March 30, 2009
"The Girl Who Cuts Off Her Nose To Spite Her Ugly Face"
I arrive fashionably late to “America’s Next Top Model” at 7:09 p.m. because I’ve forgotten what day it is. Tyra will come over later this evening to deliver my 40 lashes with Aminat’s old weave.
Professional circus freak Benny Ninja is teaching the girls how to pose to different music genres. London and Sandra must post to heavy metal, where Sandra fails miserably because she was expecting Elton John’s catchy “The Bitch Is Back.”
Teyona and Fo (Freckles) can’t translate country music into editorial fashion posing, and who can? Kortnie and Celia are given house music to work with, and Celia wins the “pose-off” because Kortnie is fooling around.
Celia interviews, “Do you have to be funny? All the time? Really?” And I don’t know why she’s bitching about it because Kortnie basically handed her the win. Aminat and Tahlia (Burnie) pose to jazz, which is apt because jazz is for posers. And losers. And asshats. Tahlia’s self-confidence from last week has quickly fizzled, and it shows.
Alison confides to Celia that she is “super-shy,” and this is like the lamb confiding to the wolf that she is “super-tasty with mint jelly.” Alison is unsure that she has chose the right career for her personality. Celia drinks Alison’s tears because she believes they will bring her immortality.
Tyra Mail! “Practice your posin’ if you wanna be chosen.”
At a place called simply “The Mansion” are Benny Ninja and two people called "The Blonds." I am bowled over by the cleverness of these names. So rich in levels and fraught with meaning! One of The Blonds is a drag queen. The girls will be posing on stage to music and judged by Blond drag queen’s peers. And you know how judgey those bitches can be!
The girls are dressed in blonde wigs and tight, whorey, sequined dresses. Alison is dressed in a blanket of her own fear. Benny Ninja is dressed as Sgt. Gay Peter McPanigan. The audience is ready to boo and/or cheer. But mostly boo.
Alison, Teyona and Kortnie all get booed and pretty much own up to it. Sandra gets booed and blames her shoes. Celia gets cheers. Natalie earns cheers by using the four stairs at the front of the runway, but Celia still wins the challenge.
Meanwhile, Tahlia confides to Alison that she wants to go home. Alison tells Celia that there is an easier model to separate from the herd and kill than herself.
Tyra Mail! “Models aren’t the only ones who migrate to New York.” The girls conclude that they will be posing with birds. Hasn’t ANTM done that already? As statues in a park or something?
Okay, why does everyone confide in Celia? Does she come off to the rest of the models as having a personality 100% different than she appears to the viewers? That was an awkward sentence, and so is the Tahlia-Celia conversation. Tahlia whines to a disgusted Celia who is all, “Then leave, already!” Migrate back to your state of origin, Tahlia! And Celia can slither back under her rock.
The girls go to Ellis Island for this week’s shoot. Between 1892 and 1924, twelve million immigrants came through Ellis Island, including my father’s parents. The girls will be shot with an olde tyme camera, which means they have to be dynamic while staying absolutely still. Benny and some randomly ethnic children will be in the pictures, too, as the models’ immigrant families.
Here is a photo of my Grandma, Marie, boarding the ship that will take her from Norway to The New World. Because it's cool, and I'm lucky to have it. And people say I look like her.
Sandra surprises Jay with a performance even more stiff and boring than usual. He says it’s her “biggest disappointment to date,” which is really saying something! London channels Kate Winslet in “Titanic,” and Jay loves it because she’s totally in character.
Kortnie takes way too long to get her shit together between poses. “Tahlia, this is very good!” Jay tells Burnie, in a very surprised and condescending tone. Alison loves working with the kids and loves the whole shoot, but it remains to be seen whether that comes out in her photos.
Tyra Mail! Judging! (Sheesh, what does she think I’ve been doing this whole time?!)
Sandra admits to sucking hairy donkey sack but still thinks that it’s Tahlia who will be going home. Celia says, “If she doesn’t go home, we should all fire back.” She wants to stage a coupe, but I don’t know what she’s worried out. Tyra’s very good at weeding out the weaklings by the Final Three. Also? IT’S HER SHOW.
I will add that I find Alison’s participation in this whole conversation very hypocritical, as she was questioning her own career choice not three minutes ago.
Day-um! Tyra looks all hot-for-teacher as we get to see the girls’ photos.
Teyona is “captivating” because she has “a story in her eyes.”
London looks short and is looking off-camera while everyone else is looking at the camera.
Sandra serves up yet another profile shot, which the judges are tired of seeing. She looks “disconnected,” and Tyra reports that Jay said she looked like “a deer in headlights” during the whole shoot.
Alison looks “adorable” and “editorial” at the same time, but they have a problem with her looking too young and not like the matriarchal figure she was supposed to be.
The judges love Aminat’s photo and call her a “natural poser.”
Fo doesn’t relate to the kids in the photo, and hers is the judges’ least favorite in the bunch.
Kiera Knightly would puke (if she had anything in her stomach) upon learning that they’re comparing Natalie to her. Natalie’s “stunning fashion pose” still doesn’t make up for the ugly inside, if you ask me.
Kortnie reaps all kinds of hate from the judges – she’s “sour;” it’s “not a fashion shot;” she had “dead eyes;” she “needs to push harder.”
Tahlia’s photo is – shock and awe – “the best one in the whole group.” And no one is more shocked than the judges because she looks like ass on toast in person.
Celia has “no story in her eyes.” The judges also don’t like her reclining pose, and you can see her seething because, in Celiaville, it’s Tahlia who is supposed to be getting reamed!
Deliberations!
London has no legs but a magical face! Sandra is “as boring as homemade soup,” and I take offense at that. I make some kickass soup! Alison is still “adorable.” Kortnie has “no model qualities,” but Nigel likes her. Aminat is “great.” Fo is "fake" (but I love this shot of her!).
Well, yes, faux is fake. Hee!
Celia does the same pose over and over. Tahlia is the best, and they can’t believe it! Natalie is “dull” and “needs some personality,” but not the one she currently has. Teyona has personality, but the judges are divided about her photo.
Tahlia gets her photo first, and we can see Celia choking down her sour grapes. Kortnie and Sandra are in the Bottom Two because they are both pretty, yet they have no spark. Sandra stays, of course, because she still may dish out some awesome bitch-slappy drama.
And when the photos are distributed and the decisions all made, Celia steps forward with something to tell Tyra. Oh, this won’t end well. She blah-blah-blahs about how Tahlia said she doesn’t want to be there, so it’s “unfair” that she gets to stay. And Tyra throws it right back in her face, “I think it’s unfair that you’re up here talking to me about her.” HA! Remember you place, Celia!
Kortnie is sad to go, and she leaves us with this – Celia shouldn’t have done that because Tahlia didn’t get a chance to defend herself to Tyra. And I’m sure Tahlia’s defense would have consisted of, “Sure, I wanted to leave, but that was before I had a good photo!” Which isn’t much of a defense, but still. Kortnie is right, is Celia is right to be crying because she really fucked up.
Next episode: Tahlia talks to Celia, and all the girls get into a huge brawl.
Comments
I think they picked a crappy picture of Fo - they made it seem like she did good during the shoot and then put a nasty one up to judge.
BTW, your grandmother has no STORY in her eyes.
Posted by: Hope at March 31, 2009 12:01 PM