January 05, 2009
Bacon, Chocolate & Cheese
On one of our many trips up over the Wisconsin border, this particular time to attend the Log & Timber Home Show, we decided to stop for a special meal. So Husband and I, PJ and Ramone, and Egrau and J went to Lamb's Farm for breakfast at the Country Inn Restaurant.
I believe I had the Apple Cinnamon French Toast and split an order of Biscuits & Gravy with PJ. What? Apples are fruit!
Ramone, wanting a breakfast untainted by fruit, selected "The Heartland Skillet." Awwwww, doesn't that sound nice? Brings about images of amber waves of grain, smiling children and strapping farm hands. And it has the word heart right in it -- it has to be good for you. Right?
Right???
Let me read to you from the menu:
Ham, bacon, sausage, mushrooms,peppers and onions blended with country hash browns and served with two eggs any style.
Oh my fucking gawd. Ham, bacon AND sausage! I'm short of breath just typing this!
I can hardly bring myself to tell you the rest. Yes, the rest.
People...
He ordered a side of bacon to go with it.
It's the big one, 'Liz'beth! I'm comin' to join ya!
So it was no surprise that Ramone later had to excuse himself from admiring giant logs for an extended stay in the bathroom. Not that I don't admire the man for following his bacon dreams, but I was laughing my ass off. I mean, come ON! BACON with a side of BACON. Even I can do that math!
Now, I've told you this to illustrate that there is a culture of gluttonly that is pervasive in my social life. When I get together with friends and/or family, we don't go play touch football or walk the dogs or whatever it is that skinny people do for fun. We EAT. And then we sit. For a long time.
I'm going to turn 40 in less than 300 days, and I feel like, if I don't do something soon, I'm never going to be able to climb two flights of stairs without dry-heaving and praying for death's sweet release.
Yes, I've succumbed to the cliche -- I've made a New Year's Resolution to eat better and get in shape. I feel so plebian. BUT!
Before that, Husband and I spent New Year's Eve and Day gorging ourselves on all our favorite foods, as a little good-bye ceremony. In preparation, I went to the Jewel and bought:
Bob Evans Sausage Biscuits
Cheddar E-Z-Cheez
Stouffer's Macaroni & Cheese
Stouffer's Spinach Soufflee
Jewel Rice Pudding
Swedish Fish
Starbuck's Vanilla Frappuccinos
Reese's Puffs Cereal
Cocoa Krispies Cereal
Dean's Egg Nog
Hostess Ho Hos
Riesen Chewy Chocolate Caramels
Jewel Fat Free Skim Milk
Tums
I have neither exaggerated nor understated the contents of my shopping cart. Yes, the skim milk was to wash down the Ho-Hos. Yes, I really got Tums, at Husband's request.
I was so embarassed, I went to the self check-out line. I was really hurrying and looking around to see if anyone was staring at and judging me. So when the little attendant snuck up behind me and asked, "Did you remember to scan your Preferred Card?" I almost jumped outta my skin.
But then I saw a young woman in leggings and fuck-me boots accentuating her gravity-defying ass, at the lottery vending machine buying scratch-off tickets. And I thought, "Well, my butt may be cushiony, but at least I'm not stupid enough to waste my money on scratch-off tickets."
I left Jewel with my booty -- and my booty -- feeling quite superior. So I rewarded myself with a Ho-Ho on the way home.
Comments
I use the self check-out lane when I buy a bunch of crap I'm too embarrassed to have someone scan and then bag. I know they've seen it all, but still I'd like to pretend I have some dignity left.
I've been gorging on spicy potato tacos, omg are they great and will be sorely missed.
Posted by: Hope at January 5, 2009 02:39 PM