December 31, 2008
We'll Drink a Cup of Kindness Yet
Wenchie's 2009 New Year's Resolutions
I know I've said that I don't make resolutions, but I think it's time that I started because I'm halfway to dead, and I'm just not getting anything done.
1. Call my Mom more often, just to make sure she isn't trapped under a pile of Dad's crap.
2. Keep in touch with my friends better, and not just via Facebook SuperPoke.
3. Remember that Husband lets me work part-time so that I can better take care of our affairs while he's working 60 hours a week, so I'd better get off my ass more often and vacuum up all this dog hair.
4. Get back down to my wedding weight (and bring Husband with me).
5. Turn 40 gracefully and with a HUGE FREAKIN' PARTY.
6. Blog every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, even if it's just a paragraph or photo.
7. Start writing my damn book already. What the hell am I waiting for?!
8. Print all my photos and get them into albums, regardless of how many people mock me for my old-fashionedness.
9. Start playing piano again, before arthitis starts to set in.
10. Take my bucket o' change to the bank and open a savings account for our 2010 trip to Norway.
I know what you're thinking. You're wondering why none of these resolutions include the words Coach, vagina, pure awesome, and/or Bruce Campbell. Well, I'll tell you -- I think I'm growing as a person.
Crap.
Posted at 05:42 PM | Comments (1)December 30, 2008
A Classic Revisited
'Twas the night before Christmas,
And throughout Billi's place,
Only The Spare was stirring,
With his sweet cherub face.
He played with the manger
Tucked under the tree.
'Twould warm the heart
Of any Grinch to see.
When all of a sudden
Straight upright he sat
And started putting people
Inside Santa's hat!
Mary and Joseph
Went in with the sheep,
Plus the wisemen and shepherds --
The hat was so deep!
Even baby Jesus
Was plucked from the manger.
Sent by our Lord,
But he couldn't escape danger!
To take the whole lot,
That naughty boy dared.
Only a puppy
And an angel were spared.
He ran to the stairway
And shouted with glee,
Holding up a small shepherd
For his Auntie to see.
I sat staring, helpless
And glued to my chair,
As the kidnapper flung them
Up to the top stair!
Down fourteen tall steps
The poor victims fell
And lay at the bottom
In a heap all pell-mell.
And I heard him exclaim,
Through a torrent of giggles,
"Enough of this crap.
It's time for The Wiggles!"
December 26, 2008
Stocking Stuffers
The first Christmas that Husband and I were married, he got all kinds of cool, manly, Eddie-Bauer-y stocking stuffers from me. Believe me, if he's ever lost in the woods, he's... well, he's screwed because I'm sure that everything he'd need would be in his other coat, but I can't be held responsible for that.
I got squat.
The next Christmas or two, he started to catch on. It helped that Billi and I would do stocking stuffers for each other. He was all, "What mean this -- how you say -- stocking stuffer?" He would go to Office Max and shop there for pens and post-it notes and other officey paraphenalia to put in my stocking.
I was not amused. His heart was in the right place, as he himself LOVES getting office supplies in his stocking. So in his defense, he was buying me something that he thought was really cool...
But seriously. One only has to look in my office, or our shower, or my purse, or our linen closet, or my dresser drawers to see that I am a Product Whore. Why not shop for stocking stuffers at Bath & Body Works, at the very least? Hell, I'd even settle for Target! The Beauty aisle is right by the Wine and Chocolate aisles! Can't miss it!
This year, I quit fooling around. I made a wish list on Sephora, emailed him the link and told him to stay the hell away from Office Max.
And God bless him, he listened. He was even clever enough to employ Older Step Daughter, who works at Sephora, to play elf. And between the two of them and Billi, I am going to be The Most Edible Wench On The Planet. (I had the reverb on when I typed that last part, so it'd be all echo-y. Didja hear it in your head? I did!)
Behold, I am a walking dessert tray!
Now, when you order the Minty Almond Cherry Chocolate Strawberry Vanilla Spicy Citrus Sweet Creamy Red Velvet Sugar Shortcake, be sure to ask you're waiter for two forks so you can split it. It's very rich!
Posted at 09:26 AM | Comments (0)December 24, 2008
Mrs. Beasley and Pirate Barbie
Once upon a time, when Egrau was a little girl, she really wanted a Mrs. Beasley doll. If you'll remember, Mrs. Beasley was the little granny doll that Buffy carried around on the 1966 sitcom "Family Affair."
I actually have a Barbie-scale Buffy and Mrs. Beasley.
