November 06, 2008
"The Final Five"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," ...man, this intro is all about Tyra's hair. And boobs. And hair. But why is she pimping for "Stylista"?
Sam is giddy with glee that she is in the final five. Marjorie's cup, however, is half empty. Half empty with the blood of dead unicorns. That's how distressed she is.
Tyra Mail! Go-sees.
Some asshole Dutch people explain that the girls will be judged on:
1. Portfolio.
2. Runway walk.
3. General appearance.
4. Personality.
The girls must take boats to their go-sees and return by 5:00.
The first designer looks like an extra from the 80s video of "Mickey." Oh, Mickey, you're so fine, but Sam is too commercial. Too commercial for the cheerleader broad, who wouldn't book her.
Oh, McKey, you're so fine and stunning and great. Which reminds me! This competition is FINALLY interesting, now that Shannon and I have laid down some serious bucks -- she on Marj, and I on McKey. Anyone else wanna pick a ho and drop your ten bucks into the pool?
Sam gets lost. So do Ana and Marj (I am so not typing their full names anymore). And them Amsterdamians won't help them with directions! Won't even give them the time of day! Geez, what dicksmacks they are. Remind me to skip Holland on my World Tour '09.
Ana impresses one designer in a fabulous black dress. Elina grosses out another designer by getting back-sweat all over his expensive gown. He says of her, "She's playing at being a model and isn't a model."
Marj finally becomes unlost enough to make it to see the Cheerleader, but she does poorly. Elina is there, too, and Cheerleader tells her that she has too many tattoos.
Interviews Elina, "Tattoos are the best way I know to express myself." Wow. Sad. What about music or painting or writing? Or having an emotion? Or cutting yourself? She feels like it's a personal attack. Which it is. I mean, she's the retard who made the decision to write all over her body.
Some designer guy wants McKey for his show. Ana shows up where Elina is and has to wait. But Elina's not exactly a tough act to follow. The designer loves Ana. Meanwhile, says Hans to Marj, "Okay. We've seen enough." Ouch. Jesus, that girl's ribcage is, like, Scarlett O'Hara tiny.
Frazzled and beaten down, Marj returns to home base way early, having been to only two of the five designers. All the rest get back in time, except for McKey, who is only five minutes late, but is disqualified because of it.
Male Dutch Asshole says he's disappointed and then stares at her like the Disapproving Father From Hell. Female Dutch Asshole says she would have won because all the clients love her.
Sam is too commercial. Elina's tattoos are a problem for several of the clients. Marj was too nervous. The clients love Ana's hair and thought she was great, although perhaps trying a little too hard.
All of the designers provided items for the challenge prize-winner, totaling $18,000. Or $47.36, if you'd bought the same crap at Target. Ana is the winner! Among the prize items are a fur coat, a white gown and a green bathing suit.
Elina is bitter and thinks that she should have won. Even though her tattoos mark her as mentally disturbed and her personality is sociopathic at best.
Tyra Mail! Blah blah exposed. The girls are afraid they're going to be posing naked. But that's not likely because we all know that it's Tyra, not Nigel, who is the guest photographer this week.
You know, if I make mention of every time that Marj is stressed out and fearful, this recap will be twice as long. So let's just assume that she is always freaking out, unless I say otherwise.
Tyra is at the shoot with her camera. This can only mean one thing -- black and white photography. Because it's all she knows how to do. She's going to do two shots of each of them -- one clean-faced, and one glammed up. Sam is relieved that she won't have to get naked.
Sam's clean shot looks like lesbian, androginous Kim from a previous season. It's kinda cute! Her glam shots are very theatrical. Tyra and Jay mock Miss J's screaming. I don't know why.
Marj is intimidated by Tyra. You know, I think Marjorie would be intimidated by snow. Tyra says that Marj's hair is like fur, so after her clean shot, they cut it even shorter. She's so "Rosemary's Baby." It's fabulous, and she totally works the glam shot.
After Ana's clean shot, Tyra comments, "I think she needs make-up." Clearly.
And when Elina is done getting her idiotic tattoos lasered off, she can cut her nails because Tyra hates them and tells her she can't model with long nails. Then Tyra tricks stiff, controlled Elina into a few good shots.
McKey is up next with her "Clockwork Orange" eyes. Says Jay, "That girl, she can model!" Tyra and Jay are adorable goofing around together. Are the rumors true? Do they really hate each other? I love him so much more than Miss J, and he contributes more than anyone else on panel! Fucking Tyra.
Panel! Ooh, Jay is the guest judge! Awesome!
Sam booked two jobs at the go-sees. Well, I guess she won't starve to death. Her clean photo looks like a Calvin Klein ad. They love her, and Sam made Tyra excited to shoot her glam photo.
Analeigh booked three of out of the three designers she saw. Her clean photo is bad. Hey, her jeans are unbuttoned! But the judges die over her legs in her glam photo.
Marjorie booked ZERO of the two go-sees she went on. Loser. For her clean photo, Tyra used her test shot because it was the best. I think she looks like a teenaged boy first thing in the morning. But her glam photo is "strong! Sharp! Cunning!" The judges want to get that girl standing in front of them. Asks Miss J, "Are any of your limbs attached?"
Clean shots, glam shots -- where's the money shot?
Elina only booked two of the four designers she saw because of her tattoos. Her clean shot is okay. Except that she looks like she's about to scratch somebody's eyes out. Her glam shot is okay, too. Tyra told her to be crazy, so she... put her leg up on the railing. It's not so much crazy as it is awkward. Jeebus, she's only EIGHTEEN?!?! I thought she was, like, THIRTY! She's the oldest eighteen year old EVER!
McKey reigns supreme with four out of four go-sees booked. Woot! But she was late, so she sucks. Her clean shot is all neck and jawline and lickable. In her glam shot, she proves that she has come so far from the boxing girl who couldn't pose without making fists.
Deliberations!
Sam blows Nigel... away. Ana's a dream, but her features are kinda big. Marj is a nervous wreck. McKey embodies true fashion. Elina doesn't look eightteen and doesn't inspire.
Tyra calls the girls in the exact order that Husband predicts -- Sam, McKey and Analeigh, leaving Elina and Marjorie in the Bottom Two.
Elina is beautiful but holds on too tightly, and it diminishes her beauty. Marj is exquisite, but her nerves stand in her way. So who gets kicked to the curb?
Blessedly, it is Elina who is kicked and Marj who hangs on for another week. Probably only to be eliminated next week.
Next episode: The girls pass around a man-whore! YAY!
Comments
I'm not dissing the tattooed in general, as I am one of them.
I'm dissing people who get tattooed on their forearms, as well as someone who wants to work in an industry where their body is their primary commodity, and then they write shit all over it in very conspicuous places.
Posted by: Wenchie at November 7, 2008 10:56 AM
Hey give Marj a break! I think Analeigh's going to be out next week.
Posted by: Shannon Erin at November 7, 2008 11:18 AM