March 07, 2009
"The Girls Whose Names I'm Not Bothering To Learn"
I'm just making up my own names for the episodes now.
"America's Next Top Model" premiere! Woooooooooooooooooooo!
I was unspeakably rude to Older Step Daughter, who came to dinner Wednesday evening. After dinner, I just brought my plate to the sink and said, "Going downstairs to watch ANTM! 'Bye!" Hopefully, the Beef Stroganoff sans mushrooms made up for it.
The girls are in Vegas, and it's just more of what we've come to love about ANTM -- tears, fears, beers and queers. Well, I'm making a big assumption on the last two, that they will make an appearance eventually.
This is a two-hour premiere, so I'll try not to linger.
Miss J is by a pool. The theme is Goddesses or something, so the girls are all in togas and gold sandals. Enter the gladiators, whom one of the dipshits calls "big, staunchy dudes." Dictionary.com has called bullshit on the word "staunchy," although "staunch" is "firm, strong, substantial," so perhaps she's only mildly retarded.
Tyra, a.k.a. The Goddess of Fierce, shows up, and the girls scream and cry like it's the frickin' Beatles. Christamighty, ladies, she's a staunchy ex-supermodel. Relax.
Not five minutes into the show, I'm already wishing for Angelea of the green, witchy nails to die screaming. Street preacher London wants to spread His name... by spreading her -- oh, it's just too easy.
A burn survivor was 8 months old when a pot of hot coffee signed her up for fourteen surgeries. She wants to represent for all the burnies out there. The conspiracy theorist got a gun for her most recent birthday! Yay! Oh, she's gonna be truckloads of entertainment!
Aminat is 6'8", in heels and 'fro. She's awesome, and Miss J is almost going straight for her. Panic Attack chick has a panic attack, and the other girls are like, "What the fuck are you doing here if stress makes you hysterical?!" And rightfully so.
Suddenly, God simultaneously answers the prayers of everyone in the midwest by blessing Dunkin' Donuts with the Bacon, Egg & Cheese WAFFLE Sammich. Can't wait to be dunkin' one in my morning beer!
Back to auditions, some girl brings her pen collection. Sadly, no Hello Kitty pen. Also? What the fuck! The pens don't go over well, and the girl bravely cops to trying to use a gimmick to catch Tyra's eye, and failing miserably. In that one moment, she has shown more self-awareness than every, single previous contestant ever, combined.
Ironically, Prom Queen girl seems the nicest and most grounded. "BLAXICAN!" Oh my God! It's my new favorite word! She has freckles and is just the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Witchy Nails had a baby girl who died. Oh, you KNOW Tyra is going to eat that up because she is not above exploiting people's misery to the advantage of "Mama Tyra." Hence Burnie's presence.
McKey's "My Life As a Cover Girl" commercial is mostly... other winners. Hee! Oh, and did I mention that Eva Pigford is featured in the most current Avon catalogue! I'm glad to see she's getting work.
Token Plus-Size cops to liking cheesecake. The media fails to report this ground-breaking confession.
GAH! Holy shit! What is that?! Damn, I can't readily think of the small monkey-thing that she so closely resembles, but she's scaring the crap out of me because she also resembles those creepy, sad-eyed dolls that spinsters with cats collect. Oh, and she's into nosebleeds because they are beautiful. Perfect.
Tyra and The Js pick 21 of the original 34 to represent different goddesses in a photo shoot. Most of the aforementioned make it, as well as "Two Cups o' Crazy" (says Miss J), Wind Tunnel girl, and the most evil bitch of the season, Sandra, whom they kicked out of Kenya ten years ago. And some other completely forgetables.
Jay is gushing about Aminat, saying, "The only time I've seen skin that perfect is--"
"When you finish putting on your make-up?" finishes Tyra.
Jay gives her a dirty look. Cat fight!
The judges review the photos -- which I will spare you because 90% of these girls won't be around in a month -- and select the Final Thirteen to go live on the upper east side of New York City. Right next door to the Jeffersons.
They are: 6'8" Aminat, Natalie, Freckles a.k.a. Fo, Creepy Doll Eyes, Burnie, 2 Cups o Crazy, Prom Queen, London, Wind Tunnel, Cheesecake, Girl With Epilepsy (who REALLY REALLY wants us to know that her disease doesn't define who she is), Jessica and Kenya-Bitch.
Witchy Nails is going back to Buffalo, and it kinda reminds me of that scene in "A League of Their Own" where Madonna is crying that she doesn't want to go back to working at the dance hall where guys are "sweatin' gin all ovah me." Poor thing.