Joe got them for me a couple years ago for my birthday. Apparently, Buffy is pretty rare, Mrs. B. is even rarer -- her glasses alone are worth a fortune because they're the first thing to get lost and sucked up by the vacuum cleaner.
Joe spoils me.
And speaking of rare and adorable things, Buffy and Mrs. B. are sitting on a little chair that Billi made for me about 25 years ago, for Christmas.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Anyhoo, little Egrau reallyreallyreallyreally wanted a Mrs. Beasley doll. The tension was thick in the air that Christmas morning as stockings were unloaded and other, let's face it -- lesser gifts were opened. Egrau tells the story of Ramone, her little brother, anxiously scanning the presents, hoping that one of them would be a Mrs. Beasley for his big sister.
I swear, you guys, I am starting to tear-up while typing this. It's the cutest story in the whole world, how, as Egrau tore the wrapping off the final present, Ramone jumped up and down in glee, so excited to see Egrau get that which she wanted most in the whole world.
Is that not the sweetest, most selfless thing you've ever heard? A little boy made happy only by the happiness of someone else? Gah! It almost makes my heart want to shake off its bitter blackness and believe in mankind, just for one, brilliant moment...
Okay, it passed.
I wonder if, when choosing my Christmas gift last year, Egrau looked back on her own Mrs. Beasley and decided to "pay it forward." To revel in the happiness of someone else, to make a wish come true.
Yup, Egrau spent waaaaaaaay too much money and got me Pirate Barbie for Christmas! And although I am surely not worth that kind of money, Pirate Barbie definitely is. Just lookit her!
The jaunty boot...
The wicked pantaloons...
The cold hilt of the sword...
The lacey cuff...
The snug vest...
And the mercilessness of her stare...
Oh, how I love her!
'Though she would haul me 'round the keel just to watch me die, I would swear allegiance to her with my hat in my hand and my heart in my mouth.
Okay,... that was a little... awkward.
Quick someone do something to break the tension!
Yup, that did it.
I hear they're in preliminary talks about possibly doing a buddy picture together. Penny Marshall is writing the script.
Posted at 12:01 PM | Comments (1)December 22, 2008
My So-Called Blizzard
I'm sure you all heard something about the HUGE WORLD-ENDING, SOUL-SUCKING WINTER STORM that hit the Midwest last week. I was a little disappointed, as I didn't have my soul sucked AND I still had to go to work. Double-buzz-kill!
We've got about a foot of snow total, which is unimpressive to this survivor -- and enjoyer -- of The Blizzard of '79. I should have anticipated being let down. They kept pushing back the start time of the so-called blizzard, and we never get as many inches as the weather talking-heads threaten us with.
When I woke up to pee at 2:15 a.m. Friday (I had hot cocoa before bed), I looked outside to see a mere dusting of snow, like powered sugar on a bundt cake. So I was surprised to see another 5 inches by the time Husband and I got up at 5:30 a.m.
Before I could feed the dogs, I had to shovel a path across the patio from the kitchen door to the edge of the lawn. You see, I need to keep an eye on the idiots in the yard because they have recently discovered the delicacy that is frozen poop. I couldn't be prouder.
Mid-first-shovel-full-of-snow, I realized that we would, indeed, be driving over to Mom and Dad's to clear their snow as well. See, I had called Dad the night before. Well, I had called Mom, but Dad answered, which is always a shock.
PW: Hey, um, you know how they're predicting a foot of snow tonight?
Dad: Who is this?
PW: Your middle daughter.
Dad: Oh! My favorite!
PW: Yeah. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that, if we get more than, say, four inches, Husband and I will be over in the morning to clear your driveway.
Dad: Oh. Why?
PW: So you don't die of a grabber in the driveway.
Dad: Oh! That's nice! I'd always thought you were just waiting for me to die!
PW: Yeah, well, not in the driveway. It's so cliche. I'm hoping you'll die in some bizarre home repair accident or weapons malfunction so I can blog it.
Dad: What's "blog?"
PW: Nevermind. So I'll call you in the morning and let you know if we're coming.
Dad: Okay. We're usually up by eight.
PW: Eight o'clock?! Who are you -- Paris Hilton?!
Dad: What time do you get up?
PW: Five-thirty!
Dad: Oh.
PW: Anyway, if you wake up to a snowblower, that's us.
Dad: Okay! Thanks!
Needless to say, he slept through the whole thing, probably because he was sleeping on his "good ear."
