November 05, 2008
"Planes, Trains and Slow Automobiles"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Wenchie fell asleep at the wheel and ran aground on a sandbar, Elina attacked Samantha, Sheena… “hal he bock” (I can’t read my writing), the girls pretty much sucked on the commercial, Joslyn went home, and TWoP saved my ass.
The girls interview that, basically, the whole house would prefer that Elina had gone home instead of Joslyn. You and America, ladies. Who, by the way, call themselves the “Super-Sexy Six.”
Daphne Decker, who is the host of “Holland’s Next Top Model” (who knew?), meets the girls and tells them that they have to divide into couples and race to find their new house first. The couples are: Elina and Samantha, Analeigh and Marjorie, and Sheena and McKey. Samantha is not happy about being paired with Elina. Even more mystifying is why Elina chose her, after their tiff last week.
Sheena confesses that she came to Amsterdam “expecting weed and sex, but I found gorgeous!”
Elina wore sandals that she can’t run in and are blistering her feet. Who doesn’t wear comfy shoes when they know they are going to be traveling? I mean, hell, I wear hiking boots and carry a compass and canteen when I know I’m gonna have to be navigating O’Hare.
But despite Elina’s unpreparedness, she and Samantha win. Lucky for Elina, too, or Sam would’ve killed her. Samantha is weirded out by Elina’s sudden attempt's bonding.
Their new home is all raw wood and fabulousness. These bitches don’t deserve a house so cool. They should all be living together in a van down by the river.
Tyra Mail! “Something-something used to play, something-something hot today.” Huh.
Oh. My. God. I have been waiting my whole ANTM career for this. Analeigh, Elina and Marjorie are all taking a bath together. N-A-K-E-D-!!! And loudly. There’s much blurring of privates going on. It’s so awesome. How come my friends never take baths with me? You guys suck.
The other girls are trying to sleep. McKey confesses that she’s “frustrated with the va-jay-jay shaving party.” OH MY GOD!!! This episode just keeps getting better and better! McKey just say VA-JAY-JAY!!! I can die now. Seriously. Everything after this is just going to be a let-down.
Also? For my 40th birthday next year, I was going to have an 80s Dance Party. But McKey has inspired me to, instead, have a Va-Jay-Jay Shaving Party. I’ll supply the cake, razors and shaving cream -- BYOVJJ.
Aaaaaand scene.
The girls are taken to an alley in Amsterdam’s red light district, where they all feel right at home. The Js are there babbling about “Red Light Fashion Amsterdam,” which is some project where designers are fighting prostitution with couture, turning brothels into boutiques. So just... a different kind of whoring. Okay.
The girls are broken into couples again – Analeigh and Elina, McKey and Samantha, Marjorie and Sheena – and meet their designers. McKey and Sam will be modeling in a dollhouse atmosphere. Because that’s not porno. Elina and Ana will be modeling gowns that are jackets. Ack. And Sheena and Marjorie will be freaky. The winners will walk in a show during Amsterdam Fashion Week.
Marjorie is Absolutely Fabulous, but Sheena is too sexy. Samantha is better than McKey, but they hold hands and work together as a team. Elina is elegant, but Analeigh gets tangled in the set. Sam and McKey win, even though Marj was clearly the stand-out. Stupid Sheena.
Tyra Mail! There’s a shoot tomorrow.
Elina shoots off her ignorant mouth again and thinks that prostitution should be respected. So… it’s wrong to eat delicious animals, but it’s okay to treat female human beings like meat. I get it. Predictably, the other girls don’t agree. I think Elina just picks fights for a giggle.
I go to the bathroom, and when I get back, the girls are on a boat. Oh, for their shoot. Got it. McKey comes out in a black gown and HUGE, black boots, and Jay tells her, “You look like a monster,” because she’s about a foot taller than him, and he has height-envy. McKey gets very creative with her posing, and Jay is excited that she continues to improve.
Sheena, on the other hand, continues to be hootchie and does can-can kicks in her gown. And then she straddles a big pole. Remarks Jay, “She always finds the most lewd pose to do.” Jay gives her direction, but she’s so focused on listening to her inner-ghetto that she doesn’t hear him.
McKey asides that Elina is “ugly from the inside out,” and the girls take turns talking about all the ways in which Elina is ugly.
Oh my. Are those… Analeigh’s nipples? Showing through her dress? She says that she’s not going to be a skater because, every time she tries to bring her skating experience to a shoot, she sucks ass. Jay comments that he’s glad she finally brought the skater to the shoot. *sigh* Good grief.
Marjorie takes Jay’s constructive criticism as exactly that and doesn’t internalize it. She’s learning!
Tyra Mail! Judging!
Elina tells Sheena that she had a dream that the two of them were crying. Jeebus, Elina is so damn emo. Go write your pain on your arm, Elina.
Panel!
Elina has claw-hands in her photo. She looks like a pirate, but not good-pirate. She is stiff, and Jay sent a note to the principal that she ignored him during the shoot.
Sheena has a pretty face (?????), and the clothes look pretty, but there’s no passion in her photo.
Analeigh is beautiful. Piratey-beautiful.
McKey shows up to panel wearing some chain mail thing that she bought at the Ren Fair, and Tyra digs it. Her photo is a fantastic fashion shot.
Marjorie, well, there just aren’t superlatives enough for her, are there?
Sam shows up in an outfit that makes the panel think she’s going to pick up her kids from school. So Miss J takes off his jeans and throws them at her. Yeah, and Sheena is the hootchie one. But Sam’s photo is fantastic. Now that’s a pirate!
By the way, Tyra, you are a dear for giving me so many shout-outs the day before my birthday. Love you! Kiss kiss!
Deliberations!
Elina gave them her best photo yet, but it’s still not good enough. Sheena’s photo has no life because she can’t find the middle area between hootchie and flat-lining.
McKey’s legs go on for miles. Analeigh’s shot is great, and she keeps improving.
Marjorie keeps using her signature posing, which they love. She is “Bambi but turns into that on film!” Sam gives a great photo but is a bad dresser.
The judges have reached a decision! Tyra calls McKey first, to be this week’s digitart. Then calls – Analeigh, Marjorie and Samantha. This leaves Elina and Sheena in the Bottom Two, where they belong. Any chance Tyra will do a surprise double-elimination? It’s kind of creepy that they’re together and crying, just like El-emo’s dream. They hold hands.
Elina takes a pretty photo, but she’s too stiff and reluctant to lose control. Sheena is full of personality, but there’s no consistency in her photos. To my shock and horror, Elina is called, which makes no sense because Tyra HATES the emotionally repressed. Well, maybe she just wants another chance to make Elina cry. And who can blame her, really?
Sheena is sad, but Tyra tells her that she has “It” and won’t be forgotten. Bitch, please, she’s no Jade. Jade will never be forgotten, but Sheena is as memorable as every other girl who was the seventh one eliminated. Which is to say – not at all.
Next episode: Tyra is the girls’ photographer, and the girls go on go-sees.
Comments
I found it funny when the girls pressed Elina to back up her argument about prostitution her response was 'I just did, I said it should be respected and that's enough.' Well aren't you all high and mighty, beeotch. Nigel was quite turned on by McKey's outfit - apparently he likes the dominatrics look. I'd boss that boy around any day.
Posted by: Hope at November 6, 2008 11:35 AM