up adult-like
PW: TOTALLY! now those are some dogs I would totally fuck
H: omg can you BE any funnier?
PW: I hope not. I don't want to snort again.
H: i understand
PW: altho that WAS the highlight of the entire movie
H: that was one of my favorite parts of hte movie! when you snorted!
PW: HA!
H: jinx!
PW: damn! well played
H: and how hot are the dads? because that's what made us old. the liking the dads more than the kids, right? and do note that if any boy took us on a 'let's climb trees and hike outside while I get all emo on your ass" date, we would have kicked his ass and found ourselves a real werewolf...er...man.
PW: I'm picturing you in a tree in your "comfy walking stillettos" which is kinda hott. especially the part where you cry cuz you're outside
H: i had to commune with this stump...
PW: I love the ballet leap mid-running the bases [in HSM2]!
H: happend in both HSM and twilight, strangely enough!
PW: HAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! ok, that's my masters thesis -- the parallels between HSM and Twilite
H: "while the levels of hate-inducing teenaged-angst differ btwixt the films, there are many parellels...."
PW: betwixt? nice
H: thanks
PW: omg, the Twilight website is so fucking slow
H: it's all flash.
PW: so you've been there...? loser. they have, like, 5 photos on the whole site. piece of crap
H: it is.
PW: I just clicked on the "party kit" link. custom Twilight Evite!
H: DO tell.
PW: there's a Twilihgt Party Checklist. let's see... razorblades, black skinny jeans, mousse
H: eyeliner. extra eyebrow hair...
PW: omg "Practice your OME! (Oh My Edward!) Scream!"
H: SO, what would you scream, exactly?
PW: I have no idea. Oh My Edward?
H: "what happened to your hair? "
PW: there's no photos of the dads or the werewolves
H: we;ll have to start our own site for the hot people from that movie. danm it.
PW: seriously. Rosalie is actually a brunette from The OC. no wonder I hate her. really? they couldn't find an actual blonde?
H: did you read what you just wrote, there? "an actual blonde" seriously.
PW: I know. how 'bout someone with less shitty roots?
H: ok, that's a good question, there. yes. also? we need to address the snoggability of the crazy-eyed vampire
PW: Mr. Rathbone makes me want to commit pedophilia
H: YES!
PW: he was born in 84 so he's... math in my head... 24!
H: holy crap.
PW: totally fuckable!
H: legal, but... man.
PW: yeah, he looks 12
H: and better as a brunette.
PW: yeah, totally
PW: Carlisle was in Riding in Cars with Boys. weird. James is 26, also of The OC. WEREWOLF HOTNESS! and totally illegal
H: even better!!!!
PW: should we discuss the cinematography or editing or something?
H: um. sure! I almost forgot to mention Crumping!
PW: yeah, but now I don't remember the context... it certainly wasn't the prom. were there, like, 11 people in their graduating class? and how did Victoria get in without a date or a ticket?
H: maybe she had both?
PW: did she eat all the chaperones?
H: HA! also? their whole town was smaller than our graduating class.
PW: true
H: I'm sure that if you liked the outside, the sweeping vista camera shit would be awesome? and if you like DWR catalogues, you would love the vampire's house.
PW: DWR? Dances With Redwoods?
H: HA! design within reach.
PW: I'm all about the Pottery Barn and Sundance. Also? What straight guy has a chaise lounge? Seriously, where was the vibrating leather couch with built-in phone and mini-fridge?
H: he was listening to bette midler. what do you expect? also? the music wasn't half bad, acutally, I was thinking of getting the soundtrack.
PW: oh thank god. I was, too, and I didn't want to have to hide it from you
H: you don't need to hide from me! I embrace the gay!
PW: YAY! actually, I just wanna listen to that last song and remember Victoria letting her hair down. mmmmmmmmmm...
H: hottt. even her coat was kind of hot.
PW: yeah, and the leaves in her hair. she's been a naughty girl, rolling on the ground
H: such a bad, bad girl.
PW: even her name is hott
H: Fever!
PW: now I want to sing to her. but she better not track any fucking leaves on my carpet. I just vacuumed in here
H: also? the second we saw the vampires, I think we both laughed like Nelson from SImpsons.
PW: I was surprised that vamps walk so slowly. I would have thought the opposite to be true.
H: they got nothin but time.
PW: true. I think that whoever tweezed Bella and Edward's eyebrows should be flogged within an inch of their life
H: he wasn't wearing groucho marx glasses... but it felt like he was...
PW: HA! well, I think we've run this movie into the ground. any parting thoughts?
H: under no circumstances will we see part 2 sober.
PW: agreed.
Comments
OMG - I went with younger people and I sat there thinking the dads were hot too!!! I didn't tell them because I thought they'd think I was a freak. I liked Bella's dad the best, but with no stash, can't handle them ever since I heard someone refer to it as a 'flavor saver'. Shiver...
I actually liked Rosalie, even with her bad roots. When she showed up in her jeans and heals the first day, all Valley Girl, I thought she pulled the bitch off well with her look. Plus she had curves and wasn't all Marjorie from ANTM.
I didn't get the tree thing. Bella is a clutz. Who brings a clutz up a tree?
I debated seeing this one drunk but thought I should give it a try. The next one I will be drunk for certain and I'm sure I'll enjoy the wolves A LOT.
That being said, the kiss between Belly and Edward on the bed, holy crap did I get tingly in places! It was steamy when he pushed her back on the bed.
I will shave both Bell and Edwards eyebrows at the next premiere. Care to join me?
Posted by: Hope at November 26, 2008 10:01 AM
I am SO inviting myself along for part two. THis is HIlarious!!!
Posted by: Von at November 26, 2008 10:51 AM