Posted at 08:35 AM | Comments (1)December 19, 2008
Scattergories
SCATTERGORIES... it's harder than it looks! Hit Forward, erase my answers, enter yours, send it on to 10 people including the one that sent this to you.Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following. They have to be real places, names, things, i.e. nothing made up!
These are Heather's answers:
YOUR NAME
Heather
BOY NAME
Hollis
4 LETTER WORD
hair
GIRL NAME
Hayley
(Hollis and Hayley? Thank God she's not reproducing.)
OCCUPATION
hooker
A COLOUR
henna
SOMETHING YOU WEAR
hat
BEVERAGE
highball
FOOD
haggis
SOMETHING FOUND IN A BATHROOM
haggis
A PLACE
Hapsburg, Germany
REASON FOR BEING LATE
Hard-on
SOMETHING YOU SHOUT
Hellloooooooooooo!
These are mine (using my REAL first initial):
WHAT IS YOUR NAME:
S****
BOY NAME
Samuel
4 LETTER WORD
Soup
GIRL NAME
Summer
OCCUPATION
Starlet
A COLOUR:
Sienna
SOMETHING YOU WEAR
Strap-on
BEVERAGE
Strawberry Margarita
FOOD
Spaghetti
SOMETHING FOUND IN A BATHROOM
Soap
A PLACE
Sheboygan, WI
REASON FOR BEING LATE
Storm
SOMETHING YOU SHOUT
Shit!
It's funny how many of these answers are interchangable. For instance, Shit! is also Something Found In A Bathroom, Strawberry Margarita is also a Reason For Being Late, and Spaghetti is also Something You Wear. If you're Spikette.
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Anyone else wanna play? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
Posted at 10:37 AM | Comments (3)December 17, 2008
Cookies? Check. Ornament? Check. Pajamas? Dammit!
If I've done something twice in a row, is it fair to call it a tradition? It probably has to be three times. My Dad always buys everything in threes (three canons, three boatswain's whistles, three shrunken heads) because, according to him, "three is a collection," and that way, he already has a collection.
(The only thing my Dad doesn't have a collection of is empty spaces. Unless we're talking about the ones in his head. HA! Good one! High-five me, Mom!)
But I'm already assuming that I'm attending Vicki's Cookie & Ornament Exchange Party next year, so I'm calling it a tradition. ... Assuming I'm invited. I don't know. I pissed off Nicki by not choosing from the pile her hastily-wrapped ornament that she grabbed from the basement an hour into the party. So we'll see.
Anyhoo, I got an adorable, glittery penguin ornament, a container full of chocolately goodness... but I forgot to wear my pajamas. Well, I forgot to wear some pajamas. If I'd actually worn what I wear to bed, it would have curdled the hot cocoa.
In the spirit of all things yuley and noggy, here is a list of what I ate at Vicki's party:
1. a dozen little chocolate covered pretzels
2. 3 mini grilled cheeses
3. 1 spinach puff
4. 3 crackers with cheeseball
5. 3 crackers with warm artichoke dip
6. 2 shortbread cookies
It was probably bad ettiquette to put the chocolate covered pretzels on the couch right next to me, but they really are the ultimate PMS food -- sweet and salty, mmmmmmmmm.
"But, Wenchie," you say. "What delightful delicacy did you bless the masses with?"
Well, I came with a Tupperware container full of eggnog cookies...
...and left with these!
Damn good trade, I think! I literally ran to get my camera as soon as I got home, so I could take the damn photo and eat those little Reese's Peanut Butter Cup cookies already!!!
When those Christmas-colored adult-sized onesies go on sale at Target, I'm buying my outfit for Vicki's next party.
Posted at 12:50 PM | Comments (3)December 15, 2008
The Victor Reigns Supreme
I will never forget the day that I, and millions of others, stood transfixed and weeping, as our hero, after months and months of battle, finally accepted the mantel of ultimate power.
No, I'm not talking about Barack Obama. I'm talking about Barbie! Sheesh! Did you people not see the Chicago Tribune article on December 5th?!
Federal judge tells Mattel rival MGA to stop selling dolls
By Kayce T. Ataiyero and Ameet Sachdev | Tribune reporters
December 5, 2008
The funny thing is, I think that's a Barbie knock-off in the photo. I've never seen a Barbie that looks like that. Her outfit is cheap, and her nose is too big, unless the light is just hitting her face weirdly. That'd be kinda funny if the Tribune couldn't get the rights to use a photo of Barbie in an article about how awesome she is.
That's definitely a real Bratz doll. You can tell because it's physically impossible for her to get her knees together.
