March 18, 2009
"The Girl Who Hates Her Hair"
For this season of “America’s Next Top Model,” it appears that the Best Photo of the Week On a Huge Digital Monitor has been replaced by a small poster, much like local bands staple to telephone poles. Poor Allison. I guess even Tyra has to stretch a dollar these days.
Aminat interviews that she would have been glad to see Sandra go after eliminations. “I woulda been like -– Bye, bitch!” What it lacks in eloquence it makes up for in universal sentiment. “The better person went home.”
Tyra Mail! “Blah blah streets blah blah sidewalks, blah blah turning heads.”
The girls get picked up in a pink and purple plaid stretch limo! Even Barbie doesn’t have a vehicle this cool! (Speaking of which, The Spare has recently become enamored of cars and trucks, and his favorite toy to push around? My old, orange, vintage, hippie Barbie van! I love that kid. He’d better not break it.)
In another one of Tyra’s horribly-staged segues, The Js get a video message from her on Jay’s iPhone to fix the “broke-down models.” Jay responds with, “Copy that, T.” How much do you think he wanted to kill himself right then?
Jessica needs and edge, so they’re giving her red hair. They cut off Sandra’s rooster ‘do and give her platinum blonde fuzz, like a Q-tip. It’s atrocious. Allison gets long, blonde extensions, and she loves that she looks “like a mermaid.” You guys, I think I’m falling for her.
Nijah looks "too nice" and gets a longer weave. Because, you know, long hair is evil. Or something. Freckles is too cute and needs a short, boyish cut to make her edgey. She cries and hates it, but I think she looks adorable, like a little pixie. Celia’s hair covers her awesome cheekbones (and, thankfully, the rest of her ugly, ugly face), so they chop it. She feels “liberated.” While I feel “nauseated.”
Jay is amazed that all the girls with long locks have “hair as dry as Ghandi’s sandals.” Seriously, people, how hard it is to deep condition once a week and get a trim a few times a year? You’d never catch me with Ghandi-sandal hair. In fact, just last week, a woman at work told me that my hair “always looks immaculate.” Virgin Mary hair!
Aminat’s ‘fro weave gets removed so that Miss J can use it as a boa in his Vegas act. She gets long “Naomi Campbell waves,” which come with a complimentary cell phone! Kortney is another one who gets red hair. Lucky bastard.
London’s medium length, brunette hair is replaced with a bleach blonde surfer cut that’s great for her bone structure but wrongwrongwrong for her dark eyebrows.
The Js team up to tell Natalie that she's getting her hair cut short. John, the big-wig who owns the salon, comes over to personally hack her hair off himself. She starts freaking and crying and going fetal saying, "Wait! Wait! Wait!" John throws his hands up in huffy exasperation and says, "I can't do this!" I'm thinking, "Bitch is going down!" I don't ever remember her from one scene to the next, anyway.
But after the commercial break, The Js inform Natalie that she is, indeed, NOT getting her hair cut off. It was a test that she failed shamefully, but she's too relieved to be ashamed.
Teyona is getting a weave that she will wear long, wavy and slicked back. Ick. Slick-backed hair only adds to her wind-in-the-face appearance, and not in a good way. Burnie gets a blond weave, which she loves. Barkeep, a round of weaves for the house!
But while the other girls revel in their long, fabulous hair, Freckles sit in a corner and cries that she feels like "the odd man out." Freckles, honey, there are about six girls in this competition that I can't tell one from the other. Treasure your individuality!
Tyra Mail! "Blah blah eye to eye, blah blah make-up."
Still moping, Freckles interviews that she has lived on food stamps, but her haircut is even worse than that. Worse than food stamps. I wonder, are you allowed to buy drama with food stamps? This, by the way, is my new favorite insult. "Heather, your hair looks worse than government cheese."
Sutan is here! But, as he's clearly stepping in for one of The Js today, he is all business and no snarky fun. Poop. A rep from Cover Girl joins him. Or as she would say, "Cahveh Gahrl." The girls will divide into four teams to win a photoshoot for the WalMart Cover Girl display. They have 20 minutes to find a victim on the street and teach her all about Cover Girl's latest crap, Eyelights Mascara, which is just mascara with glitter in it. Yeah, cuz I wanna be fishing glitter outta my eyes.
Aminat is not happy about being on Sandra's team, but she heroically vows to suck it up. They are Team One, and they do pretty darn well, except for Sandra, who is, for once, too quiet.
Team Two is too "frantic" and all over the place. Team Three wants to be make-up artists instead of make-up salesmen. Well, who wouldn't?! And Team Four just... sucks. Team One wins.
That evening, the girls go out for African food. Aminat, being of age, has a drink, whereupon Sandra starts lecturing her about not drinking. Mind you, we are not treated to any shots of models puking in the potted plants, so I think it's safe to assume that all the over-21s drank responsibly.
Aminat tells her, "Keep it cute, or put it on mute." Hee! I like her.
Tyra Mail! Husband is talking to me, so I don't hear it. He should really know better. The girls think they will be doing a contruction-themed photo shoot.
Not even close. Nigel Barker is shooting the rock 'n' roll-themed shoot, but the girls will be directing themselves. Wow, it's pretty early in the cycle for that! Tyra must really hate these girls! And to really "highlight" their inexperience (pun intended!), the girls will hold a big bulb in each hand and have to light their own shoot. Oh, this should be a good.
Nigel tells Aminat that, although she is the focus of her photo, Sandra is stealing the limelight. She interviews that she "felt like crap," while Sandra interviews that she doesn't even have to try, she just gets to "stand back and smirk."
Kortney blows. Teyona is genius. Freckles just can't get over her "butch" hair and says she looks like "plain Jane's brother." Dude, she's just BEGGING to go home.
Tyra Mail! Judging!
I have no idea what happens in this next segment because Aminat is putting on a bra, like, backwards-Flashdance style, and I'm completely distracted.
Oh God. Nole Marin is back as a guest judge. Looks like Tyra is really scraping the bottom of the barrell. But wait -- it gets worse! Miss J's gimmick this cycle is that his bow tie will get bigger as each girl gets eliminated. He's just so pathetically desparate to upstage the rest of the judges.
We get to see the girls' photos.
Freckles has a great photo, but she cried on set.
Kortnie is just bad. She wasn't "in the moment."
In a shout-out to Heather, Nijah looks like "a beautiful corpse."
London is very dramatic and impressed Nigel.
Allison is "fantasic," "quirky" and looks like an "alien."
"That's terrible!" she laughs nervously. And Tyra is all, "Nuh-uh! People used to tell me that all the time. And I was like -- Great, I'm an alien! Gimme my money!"
Sandra "radiates dullness." HA!
Celia is fabulous.
Miss J calls Jessica "mommy." Ew.
Burnie is boring.
Natalie is phenominal.
Teyona "made it her shoot," but Tyra hates the way her weave turned out and wants it changed.
Aminat is doing the "all-the-black-girls-in-the-hood pose." Yeah, I catch myself doing that all the time.
Deliberations!
Freckles needs to know that, "without the short haircut, she's no model." Sandra has "no personality," which isn't entirely accurate. Teyona blew Nigel away, and she is called first to come up for her photo.
Freckles and Jessica (a.k.a. Mommy) end up in the Bottom Two. Freckles because she's being a baby about her hair. Jessica because she's merely pretty and nothing more. And probably because she's wearing formal shorts, for God's sake. Freckles gets her photo, and Ugly Jessie is sent home! Yay! Bye, bitch!
Next episode: The girls go to charm school to learn how to walk.