March 23, 2009
"The Girl Who Makes the Bitchy Girls Suck It"
The girls nibble on grapes -- unpeeled! the horror! -- and discuss last week's judging and elimination. Nothing earth-shattering is revealed. The bitchy girls still think they're all that and a shamrock shake; the insecure girls still thank the Goddess of Fierce that they managed to fool the judges for one more week of "America's Next Top Model."
Tyra Mail! "Mind your Ps and Qs... and J." Runway class!
Natalie interviews that she feels like she has an edge because she has modeling experience. She gives the peasants some tips on their runway walks, while Aminat eyerolls and places an order for Natalie, "She needs to eat some humble pie."
The girls are driven to an amazing, Munsters-esque mansion. London very much enjoys "the scenery inside the house." Because... there are sweeping mountain vistas and vast, green meadows? Doesn't there need to be a landscape or a stage in order for there to be scenery? Well, I don't want to dwelve so far into it that I'm being analystic, right, Jade?
Miss J enters with big hair, a pink hanky, and an effected accent never before heard anywhere on the face of the earth. She dresses the girls in khaki capris, sweater sets and pearls. It's darling. Miss J also calls in Bianca and Chantal from Cycle Nine.
Bianca I remember, but Chantal? Oh, she's blonde. I tend not to remember the blondes. Except for that blind albino chick. What was her name again? Ah, who cares. Bianca and Chantal are there to show the girls how to walk. They were probably in NYC and not doing anything, so Tyra threw them a bone. See? Mama Tyra cares!
The girls walk. Miss J mocks.
Back at the house, the girls play Truth-or-Dare. But not the sexy Truth-or-Dare than results in pillow fights and lesbian experimenting. No, this is the stupid Truth-or-Dare where Burnie gets her feelings hurt because Jessica confesses to thinking that Burnie had the worst photo. See? This is what happens when they aren't allowed to have t.v. Next, they're going to resort to making macaroni necklaces. This is lame.
Tyra Mail! Something about a runway and excess baggage. Teyona goes to get her weave redone. I can't tell the difference when it's done, but Tyra can. Must be a black thing.
The girls will walk in a runway show for Jill Stuart. Considering the low-budget, folding-chair look of the place, I'm guessing that Jill is not a big deal. Her dresses are cute enough, 'though, and the girls must walk in them while carrying -- gasp! -- shopping bags!
You know, if this were "RuPaul's Drag Race," the girls would have to model dresses made by a blind albino while lip-syncing to Beyonce and trying to embody the essence of maccaws in the wild. On stilts. I'm just sayin'.
Ann Shoket, the editor of "Seventeen," is there as a seat-filler, probably on her lunch break. Show-off Natalie does a spin on the runway, eliciting a great WTF? face from Miss J.
Allison is afraid that she'll fall off the runway. I'm afraid that she won't. Nothing good ever happens at these fashion shows. Where's my complimentary champagne? Miss J notices that Freckles took his advice from the runway lesson.
Jill rates the girls. She hated the spin. Hee! See, Natalie? You're not so cool! There are two winners, since it was a tough choice when everyone sucked so equally -- Natalie and Celia. WHAT?! But-- but Jill hated the spin! How is it fair that Natalie gets some pieces from Jill's collection?! I don't know what Celia gets. Tying for first doesn't seem to do her any good. Because she's ugly.
Burnie is on the phone with her sister and tells her that she wants to go home. Well, I can't blame her. All the girls in the house are either ugly or bitchy... or both. Who could survive in that topsy-turvy world? And she's totally going home. We all know it. That's how it works in Tyra's world. Her sister's pep talk is all for naught.
Tyra Mail! Something about... cake? I really should listen better. Apparently, the girls are taking a bus tour of NYC and posing in pairs at different landmarks.
Freckles and Aminat are high-power CEOs on Wall Street. Jay eats them up.
Kortnie and Nijah are artists in Soho. I've never seen hippies wear so much makeup.
Celia and Sandra are bad nannies. I think we're getting a glimpse of their porno future here.
On the upper east side, Alison and London are snobby socialites. "Frenemies," London says because she's totally in character, while Alison needs too much direction.
Burnie, Natalie and Teyona are sight-seeing in Times Square. Y'all, I've been to Times Square, and it's not nearly as exciting as they make it seem. Jay notes that Burnie is clearly out-shining the other two. Awwwwwww, her sister's encouragement helped! Go, homely girl!
Tyra Mail! Judging! Jill Stuart is the guest judge. And then I have to put the t.v. on mute for a minute because Husband calls, but because they are talking about Nijah and Kortnie's photo, I assume they're using words like "boring," "lame" and "dead eyes."
Freckles and Aminat both look "outrageously great." Miss J feels the same about Celia and Sandra's photo, but the rest of the panel thinks that Celia looks "stiff." And ugly.
There's a split in Alison and London's photo as well. London looks great, but Alison looks like "a hungover Olsen twin." Is there any other kind?
Nijah is "a pretty yawn." Freckles and Aminat are both "100% fantastic!" They are also, apparently, cat burglars.
In the photo of the trio, the judges fawn over Burnie while dissing the other two -- Teyona because she's preparing for a dental exam, and Natalie because she is the fakest fake who ever faked. HA! Take that, bitches!
Tyra starts handing out the photos, and Sandra is called first. WHAT?! What about the perfection that is Aminat and Freckles! Jeebus, Tyra makes absolutely no fucking sense sometimes!
Alison and Nijah are left in the Bottom Two. Alison totally deserves to be there, if only for scaring us by dressing as one of the dead twin girls from "The Shining."
Alison stays, and I'm sure it's her freakish looks that are keeping her in the race. Tyra so enjoys the company of others from her home planet. Nijah's exit interview is upbeat, which is always nice, albeit dull. I think her problem is just that, like so many of us, she's prettier in person than she is in her photos.
Next episode: something someone does elicits cat-calls, and Celia wants to gang-up and send someone home. Because, you know, it's her show.
Comments
I thought Sandra shouldn't have been #1 either. Fine, she can be second, but not first.
I hope Allison actually does something different next week because I like her and think she could be good. Though she freaks me out some times because she looks like she's not human but Anime.
Posted by: Hope at March 24, 2009 12:27 PM