January 19, 2009
Nicknames
A snippet of a conversation between Heather and I, in which I reveal just how much of a skanky ho I used to be. Of course, now I'm completely faithful to Heather and Husband, but back then -- hoooo, boy!
Mom, none of this happened on your watch, don't worry. I had already moved into my own place, so don't blame yourself.
PW: OH! MY! GOD! My boyfriend from the 7th grade just sent me a friend request on Facebook. SEVENTH GRADE I shit you not
Heather: hilarious. I dont'even remember the names of the guys I "Dated" in jr high becuz we didn't do anything
PW: I know. I "dated" one all thru 7th, and one all thru 8th basically. on and off. and they were friends.
H: d'oh!
PW: he just joined fb today, and he's single, so CLEARLY he's looking up all this exes. and how pathetic that he went all the way back to jr. high. how totally fucking sad and pathetic
H: it hurts to think about it. seriously. what the hell?
PW: i know. I almost want to cry for him. and I want to find someone and go "HOly shit, John L. contacted me!" but I don't even know anyone I knew then
H: I have no idea who that is, exactly.
PW: there's no reason you should.
H: but then again, if I were single right now I wouldn't even want to contact anyone in high school!
PW: there are only 2 exes of mine (from a cast of 1000s) that I would actually look up
H: not me
PW: but I can't find them, which is just as well, because I would totally commit adultery with them
H: hee. who?
PW: Pat's cousin Tom. did you know him?
H: nope.
PW: big fat guy. total player. I WORSHIPPED him. Pat was so jealous
H: hee.
PW: he was all, "How come you fuck everyone I know and not me?" I had no idea how to answer that without crushing his will to live
H: because you're...You, scooter. you're YOU.
PW: I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you are GENDERLESS!
H: tried to fuck scooter, but...no. nuthin. I wonder how jenn did it.
PW: did they do it? I thought her mom was so psycho that they had no opportunity?
H: no idea. i assumed.
PW: I worked with Jenn at Upscale Restaurant for a while. on her second day, I blanked on her name and said, "Hey, New Girl! Hand me a spoon!" Two years later, everyone was still calling her New Girl.
H: hee. new girl!
PW: even tho' several OTHER new girls were hired after her. some people didn't even know her real name.
H: hahahahahhahaa the power!
PW: I KNOW! I also nicknamed the manager Doug "Doogie." because when I did it the first time, he threatened me with violence if I ever did it again. which is basically BEGGING me to get everyone in the restaurant to call him that
H: oh, HUGE mistake to get mad at non-racist nicknames.
PW: in time, he grew to like it.
H: sucker.
PW: at Breakfast Restaurant, my first day, the manager didn't remember who he'd just hired, so when I walked in, he said, "Hi, Specks!" because I wear glasses. so it's funny.
H: I'd have said "HI, Tits!"
PW: I said, "Hi, Spud!" guess which nickname stuck?
H: spud!
PW: totally
H: i mean, seriously. eyes or tits, I'm going for the gold, no offense.
PW: "Tits" might have stuck, but he didn't have the guts.
Comments
My current girlfriend was my junior-high gym-class dance-partner. Twenty-one years ago. She found me on Facebook. True story.
Posted by: THE ASSMAN at January 20, 2009 03:10 PM
it should be noted that she doesn't remember this gym class dancing of which you speak. when do we all get to see the videotape?
Posted by: heather at January 21, 2009 03:12 PM