Anyhoo, I must take offense, on Barbie's behalf, with the opening sentence of the Trib's article:
In the long-running struggle between the makers of Barbie and Bratz, the more demure diva has emerged victorious over her sassier, sultrier competitor.
I really don't like the implication that anyone is sassier and/or sultrier than Barbie. Exhibit A: I give you Sassy Barbie and Sultry Barbie.
I rest my case.
Saying that the Bratz dolls are "sassy" and "sultry" are giving them waaaaaaay too much credit. Hell, they're not even trashy and whorey. They're just plain ugly.
MGA Entertainment Inc. was dealt a knock-out legal punch late Wednesday when a federal judge ordered the company to stop making the doe-eyed, pouty-lipped Bratz dolls it's been selling since 2001.
Again, with the niceties! "Doe-eyed?" "Pouty-lipped?" Seriously?! More like trout-eyed and just-got-what's coming to-her-from-her-pimp-lipped!
The ruling came after a jury found in August that the Bratz creator developed the idea while working at Mattel, maker of the iconic Barbie doll. After a four-year legal battle, the jury awarded Mattel up to $100 million in damages for breach of contract and copyright infringement.
One hundred million! That's gonna buy a lot of tiaras, kicky skirts and stilletto heels! YAY!
U.S. District Judge Stephen Larson ordered MGA to stop manufacturing all 40 Bratz dolls and reimburse vendors and distributors for the costs of the dolls and for shipping them back.
Oh crap. You know what this means, don't you? It means that the Bratz dolls have officially become collectors' items. I anticipate seeing their values skyrocket on eBay soon! Of course, they'll never get anywhere near the value of a #1 Barbie.
The ruling was prompted by a dispute over the jury's verdict that did not indicate which dolls violated copyright infringement laws. The Bratz empire was founded on four dolls—Jade, Sasha, Yasmin and Cloe. MGA, which no longer makes these characters, argued that the other dolls did not violate the law and that they should be able to sell them.
Memo to MGA: Ugly is still ugly, regardless of what name you give it. And NO ONE should be allowed to sell dolls that are less attractive than scrotum skin.
[Bonus points if you know which is the four Bratz share a name with former ANTM contestants: Jade, Sasha, Yasmin, Cloe.]
The dolls can stay on store shelves through the holiday season, then must be recalled. MGA is appealing and has asked to continue selling the dolls in the interim. A hearing on post-trial motions is scheduled on Feb. 11.
Well, I didn't take any chances. I nabbed one of the last Bratz dolls on the shelf at Target. What? It's not disloyal! Those fugly trolls are now an indelible part of Barbie's long and distinguished history. Bratz: The Vanquished Foe. Long live the Queen!
And you already know which one I picked:
Barbie has way better jewelry and makes a WAY better pirate.
Because she's no wench -- she's the fucking CAPTAIN. I'm so in love with her.
Oh my God, you guys, check out the back of Yasmin's box:
Apparently, these are the Halloween Bratz dolls, still on the shelves in mid-December. So sad! Tra la!
So, what do we have here? Slutty witch. Slutty pirate. And slutty... Alice in Wonderland? Slutty milkmaid? Slutty Little Boy Blew-Me? I have no idea. I do enjoy the pantaloons, however. Or is that just a garter peeking out from under her skirt? Hard to tell. Slutty bridesmaid? Well, that's just redundant.
Posted at 08:43 AM | Comments (4)December 06, 2008
Christmas Time-Waster
Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Just copy this entire email and paste into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you... 'Tis the Season to be NICE! HO HO HO!!!
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper if it's a box, gift bag if it's weirdly shaped. Duh.
2. Real tree or artificial? Fake. I don't want to be vaccuuming up needles in August.
3. When do you put up the tree? Sometime between Halloween and Thanksgiving.
4. When do you take the tree down? By Valentine's Day. Don't judge me.
5. Do you like eggnog? If by "like" you mean "drink straight from the carton on the drive home from Jewel," then yes. Yes, I do.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? My dollhouse. Or was that a birthday present...? I'm old, I don't remember.
7. Hardest person to buy for? My Dad. He can afford to buy anything he wants, and if he can't find it, he'll make it.
8. Easiest person to buy for? Billi! I just buy her whatever I would want.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? I have three. So far.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? MAIL!!! Email?????? What kind of cheap bastard sends EMAIL Christmas cards?????? Freakin' COMMIES, that's who!
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? No idea. I think people know better than to get me crap.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? "A Christmas Story" or "A Muppet Christmas Carol."
