December 15, 2008
The Victor Reigns Supreme
I will never forget the day that I, and millions of others, stood transfixed and weeping, as our hero, after months and months of battle, finally accepted the mantel of ultimate power.
No, I'm not talking about Barack Obama. I'm talking about Barbie! Sheesh! Did you people not see the Chicago Tribune article on December 5th?!
Federal judge tells Mattel rival MGA to stop selling dolls
By Kayce T. Ataiyero and Ameet Sachdev | Tribune reporters
December 5, 2008
The funny thing is, I think that's a Barbie knock-off in the photo. I've never seen a Barbie that looks like that. Her outfit is cheap, and her nose is too big, unless the light is just hitting her face weirdly. That'd be kinda funny if the Tribune couldn't get the rights to use a photo of Barbie in an article about how awesome she is.
That's definitely a real Bratz doll. You can tell because it's physically impossible for her to get her knees together.
Anyhoo, I must take offense, on Barbie's behalf, with the opening sentence of the Trib's article:
In the long-running struggle between the makers of Barbie and Bratz, the more demure diva has emerged victorious over her sassier, sultrier competitor.
I really don't like the implication that anyone is sassier and/or sultrier than Barbie. Exhibit A: I give you Sassy Barbie and Sultry Barbie.
I rest my case.
Saying that the Bratz dolls are "sassy" and "sultry" are giving them waaaaaaay too much credit. Hell, they're not even trashy and whorey. They're just plain ugly.
MGA Entertainment Inc. was dealt a knock-out legal punch late Wednesday when a federal judge ordered the company to stop making the doe-eyed, pouty-lipped Bratz dolls it's been selling since 2001.
Again, with the niceties! "Doe-eyed?" "Pouty-lipped?" Seriously?! More like trout-eyed and just-got-what's coming to-her-from-her-pimp-lipped!
The ruling came after a jury found in August that the Bratz creator developed the idea while working at Mattel, maker of the iconic Barbie doll. After a four-year legal battle, the jury awarded Mattel up to $100 million in damages for breach of contract and copyright infringement.
One hundred million! That's gonna buy a lot of tiaras, kicky skirts and stilletto heels! YAY!
U.S. District Judge Stephen Larson ordered MGA to stop manufacturing all 40 Bratz dolls and reimburse vendors and distributors for the costs of the dolls and for shipping them back.
Oh crap. You know what this means, don't you? It means that the Bratz dolls have officially become collectors' items. I anticipate seeing their values skyrocket on eBay soon! Of course, they'll never get anywhere near the value of a #1 Barbie.
The ruling was prompted by a dispute over the jury's verdict that did not indicate which dolls violated copyright infringement laws. The Bratz empire was founded on four dolls—Jade, Sasha, Yasmin and Cloe. MGA, which no longer makes these characters, argued that the other dolls did not violate the law and that they should be able to sell them.
Memo to MGA: Ugly is still ugly, regardless of what name you give it. And NO ONE should be allowed to sell dolls that are less attractive than scrotum skin.
[Bonus points if you know which is the four Bratz share a name with former ANTM contestants: Jade, Sasha, Yasmin, Cloe.]
The dolls can stay on store shelves through the holiday season, then must be recalled. MGA is appealing and has asked to continue selling the dolls in the interim. A hearing on post-trial motions is scheduled on Feb. 11.
Well, I didn't take any chances. I nabbed one of the last Bratz dolls on the shelf at Target. What? It's not disloyal! Those fugly trolls are now an indelible part of Barbie's long and distinguished history. Bratz: The Vanquished Foe. Long live the Queen!
And you already know which one I picked:
Barbie has way better jewelry and makes a WAY better pirate.
Because she's no wench -- she's the fucking CAPTAIN. I'm so in love with her.
Oh my God, you guys, check out the back of Yasmin's box:
Apparently, these are the Halloween Bratz dolls, still on the shelves in mid-December. So sad! Tra la!
So, what do we have here? Slutty witch. Slutty pirate. And slutty... Alice in Wonderland? Slutty milkmaid? Slutty Little Boy Blew-Me? I have no idea. I do enjoy the pantaloons, however. Or is that just a garter peeking out from under her skirt? Hard to tell. Slutty bridesmaid? Well, that's just redundant.
Comments
LOVE the picture of Barbie stepping on the Bratz doll! I'm SO glad they're going away! Now I don't have to keep telling Girl-Child that she can't have one.... because there will be none to have!!!
Posted by: Billi at December 15, 2008 11:01 AM
I'm voting Slutty Little Bo Peepshow.
Posted by: Marty at December 16, 2008 07:08 AM
Of course, if you ever met anyone on the street with the eyes of a Bratz doll, you'd either call an ambulance or just run away screaming.
Long live the Queen!!
Posted by: kurt at December 20, 2008 08:21 PM
you now what they are still makeing bratz and onther bratz things so and alice and wonderland does not ware a crown okay just saying and the bratz will stay out there untill all those kids bye and see them they won't die yet .
Posted by: lucky at October 21, 2009 06:03 PM