March 20, 2009
You Can't Choose Your Family
Spikette's birthday was last week, so Mom had us over for lasagna and angel food cake to celebrate. I won't tell you how old she is because she will ride over here in her Model T and smack me with her handbag.
So here's our celebratory table conversation:
PW: When Mom and Dad die, I want that china hutch. It'd be perfect for displaying my expensive Barbies that I don't wanna have to dust.
Husband: Do you dust them now?
PW: No.
Mom: Speaking of dying, I was at the worst funeral in the world yesterday. TWO HOURS!
Billi: Holy crap! Why was it so long?
Mom: All five of his kids came up and gave a speech, and they were all crying, and you could hardly understand them. And there was so much music!
PW: Good Lord. That's just awkward.
Mom: For my funeral, I don't want all that talking.
Billi: Don't worry, Mom. For you -- twenty minutes, bada-bing, we're done.
Mom: One song, have the pastor say something nice..
PW: ...and then a casserole luncheon. What do you want to wear to be buried in?
Brad: Tube top.
Mom: What?!
Billi: HA!
PW: I'm not burying my mother in a tube top to have her boobs in her armpits for all of eternity! Mom, because I love you, I'll make sure you're in a push-up bra.
Mom: Thank you.
PW: And I swear to God, any of you assholes bury me in a skirt or dress? I will haunt you for all of eternity.
Husband: Oh, she'll do it, too. You better believe her.
Dad: I don't care what kind of funeral I have, as long as there's no blubbering.
PW: Not a problem, Dad.
Billi: I want lots of blubbering. You guys better be destitute without me.
PW: Is this chocolate-mocha frosting?
Mom: No, just regular chocolate.
PW: Huh. I taste coffee.
Billi: Spikette, open your presents. The Spare is getting crabby.
Well, happy birthday, Spikette. Maybe next year at your party, we can all talk about our colons!
Comments
Don't forget about us all watching her pick up dog/deer poop in the backyard on her birthday! And then breaking into a lovely rendition of "Happy Birthday To You" while she scooped the poop!
Posted by: Billi at March 22, 2009 08:53 PM
Fabulous birthday talk :)
A friend and I told her sister we're burying her in a t-shirt that says WHORE across the front. She's a very private, chaste person who doesn't swear or do anything devious. She's actually petrified we'll go ahead and do it. Which we will.
Posted by: Hope at March 23, 2009 01:16 PM
I would expect nothing less (or more) from my family. I love them just the way they are. They put the word FUN in dysfunctional!
Posted by: Spikette at March 29, 2009 02:54 PM