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? August. And I'm 95% done by Thanksgiving. I'll finish up the last of the stocking stuffers on Tuesday.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No, I sell them in my garage sale.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? MARZIPAN!!!!!
16. Lights on the tree? Small and multi-colored, and Husband puts them up.
17. Favorite Christmas song? "Merry Fucking Christmas" from the South Park Christmas album. Warms the cockles of my heart.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Both. Travel 1 mile for Christmas Eve, 37 miles for Christmas Day at Billi's, and to Indiana for the weekend after to see the in-laws.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Yes. And I don't have to prove shit to you.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? BARBIE ANGEL!
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Both, plus several weeks preceding and following, when I see friends.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The radio commercials. The premise of every single one is "Christmas SUCKS and RUINS YOUR LIFE, so try our product, and you'll be okay." I hate that they brainwash us into thinking that we are stressed out and unhappy! I'm so not! Cynical and jaded,yes, but not stressed and unhappy.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Handmade by Husband. He's been doing a different ornament every year for 30 years.
24. Favorite Christmas dinner? Mom's. Of course. Doesn't everyone like their mothers' best?
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Barbies, books and bling. Same as every year.
Posted at 11:14 AM | Comments (0)December 05, 2008
It Has Begun
Mark it on your calendars -- December 5: The Christmas Season has officially begun, as I sit at my desk and eat employer-provided snackies:
1. fresh pineapple
2. muenster cheese cubes
3. apricot walnut bar
4. chocolate chip cookie
I and have the nerve to wonder why the astronauts can see my ass from space.
There was a brief advent liturgy before the snacks were served, and there is cubicle-decorating and tree-trimming going on as I write, but screw all that -- I'm just in it for the free food. I decorated my own house; I don't need to come here and do more of the same!
You know what's funny? Everyone here is always complaining about needing "healthy alternatives" when we bring in lunch or snacks for a meeting. So we have big platters of fruit, and what's the first to go? The tray of brownies and cookies.
We all give lip service to our coagulated arteries and billious inner-thighs, but we are Lutherans and we LUUUUUUUUUUUV us some baked goods!
Long live Tollhouse! Tune in tomorrow to find out how many varieties of cookies I can combine with margaritas at Vicki's, before I puke up red and green sprinkles!
Posted at 02:36 PM | Comments (0)December 03, 2008
My Next Move
As I looked over my cubicle wall and out the window (I have to stand on tiptoe to do this) at the falling snow, I thought I should maybe read my horoscope to see how my commute home will be.
Wouldn't it be nice if horoscopes were really that specific? This is mine for today:
You have been introducing more spontaneity into your life, and all signs point to this being a good move. Sure, it may have encouraged more unexpected outbursts from friends, but no real drama. Nothing you need to concern yourself about. They might be having a tough time adjusting to the new you, but you are loving the increased positive energy and the unpredictability of your life right now. So keep on changing and keep people guessing about what your next move might be.
Spontaneity? Really? Those of you who know me personally are laughing your asses off.
Yesterday, I spontaneously took a two-hour nap. I didn't mean to. I meant to take a 45-minute nap. But NO! Unpredictable minx that I am, I slept until it was dark outside! Take THAT, societal conventions! I'm CRAAAAAAAAAAAZY!
Increased positive energy? Huh. That's what must be causing my headache. There's just no outlet for all this positive energy! My head is going to explode and white-hot sparks will shoot out and turn into faries! All this positive energy cannot be contained in human form! I am going to morph into something other-worldly! I AM ASCENDING!!!!!!!!
Wondering what my next mind-blowing, supernatural move will be? Probably Chinese chicken salad for dinner instead of leftover taco salad. Lemme tell ya, Husband will not be expecting that!
Posted at 03:24 PM | Comments (0)December 01, 2008
Snoopy Was Never This Annoying
I was eating dinner in front of the t.v. in the basement last night (because that's the classy kind of white trash that I am), when Stella came downstairs and put her head on my knee.
Stella: Mom. It's dinner time. Feed us.
PW: Oh, it's after 6:00, isn't it?
Stella: Fourteen minutes after 6:00.
PW: I'm coming up.
Daisy: [at the top of the stairs] Mom! Feed us! Mom! Mom! Feed us!
PW: What'd you do -- send Stella down to get me?
Daisy: Du-u-uh. I don't do stairs.
PW: Stella is not your bitch! She's my bitch! You're both my bitches!
Daisy: You just like saying bitch, don't you?
PW: I really do.
Stella: Daddy hates it when you swear.
PW: Even better.
Daisy: Less talky, more scoopy.
Posted at 03:32 PM | Comments (1)