January 09, 2009
Sidekick
I have decided that I am now famous enough that I warrent a sidekick. A Thelma to my Louise. A marshmallow fluff to my peanut butter. A bottle of KY warming solution to my lonely Thursday night.
But before I reveal to you my methodical search technique, I must define a term that was used during negotiations: lunchmeat.
Heather is in the, um, adult entertainment industry. No, she's not a porn star. (Anymore.) She a web designer. Her day involves lots of photos of naked and semi-naked women.
Now... there are women whose labia are neatly tucked up against their va-jay-jays. And then there are the women whose labia hang down like billowing curtains of roast beef. Hence, lunchmeat.
(I can't believe my mother is going to have to read the word labia. TWICE. Sorry, Mom! I'll pay you back on Mother's Day!)
Anyhoo, when I signed onto AOL, there was an Away message where Heather should have been.
PW: Away?! How can you be away when I NEED you?! You're so selfish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
H: Wenchie!!! just got out of the longest meeting in the known universe.
PW: wow. did you have to bend the time-space continuum?
H: basically, yes.
PW: neato. so I've decided that you need to be my sidekick. on my blog. because Pamie has a sidekick named Dan who blogs on her site and blogs ABOUT HER, which is what makes him a sidekick. except that I wouldn't call you a sidekick
H: I'll kick your side, if that's what you need!
PW: no! I need a flying monkey! or a foundation garment -- I haven't decided which to call you, yet
H: heeee.
PW: what was your meeting about, and how many times did "lunchmeat" come up?
H: learning fatwire, which I am just about to go into another meeting to learn more. absolutely no lunch mentioned.
PW: fuckers! it's 3:00! how are you supposed to function???????????? and seriously, training on New Year's Eve? your company hates you
H: dude. I have to be here until I am done. which may be never...
PW: but enough about you. I need a sidekick
H: I am in.
PW: I knew I could count on you
H: you had me at kick
PW: I had you at lunchmeat. speaking of which -- GO EAT!
H: going.
See, that's what's awesome about Heather. She will devote the only two spare minutes she has in her busy, corporate day to catering to my petty desires. Oh, I know she'll never actually post on this blog -- she doesn't post on her own blog! But she humors me, and I appreciate that.